We Haven't Met Yet! - Long Post

[BabyFirefly]

Let me start off by saying this will be a rather long post and I tend to ramble so... There's that.

 

I'm in a long distance relationship with someone I've known for 10 years this year, in fact, marks a decade. We've never met in person, however, we never expected to get to where we are now either. We've always been really close friends and only decided to get together recently. Last year was a bit difficult for us, but we've since worked it out and we've been together since around last November.

 

Our relationship is fantastic - I'm dating my best friend. He's a really good guy and I know that he is sincere in what he says. We talk every day, as much as we can. We don't really fight at all, but there is an occasional misunderstanding and feelings get hurt. We always make sure to talk through it though, he's the type of guy who doesn't really like showing his emotions, but has really opened up even more so than he has in the past. I, on the other hand, am a very emotional woman and he knows this crazy. Haha

 

So why am I here? The only issue, is a really important one and I'm trying to be rational/logical in my thinking. We haven't met yet. - I want this to happen, this year. This summer even. He says he wants the same thing, but work is just crazy and he can't get away. He works at his family's business with only immediate family working there. So, if one of them miss work they don't make money that day.

 

It's a very small business too, so I can understand that. I know that he isn't lying about any of it, I just feel like he's also stalling a bit. He hasn't even told his family about us being together, although his mother knows about me. I've even talked to her before. He's told me he doesn't want to until it's time to meet up because he doesn't want to deal with his family's reaction to us having met online. I can completely understand because my family is the same way.

 

He wants to come to me and he refuses to let me pay for anything. I even offered to go to him, but he says it will make him more comfortable the other way around. Again, I can understand that because our families are actually very similar. The thing is I just don't want us to wait longer than necessary.

 

I care deeply about him and I know he feels the same, I just don't know what to do. What do I do? Any suggestions? A gentle push? How do I approach the subject and make any sort of progress?

 

Just today I mentioned that he should bring up the subject to his mother to get her input and he said he would soon. He's very close with his mother, that's why I mentioned that in the first place.

 

Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks!

 

Btw, we're both in our twenties.

[minime13]

My suggestion would be to meet as soon as possible before investing much more into this relationship.

 

The reason I feel you guys should meet in person as soon as possible is because physical chemistry is important. You can share all the same hopes, goals, dreams, and everything else, or even have some workable differences here and there, but when it comes to the physical chemistry, that can't be substituted for anything else. Ask anyone that's used any online dating site. The picture may do it for you, but the real thing just may not.

 

Talk to him more about you coming to him, and make a definite plan (summer, or a specific month) as a goal to do this. At this point, he's left it in the air to where he is insistent on coming to you, but his work schedule keeps him indefinitely busy. To me, that's entirely too open-ended. You need a timeline that you can both agree on, and a compromise on traveling. This will give both of you the time to make preparations (telling family, etc.,).

[BabyFirefly]

My suggestion would be to meet as soon as possible before investing much more into this relationship.

 

The reason I feel you guys should meet in person as soon as possible is because physical chemistry is important. You can share all the same hopes, goals, dreams, and everything else, or even have some workable differences here and there, but when it comes to the physical chemistry, that can't be substituted for anything else. Ask anyone that's used any online dating site. The picture may do it for you, but the real thing just may not.

 

Talk to him more about you coming to him, and make a definite plan (summer, or a specific month) as a goal to do this. At this point, he's left it in the air to where he is insistent on coming to you, but his work schedule keeps him indefinitely busy. To me, that's entirely too open-ended. You need a timeline that you can both agree on, and a compromise on traveling. This will give both of you the time to make preparations (telling family, etc.,).

Thanks for the quick reply!

 

I completely agree with you, I would love to just set a specific date and stick to it, but I don't want to seem like I'm forcing the subject. He says that we will meet and "it's not a possibly that we won't". He knows sometimes I need reassuring I guess, because it does get me down and he understands.

 

I also feel really bad because if he misses work to come meet me, what does money look like for everyone else? The business is client based, so they take a certain amount each day. If one person can't work, no one gets paid.

 

I don't WANT to make him do anything, but at the same time, I really think he should at least talk about it with his mother to see when he can get time off from work. I feel selfish for saying that, but I don't know, I think I've been pretty patient and reasonable about it.

[justwhoiam]

Hi BabyFirefly,

 

Welcome to the LS LDR forum.

