Feelings developing a close friend? Can BFF with the opposite sex even work?

[Vick007]

I am new to this forum, was searching about this question and loveshack came up! Starting reading through the forum and realized what a great place this was!

 

So this is kind of a two part thing. Can it actually work to be a close friend throughout life with the opposite sex? Is it inevitable that one person in the friendship will develop feelings for the other?

 

It just seems like with at least my history with this, eventually one person "falls" for the other overtime and things can get awkward or the friendship gets damaged if its not mutual. This friendzone'd thing doesn't seem to work long term.

 

So I am 28 and have been single for 8 months. I have had some really busy stretches this year and just couldn't commit to dating like I wanted to. I basically overstretched myself with responsibilities, work, fitness and side jobs. So I have been working the last month to correct this, since its clear I am not happy single or always busy.

 

I have had a very close female friend since I was 21. We met through mutual friends and we just hit it off immediately. Problem....we were both in relationships at the time. It never stopped our friendship from developing, and before you know it, we just got into a groove with it. We loved having each other as a best friend. If she needed advice, she immediately turned to me. When I needed support, I turned to her. We have always just shared everything with each other. Its been amazing to have a friendship like this in life. We have similar hobbies so we see each other every week and we even have a designated time we meet up for lunch or coffee every week. Its been perfect.

 

Now the bad part, I slowly have developed feelings for her. I don't blame myself for this happening, she cares about me and I have cared about her. She started to become even more on my mind the last 2 months and now its become the highlight of my week when we hang out or have our late night text conversations. When you are attracted to someone or have feelings with them, you have to make it known early. I always have. But this is just different.

 

But the stars just can't align, as she has an ex boyfriend that she is seeing. She tells me all the time that they are together but aren't really happy. She tells me alot that things will go well for a few weeks only to have a huge argument or he does something to upset her and they don't talk/see each other for a week. Regardless though, there is something there since they keep coming back to each other.

 

I am concerned at this point because I have become not just invested in her as a friend but invested in her because feelings are getting stronger. It doesn't seem like this could work in its current state. It has made me somewhat depressed at times but then I always get to a point where I say, I love her friendship, I don't want that to ever change or get lost. I tell myself, its time to start meeting other woman again and dating. Then I go out on a date and my heart just isn't into it. Its also not fair to my date as well.

 

So really how screwed am I with this situation? Is there just hope to break this and either move forward with the feelings or just remain best friends? This is just a difficult and honestly this is completely new to me. Its almost painful!

Edited June 5, 2015 by Vick007
Typo!

[musikman]

A few of my best friends throughout my short life (I'm 23) have been women. At different times I've felt more than just friendliness towards them. Sometimes I've acted on it and other times I've not. I am aware of my own personality and I tend to attach to things I'm comfortable with. Once I realized this continued behavior, I was able to look more objectively at the situation.

 

 

The question(s) you need to ask yourself is: Am I truly compatible with this woman?

Am I willing to alter (usually not in a positive way) this friendship if things don't work out?

Am I truly attracted or do I care/love her as a friend?

 

 

At times it becomes difficult to distinguish between the friendship type of love and a sexual relationship type of love. Are you the type of person that can love a member of opposite sex and not be in a "relationship" with them? Not everyone is cut out for it and it definitely can hurt at times. Once you get to the bottom of your own feelings, you'll be able to answers all these questions.

 

 

Good luck, my friend!

[Vick007]

A few of my best friends throughout my short life (I'm 23) have been women. At different times I've felt more than just friendliness towards them. Sometimes I've acted on it and other times I've not. I am aware of my own personality and I tend to attach to things I'm comfortable with. Once I realized this continued behavior, I was able to look more objectively at the situation.

 

 

The question(s) you need to ask yourself is: Am I truly compatible with this woman?

Am I willing to alter (usually not in a positive way) this friendship if things don't work out?

Am I truly attracted or do I care/love her as a friend?

 

 

At times it becomes difficult to distinguish between the friendship type of love and a sexual relationship type of love. Are you the type of person that can love a member of opposite sex and not be in a "relationship" with them? Not everyone is cut out for it and it definitely can hurt at times. Once you get to the bottom of your own feelings, you'll be able to answers all these questions.

 

 

Good luck, my friend!

