Newly Divorced and utterly devastated

[Moarbread]

So, it's been about 2 weeks since my divorce was finalized. My ex wife is the one who wanted it. I tried everything to stop it but nothing helped. I'm just having a very hard time and want to put my story down.

I met my wife at my job when I was managing a restaurant. In fact, I was the one who hired her. Long story short we eventually got together and everyone saw it coming. She was young, 18, and I was 26. She was a nerdy little goth chick and I just loved her to death. Still do. Now to the meat of things.

 

She was a very passive and submissive person while I was very dominant and full of myself because I had many girls to choose from. She vied for my attention the first 6 months of us seeing each other before I chose to be exclusive with her. Some of her friends thought I was mean to her, while some of her friends thought I was just what she needed. My wife had just got over a cocaine binge of 2 years and was a very unmotivated person. Hadn't graduated high school( was working on her GED) and loved to just lay around most of the time and watch T.V. or play video games. I feel that I helped light a fire under her to become more than she was. She has even stated such things and thanked me for doing so.

 

Fast forward a bit, my two best friends who are married were swingers at the time and wanted to see if we would be interested. It wasn't my first time doing things with them and after asking her if she'd want to she said yes. Now that is where the can opened up. My wife had previously told me she was okay with threesomes and all that, but now i wonder if she just wanted me to like her more for it. A bit further along we did start inviting other women into our bedroom. She seemed fine with it. She did enjoy girls pleasing her but not so much the other way. At one point I did ask if she wanted a guy involved and she said no that it would be too much for her. One at a time was fine for her.

 

At first we just messed around with my friends on occasion. It wasn't until years later that other women really got involved at all. This was around the time i popped the question. Which she said yes to obviously, but more importantly asked me "are you sure you want to marry me?" She didn't always have the best self esteem.

 

Now we get married, she is 21, I'm going on 30. We have fully talked about having this type of relationship going forward and all seemed fine. Then about 2 years into the marriage I started ****ing up. I guess I was so use to the other women thing that I just would flirt, text, message other women because it was so normal by then. She caught me talking to some girl online and was very upset with me. Then I tried bringing a girl home for us one evening and she said she was on that time of month and couldn't do it. Well, one too many drinks later and I get caught with this girl as my wife is waking up. Yea, I know, I'm a real piece of work. After this happens I'm hugely remorseful and I say " look i don't want to live this way anymore, it doesn't make me feel good and I don't like how it makes you feel". So we close that off.

 

We move into a new apartment. She has a chance to go to a concert with one of our long time friends. Whom I know she is attracted to and has made me very jealous of in the past. As in, lighting up when his name is brought up, letting him manhandle her at parties, and ignoring me if he's around. So I'm very apprehensive to this outing of course. She even asks me if she can have sex with him before she goes out. Which I said no to. Because I thought we had agreed we weren't going to be living that lifestyle anymore. Well, she texts me at about 1:30 in the morning saying the concert just ended. Which I knew at once was a complete lie. So I tell her to head home after she says shes going to go back with this guy to his place to hang out with his wife(yes he is married). After she gets home she continues to lie about the evening. I come to find out that she had about a good hour to 2 hours alone with this guy but says all that happened was they made out. That's where **** got out of hand. I blew up, things got physical. I still don't believe that's all that happened.

 

After this occurs I'm thinking divorce. Not necessarily b/c of the physical aspect of what she did, but b/c she lied with so little hesitation and no remorse or guilt. But I don't. I forgive her and we move on.

 

Now a little about me and my ex. She is a very passive aggressive person, where as I am very vocal when I'm upset. Whenever I would try to talk to her she would shut down b/c she hates conflict that much. We never really seemed to make solutions. She would apologize for something than later in the week or maybe even the next day the same thing would occur that we just spoke about. I won't lie about myself. I have been physical with her and she tells me I'm emotionally abusive. Weird thing is in our sex life together she liked to be dominated during sex. Like being choked(i was okay with) and even slapped( which I was not comfortable with). I feel almost the aggression from that spilled over into our non sex life. I'm ashamed to admit these things. I never hit my wife in the face or broke bones or anything like that but things from our sex life did pop up when I was overly angry. She also liked to throw things and slam doors so we both could be violent when pushed.

