Ex had sex with someone else while broken up for a month and wants me back?

[runredlights]

Would you take back an ex after they screwed someone else?

 

My ex came over to drop off some of my stuff and ended up groveling and begging for me to take her back after she had broken up with me completely out of the blue one month prior, but I said no.

 

She THEN admitted to me that she ****ed a guy not even TWO WEEKS after she ended our 3 year relationship. She said she was "blackout drunk and barely remembered it; lonely (horny)". I was mortified when she told me.

 

In her defense she was A) single and owed me nothing B) had the balls to tell me about it instead of omitting the truth, or at least part of the truth.

 

From my view point of view Im A) feel betrayed and added insult to injury. I was literally in shambles during that month trying to pick myself back up and she's out riding other guys. B) I have to wonder if she'd be capable of breaking up with me again and having to go through the torment all over again.

 

 

I imagine everyone deals with grief differently, but this is beyond feeling butt hurt. The fact that she's capable of leaving without any warning signs is a huge red flag all on top of cake eating. I'm having a hard time understanding how if someone truly had still loved me and cared about me could be capable of leaving, instantly screwing other people, and then trying to come back with their tail between their legs. I think my reasons for not taking her back are justified, but I'm sure i'll get some attorneys here telling me "she was single!".

 

It feels great to tell her off and am confident in my decision to say no. Whose been down this path before LS?

[minime13]

Would you take back an ex after they screwed someone else?

 

My ex came over to drop off some of my stuff and ended up groveling and begging for me to take her back after she had broken up with me completely out of the blue one month prior, but I said no.

 

She THEN admitted to me that she ****ed a guy not even TWO WEEKS after she ended our 3 year relationship. She said she was "blackout drunk and barely remembered it; lonely (horny)". I was mortified when she told me.

 

In her defense she was A) single and owed me nothing B) had the balls to tell me about it instead of omitting the truth, or at least part of the truth.

 

From my view point of view Im A) feel betrayed and added insult to injury. I was literally in shambles during that month trying to pick myself back up and she's out riding other guys. B) I have to wonder if she'd be capable of breaking up with me again and having to go through the torment all over again.

 

 

I imagine everyone deals with grief differently, but this is beyond feeling butt hurt. The fact that she's capable of leaving without any warning signs is a huge red flag all on top of cake eating. I'm having a hard time understanding how if someone truly had still loved me and cared about me could be capable of leaving, instantly screwing other people, and then trying to come back with their tail between their legs. I think my reasons for not taking her back are justified, but I'm sure i'll get some attorneys here telling me "she was single!".

 

It feels great to tell her off and am confident in my decision to say no. Whose been down this path before LS?

 

Been there. My first serious relationship was kind of on and off for a couple of years. We broke up because he was moving to another city almost 2 hours away, and we didn't think it would work. Out of the blue, he comes back into town, and tells me he wants to try to make it work. We date for 6 months, and then he moves back. Four our five months later, his attitude suddenly changes and he breaks it off. I was confused and hurt, but had finally gotten to where I was not going to try to win him back. I went on with my life and kept myself busy with friends, work, and school.

 

A little over a month later, he calls and unloads on me. He made a huge mistake, he can't live without me, he wanted us back together and really wanted to make an honest go of it this time. I accepted, and we got back together. Things seemed awesome at that point. It was like a new beginning, with a new guy that I just clicked with. We ended up moving in together within a month and things seemed great.

 

Until I was cleaning house and came across a phone number with a woman's name written on it. I got nervous, and asked him about it. He confessed that, during out last break, he hooked up with this woman, several times, and the first time being about a week after we had broken up. In fact, they had plans to meet up the day after we got back together, but he canceled and broke it off with her...after we got back together.

 

I was devastated. I wish I had known this before we got back together. I probably wouldn't have done it, because it felt like a betrayal - like he broke up with me to get out and have another fling before settling down. Granted, we broke up. He had no obligations toward me during that time. I do understand this, but it still didn't take the feeling away that he jeopardized what we had because he just wanted to get something out of his system.

 

We worked it out eventually, so I thought, and kept trying to build the relationship. We were together for another couple of years. We got engaged, and were working on and planning for a future together. But, I couldn't ever really get over that fling while we had broken up. I felt like he had cheated on me, even though he technically had not. It wasn't even so much about the fact that he was involved with someone while we weren't together, it was the time span.

 

Like you, it had only been about a month, and it was pretty quick to jump into bed with someone so soon after breaking up. We tried to work it out, but I never trusted any new friendships with women that he made. Obviously, it didn't work out, and that was certainly one of the reasons why. So, I can understand the hurt because of the timing involved.

 

I give her credit for laying it all out there so you could make the best decision. You needed to know all that in order to make a decision (because it would have come out eventually, and it would have stung more). If you can't see that as something acceptable - and it's fine not to - then you made the best decision of not getting back together.

[anika99]

What reason did she give you for breaking up with you in the first place?

 

 

Dumping you out of the blue and then crying to come back a month later is almost more concerning then what she was doing during the break up.

 

 

Makes me wonder if she broke up with you for the sole purpose of screwing this other guy.