 

I really thought about the "I tend to attach to things I'm comfortable with" think you said and I actually feel I do the same exact thing. it factors into this situation for sure.

 

I do truly care for her but at this point I have become attracted to her as well. Its gone past the I just care for her stage last 2 months.

 

The one thing that scares me is altering the friendship if it doesn't work OR if feelings aren't mutual on her end. Its tough to gauge whether she just really cares for me or its more. There are many things that she tells me that could equally be interpreted as either she has feelings for me or she just cares for me as a friend.

 

I can say this, when we are out together, we have a blast. We hung out last night, and I felt like I was on cloud 9. It just feels different now than it has in the past. We always had a good time when we hung out, but I never felt this good being around her, talking to her.

 

Its painful being in this situation. In the past, its always been I have gone out with a girl on a few dates, and if I connect, I let my feelings known immediately. It either works out or it doesn't, but the friendship and companionship isn't hanging in the balance. This is years of being super close friends, years of a friendship where we have supported each other through tough times and enjoyed good times together. I can say this, if I lost her as a friend, or we became more distant over this, it would really hurt.

 

I don't know, I just feel very confused and hesitant to change anything. I feel lost on what direction to go in. I actually really wish I didn't develop feelings for her and fall in love with her. I actually am upset with myself for letting this happen! I can't change that now though, its too late

Edited June 7, 2015 by Vick007

[Teknoe]

I tell myself, its time to start meeting other woman again and dating. Then I go out on a date and my heart just isn't into it. Its also not fair to my date as well.

 

So really how screwed am I with this situation? Is there just hope to break this and either move forward with the feelings or just remain best friends? This is just a difficult and honestly this is completely new to me. Its almost painful!

 

Vick,

Thanks for posting in my thread. I can see why you feel we have some similarities. I will say though, I envy you as you seem to have a real friendship. Like one of those cliche Hollywood movies. Mine is strictly a close work friend, but we don't hang outside of work.

 

Anyway, I quoted you above because I went on a date last night, and the whole time my heart wasn't in it and I found myself comparing my date to my coworker crush.

 

I'd say neither of us has yet to find the right girl. As great as we think our crushes are, there's another girl out there somewhere equally if not even greater. You can't let the "so-so" ones cloud you into thinking no one will ever match your crush.

 

Over the years I have gone through many crushes. One thing they all had in common:

 

I always thought this was the one. When I finally realize it's a pipe dream, I find someone new and "better." So hang in there. Eventually we'll meet the right girl who likes us back and vice versa.

[AGoodFriend]

But the stars just can't align, as she has an ex boyfriend that she is seeing. She tells me all the time that they are together but aren't really happy. She tells me alot that things will go well for a few weeks only to have a huge argument or he does something to upset her and they don't talk/see each other for a week. Regardless though, there is something there since they keep coming back to each other.

 

Vick, this is your answer. She has an emotional and physical connection with the ex that she is not yet ready to let go of. The ex may also have this connection, or he could just be using her for sex until he can meet someone else to take her place.

 

I think, either way, you don't want to be on the outside of this one looking in. It is easier to deal with someone you have feelings for when they are not hitched in any way to anyone else. And you want to avoid being the "rebound" guy when the ex decides to get rid of her once and for all.

 

If she were in to you, then I think she would have already reciprocated the feeling. This is what happened with my BF turned girlfriend. One day, we both just let our feelings out and we have been together since. It was totally mutual. No exes, no other crushes, no FWB, just us.

 

You should accept that she is not in the cards for you and that your friendship is probably worth a lot more than a broken relationship (or no relationship) between you two down the road if she gets involved with you in a rebound relationship.

[Vick007]

Vick,

Thanks for posting in my thread. I can see why you feel we have some similarities. I will say though, I envy you as you seem to have a real friendship. Like one of those cliche Hollywood movies. Mine is strictly a close work friend, but we don't hang outside of work.

 

Anyway, I quoted you above because I went on a date last night, and the whole time my heart wasn't in it and I found myself comparing my date to my coworker crush.

 

I'd say neither of us has yet to find the right girl. As great as we think our crushes are, there's another girl out there somewhere equally if not even greater. You can't let the "so-so" ones cloud you into thinking no one will ever match your crush.