 

Present day. Resentment and bitterness have set in. I go and stay out late with no apparent care from my wife(no calls, text, messages and its like 4 a.m.) So at this point I don't think she gives a **** anymore. I bring up that our sex life has dwindled and there's no more intimacy. Which she responds with "sex isn't that important to me, I'm not that person that I was, why don't you go have sex with our manager or our friend Lexi?" Well, I had an inch and took a couple more. I end up having sex with a different person not on the list she gave me and then she finds out. That's when she drops the divorce bomb on me. (she had asked for counseling months before finding out).

 

Months go on and she hasn't filed saying that she will stay if I can prove myself. We start counseling. Things look like they may be improving and then I get into a fight with her over the weekend about something stupid and then I start an argument with my female cousin( whom she has moved in with at this point). Drama ensues because I'm not okay with the fact my family has gotten in our business and to me feels as though has taken sides. After that weekend she totally changed. She told me she didn't love me anymore. She has shut that door. And is never coming back. Another month or so and the divorce is finalized.

 

Now I know this all sounds horrid and people are like "well, no wonder she left. You cheated and mistreated her. Which I will not deny. I also forgave her for her transgressions and thought maybe I'd get the same. Thing is I also feel I was emotionally abused. Every time I would try to communicate with her I would get shut down. She would withhold sex from me if I were to say anything she deemed to be "mean". She would be passive aggressive and do things poorly on purpose just to make me angry. She could be very cold and say extremely hurtful things without having to raise her voice to do. She would forgo my feelings. She would tell me that the things I brought up were trivial.

 

I will go on the record saying this. I did yell at times and I called names. I also was very quick to apologize b/c this was usually in anger and when we were fighting. Thing is my wife has a done a complete 180. Where when I first met her she didn't have many friends, low self esteem, no career. Now she has all that and I was by her side helping her get there all along. I feel she got to a point in life she no longer needed me and just cast me off. She even let me know that the whole time she always thought "well if it doesn't work I can just get a divorce". I just wanted someone to fight for me. I know I sound like a terrible guy but I was very sweet to her. Buying her things just because. Doing all the housework without being told. Extremely affectionate and doting. Telling her I loved her all the time and just how beautiful she was. I know I could be a hard ass but most of the time I was extremely chill.

 

Anyway. Thanks for reading. You can flame me and say mean things and I can tell you that nothing you say I haven't already said to myself. I hate myself for how I was and knowing I had the perfect girl for me and I let it slip by me. I'm just lost and confused now.

[acrosstheuniverse]

You screwed up in so many ways. Cheated, physically abused her. Are you really surprised she's gone? Your last paragraphs make it sound like you're indignant that you made her into a better person and now she's gone and someone else will benefit from it. She ain't your property. Sounds like she put up with a lot because she was young and still developing into her own person. I don't even know her but I'm proud of her for getting away as most abused women who've been involved since a young age barely know who they are outside of the relationship.

 

What are you looking for her? Advice on how to move forward? You need therapy, anger management counselling and to work out how not to mess up your next relationship as badly as you did this one.

[elaine567]

Young girl swayed by your age and your more senior position into thinking she got a prize.

She wanted to appear grown up so agreed to your threesomes. But of course they were only for you, so as she grew up and became more confident she rejected them. As she was growing up she looked around and you were not the prize she originally thought you were, she wanted more. YOU started to look and to behave pretty tawdry, so she looks elsewhere.

She is young she wants a life and not one where you cheat and mistreat her.

 

This is what typically happens when horny older guys hook up with young girls, at first the young girls, led by their naivete and their sex drive, want to please, want to keep their older bf and agree to just about anything,

The horny guy thinks all his Christmases have come at once, a hot young babe who led by his desires and experience, is the fabled whore in the bedroom. She is persuaded to let him have FFM threesomes and a swinging lifestyle, as that is just what adults do. He gets regular sex and gets a supply of new women too, WOW, what's not to like!

