No Contact VS. Friendly Conversation & Space

[Hard Worker]

Hey guys,

 

I posted my story on this and a few other advice sites a day or so ago. In a nutshell, I'm in a 12+ year long relationship with my high school girlfriend, and suddenly now that we have grown up, graduated college, and started "real life", it has taken a turn for the worse. She has started staying with her mom again, and completely refuses to talk about our relationship. You can read my previous post if you so choose. So far I've gotten for the most part some really good, helpful advice. One of the most common bits of advice I see on my post, and many many others is that No Contact is the best way to solve problems. How ever in my case and some others, the little bit of contact that we have seems to be good and helpful. When we talk it is almost like we are back in high school, back when we shouldn't have been living together and didn't have the worries. It's honestly the best part of my day. It's just normal conversation, tell each other about how our days went, what all is going on the next day, good night, sleep good, talk to you tomorrow. We laugh, and she likes to confide in me and ask advice about matters of work or family.

 

My reason for this post is to see what your opinions are regarding continuing this as opposed to completely ending contact. Are there any success stories from going back to the way the relationship began? Any thoughts on this possibly allowing us to feel comfortable enough to move on with our relationship eventually? I know about the friend zone, and am concerned about slipping into that. However I have heard many people say that the best relationships are between best friends, and many couples say that their significant other IS their best friend. Let me know what y'all think regarding this?

[BrokenJourney]

Personally, I don't think no contact is the panacea that a lot of people believe it is. I think it's helpful for when you're not emotionally strong enough to handle having contact. But I don't think that not being in communication with someone is going to get them to come back to you.

 

I don't know, though. I've never been through this before.

 

I am, however, going through a period of trying to get someone back while maintaining daily contact. Like you, it's playful and nice. I enjoy the conversations that we have. We maintain daily contact and I enjoy it. It's not exactly the way I wish it would be, but I want to stay connected.

 

Will it work? I don't know. But that's what I'm doing.

[Hard Worker]

Thank you for your opinion on this. I'm having a hard time understanding how the no contact path is the best option. I enjoy talking to her and it makes me feel better every day. Also we are not broken up, and it seems to me that no contact would be essentially breaking up, which is not what I want to happen. I do understand that it might assist in making someone miss you, however as busy as what we both currently are, we really don't have time to miss each other. If she still lived here we wouldn't be talking much more than we currently do. Keep posting and let me know how things work out for you if you don't mind. I'll do the same.

[Popsicle]

People tell you No Contact because they want you to move on, however, if you don't want to move on and want to get her back and think that's a chance, then continue with the daily contact. That would be the best course of action and hopefully she comes around.

[NopeNah]

People tell you No Contact because they want you to move on, however, if you don't want to move on and want to get her back and think that's a chance, then continue with the daily contact. That would be the best course of action and hopefully she comes around.

 

Until she "comes around" with what?...another dude? NC is to distance yourself from the situation, get your head on right,and go from there. While you're in contact with her,she's using you for her own reasons.

[Tayla]

Regrouping can aide in changing the relationship. Most folks tending to this avenue need to understand that "going" back to how things were is the entire thing they are trying to avert. Think of it as a new chapter, a fresh start in a different and sometimes healthier direction. I think you both are wise to build the friendship portion. May it grow stronger.

[ZiggyZoo]

How is it that you think you two aren't broken up? I'm not trying to be rude or harsh or anything, but in your other posts you made it clearer that she did indeed end things with you. That, along with her moving back with her mom and refusing to talk about the relationship should all back this up...

 

I get that you like this little bit of conversation that you have, but she's just doing it until she's completely over you. Weaning herself off little by little. As soon as she meets someone else and starts a romantic relationship with him, it WILL all end. And don't fool yourself, if she doesn't want to talk about your relationship, there's no amount of hanging around or phone calls that are going to bring this relationship back. She doesn't want that...

 

So, the reason why I and so many others advocate NC is because we'd BTDT and know what's in store for you. The very best way for you to protect yourself from the future heartbreak is to start distancing yourself from her, so it won't sting as much when she does finally end it. I get it totally that you don't want to be apart from her, but you really do need to realize that she's already there. It doesn't matter what you want, she's not changing her mind. It isn't up to you here.

 

PS No contact is not about making someone miss you. That's manipulative and passive-aggressive. If you're going to those "Get your girlfriend back in 30 days" sites, stop. It won't work...