 

Over the years I have gone through many crushes. One thing they all had in common:

 

I always thought this was the one. When I finally realize it's a pipe dream, I find someone new and "better." So hang in there. Eventually we'll meet the right girl who likes us back and vice versa.

 

Teknoe, no problem! I still remember that situation with my co-worker a few years back like it was yesterday. That was the strangest crush situation I had in my life and working together is really what made it so awkward and difficult to deal with. We'd hang out, text and talk throughout that entire ordeal, and she was single the entire time, but I always got the vibe she just wanted me as a friend and enjoyed my company. Nothing more.

 

Its always hard to try and date other woman in a situation like that. Just like you said as well, your heart just isn't in the date. I remember if I was texting or talking to another girl and my co-worker crush started texting me or called me, I would completely stop the other conversation.

 

Hearing it from her close friend one night that she had a crush on another guy and I was just a friend, really is what got me to wake up from the situation. I did eventually move on, it was difficult, but I did meet a girl that I would hit it off with and she me forget about my co-worker crush. After I finally moved one, she ended up dating a guy that she is engaged to now. This was the guy she had a crush on at this time. So really regardless of what I would have said or done, it probably would never have changed that. I am glad I moved on when I did.

 

I hope you get some resolution to your situation or find someone else. I know you are going through a pretty hard time emotionally over this and I hope it doesn't last much longer!

 

Thanks for your comments. Yes its been a top notch friendship over the years. We've been super, super close. I really am seriously kicking myself for now falling in love with her. I wish I could just turn off the feelings and resume things like they were.

 

I am glad I found this community hear and a lot of threads other people have posted and commented on have helped me cope with this a little!

[Vick007]

Vick, this is your answer. She has an emotional and physical connection with the ex that she is not yet ready to let go of. The ex may also have this connection, or he could just be using her for sex until he can meet someone else to take her place.

 

I think, either way, you don't want to be on the outside of this one looking in. It is easier to deal with someone you have feelings for when they are not hitched in any way to anyone else. And you want to avoid being the "rebound" guy when the ex decides to get rid of her once and for all.

 

If she were in to you, then I think she would have already reciprocated the feeling. This is what happened with my BF turned girlfriend. One day, we both just let our feelings out and we have been together since. It was totally mutual. No exes, no other crushes, no FWB, just us.

 

You should accept that she is not in the cards for you and that your friendship is probably worth a lot more than a broken relationship (or no relationship) between you two down the road if she gets involved with you in a rebound relationship.

 

I know she does but everything that she tells me suggests this isn't going to last much longer. Maybe just a few weeks away from it being over between those two.

 

I definitely don't want to be on the outside looking it, very good point also on the rebound guy. I battle with that a lot that if she were into me, something would have happened a long time ago. But we haven't both been single at the same time, so there has always been a wall there.

 

I am happy for your BF turned GF situation! It does make me happy everytime I hear of a situation like this turning into a relationship! I guess the pipe dream now is that maybe happens in the future. But I know I can't sit around waiting.

 

The hardest thing is trying to date while this is going on in my head. I have gone out on 3 dates over the past 2 months. And in all 3 cases I was not into any of those dates. One of those dates from 2 weeks ago clearly liked me and has been texting me and wanting to hang out since. Its not fair to the girls I go out on dates with me feeling like this. I have always been one to respect woman, I don't lead unless I really like them. I shouldn't be going out on dates until I can manage to get this under control.

[AGoodFriend]

I guess the pipe dream now is that maybe happens in the future.

 

Hmmm...I wouldn't say pipe dream, either, Vick. I'm a little older, and I've seen things come around that I could never have imagined happening at the time. I mean, like 3-4 years later (my current situation).

 

Here's what I think. You should do what you can to put yourself in the position to have a chance with her should it arrive, but enjoy your life in the meantime. This is a very long-term strategy. Don't worry if it's going to happen, just be in the position just in case it does.

 

What do I mean? Stay in her life as her best buddy, but guard your feelings. Accept the fact that right now is just not the time. Even if she breaks up with him for good next week, it is still not the time. Just be there for her if she comes to you for comfort and confides things in you (just don't ask for too many details!). This doesn't have to lead to anything intimate between you two. However, you would have to watch out as she would be vulnerable after the breakup and you would as well due to your strong feelings for her. The key is to keep it friendly, and not get intimate (not easy, I know). I believe that she would respect you even more if you could hold her in a down moment and not take advantage of her. And you would be amazed at your own restraint. This would provide the base for a future relationship between you, too, I believe. I am saying this based on experience.

