Stressed about guy friend/crush

[xmayax]

Hi, I am 26 have difficulty relating with others due to anxiety. I thought to post here as I do not have many friends to confide in and in need of advice.

 

I have been in an abusive relationship for 4 years, the wake up call was when strangled. That was months ago and I ended it but he begged me back. My confidence is slowly growing and I know I will be ending it for good soon, he is 31 and recently diagnosed with MS.

 

Last year I was in local woods when a man I knew years ago through chatting online approached me as we had seen eachother in around park/woods at distance and he recognised me and asked for my number. We share similar interests, love nature and he is so chilled out as an individual. We met up.a couple of times to go on walks, texting regularly and got to point when I opened up about being in abusive relationship and he was understanding saying things like always light at end of tunnel.

 

I declined meeting up with him mostly, due to social anxiety of which is is okay about.

Couple of weeks ago on Saturday he invites me over to his house and it was a challenge but I went. Such a chilled out time, talking though I was super quiet and nervous, listening to music, smoking (you know what I mean), drinking. He was a gentleman basically, not like other guys. By just after midnight I was tired ad even though just 5 minute walk from mine he said I could sleep in his bed whilst he slept near his baby parrot downstairs as he has been sleeping like so most recently. Whenever we see eachother he hugs me hello and goodbye, his hug as I was by his bed was different, at time I did not realise but it was sensual in subtle way.

 

In morning I wake early after best sleep in months. Surprisingly. Sunday morning about 8am I go downstairs and he says I can stay longer as still early. We had breakfast, made me jasmine tea and we had a smoke, had just recovered from tonsillitis so had low energy and he and must have looked tired as after him saying we should meet more, I can stay over again and that he wanted go on walk in woods with me that day, he saud I could go lay on bed chill with the tea and smoke, no rush. I go up, back down as I needed a lighter and he asks if I want him to join me and I said no. I was feeling flustered, he is very attractive guy and I look a state in mornings and I tend to have habit of pushing people away.

 

Sometime later he comes to bedroom and says I will have to go soon but no rush his aunty is coming over inabit and so abit more time goes by and time to go, downstairs he gives me the unopened wine he got in for me. I was kinda still edgy, he hugged me but I didn't give as much of hug and I did not even say bye properly looking back.

 

 

Have texted him couple of times since and he has been ignoring me. So far from the warmth he has. I have said I will post money for the drinks he got in as I did not have purse on me at time. I feel like I should knock on his door (not expecting to be invited in or anything) when I am out on evening stroll with dog and question him because its odd, I did no wrong. Misunderstanding perhaps.

 

Saw him a couple days ago as he left his house, me and boyfriend were walking and we saw eachother. Its like he was being slow taking it in, was at distance but we were looking at eachother, boyfriend did not notice anything. So quick but like slow motion intense. I then looked away, he was walking in same direction behind us and I did not look back. Now if it it were just me it may have played out differently.

 

There's been flirtation, catching eachothers eyes and gazing, hugs lingering, putting his hand on my shoulder near neck as,he walked by as I was sat down.

 

We bump into eachother quite alot regularly just out n about like at woods or like on streets. I feel I need to talk face to face, what do you think? So annoying and he has been in my dreams past couple of nights, last one me and him held hands whilst sat in cinema, just annoying. Any advice would be appreciated. I think he be up for friends with benefits situtation, should i mention such or is that too much x

[La.Primavera]

Ending your current toxic relationship first will help.

[preraph]

I don't know why you're even talking about a one-night stand when you are with a guy who strangled you. You really need to get some help. You are smart and know you have confidence problems (self-esteem). The only thing that is important right now is fixing you so that you are not vulnerable and feel you are no better than to take up with this abusive man you are with. If you don't fix you, you will only attact another one like that.

 

Here is one link you should visit that offers help and resources. There are hotlines (anonymous) for victims as well.

 

Jane Doe Inc. | For Victims and Survivors of Domestic Violence

[xmayax]

Thanks preraph, I have been to my locsl women's aid centre and they were helpful although I am still with him. I have always had issues with my confidence, since a young child as I am deaf and never felt I fitted in anywhere. My brother who is 4years older than me, used to abuse me emotionally throughout childhood, talking interacting with my parents and twin sister but not me. When I was studying animal management at college I would not go in some days due to anxiety and just pretend to go out to college but just go back home when everyone went out, one day my brother in and when I opened the front door he came at me and strangled me. Parents kicked him out and he went to live with our aunt.

My boyfriend knew of this.

He knew and yet he did the same, he hurt me more and my neck was in more pain and for days afterwards. As he had hands on me I thought back to when my brother did such. It was different, he was very unhappy, tried kill himself, housebound, felt worthless for many years. He did not leave me in any physical pain but emotional for sure. He sorted himself out, he has been in navy for about 4 years and we now talk and I still have trust issues but its better than how it was, yet sometime I do wonder if he is just pretending to like me and thats disturbing.

