How did your affair end?

[Paenitentiae]

For those of you who are no longer in the affair, I am curious, how did your affair end? I am not married but I was the OW to the OM who was in a long term relationship, and I was in a long term relationship myself. I broke up with my boyfriend for a long while during the affair, but eventually came to my senses and realized that I was the happiest I'd ever been when I was with my boyfriend before I had met the OM and I knew I needed to cut the OM out of my life for good if I ever wanted to be happy again.

 

After much contemplation and back-and-forth with myself, I wrote the OM a NC letter and eventually confessed to my boyfriend about the affair. I thought about not telling my boyfriend and just trying to keep it to myself for the rest of my life to spare his feelings, but I knew I could not live with myself and that lie. It would have undermined our relationship and I would have driven myself crazy with guilt. The guilt was like the weight of the world on my shoulders and made me physically ill (I was raised Catholic, so my parents instilled that Catholic guilt deep into my soul lol).

 

I sometimes still wonder if I did the right thing or if it was merely selfish of me to try to assuage my guilt. My boyfriend says he is glad that I told him, that he would have preferred to know, even after hearing everything about the affair. Part of me also knew that I wouldn't be able to stay away if I tried to keep it to myself. That I would always be craving a hit of that drug and tempted to go back to OM unless I blew my cover and got everything out into the open. I am glad now that I confessed and have been able to rebuild my relationship with my boyfriend. I am glad to finally put the affair behind me and move on with my life.

 

Does anyone else have experience with confessing to their betrayed spouse/SO, and do you feel it was the right thing to do? For those of you who were single OW/ OM whose affairs have now ended, how did it end? Did you have the courage to end it yourselves? Although I wrote the OM a NC letter, I caved and contacted him a few weeks later. I wish I had just walked away, and maybe kept just a shred of dignity, but I wasn't strong enough. Has anyone successfully reconciled with their betrayed spouse/SO after confessing? I am curious to hear anyone's story and any advice you might have after the affair has ended. Thoughts?

Edited June 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[anika99]

I do not have experience in this area but I think if you are glad you confessed and your bf is glad you confessed then that's all that matters.

 

 

Did you also confess to your bf that you had contact with the OM after you sent the no contact letter?

[GoldieLox]

I ended it due to a lot of push/pull, then we started up again briefly. He then ended it due to him not being able to handle it anymore. His feelings were so great for me that he knew he had to end it now or the whole thing was going to get caught. We were going to feel stronger for eachother, he'd lose his kids, blah blah blah. I called horse$hi+ until very recently where we ended up speaking and he reaffirmed the same thing- that he had very strong feelings for me and felt torn. (He said this without trying to get in my pants or remain friends, so there's a bit of credibility I guess).

 

About 2 months ago I ended up confessing everything to my husband, and I mean everything. I was sick of lying by omission. I believe it was the only thing I could've done to save my marriage, as does he. We are slowly but surely working through it. It's very tough, but we are trying. I have disclosed every word I spoke to xAP also to my husband since the affair ended almost 4 months ago. This included all work related conversations to which he really cared nothing about, and the recent conversation we had (it was more one sided, xAP talked and I just listened. I had my say then walked away).

 

As for xAP, I still have to work with him but he's now just lumped in the rest of the PITAs I have to deal with. I know everyone said not to talk to him one final time, but I knew me and I knew I had to. There was a lot of finality in the conversation for me and I feel like from here on out I can truly start to heal.

Edited June 5, 2015 by GoldieLox

[cocorico]

Does anyone else have experience with confessing to their betrayed spouse/SO, and do you feel it was the right thing to do?

 

My H did this. He disclosed the A to his xBW when he told her he planned to leave the M. It was definitely the right thing to do *for him* - he is someone who struggles with any form of duplicity or dishonesty, and since everyone else knew anyway, he felt he ought to tell her too.

 

For those of you who were single OW/ OM whose affairs have now ended, how did it end?

 

The A itself ended when he left his xW. We became an official couple and got M as soon as his D was through.

 

 

Has anyone successfully reconciled with their betrayed spouse/SO after confessing? I am curious to hear anyone's story and any advice you might have after the affair has ended.

 

Advice on this aspect is more likely to be found on the infidelity board, since most of the people who post on this board are single OW and OM, or MOW and MOM posting about their Rs with their MAPs. Posts about reconciling after Infidelity - from both BS and WS - tend to be posted in Infideltity where the marriage / LTR, rather than the A, is the focus.

[Paenitentiae]

Thank you for your replies.

 

Anika, my boyfriend knows that I contacted OM after I sent the NC letter. I have told him everything. He has read all the text messages. I think pure transparency has helped us tremendously in rebuilding our relationship. We are much more communicative now and I feel a huge weight lifted now that I am being honest again.