 

But in the meantime, don't wait for the perfect time to date. You seem like you have no trouble getting dates, and a girl is already into you. Go out with her! Why not? But like you said, as you respect women, do not get intimate with her if you aren't feeling her that way. Maybe you'll end up with a really good friend down the road, and that's nothing to frown at.

[Vick007]

Hmmm...I wouldn't say pipe dream, either, Vick. I'm a little older, and I've seen things come around that I could never have imagined happening at the time. I mean, like 3-4 years later (my current situation).

 

Here's what I think. You should do what you can to put yourself in the position to have a chance with her should it arrive, but enjoy your life in the meantime. This is a very long-term strategy. Don't worry if it's going to happen, just be in the position just in case it does.

 

What do I mean? Stay in her life as her best buddy, but guard your feelings. Accept the fact that right now is just not the time. Even if she breaks up with him for good next week, it is still not the time. Just be there for her if she comes to you for comfort and confides things in you (just don't ask for too many details!). This doesn't have to lead to anything intimate between you two. However, you would have to watch out as she would be vulnerable after the breakup and you would as well due to your strong feelings for her. The key is to keep it friendly, and not get intimate (not easy, I know). I believe that she would respect you even more if you could hold her in a down moment and not take advantage of her. And you would be amazed at your own restraint. This would provide the base for a future relationship between you, too, I believe. I am saying this based on experience.

 

But in the meantime, don't wait for the perfect time to date. You seem like you have no trouble getting dates, and a girl is already into you. Go out with her! Why not? But like you said, as you respect women, do not get intimate with her if you aren't feeling her that way. Maybe you'll end up with a really good friend down the road, and that's nothing to frown at.

 

Thanks for your words and advice, this goes a long way for sure in helping me. You really made be think about this situation differently with your post, which is good.

 

Regardless of what happens with her ex, and the conversation I just had with her at lunch,suggests they really might be breaking up soon, I will exercise restraint and just be there for her. You are 100% right on this! When I broke up with my last gf, she was 100% there for me and helped me recover much quicker than I would have without her support. I owe it to her, if/when she breaks up with him, to be there as a best friend and do not get intimate or play on my feelings with her being in a vulnerable state.

 

I am going to have to learn over the next few days and weeks to not let this filter into the friendship.

 

For some odd reason I feel a little better about this whole situation today. I have to get back to a point where I can get into dating, and not let this whole thing hang in the balance. This is going to be hard, but its the only way I can move forward.

 

I wouldn't say I get dates very easy, its harder at this age because a lot of girls or friends of friends are not single anymore. I am going to have to start putting more effort into this now that I fixed my schedule and have much more free time after work and days I don't work.

[Thejerrybest]

I just took some time to look at some threads here and I liked yours. Our situations are different but the common link is we both has feelings past friendship with a girl that has been a best friend for awhile. It sounds like your friendship is deeper with her than ours has been. We've had periods in our life since we started being best friends where we didn't talk/hang out much.

 

So in my situation a best friend of mine took things into FWB mode, and I am now on a seesaw about how to proceed. Like you I really have enjoyed her friendship through the years. In my situation, she took things very intimate one night. I took her lead partly because I find her attractive and it felt good but also the other part is I haven't been in a relationship in about 5 months.

 

So I wonder if not being in a relationship for awhile plays into this. Maybe it guides us into being vulnerable and more likely to fall for a close female friend? She hasn't been in a relationship for a few months, so maybe this all happened because we were both missing that and vulnerable?

 

I am still trying to figure out where to take my situation. Like you I care for this girl now past friends and liked what happened. But I am not into FWB, its either a relationship, or it isn't and the intimate stuff isn't there. So I want to get this out to her and planned on it, but now having some 2nd thoughts about it.

 

I wish you luck, I know you are really dealing with some strong emotions, I hope things improve! And I get the not being into the mood to date thing, no way I could date right now dealing with this.

[Adlih]

Let me tell you about my story, it happened to me the same way it did to you in many ways.

