Husband's grudge after my affair

[Babs22]

I still have to wonder why he gets to be mad that you had an affair, but you are not allowed to be mad, or sad, or unhappy that he had an affair? That makes no sense. You don't want to get a restraining order or confront H and OW because it might aggravate him. No, it is not too early to give up on this marriage. Can you talk to a lawyer? I have no idea what divorce law is like in the Philippines. I suppose if he is still supporting you and the kids financially, but was going to stay away all the time, you could stay married on paper. But I don't like how he tries to make you feel bad for your mistakes, but it is ok for him to carry on and have an affair and a child. I also don't like the fact that he is verbally threatening you. Please go talk to a lawyer just to see what your rights are and what you can expect from a divorce.

 

Did he get tested for diseases like he made you get tested? He needs to.

[sandylee1]

Okay ....I understand a bit more because Filipino's take female infidelity even worse. It's illegal there but...............you've both done wrong here. I also know a high percentage of Filipino's are Catholic, which may be adding to your situation.

 

Are you not entitled to be mad about his affairs?

Is he still living with his other family?

Is that acceptable to you?

Does he accept any wrong doing?

 

Marriage counselling won't help where one party refuses to accept fault or doesn't want to reconcile.

 

You may just look after the kids, but you are legally entitled to child support from him and half the marital assets If you divorce.

 

Don't behave timid and submissive, otherwise your H will grind you down.

 

Everyone wants to keep the kids stable, but your H won't get passed your affair because he expects you to be pure and holy while he can have two families. You can be sure he's had more than these two affairs, but he thinks it's okay.

 

Do your kids know about the half brother?

 

Your husband wants to dominate you in every way in this marriage.

 

As Babs said, in telling your family about the affair tell them about his affairs too. Tell him to confess his affairs to his family.

 

Did you ask questions about his affairs? Did you ask for details of what they did?

 

Did you get answers?

 

If your H just wants you to look bad in all this, your letting him get away with it. Do not let him take the moral high ground with living proof of his infidelity.

 

If he's still living with his OW, then he's still in an affair

 

Unless you get smart and stand up for yourself it's hopeless.

 

Do you have access to money from the businesses?

Are these businesses in his name or joint?

 

Be aware that his jealousy over you and this man is more than he can handle.

 

If you are in the US, I repeat that you can find a Philipino women's support group in some parts . If you can't find one just go to a women's support against domestic violence and the people who run it often know about other support groups specific to certain groups.

 

 

If you don't want to get a restraining order at least increase the security in your home with security cameras and don't go out alone with your husband .

 

Meet him at any location he suggests and it has to be in public. If he suddenly tells you it's okay and he forgives you don't believe him. It will only be a trap to let your guard down . Then he'll seek revenge and it could cost you your life.

 

From everything you've said this marriage is over. Why does it matter to him what your family say if he can't forgive you?

[iamhopeful]

Just an update about my problems..

My husband asked our nanny if I'm still crying. She told him that I don't cry that much anymore. And he said "That's good."

 

Does it mean that he had shaken off his anger a bit? Should I contact him or just wait for him to contact me first?

 

I really want to save our marriage. I keep on praying that my husband will come back to me..

[sandylee1]

Just an update about my problems..

My husband asked our nanny if I'm still crying. She told him that I don't cry that much anymore. And he said "That's good."

 

Does it mean that he had shaken off his anger a bit? Should I contact him or just wait for him to contact me first?

 

I really want to save our marriage. I keep on praying that my husband will come back to me..

 

It's hard to advise you when you haven't answered previous questions.

[Lois_Griffin]

Just an update about my problems..

My husband asked our nanny if I'm still crying. She told him that I don't cry that much anymore. And he said "That's good."

 

Does it mean that he had shaken off his anger a bit? Should I contact him or just wait for him to contact me first?

 

I really want to save our marriage. I keep on praying that my husband will come back to me..

You have a nanny and yet you're still not working 'because your children want you to take care of them?' Then what do you have a nanny for? I suspect this question, along with the 200 others asked, won't be answered.

 

Yes, I say you wait for Prince Charming to come home. Be sure to lay down on the floor so he can wipe his dirty shoes on your back as he comes through the door. Then, you can begin catering to him 24/7.

 

My brain is bleeding.

[No Limit]

Let me guess - your husband chose the nanny.

You're surrounded by a network of other women your husband keeps as affairs. He won't come back because since you're dependant on him he'll use you as he sees fit, and now he has a new "main woman" he prefers. Go and have some fun with other (SINGLE! Don't interfere with other families!) men, you're worth far more than this.

[Fugu]

You do NOT need to remain married to this lowlife. However, as you have children together, you WILL need to find a way to make some sort of peace with each other.

 

I wouldn't feel guilt or shame over the affair. No, it wasn't the right move on your part, but he had it coming to him on some level.