 

Let me start by saying that agreeing to be in a relationship with him before even meeting him at least once was a bad decision. Not letting that happen would have been a good enough reason for him to do something to arrange a real date with you ASAP, not to risk to see you ending up with someone else instead.

 

What is this family business? And if he's not at work, no one gets paid? How come? I don't get it. So what happens if he's sick or needs to go to hospital for a while? No one else can work without him?

That's very bad planning for a business.

That would also mean that he can't go on vacation for the rest of his life. That'd be terrible, and sounds like BS, honestly.

 

He hasn't even told his family about us being together [...] he doesn't want to until it's time to meet up because he doesn't want to deal with his family's reaction to us having met online.

So will you make up a different story about how you met? And if so, what is it?

 

What do I do?

I guess we need more information about this business, because I can't really understand.

 

Any suggestions? A gentle push?

If you need to push it when it hasn't even started, it sounds like a bad start to me.

 

How do I approach the subject

I think you already approached the subject.

 

I mentioned that he should bring up the subject to his mother to get her input

How so? What input could she offer? What do you expect? Personally, I do not see why the mother should be involved in your first date with this guy. I mean, isn't he like 25?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I'm sorry but I don't see a meeting happening any time soon. I think he isn't being totally honest either, which I know you probably don't want to hear. I find it difficult to believe that there's no possible way he can ever get any time off work.

 

Also, you say you're dating your best friend. Think about that for a moment- you've never been on a date. You've never seen this guy in the flesh. What is your definition of dating, exactly? I mean that sincerely. You have agreed to be in a relationship with someone you have never laid eyes on in person, someone whose family has no idea he's even in a relationship. I wonder if his mom knows the full extent of it, and you should be asking yourself the same.

 

I think you need to take a giant step back. You have tried to get him to agree to a meeting (for a long time, it sounds like) He has been resistant and giving you reasons that don't sound totally credible, at least not in my opinion. He knows you want to meet so he doesn't need a push. You need to decide how much more you're willing to go along with this, and also what your bottom line is. What do you expect from a man you're dating? Arranging to go on a first date should never be this complicated. I wouldn't invest anything further unless and until he nails down a date and the plans are set. I think you're being strung along, girl.

[Sweetgirl28]

OP, it sounds to me that your relationship is more of an addiction than an actual connection with a person. I am sure you guys get along online, and that you share each other's deepest secrets, but you need a physical relationship as well.

 

Let me tell you a story of what happened to me. Back in 2008 when Facebook was still new and exciting, I met a guy over a silly game which doesn't exist anymore now. We started talking over the chat function of the game, and it didn't take very long before he added me as a friend. From that point onwards, we started talking on a daily basis. I felt as if he was my best friend. Why? Because I could tell him everything without fear of these secrets ever coming up in the world of my physical friends. Does that mean he was my best friend? Not really, he was just someone I could share my deepest thoughts with without jeopardizing my social reputation.

 

After a while, he started to drop sexual innuendos about my appearance in my pictures. I liked the attention from someone halfway around the world. With 8 time zones in between, there was no prospect of ever meeting up anyway. Was this a relationship? Definitely not.

 

But then fate entered the picture; I was offered a year long internship only one time zone away from him. Was meeting him still in my head at this point? Not really. I would definitely not go out of my way to go see him, and I don't think he would have done the same for me.

 

A couple of months passed with limited communication due to me being busy... until my employer told me they were going to send to a conference... in his city! Suddenly, I got all excited about him. I texted him the dates when I would be in his city so we could meet up. He seemingly got excited too.

 

When I finally arrived, he texted me that we should meet up soon. Days passed without him answerring my texts. When he finally did - on my second last day - he told me he was out of town helping his mom. That night, we did meet up for an early dinner and a movie. I was instantly disappointed when I met him; he was shorter than me (in heels) and his voice was very soft-spoken.

 

We hung out, and it was fun. That was about all I have to say about it. He texted me a couple of times when I was back in my town, but we never met each other again. I started dating someone in my physical world, and I told him about it. We never talked to each other again.

 

Conclusion of my story: it's not because you like to talk to each other that you're in a relationship, especially not if this guy doesn't make any efforts to come see you. This may not be what you want to hear, but it's best to protect yourself from disappointment. Good luck!