When I met my best friend, I was attracted to him physically. He swept me off my feet. I soon found out that he was in a serious relationship. That blew all my chances with him, but we worked together, that was bascially the "us" time we had. Well, now it turned out that I discovered that I not only liked him physically but he was really easy to talk to, a gentleman and that he possesed many other qualities that I started admiring in him. Now he says that we used to argue quiet often but I honestly don't remember any of that.

We never pushed anything. I didn't because of the deep respect I had for him as my friend and colleague. His well being was always my priority. This may have been as well the beginning of me falling in love. Like you, I could see some of the signs. I knew that deep down I wasn't totally indifferent to him. Days were good when he was around, I looked forward to his arrival when the time got close for him to start work. It wasn't our time yet though.

It didn't hit me how much I cared until one day he told me he was moving. Spontanous ears rolled down my cheeks with out me expecting. Yes, I had loved him way back. Did I take him for granted? I don't know. There was certainty in me that he would always be there for me. That was immensily heartwarming.

So then life set us on a path in which our feelings natually were set free. I remembering him telling me that it was very special to know that someone who had cared for so long felt the same way about you and indeed it was! This happened three years after building our friendship, having lunch, coffee and talking about so many things.

I didn't date during these three years, didn't have the need either. Instead I turned more into myself and concentrated on healing much hurt I had from my previous marriage. I forgave. He was there along the process. Never expected anything from me, our love was unconditional.

I believe we were meant to be, the right time came and it happened. I believe that if i had reacted in a way in which I was in a hurry to be romantically involved before this, both of us would have ended up feeling very frustrated because we were both in situations in which somehow we had to figure out on our own.

Now that we are finally together, I coudn't be any happier, so fulfilled! We got to the point in which we were ready for each other. A real blessing! So we say; love found us..we weren't chasing it.

I know that you know in your heart what to do. What we need to do at a precise moment is not always the easiest or the most enjoyable. May even hurt. Still needs to be done though. May be time to be couragous because there are things you have no control over, and the water needs to freely flow until it gets to its final destination.

 

I wish you the best!

[Vick007]

I just took some time to look at some threads here and I liked yours. Our situations are different but the common link is we both has feelings past friendship with a girl that has been a best friend for awhile. It sounds like your friendship is deeper with her than ours has been. We've had periods in our life since we started being best friends where we didn't talk/hang out much.

 

So in my situation a best friend of mine took things into FWB mode, and I am now on a seesaw about how to proceed. Like you I really have enjoyed her friendship through the years. In my situation, she took things very intimate one night. I took her lead partly because I find her attractive and it felt good but also the other part is I haven't been in a relationship in about 5 months.

 

So I wonder if not being in a relationship for awhile plays into this. Maybe it guides us into being vulnerable and more likely to fall for a close female friend? She hasn't been in a relationship for a few months, so maybe this all happened because we were both missing that and vulnerable?

 

I am still trying to figure out where to take my situation. Like you I care for this girl now past friends and liked what happened. But I am not into FWB, its either a relationship, or it isn't and the intimate stuff isn't there. So I want to get this out to her and planned on it, but now having some 2nd thoughts about it.

 

I wish you luck, I know you are really dealing with some strong emotions, I hope things improve! And I get the not being into the mood to date thing, no way I could date right now dealing with this.

 

Thanks and I agree with you on the not being in a relationship and becoming vulnerable for a close female friend. I kinda think that is what happened to me. I just read through your thread and I really have to hand it to you on being focused and objective in your situation. I am just not like that at all with my emotions.

 

I loved this girl as a friend and a person first. Sounds like you did the same with your friend. Its hard once the feelings start years later that go past that. I think you are in the same boat. I have no clue how she feels for me past loving me as a friend. Its hard and you know even if I know she had mutual feelings I would still be very hesitant because I don't want to damage out friendship in case it doesn't work out. You're not supposed to think that way when you fall for someone but I am in this situation.

[Vick007]

Let me tell you about my story, it happened to me the same way it did to you in many ways.

When I met my best friend, I was attracted to him physically. He swept me off my feet. I soon found out that he was in a serious relationship. That blew all my chances with him, but we worked together, that was bascially the "us" time we had. Well, now it turned out that I discovered that I not only liked him physically but he was really easy to talk to, a gentleman and that he possesed many other qualities that I started admiring in him. Now he says that we used to argue quiet often but I honestly don't remember any of that.