 

Then the young girl grows up, gains some confidence and insight and start to see him as a horny older guy who just used and abused her.

She then wants more out of life than that.

She looks forward to a brave new world - his world crumbles into pieces.

[Satu]

The original post reads like a guide to things not to do in your marriage.

 

Time for deep self - examination.

 

Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

What are you looking for her? Advice on how to move forward? You need therapy, anger management counselling and to work out how not to mess up your next relationship as badly as you did this one.

 

Agreed, seems you're just venting. No pain, no gain so I'd guess you've learned some hard lessons about relationships.

 

The one thing that stands out about your story is the sense of entitlement you brought from day one. At each step you seemed to feel enabled to do those things that satisfied or benefited you first and foremost. As you've discovered, not a healthy perspective for a marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[coryreply]

I'm sorry you're hurting. Divorce is such a painful thing. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

 

There were a lot of mistakes made on your part, and hers. You can now focus on moving forward with your life in a more healthy way.

 

In my opinion (and please know, that's all it is), the type of sexual life you are striving for will leave you continuously feeling abandoned and hurt. Sure, it's very satisfying in the moment but those moments never turn into forever. I think human beings are most satisfied when we settle into a monogamous relationship with a loving spouse, that we would give our very lives for. iT's something to ponder, anyway.

 

Good luck to you, friend!

[Satu]

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

[Moarbread]

You screwed up in so many ways. Cheated, physically abused her. Are you really surprised she's gone? Your last paragraphs make it sound like you're indignant that you made her into a better person and now she's gone and someone else will benefit from it. She ain't your property. Sounds like she put up with a lot because she was young and still developing into her own person. I don't even know her but I'm proud of her for getting away as most abused women who've been involved since a young age barely know who they are outside of the relationship.

 

What are you looking for her? Advice on how to move forward? You need therapy, anger management counselling and to work out how not to mess up your next relationship as badly as you did this one.

The physicality that happened was nothing different than what happened in our bedroom, just in a mode of anger instead of passion. She would thrown things and most times I would just put her on her butt. This happened maybe a handful of times over an 8 year period. Not saying that I'm okay with what I did regardless of this. Did you read the part about how she cheated too or did you skip over that b/c you seem like you are laying everything on me? My wife could be manipulative and deceiving, since you say you don't know her. She would put up a very false sweet front to others and would change that up when the doors closed. You sound very righteous in your claims considering you don't know me as a person either. I always, ALWAYS, tried speaking civilly with my wife when we had disagreements. What exactly do you do when a person literally stonewalls you at every single attempt at resolution? She would literally sit in silence as I tried talking to her. I always gave her ample room to speak her mind and she never took it.

I think we both need counseling and not just me. We did go to counseling and the majority of the time the counselor had to stop my wife and reel her back b/c of the hurtful things that came out of her mouth.

Edited June 5, 2015 by Moarbread

[Satu]

It's sad tale, but life goes on.

 

You have a new beginning as well as an end.

 

Have you thought much about how you want to live your life now? How do you see relationships now?

 

You have a blank canvas to work with.

 

If you use it well you can be happy.

[Moarbread]

I haven't given much thought to anything. I've become very depressed and just self loathing. I know the things I did were not okay. I am extremely aware of that. I also know that the things she did were also not okay. I'm struggling right now with the blame game b/c she has made it as though I were the only one to do wrong in our relationship. The key problem was our communication. Everyone tells me "well, she was too young, or maybe she needs to grow up a bit." I really don't want to go on with life as bad as that sounds. This was my longest running relationship. I told myself if my first marriage doesn't work that I'm not going to go at it again.

[Satu]

It might best for the both of you to go No Contact for a while at least, so you can both get some healing done.

 

It's hard to do that if blows are still being exchanged.

 

Time alone would do you a lot of good.

 

Every option is open to you.