Edited June 7, 2015 by ZiggyZoo

[Hard Worker]

Ziggy, please don't misunderstand my continuing questioning about this. I do value every ones thoughts and am putting the suggestions to good use. I am limiting contact some. I am not going to the get your girl back in 30 day sites, this and one other forum are the only two I check because the information and conversation has been very helpful.

 

I went back and re-read my original post and can easily see how it could be perceived that we broke up. How ever that is not the case. We have talked about ending it, but neither of us have been able to go through with it. She says she is just staying at her moms and giving us some space to try and figure things out. She doesn't like to talk about the relationship for 2 reasons. First is because it makes her sad, I take this as a sign there are still some feelings there. Secondly, when we would try and talk about it I used to be really bad about pushing her to just come back and we could work on it from there. She felt as though I was trying to control her and force her into it which in turn would just create an argument. I'm a very up front person, I like for problems to be brought into the open, figured out and fixed right then. If someone asks my thoughts, I expect them to listen right away and be done with the problem. She is more passive and pushes things off to the side, then continues like normal. I would imagine you can relate to me. I'm sure you read my posts and think, "why doesn't he just listen to us and end it!!"

 

The thing is, I have made a lot of mistakes through out the course of our relationship. Although inside she was always my number one priority, I did not do a good job of showing her that or making her feel that way. I felt like she would always be there and I took advantage of that rather than thinking more about her.

 

Now that she has moved out, I have changed completely. And she acknowledges that. I have become a much better person, not only toward her, but my family and friends also. My mom will be the first to admit that she used to dread talking to me, and now me and my mom are closer than ever. All my anger issues are gone, and I have discovered patience. I'm able to open up and talk to people, and also listen to their issues. It has truly been a blessing in disguise for me.

 

This is what causes me to have so much trouble with going NC. It seems like everyday our conversations are getting longer and better. Every time we talk, I feel like I walk away a better person I'm no longer forceful in trying to get us together and she seems to be opening up a little bit. If we were to go NC, or had done that a while back. Her memories would be of the person I was the last few years, the person who didn't have his priorities straight and would get mad at the drop of a hat. I'm trying to get the chance to bring back some of the old memories, from the beginning of the relationship, and create new ones with the people we are now. She has told me before she is scared to come back for fear that she will be miserable, and things will be just like before. She has said she doesn't want to risk having to go through moving out and everything again because it has been absolute hell for both of us.

 

What i'm praying for is a chance to show her that things have changed, mainly that I have changed. My fear of NC is never getting that chance. Thank you all once again for your continued advice and support. It's good to know there are people out there willing to take time from their days to help others out.

[ZiggyZoo]

You're welcome to post on here as often as you want of course, but what you're doing is pretty common. People come on here and want certain advice, and will keep going until they find one or two others to tell them what they need to hear. I personally think that you're making a huge mistake in ignoring what the majority of us have advised, and keep doing what you're doing. We've been where you are, we know what's coming for you. It's your choice what to do, and there's no hard feelings at all that you're making the ones that you want.

 

All I'm going to say now is, here's what you wrote. To me, it looks like she wanted to get married, and you came up with years worth of reasons why you didn't even ask her. I get that car accidents, flooding, and family troubles happen, but why let anything stop you from marrying the woman you love? It doesn't make sense to me, and it wouldn't surprise me a bit if it isn't having some effect on where her mind is now.

 

... Midway through college she began to want to be married, me being stubborn never asked her...

 

... At first she was just going to be there a couple nights, then it turned into a week, and has just gotten longer ever since. Now she is saying she doesn't love me anymore, doesn't want to be with me, or spend any time together. She says we were young and stupid over the past years and were probably not really in love, and feels as though we never had any fun together...

 

...She usually calls me 2-3 times every day, but if I try to talk about our relationship she just gets really mad and wants to get off the phone. I wake up every Sunday and go to church with her and her family, but of course that is not the time to work on our relationship. Every once in a while i'm able to get her to go eat with me or something, and while we are together, she will occasionally let her guard down and laugh and smile, and have a good time. But then it's like she realizes she does it and goes back to no fun mode. She has told me before she is afraid if she came back she would just be miserable and that it wouldn't ever work out.

 

None of this, or what you say is going on now, leads me to believe she's still interested, I'm sorry. She may be sad about you two ending it, but that doesn't mean that she wants to be together at all. As far as how she feels you controlled conversations, you've had 12 years to listen to her say that to you, and not change it. Until it's too late. It sadly happens all the time, one partner gets fed up over the course of years and years and ends it. And the other partner realizes way too late what happened.