We never pushed anything. I didn't because of the deep respect I had for him as my friend and colleague. His well being was always my priority. This may have been as well the beginning of me falling in love. Like you, I could see some of the signs. I knew that deep down I wasn't totally indifferent to him. Days were good when he was around, I looked forward to his arrival when the time got close for him to start work. It wasn't our time yet though.

It didn't hit me how much I cared until one day he told me he was moving. Spontanous ears rolled down my cheeks with out me expecting. Yes, I had loved him way back. Did I take him for granted? I don't know. There was certainty in me that he would always be there for me. That was immensily heartwarming.

So then life set us on a path in which our feelings natually were set free. I remembering him telling me that it was very special to know that someone who had cared for so long felt the same way about you and indeed it was! This happened three years after building our friendship, having lunch, coffee and talking about so many things.

I didn't date during these three years, didn't have the need either. Instead I turned more into myself and concentrated on healing much hurt I had from my previous marriage. I forgave. He was there along the process. Never expected anything from me, our love was unconditional.

I believe we were meant to be, the right time came and it happened. I believe that if i had reacted in a way in which I was in a hurry to be romantically involved before this, both of us would have ended up feeling very frustrated because we were both in situations in which somehow we had to figure out on our own.

Now that we are finally together, I coudn't be any happier, so fulfilled! We got to the point in which we were ready for each other. A real blessing! So we say; love found us..we weren't chasing it.

I know that you know in your heart what to do. What we need to do at a precise moment is not always the easiest or the most enjoyable. May even hurt. Still needs to be done though. May be time to be couragous because there are things you have no control over, and the water needs to freely flow until it gets to its final destination.

 

I wish you the best!

 

Thank you for sharing your experience and I can say this has helped me a bit today. Its nice to hear how things transgressed over time for you and your friend, and I really like the conclusion obviously since I want that too!

 

Right now, I am not courageous nor do I think the time is right. I really just have to let things play out for a bit and continue working on my life, not stalling over this. Way easier said than done, but it has to happen.

Edited June 9, 2015 by Vick007

[Vick007]

Today was a hard day, we actually had free afternoons and we went out for lunch, and then walked around a bit afterwards talking about some life stuff. Felt healthy and just normal. I was honestly feeling find about this whole thing. Than when I had to go, she gave me a very deep hug, and we held on to each other for a little over a minute. It was strange, since it never happened in the past, hugs were always a few seconds in the past. I don't know if she just somehow sensed I needed it but it felt so good and I didn't break my hold until she did. She smiled after that and I left. Now I am again back to wondering is there more there and not feeling fine about things. How a quick moment can change things. I wish I knew what that meant, but I'll waste time thinking about it and never get an answer.

 

 

 

@adlith I was to slow to fix my reply to you but just wanted to add this!

 

I really admire the respect thing you had and the ability to not push it. I feel like I had that but now I am on the edge of this and I am afraid I might push something I shouldn't. I sadly got hurt pretty good in my last relationship, not going to go into details, but I essentially got told a pretty big lie by that girl and found out through others about it. I was forced to end it, and it really stung. I actually ramped up my side projects and side jobs out of work as a coping mechanism. It worked to get me through it, but was negative for the rest of my social life, esp not dating during that stretch.

 

My heart tells me I have to let her know how I feel and my mind tells me the time is not right, it could ruin the friendship, it might not be mutual, etc.

Edited June 9, 2015 by Vick007

[Thejerrybest]

This is kind of long and I hope this advice helps you, but this is how I feel about your situation. Mind you I am no expert, I am on here too looking for help with my situation (just updated my thread!).

 

Honestly man the only thing I see that is a problem with your situation is her Ex. If they continue to try and work things out and spend time with each other then there is some bond between them. I think you need to get to the bottom of what their relationship is and if she is really happy. Your her best friend so you can really at this point ask questions and it not be obvious what your intent is.

 

If she isn't happy and is sick of things with him, then you at least know if you want to break the friendship barrier it might be possible, but that is a question you need to ask yourself before doing it.