[iamhopeful]

My mind is telling me to leave the marriage, find a job and go somewhere with my kids to start a new life without my husband. This morning, my husband told me that he already nded his affair but he won't come back to me. He told me that he doesn't want to communicate with me because I'm one of the triggers. A few minutes after we ended the phone call, he texted me saying to check my email. The conversation was friendly at first. He told me that he still loves me very much and that he's fighting against his anger, wounded pride and vengeance. He told me that he missed me so much and he's doing his best so that everything will be fine. I found hope. We ended our chat exchanging I love yous.

 

I thought I was happy but deep inside of me as saying that it's too good to be true. I went to church to attend mass this afternoon and I have full of doubts about my husband's real intentions. This evening, we chatted again. He told me things he wants me to change and told him what he needs to change so that we would never stray again. After I told him that I hope he can appreciate my efforts and not to verbally abuse me, he just said okay. As soon as I told him that I want to receive affection and intimacy, he got mad, very mad. Cursing, name-calling, every painful words he can think of flooded the chat window. I answered his wuestions very calmly but he didn't stop. He said that he wants me to kill the other guy and that he'll definitely forgive me and give me a 2nd chance. tand I need to do it fast because procrastinating his request means that I'm telling him to enjoy with women and told me to hope that they won't get pregnant. I understand his rage but this is too much. I don't have that much patience and understanding anymore. I'm holding on but I know I'm going to leave this marriage anytime soon. I already did everything to prove to him that I'm committed to healing our marriage but his rage is too much for me to handle. I don't deserve this marriage. I want out and leave him. I can support my kids without his help. I don't want him anymore. This is too much and he's insane.

[No Limit]

It seems your common sense is finally picking up.

Whatever he says is a lie - he never ended his affair, and he doesn't love you (or any of the other women - he loves himself only). He knows you're slipping from his control so by saying he loves you he wants to make sure you won't leave. If you can support yourself and your kids, then by all means leave. This isn't healthy and you can do better than a manipulative, cheating prick.

 

And quit trying to prove you're committed to his marriage - your husband isn't resentful of your affair. In fact he likely thanks you for cheating, it gives him the excuse he needed to justificate his own actions to himself. This has nothing to do with you, this is all in his head. You're just stuck with him for some reason, likely because you're afraid of the unknown - but trust me, it can't be worse than your current situation.

[BetrayedH]

I think that his requirement for you to kill your AP is a bit much. I might consider saying no to that.

 

Just my $.02

 

Seriously, it's time to call it quits. He's whacked. And this is coming from a guy that had a RA.

[spanz1]

My husband was asking me the details about how many times we had *ex, what positions, how satisfied I was, if I did oral/anal, etc. I kept on telling him lies but my husband didn’t stop until I told him everything. He’s very furious of the fact that I did oral/anal with that guy. He called me slut, prostitute, dirtiest of all the dirtiest because I had *ex only after 12 hours of meeting that person. He asked me why I did those things that I didn’t do with him even during the peak of our intimacy. I told him that that time I was blinded of my emotions and desire for that guy to be happy.

 

 

 

are you trying to say you do not understand why your husband did not believe your lies, and did not forgive you immediately? Really?? You do not have a clue why he is holding a grudge??

 

 

maybe you should try to explain to him why you denied him sex acts that he asked for, but you gave freely to a stranger?

[Noirek]

are you trying to say you do not understand why your husband did not believe your lies, and did not forgive you immediately? Really?? You do not have a clue why he is holding a grudge??

 

 

maybe you should try to explain to him why you denied him sex acts that he asked for, but you gave freely to a stranger?

 

Really Spanz? Really???

 

I find it hard to believe her husband sat on his moral high horse made of crap.

[Babs22]

are you trying to say you do not understand why your husband did not believe your lies, and did not forgive you immediately? Really?? You do not have a clue why he is holding a grudge??

 

 

maybe you should try to explain to him why you denied him sex acts that he asked for, but you gave freely to a stranger?

 

You do realize that her husband had an affair first and had a child from his affair? Right? I don't think that she knew about this before her affair and it does not make her affair ok, but he does sit on a "moral high horse made of crap" as Noirek said. OP did not ask her H lots of questions about his affair, and frankly when I first started reading her story, I was pretty sure he was having at least one affair. The thing is she lives in Asia and there is a big double standard there about men and what they think is ok for them to do outside of their marriage and how they treat their wives.

 

I hope that iamhopeful does get out of this M. Her H sounds pretty unstable.

[autumnnight]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts but I'm afraid that getting a restraining order may aggravate things.

 

Should I wait for my H to come home before doing anything? I blocked him in my email and my phone so that I won't get hurt of his decisions. I want to go to a marriage counselor instead of an attorney. He's very mad about the "details" of my affair. I researched A LOT about how a husband recovers after his wife's affair and these made me understand why he is reacting this way. 2 days ago, we talked on the phone. He asked me if I want to meet him. I asked him if it's okay with him and he said after a pause "Not yet". Then he talked about him going home this 27th. He said that he wants to talk to his and my parents about our situation. He wants me to tell them about the "details" of the affair and see if his parents would still want us to stay together. He always tell me that he cannot accept the fact that I cheated on him because I'm a naive-type of a woman and that I'm a stay-at-home mom and that he's a good father and provider (true).