[acrosstheuniverse]

The physicality that happened was nothing different than what happened in our bedroom, just in a mode of anger instead of passion. She would thrown things and most times I would just put her on her butt. This happened maybe a handful of times over an 8 year period. Not saying that I'm okay with what I did regardless of this. Did you read the part about how she cheated too or did you skip over that b/c you seem like you are laying everything on me? My wife could be manipulative and deceiving, since you say you don't know her. She would put up a very false sweet front to others and would change that up when the doors closed. You sound very righteous in your claims considering you don't know me as a person either. I always, ALWAYS, tried speaking civilly with my wife when we had disagreements. What exactly do you do when a person literally stonewalls you at every single attempt at resolution? She would literally sit in silence as I tried talking to her. I always gave her ample room to speak her mind and she never took it.

I think we both need counseling and not just me. We did go to counseling and the majority of the time the counselor had to stop my wife and reel her back b/c of the hurtful things that came out of her mouth.

 

I'm sorry but I'm very into the S&M scene, and if a guy treated me outside of the bedroom how I want him to treat me (sometimes) inside the bedroom, that stops being play and consensual and starts being abuse. There is a big difference also between throwing something at the wall and slamming doors and physically assaulting someone. Massive difference.

 

When someone refuses to speak to you and stonewalls you, you tell them it isn't any way to conduct a marriage and go to marriage counselling. If they won't, and there's no communication, there's really no relationship is there?

 

I did see the part where she cheated but to be honest it was kinda lost amongst the parts where you strung her along six months before dating her exclusively, you flirted with, texted and messaged other women until you got caught, slept with a woman in your home when she was asleep and so forth. Sounds like she did eventually cheat on you but I get the impression you did a lot of it before she finally decided to treat you as you treated her. I don't mean that to sound harsh, just there was an awful lot of drama in your post, so yeah it's easy to miss who did what to who... it just sounds like a mess.

 

It shouldn't really matter whether she needs counselling or not at this stage. You are not her and you can't control what she does, you're divorced so it's time to start focusing on yourself, changing how you behave in relationships so that you can have a healthy one next time. I'm sure she has her faults but honestly to me she sounds like an 18 year old kid in no way ready for the headfk that came with such a serious relationship with someone who had a real headstart on growing up and becoming an adult and wanted threesomes, cheated, and got violent. Perhaps stop playing the 'blame game' accept you both acted in ways not conducive to a relationship but stop being so defensive when challenged, you'll know you've reached a place of maturity and readiness for change when you can hold your hands up and say 'yes, I was wrong' without following it up with a 'but so was she'.

 

If you don't want to go on with life but there's a part of you that still wants to live then it's even more important you go for individual counselling/therapy around these issues. Reach out. You sound like you will have learned a lot from such a dysfunctional relationship, you can use that to make sure you treat the next person you're with properly, and also only accept the best of treatment in return. That's the only way to find a loving, stable relationship... give somebody you best and be willing to walk if you don't get the same in return. And no harm in swearing off marriage for life, doesn't mean you can't meet a longterm partner!

Edited June 5, 2015 by acrosstheuniverse

[KBarletta]

I haven't given much thought to anything. I've become very depressed and just self loathing. I know the things I did were not okay. I am extremely aware of that. I also know that the things she did were also not okay. I'm struggling right now with the blame game b/c she has made it as though I were the only one to do wrong in our relationship. The key problem was our communication. Everyone tells me "well, she was too young, or maybe she needs to grow up a bit." I really don't want to go on with life as bad as that sounds. This was my longest running relationship. I told myself if my first marriage doesn't work that I'm not going to go at it again.

 

Moarbread - Your feelings of self loathing and blame at this stage are natural - but please don't let them consume you. I would encourage you to seek therapy, write a journal, talk to people, keep posting here. Get those feelings out or they will only make matters worse.

 

I would also encourage you not to worry about what your wife thinks or whom she is blaming because there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Concentrate on the things you have the power to control: Namely, yourself and your life and what you do with it. Remake yourself into a better person.

 

 

You have several things going in your favor that make this situation a little more manageable than most: You are young, you have no children, and you've recognized that you have made serious mistakes - make sure you don't make them again. Turn them into learning experiences.