 

GoldiLox, I felt the same way in my affair. I was exhausted from the push and pull, from getting hurt all the time only to go running back. I was exhausted from lying to my boyfriend, from leading a double life, and it was weighing heavily on our relationship. I don't think I could have lived with myself if I had not confessed either. My boyfriend and I are working through things now too. It is hard work, but so far has been undoubtedly worth it. I wish you the best.

Edited June 5, 2015 by Paenitentiae

[Confused48]

OP, I've followed you and appreciate all your threads and posts. I will say that I think you did the right thing. There are those BS that say that if the A is over and etc., they would rather not know. Fellini comes to mind. I think that is rare. I think most BS want to know. Then there is the fact that for you to be healthy, you may need to tell.

 

In my case personally, I found out the hard way. Very hard. Middle of the night exposure of the A in the most horrible way. Anytime you have a secret like that you have to know there is a small chance that this could happen. Do you (general) really hate your BS so much that you would risk having them find out in some horrible fashion?

[carhill]

For those of you who are no longer in the affair, I am curious, how did your affair end?

 

Pretty simple actually. We were flying home from visiting her new grandchild across the country and I made the decision to move on at that point based on interactions prior and simply helped her collect her bags of the luggage belt, gave her a hug, said goodbye and walked away. In retrospect, that was perfect timing. No unfinished business. Nearly six years later, it still feels like a healthy decision.

[SammySammy]

I got tired of being the OM. Went NC. Radio silent.

 

She still calls and texts from time to time, but I never respond.

[GirlStillStrong]

My affair ended because I realized the truth, which was that MM had no intention of separating and divorcing, even though he said he did. I accepted that the relationship with him was not anywhere near what I wanted and never would be, and that he was just cheating on his wife. I removed myself from the physical affair, the sex, and slowly removed myself from the emotional part. That allowed me to see him more clearly. He still comes around, with the same old story and the same old expectations of me, but I know better now. I am letting him come to see that I am no longer, and will not be in the future, a participant in his game. Sooner or later he will go away of his own accord, the same way he showed up. I've found it's the only way to get rid of him because trying to talk to him about my needs or reason with him simply does not work.

[Grapesofwrath]

I had an A in my early 30s with a MM at work. (about 17 years ago) I was single. It lasted for 3 years. I ended it because I was tired of being the OW and realized the relationship would never develop into anything more. I also discovered that he had lied to me many times (duh!) and specifically about whether he had other affairs in the past. He told me I was the first, and then I discovered I was one of many.

 

I wanted to have children, and he was standing in my way of that goal. (earlier in our relationship he told me that if I wasn't pregnant by age 35, he would impregnate me. Now, that statement cracks me up. I mean...c'mon. Seriously?)

 

To end it, I told him I was done. We were done. NC wasn't possible, given the work situation, but I didn't need it. I was done. Past done. And that was that. Saw him yesterday at work, which happens periodically. Seeing him and talking to him have zero emotional affect on me. If I was open to it, I'm sure he'd go right back. But that door is closed. Locked. Nailed shut.

[loveandlight]

I finished my A by telephone. Not because I didn't want him. But because I did. I wanted him with all my heart as he was the love of my life. He asked if he could see me to discuss it but I told him there was no point. We had been in an A for five years. I would see how much turmoil he was in wanting to leave his W and children for me. I didn't want him to choose. I thought it would be better if I was upset and in pain than his W and 2 kids who were about 3 + 5 at the time. I never told him the truth as to why I finished with him. He never contacted me again after that. I met up with him about a couple of months later after I contacted him but he was very cold and distant towards me. He said that I would 'run off' if ever he said to me 'how about it' (referring to us living together and settling down together) and I told him I wouldn't have done. He didn't believe me.

 

I called him a few weeks later and he told me I was too late. That he had had a death in the family and I shouldn't expect to pick up where we had left off a couple of months earlier. I told him I wasn't trying to. I hung up on him as I couldn't believe how cold he was being towards me. I never contacted him again.

 

That was 25 years ago. He is 65 now. His girls are all grown up now and married with children of their own. He is still married to his W. There has been NC at all between us over the years. I wish I could have the chance to tell him the real reason why I dumped him before he dies but I don't think it matters any more given all the years that have since passed. The pain is still with me but I have learned to live with it over the years. I could never understand why he was so cold and uncaring towards me after I ended my A with him. I am sure the truth is he never really loved or wanted me as he let me go so easily and I'm sure he never thinks about me at all. I moved on with my own life and next year I'll be emigrating. I want to put the past behind me and start a new life.