 

If she does like him and want things to work out with her current Ex, than all you can do is continue your friendship, be the best friend you can be, but don't wait her. The feeling can really suck at times but I feel you can't do anything else. Work on improving yourself if you feel there are things you need to work on. You need to start dating if this is the case, bring other woman into your life, let her know. See how she reacts. If she gets jealous, or isn't happy about it, then at that point you can be blunt, ask why and even if you feel the need to, tell her you have feelings for her but since she is "seeing her ex" you are respecting that and moving on. Worst case scenario, you improve your life, you find someone else you fall in love with and you remain best friends with her. Nothing different from how things are now except you might be happy.

 

So this is different because of the time we were friends, but back in college I had a girl I became friends with. I actually really liked her but she had a boyfriend that went to a different college but would visit on the weekends often. What would happen is during the week, she'd constantly be hanging out with me, but then would disappear when he showed up. I became closer to her as time went on and started to find out they were having issues. They even would break but a few weeks later they would be together. This went on for a year. I even at one point had a gf while this was going on but when I broke up with her, my attraction to what had become a good friend at this point started again. It never worked out, I never got to date her but I would find out later in life that she liked me but felt I didn't like her like that and stayed with her bf at the time.

 

My problems were, I never asked how she felt about her bf or what was going on, esp when they broke. I just sat there are at times thinking maybe she'll eventually just want to date me instead. When things go bad again, I'll try to move in. I never decided if I wanted to move past friends with her either half the time. It was the wrong approach.

 

And yes, it generally is much more difficult when you become best friends for awhile, esp years and then fall in love with her. I feel your pain and I hope things work out.

Edited June 12, 2015 by Thejerrybest

[Vick007]

This is kind of long and I hope this advice helps you, but this is how I feel about your situation. Mind you I am no expert, I am on here too looking for help with my situation (just updated my thread!).

 

Honestly man the only thing I see that is a problem with your situation is her Ex. If they continue to try and work things out and spend time with each other then there is some bond between them. I think you need to get to the bottom of what their relationship is and if she is really happy. Your her best friend so you can really at this point ask questions and it not be obvious what your intent is.

 

If she isn't happy and is sick of things with him, then you at least know if you want to break the friendship barrier it might be possible, but that is a question you need to ask yourself before doing it.

 

If she does like him and want things to work out with her current Ex, than all you can do is continue your friendship, be the best friend you can be, but don't wait her. The feeling can really suck at times but I feel you can't do anything else. Work on improving yourself if you feel there are things you need to work on. You need to start dating if this is the case, bring other woman into your life, let her know. See how she reacts. If she gets jealous, or isn't happy about it, then at that point you can be blunt, ask why and even if you feel the need to, tell her you have feelings for her but since she is "seeing her ex" you are respecting that and moving on. Worst case scenario, you improve your life, you find someone else you fall in love with and you remain best friends with her. Nothing different from how things are now except you might be happy.

 

So this is different because of the time we were friends, but back in college I had a girl I became friends with. I actually really liked her but she had a boyfriend that went to a different college but would visit on the weekends often. What would happen is during the week, she'd constantly be hanging out with me, but then would disappear when he showed up. I became closer to her as time went on and started to find out they were having issues. They even would break but a few weeks later they would be together. This went on for a year. I even at one point had a gf while this was going on but when I broke up with her, my attraction to what had become a good friend at this point started again. It never worked out, I never got to date her but I would find out later in life that she liked me but felt I didn't like her like that and stayed with her bf at the time.

 

My problems were, I never asked how she felt about her bf or what was going on, esp when they broke. I just sat there are at times thinking maybe she'll eventually just want to date me instead. When things go bad again, I'll try to move in. I never decided if I wanted to move past friends with her either half the time. It was the wrong approach.

 

And yes, it generally is much more difficult when you become best friends for awhile, esp years and then fall in love with her. I feel your pain and I hope things work out.

 

Thanks for the advice. I haven't really followed up lately on the thread because I am struggling with what I want. Sadly I have had some other things come up last few days that I have had to deal with including an injury.

 

She has been really in to helping me and making sure I am doing fine, including an early morning text conversation that turned into a phone call where I was just extremely frustrated. She has kept in touch by text and person to help me with some of this stuff. She stopped by earlier today and brought lunch as she had a half day at work.

 

Regardless this has been a huge reminder as to what I have in her as a friend. She is really one of the select few people in my life I can really count on to be there for help and support.