 

I still have some love for boyfriend as crazy as may seem, he knows me so well and weirdly I have bad insomnia when I sleep at mine (still at parents, moving out in couple of months which is great, just me no boyfriend, I am going to end it soon) but I sleep well when at boyfriend's ( lives with his parents).

Its going to be difficult, I know I have been pushing it to back my mind, since I snapped out of it and became aware of fact a few months back that I am being abused as has been terrible emotional/mental/ verbal abuse, he manipulates very well. Since I have not cried, I am a sensitive person who easily gets upset, no fear crying in front of strangers or new people when going through crisis as I have harmed myself in past in highschool, dark times, I will come out of this stronger, I have overcome darker. I have a new job I like, I am more focused on my future, despite all this pain I feel.

 

Such long post, oops.

[Satu]

You have to leave the abuser, if you want a life worth living.

[newmoon]

the ship has already sailed, but a good way to avoid being abused in the future is to not mention it to every guy you meet. people - for whatever bizarre reason - will often do to you exactly what someone else has done to you in the past when you mention it to them. if tell a guy you were abused, he already knows you'll put up with that behavior. it makes it easier for him to abuse you (if he's that way inclined) knowing you'll take it. you really should end the relationship you're in before trying for anything else. this new guy is showing you that someone else is potentially out there for you, and the dreams are also a way of introducing that further into your mind.

[preraph]

I'm very glad you have gotten help and I hope you keep getting it. It is hard with abusers, because most of them also have a nice side. But you just have to get to the place where you simply think too much of yourself to live in fear. And I know that's what it is. You never know when he may go off. My dad went off once when I was 3 and then it was 9 years before he went off again, but anytime I heard him up and about at night, I wondered if he'd get his rifle and shoot my mother (if they'd been fighting that day). I know what it's like living in that fear. I love my dad. He was hilarious, but he had moments of uncontrollable rage from something in childhood. It's a terrible thing for a child to have to live with.

 

But as a woman, you must require a better life for yourself. Navy may have matured him in some ways, but it's unlikely it cured his violent streak. My old best friend married a guy she'd met while we were roommates. He was never violent although I caught him stealing once so I had my antennae up. He joined the Navy too, and got stationed on the East Coast and she followed. As soon as he had her there away from friends and family, he began hitting her for the first time. He was just too cowardly to do it around her friends and family. She called me and came right home and divorced. Now she's married for 30 years to a nice guy who really takes care of her. She too came from a chaotic family. That's what makes you comfortable with abusers. They are familiar and even "normal" to you because that is what you had to learn to cope with. So you have those skills and on some level feel you can handle a certain amount and let them in instead of running them off at the first red flags.

 

Keep working. I know you've had a really rough road and I think you've made amazing progress from what you've written here. You do have a protective sense of self. Don't be afraid of being alone either, if it comes between that and being with a bad man. Alone means you can do anything you want and follow your dreams. Good luck. Don't ever lose your connection with those people who helped you. They could be your lifeline.

[xmayax]

Ended it last night, he was being emotionally abusive and something happened I just stood up for myself telling him no one.can give a person MS as he used always say before diagnosis I was making him ill, he was lost for words and angry. Then I questioned him about past events and he just denied doing what he had done so I flipped and threw apple juice at him and got my things to go. He was calling me a psycho bitch and came up at me shoving me. I went downstairs where his mum was as needed front door unlocked and me and her had a talk, he came into living room and infront of his mum denied everything again, I was like 'why are you lying, your being two faced' again he called me names and that I am stupid, this was with his mum stood by my side. He then went back upstairs, his mum was upset. Said he knows how she feels about men who are abusive with women. I then went home, he texts and I texted him back. He has not said sorry for abuse, he is saying things like all he ever wanted was for me to love him, he has rang few times but I have not picked up. He says he is sorry cos things are tough with him being ill and stuff and he don't know what he did wrong last night. Hmm.

Part of me wants to be friends, I will miss him too much, it hurts. I have my first therapy session today so maybe that will help.

The responses here from my previous posts helped greatly by the way, xpeacex

[preraph]

Hooray! You got out, and having his mom supporting is good. Will help protect you.

 

Please take this seriously: Do NOT ever have contact with him again! Not as friends or anything. You are out. Now shut that door firmly behind you and refuse all contact and block him from every social media and get a new phone in case he has yours bugged and a new phone number. I know you have a complex bond with him but it is just not safe to keep up contact with someone who strangled you! He will continue to be a threat, perhaps now more than ever. So cut him completely off and keep a log if he keeps trying to contact you and get a restraining order if necessary because him breaking that is the only way to lock him up or anything.

 

Now is a good time to recontact your women's shelter and tell them where you're at and get their professional advice about it. So proud of you! It's over. Don't let him back in.