Edited June 5, 2015 by loveandlight

[NewLeaf512]

After 2.5 years in which I never asked him to leave his wife, most of the time not even physically seeing each other (obviously I hoped in my mind that he would leave one day) he started therapy 4 months ago and decided on his own he wanted a divorce ( so he said). I started feeling antsy. I told him he was like an actor in a play and all the other people around were unsuspecting actors in this fake disaster we created. The next day he sent me a receipt showing he paid the retainer for the divorce lawyer. I should have been happy but I wasn'. I was sad for all of us and pissed off with myself. We live thousands of miles apart so we had a communication routine. After sleeping on his decision I finally saw myself clearly as a mistress and him as a cheater. I didn't send the morning text. He starts telling me what's wrong and I let him know I was taking a little while to think. He started ringing all my phones texting ect 50 to 100 times a day. I asked him to stop repeatedly he carried on for 3 days. I finally picked up the phone and said "stop I to thinking I'll text you when I am ready. He continues. I finally can't take it and when he calls I answered. Told him I'd go to walways be friend with him but I couldn't keep having him call, he'd recentlly done yet another bumbleand whe he called back , on the screaming match that went on from secondhg said I'm doing this ASAP.; I'm sick of crum I need an whole time man and

I Am finished with him and if he does it once more I'm calling his wife. AP thought I was serious and ran home few hours later it's them calling me, saying I told her everything even the lawyer ( I think he spun it like it was my fault) hangs up on me and I've not heard from him since. 7 days ago. Result!

[ladydesigner]

When I was the MOW the xOM ended it to be with his gf then kept contacting me for about a year later. I finally asked for NC.

[nikki76]

I was in a very bad place mentally when he came along. He was friends with my H. He was doing remodeling in my new house. H and I were arguing all the time. MM saw I was weak in my marriage and knew exactly how to play me.

We had no intentions of leaving our spouses.

Our A was only physical for 3 months, then emotional for 9 months. He would make excuse after excuse to not meet up with me. We only communicated via our private facebook page.

I tried ending it a few times. He always contacted me within a few weeks. Saying how sorry he was.

Blah blah. I was finally able to see the damage I had unknowingly caused my marriage and my kids. They were falling apart because of me. We lost all communication because of me.

At the time, I thought mm made me feel like I was on top of the world. Now I see, he was only pushing me deep underground and damaging my horrible self esteem.

By seeing how awful this man treated me, made me see what a real man my husband really is. I always took my life, my husband, kids and everything else for granted. This A has made me appreciate everything that I could've lost, for a person that isn't even considered a man in my book.

Our marriage is better now then it has been in years. I hate that it took an affair to realize what I could've lost. But I'm a strong believer that everything happens for a reason

No, we never confessed. I have many reasons why I didnt. Im done defending myself for my reasons on here.

 

I eneded it with no warning. Just blocked, deleted and changed email addresses. .

The other times I went nc, I wasn't ready. I know this time, there is absolutely no turning back. It's the greatest feeling ever!!

[Josmatjes]

I was meeting him and I forgot to turn my location off on my phone and my husband was wondering why I'd goto this particular place. So he drove their and saw our cars together and the whole thing blew up. It was meant to happen and in a lot of respects I'm glad because I wasn't happy with the sneaky person I'd become. I would never have another affair and I strongly advise anyone who is thinking about it to just keep walking....

[RoseVille]

He'd attempt to end it due to guilt, and be back very shortly thereafter... weeks, days later.

 

The last time, he was such a jerk that I just gave him a piece of my mind and slammed the proverbial door shut.

 

He basically did the, "Be such an ass that she has no choice but to dump me!" cowardly thing.

[Poppy47]

I just got sick of everything one day and ended it out of the blue.

 

I looked at the things I had been doing to be in an affair with the man and questioned my own sanity for the last 7 years (on and off).

 

It was ridiculous. Who , in their right mind, has to wait for phone calls, sneak around crappy coffee shops and only see the man once a fortnight or every three weeks???

 

I would rather be alone for all eternity than do that again and I did it to myself.

 

Poppy.

[m4p]

Someone saw us out having lunch, took a pic and sent it to his wife. He got questioned that night and was kicked out of home for lying about his whereabouts.

 

We kept in touch when he was staying with a sibling. Was still a "we" for the next few days. I was worried and he was in shock at being caught. He got chastised from all his immediate family.

 

Soon, his stand changed from 1)give him time to sort things out.. to 2)maybe we shouldn't do this anymore.... and finally to 3)we should do the right thing and end this.

 

Lots of crying over the phone (yeah he cried too). We said our byes. Deleted our secret texting app. At the same time, he was groveling and begging his wife and she finally let him back home. Since then, the few times I hear from him, they are still "working it out".

 

Funnily, how can someone work things out while still lying? He never confessed about the A. She still doesn't know that we had a PA for past 2 years. All they agreed was that he had overstepped boundaries and too close to female friends for her liking. We were seeing each other every single weekdays for 2 years straight; overstepping boundaries is understatement of the century.

 

I know where she works, her contact details, I've even been to their home when she was away. But I never felt compelled to tell her. It is just not my right to do so. He can continue lying to her and as much as I feel bad, I won't do it. If I didn't care right from the beginning, why should I stir trouble by doing so now?

 

Lastly, I confessed to my then-boyfriend and broke up with him. He deserved better and is in a new relationship now.

 

I joined this forum right after D-Day to try to cope. Here's where I slowly learnt ending the A was the best thing to have happened to me.