 

I agree with you on her ex situation that was good advice. I plan on bringing that up with her soon, just to gauge really what is going on since last time she brought him up she was upset with over an argument they got into.

 

Sometimes I absolutely love having her as a best friend always there for me and other times the strong feelings for her overwhelm me. I go back in forth. Does this even make sense to feel like this? Never thought I would hit a stage in my life where I would be in a situation like this!

[Adlih]

Sounds like you are convinced that it's not the right time. Fortunately, that always works in our favor now that it lets us let go easier of what is not within our control. What I believe will make you stronger is to work on yourself. The benefits are endless when you begin to rediscover who you are and work towards what you want. With time you'll get to see the bigger picture of this situation and understand the higher purpose for it.

[Thejerrybest]

Thanks for the advice. I haven't really followed up lately on the thread because I am struggling with what I want. Sadly I have had some other things come up last few days that I have had to deal with including an injury.

 

She has been really in to helping me and making sure I am doing fine, including an early morning text conversation that turned into a phone call where I was just extremely frustrated. She has kept in touch by text and person to help me with some of this stuff. She stopped by earlier today and brought lunch as she had a half day at work.

 

Regardless this has been a huge reminder as to what I have in her as a friend. She is really one of the select few people in my life I can really count on to be there for help and support.

 

I agree with you on her ex situation that was good advice. I plan on bringing that up with her soon, just to gauge really what is going on since last time she brought him up she was upset with over an argument they got into.

 

Sometimes I absolutely love having her as a best friend always there for me and other times the strong feelings for her overwhelm me. I go back in forth. Does this even make sense to feel like this? Never thought I would hit a stage in my life where I would be in a situation like this!

 

While I can't completely understand your feelings, from my situation I had, I can understand some of what you are going through. I would imagine you think about her alot, obviously you are talking to or hanging out with her alot and your feelings for her just make you want more.

 

There isn't much you can do unless you want to get risky and tell her how you feel. The other options are what I said earlier about finding out what the real deal is with her seeing her ex, and proceed based on that.

 

Don't wait around for her if you don't feel the time is right, or her connection with her ex bf is still strong and they are really seriously dating. You need to go back to dating if that is the case, even if it is really hard. I know you said in your initial post you did not too long ago come out of a break up, its important to move forward to shake some of that off too!

 

With my situation I mentioned, I really enjoyed hanging out and talking to this girl. She became one of my closest friends that year in college. She would talk to be about anything, call be best friend, even say "let's have a best friend dinner date" and things of that nature. It got to a point where my mind was wondering during classes and I couldn't wait to hang out with her or talk to her again.

 

Over the summer, she left to go back home. That was actually when I started to date someone. My mind though was still on her though. If she called or texted me, I would stop whatever I was doing to respond to her. I remember once we were out on a dinner date, and she called me. I actually left dinner to go outside and talk to her for 10 minutes and then came back and told my gf another friend of mine was having an issue and I had to help him.

 

I would think about her alot, I would text her daily, etc. It wasn't healthy and despite their issues she was still into her bf and I was "friendzoned" but I didn't know it at the time.

 

I don't remember what exactly made me move on but I eventually just finally got myself to accept it wasn't going to happen and I really pushed into dating heavily. I eventually did meet someone that would completely get my mind off of her. We remained friends throughout the rest of college, she moved but we kept in touch after college. Slowly our contact with each other dwindled. Every few months we still will talk.

 

Hope this helps! Sorry you are going through this but definitely stay strong!

Edited June 14, 2015 by Thejerrybest

[Jeff28]

Hey your situation is just like mine! I read through all your posts.....how are things now?

 

All I can say is I am in a similar scenario.....it really sucks. Also you are right....now that I think about it I have been single for about 7 months & I started to fall in love with my best friend 3 months ago. I wasn't that bad initially but I really have fallen for her now.

 

I think at least in my case I have a good idea its not mutual right now......she wants me as her BFF. Not sure if this is the case but she always is texting me & when she has free I am usually the first option to hang out. Its hard to be constantly talking to or with someone I feel I can't say how I feel about her. Its almost crushing at times. Do you feel this way? I have no advice for you because I can't figure out how to solve my situation....all I can do it relate to your pain.