 

I am in your shoes in a way - not the physical stuff, and not the much younger wife issue - but in the sense that my first marriage has broken up, and communication played a major role in the demise. I am with you that I don't think I will get married again, but I surely would like a serious relationship in the future, and I have a much better sense of myself and what I need from a partner, as well as how to be a better partner, than I had before. That's the silver lining.

 

I wish you luck. I know it's hard, but there is only one way to go, and that is forward.

 

KTB

[GorillaTheater]

I haven't given much thought to anything. I've become very depressed and just self loathing. I know the things I did were not okay. I am extremely aware of that. I also know that the things she did were also not okay. I'm struggling right now with the blame game b/c she has made it as though I were the only one to do wrong in our relationship. The key problem was our communication. Everyone tells me "well, she was too young, or maybe she needs to grow up a bit." I really don't want to go on with life as bad as that sounds. This was my longest running relationship. I told myself if my first marriage doesn't work that I'm not going to go at it again.

 

Okay, you f*cked up, she f*cked up, but things aren't so bleak that you need to be thinking about suicide. If you are considering it, PLEASE call the suicide hotline, 1 (800) 273-8255, or seek professional help.

 

The best thing you can do, of course, is learn from this. Sounds like you have, at least to a point, but there's likely more work to be done.

 

From the limited information we have, it sure sounds like the relationship was always dysfunctional, and from a purely objective standpoint it's best that it's done and over with. You both managed to inflict a hell of a lot of pain on each other.

 

Doesn't make it any easier in the moment, I know. But you can handle it, man. Just don't let the lessons you've learned go unapplied.

[Satu]

Blame and guilt don't help.

 

Taking personal responsibility for ones own behaviour, does help.

 

That is part of the impetus that will move you forward.

[Moarbread]

I appreciate everyone's advice. I am having a tough time at coping with everything. I've never had a relationship get to the point of being physical. I hate myself for it. My dad was abusive with my mom and me and I told myself I would NEVER become that person. And now I have. It's the hardest thing to live with. Now I'm just "one of those guys". My frustrations with her definitely drove me to fits of rage. She just knew how to push my buttons like no one else I'd been with. But how I dealt with it was wrong.

 

I know this sounds stupid but she was my everything. I love her more now than I ever have. I remember the first day we met like it was yesterday. Our wedding day couldn't have been more perfect. We had it the day before Halloween b/c we both shared such a love for the season. We had so much in common and she was beyond beautiful. I just feel I'll never top her and see no point in trying. In the months leading to the divorce she could look at me with no emotion and say "I don't love you anymore" and even though we have both messed up I had never been so hurt in all my life by those words. I just thought after 8 years together we could have just looked at each and said " look, we have been messing up. I just want to hit the reset button, get help and make it through this with you." But she said she's shut that door. She could be so cold sometimes and I often questioned her love for me throughout our relationship. Like the words didn't match up to her actions.

I know I need to pick myself up but I have never been more depressed in my entire life. I'm leaving the state b/c everything reminds me of her. I can't hang out with friends b/c we have so many interconnecting people in our lives. They just look at me with pity or disdain depending on who they are.

[Satu]

A new start is a fine thing.

 

Focus on you.

 

Become the person you want to be.

 

You don't have to be that person you don't like.

 

You can change.

 

Mental and emotional health is underpinned by two things:

 

1. The acceptance of reality as it is, even if you hate it.

 

and:

 

2. Successful adaptation to that reality.

 

There's no way around those two steps.

[Popsicle]

The original post reads like a guide to things not to do in your marriage.

 

Time for deep self - examination.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Yes, this.

You tried to get away with a lot of things and it didn't work. Live and learn.

[Brigit]

I appreciate everyone's advice. I am having a tough time at coping with everything. I've never had a relationship get to the point of being physical. I hate myself for it. My dad was abusive with my mom and me and I told myself I would NEVER become that person. And now I have. It's the hardest thing to live with. Now I'm just "one of those guys". My frustrations with her definitely drove me to fits of rage. She just knew how to push my buttons like no one else I'd been with. But how I dealt with it was wrong.