 

I already did everything I can to prove to him that I'm not seeing that guy anymore:

 

1. Already sent a No Contact Message to that other guy. My H saw the text messages I sent and the OG's responses. I changed phone numbers. He even got my phone with the new number with him.

 

2. I PERMANENTLY deleted my Facebook account. He asked me what's my new Facebook account. Told him that I didn't create a new one (God knows I'm telling him the truth!) and he said that if I will tell him that I've got none, that means it's the finality of our marriage. He didn't reply when I asked him if he wants me to create a new FB account. It wasn't a challenge but I was asking if me creating an account will change his mind.

 

3. I disclosed the email address I created where I can contact that OG and my H was the one who deactivated it.

 

4. I have 2 other email addresses for my 2 phones so that I can download apps and games. He logged in to the accounts and found nothing because I didn't use it for email communication.

 

6. Every time I go out, I always tell my kids' nanny where I'm going and what time I'll be coming home. The nanny then calls me and tells me that my H called asking where I am and what time I left.

 

7. I tested for a Hepatitis B and HIV because my H asked me to. Thank God both test results were NEGATIVE. He then told me to have my self vaccinated.

 

My mind and heart are fighting whether to see a marriage counselor or a lawyer. I want my kids to grow up with a complete family. My H always tell me that I'm the one to be blamed. My mom and sister are very furious about my H's affair but because I've sinned against my H, I only feel pain. I don't feel even an ounce of hatred. I sometimes think that I may have killed my H and his OW if I found out about their affair if I didn't stray.

 

Any marriage counselor here who can advice me what to do? Should I hold on to this marriage and hope for the better or just give up?

 

Will it pacify my H's anger if I won't communicate with him until he comes home this 27th? Or should I text or call him everyday instead? He tells me that every time he thinks about me, flashbacks flood his mind. Is there a way to control his mind not to have flashbacks?

 

I'm putting my neck out, but I am gonna say it.

 

I don't know where you got the above advice, but anyone who advised you to do all of that and open yourself up to a WH who has threatened your life is an idiot. You do not live in the US, your culture is different, AND your H is a violent serial adulterer.

 

Do NOT do the wayward wife dance here. For your own well-being.

[spanz1]

You do realize that her husband had an affair first and had a child from his affair? Right? I don't think that she knew about this before her affair and it does not make her affair ok, but he does sit on a "moral high horse made of crap" as Noirek said. .

 

 

sorry, my bad. I missed that, I was responding to her first post

[Chi townD]

Wow! This is just a hot mess.

 

 

Okay, you broke off with the AP and you want your marriage back. BUT! You're blocking all communication with him because you don't want him yelling (verbally abusing) you.

 

 

Okay, he was a douchebag of a husband before the affair, but I think his lashing out at you is because he's hurt pretty bad right now and he wants you to feel some of the pain he's gong through. But, if you want this marriage to work, you can't block him out! IS he going to say hurtful things? YEP! Is he going to ask the same questions over and over and over again? YEP! IS he going to yell? YEP! Are there times he's going to seem indifferent? YEP! Are there times he's going to cry? YEP! Are there times that he's going to call you really hurtful names? YEP! But, that's just part of the healing process.

 

 

If were you, I would start seeing a counselor NOW. By yourself. Well before he comes home. If you want to save this, then start being proactive in fixing this rather than running away from it!

[autumnnight]

You do realize that her husband had an affair first and had a child from his affair? Right? I don't think that she knew about this before her affair and it does not make her affair ok, but he does sit on a "moral high horse made of crap" as Noirek said. OP did not ask her H lots of questions about his affair, and frankly when I first started reading her story, I was pretty sure he was having at least one affair. The thing is she lives in Asia and there is a big double standard there about men and what they think is ok for them to do outside of their marriage and how they treat their wives.

 

I hope that iamhopeful does get out of this M. Her H sounds pretty unstable.

 

This is an example of one of the various situations in which the cookie cutter mantra quote box solution to infidelity does. Not. Work.

 

The OP's husband had the affair(s) first, including a child. The OP's husband is unstable, unpredictable, and angry...possibly violent.

 

The OP's affair was very very wrong.

 

But the brainless "do it the same way regardless" advice given to the typical WS will. not. work. the. same. way. here.

 

This is not rocket science. A size 8 shoe may be the most common size for a woman's shoe. But if THIS woman wears a size 6...it ain't gonna fit.

 

OP, I advise you to begin counseling and work to regain YOUR integrity. I do NOT advise you to wipe your angry WH's slate clean and chalk all of his current instability up to your A. That would be basically blindly ignorant.