 

I know this sounds stupid but she was my everything. I love her more now than I ever have. I remember the first day we met like it was yesterday. Our wedding day couldn't have been more perfect. We had it the day before Halloween b/c we both shared such a love for the season. We had so much in common and she was beyond beautiful. I just feel I'll never top her and see no point in trying. In the months leading to the divorce she could look at me with no emotion and say "I don't love you anymore" and even though we have both messed up I had never been so hurt in all my life by those words. I just thought after 8 years together we could have just looked at each and said " look, we have been messing up. I just want to hit the reset button, get help and make it through this with you." But she said she's shut that door. She could be so cold sometimes and I often questioned her love for me throughout our relationship. Like the words didn't match up to her actions.

I know I need to pick myself up but I have never been more depressed in my entire life. I'm leaving the state b/c everything reminds me of her. I can't hang out with friends b/c we have so many interconnecting people in our lives. They just look at me with pity or disdain depending on who they are.

 

I'm so sorry that you're feeling bad right now. You do sound like you're in a lot of pain. Are you under the care of a psychiatrist or therapist?

[66Charger]

I appreciate everyone's advice. I am having a tough time at coping with everything. I've never had a relationship get to the point of being physical. I hate myself for it. My dad was abusive with my mom and me and I told myself I would NEVER become that person. And now I have. It's the hardest thing to live with. Now I'm just "one of those guys". My frustrations with her definitely drove me to fits of rage. She just knew how to push my buttons like no one else I'd been with. But how I dealt with it was wrong..

 

I am sorry, maybe its just my upbringing, but I am not understanding the support.

 

Where I come from a Wife beater is just below a cheater and just above a pedaphile.

 

You took this innocent 18 year old flower and twisted her. Then you hit her

 

Several times.

 

I am offended that you get any support here.

Edited June 6, 2015 by 66Charger

[66Charger]

I appreciate everyone's advice. My frustrations with her definitely drove me to fits of rage. She just knew how to push my buttons like no one else I'd been with.

 

Textbook from a domestic abuser. And all you LS posters know it.

[66Charger]

I am out on this thread. Know this, if your wife was my sister, you wouldnt be posting.

 

Unless its a matter of life or death, MEN dont hit women, Ever.

Edited June 6, 2015 by 66Charger

[health]

You call that a marriage? A lot of people are into swinging, leaking sexual energy etc etc. Saying it's the modern way etc etc etc...well this is the end result - a huge mess. I say don't get married and either stay sleeping around, or focus and be with one girl. I think the damage was already done far earlier on here. Good luck, and a great thing kids weren't involved.

[Lois_Griffin]

I guess the thing I'm most confused about is why she STAYED so long.

 

I would have been out of there YEARS ago.

[Moarbread]

I did not hit my wife several times. I did not beat my wife. We got physical but I didn't give her black eyes and broken noses like it seems you're saying. Did we get physical? Yes. What I did was not okay. But its far from what you're implying. I'm not a textbook abuser. I have been in many relationships before and not once did I ever lay hands on a woman. I am not proud of the fact that in this relationship it went there.

 

People mess up and my anger took me to a place I didn't want to go to. I have no idea why she would have stayed had that been the case that I beat her. Cops weren't called. No restraining orders. And to call my wife innocent and not know her is a long stretch. My wife loves the occult. She literally has a book of contracts where she sold drugs for peoples souls. I posted the bad things I did in a very short summary. To get a scope of our relationship as a whole would be pages and pages worth of reading.

 

My wife would throw things and I would wrap her up so she would stop. I don't know if that qualifies as beating. I hit my wife in the arm one time and it was nothing that me and my own sister don't do to each other or a good friend who gives you a charlie horse. I'm not happy with that even still. It was wrong. But to call me one step down from a pedophile is going much too far. I'm actually great with kids. I was raised in a daycare b/c of my stepmother. I'm a animal lover. I don't kick dogs and set fire to cats. I'm not this ******* of person you're trying to make me out to be.

 

I'm actually a very kind person. I have lots of friends and people love hanging out with me. I don't know why I treated my wife the way I did at times. Majority of the time I was very sweet to her. Extremely loving and caring. I don't think she would have married me in the first place had I not been.

Edited June 8, 2015 by Moarbread