[OdysseusCA]

You made the right call not taking her back, because if it is going to bug you every day, it's not right for you or her. I know--I took mine back after she was with someone else, and it just nags at me. Not fair for me or to her. Just a little too much baggage.

[SoThatHappened]

Personally I'd just cut ties.

 

No reason to drag that issue into reconciliation. You'll likely not trust her and you will be on your guard all the time. Been there myself and it sucked. You turn out focusing on her all the time instead of trusting her when you're not together.

 

Your ex didn't do anything "wrong", but after getting my heart ripped out by a promiscuous woman, I have a pretty thick guard up.

 

Too many women on this planet to deal with one who hurt you, screwed others immediately, and then wants you back right away.

 

Right now, doesn't seem like a good foundation on which to build a relationship.

[runredlights]

Been there. My first serious relationship was kind of on and off for a couple of years. We broke up because he was moving to another city almost 2 hours away, and we didn't think it would work. Out of the blue, he comes back into town, and tells me he wants to try to make it work. We date for 6 months, and then he moves back. Four our five months later, his attitude suddenly changes and he breaks it off. I was confused and hurt, but had finally gotten to where I was not going to try to win him back. I went on with my life and kept myself busy with friends, work, and school.

 

A little over a month later, he calls and unloads on me. He made a huge mistake, he can't live without me, he wanted us back together and really wanted to make an honest go of it this time. I accepted, and we got back together. Things seemed awesome at that point. It was like a new beginning, with a new guy that I just clicked with. We ended up moving in together within a month and things seemed great.

 

Until I was cleaning house and came across a phone number with a woman's name written on it. I got nervous, and asked him about it. He confessed that, during out last break, he hooked up with this woman, several times, and the first time being about a week after we had broken up. In fact, they had plans to meet up the day after we got back together, but he canceled and broke it off with her...after we got back together.

 

I was devastated. I wish I had known this before we got back together. I probably wouldn't have done it, because it felt like a betrayal - like he broke up with me to get out and have another fling before settling down. Granted, we broke up. He had no obligations toward me during that time. I do understand this, but it still didn't take the feeling away that he jeopardized what we had because he just wanted to get something out of his system.

 

We worked it out eventually, so I thought, and kept trying to build the relationship. We were together for another couple of years. We got engaged, and were working on and planning for a future together. But, I couldn't ever really get over that fling while we had broken up. I felt like he had cheated on me, even though he technically had not. It wasn't even so much about the fact that he was involved with someone while we weren't together, it was the time span.

 

Like you, it had only been about a month, and it was pretty quick to jump into bed with someone so soon after breaking up. We tried to work it out, but I never trusted any new friendships with women that he made. Obviously, it didn't work out, and that was certainly one of the reasons why. So, I can understand the hurt because of the timing involved.

 

I give her credit for laying it all out there so you could make the best decision. You needed to know all that in order to make a decision (because it would have come out eventually, and it would have stung more). If you can't see that as something acceptable - and it's fine not to - then you made the best decision of not getting back together.

 

I image you were appalled when you found out. I'm so sorry. Most of these kind of stories I see here seem to be mostly guys so it's nice to have a story from a female perspective so thanks minime. I'm not trying to blanket your gender, but it seems like females have an easier time disguising their intentions. You know those stories we've all heard about a girl who got out of a speeding ticket because she started crying and claimed she was being followed? That's how I feel about my ex when she's trying to tell me ohh I was drunk, lonely, I didn't mean to go that far, I don't remember etc.

When in reality she was probably sucking on his fingers and biting her lip while bent over taking it from some other dude. I just don't buy it, nor do I have any reason to trust her ever again.

 

With your ex being a male, you know he couldn't sugar coat it with that kind of bs. He's a man. And got intimate with that other girl multiple times just like he did with you and that's the unfortunate gory truth.

[runredlights]

What reason did she give you for breaking up with you in the first place?

 

 

Dumping you out of the blue and then crying to come back a month later is almost more concerning then what she was doing during the break up.

 

 

Makes me wonder if she broke up with you for the sole purpose of screwing this other guy.

 

She got blackout drunk and made out with another guy. She told me about it, but she had sort of this exit affair epiphany where she realized that if she were capable of doing that then she had to end things. So I was cheated on, then dumped within a few days.

 

Prior to this ( and I know I'm biased, couldn't see the forest through the tress) she was the most innocent and respectable girl I had ever known. Transformed into something I'm scared of and don't even recognize anymore.

[d0nnivain]

generally I don't take EXs back so what they did while we were apart has no bearing.

 

Here your EX seems to be somewhat transparent.

 

She made a mistake -- getting blacked out drunk & she tried to remedy it by saving you the trouble of having to dump her. She wanted (as evidenced by the the drunk make out & the other guy) some "strange" if you will and she got it. Having been as you described her "innocent' before that I think she was curious & didn't want to go into a LTR / possible marriage without having experienced something of the world.

 

While her methodologies weren't ideal if she was sincere about being mistaken & she genuinely wanted to come back I might be able to work through that. If you can't, you can't. Don't try then hold it against her forever.

 

Otherwise to me she seems forthright, owned up to her mistake, offered disclosure & seems remorseful. It's really up to you. However if she strays again, it's over. Also you can't be tempted to even the score.

 

But since you now characterize her as "something I'm scared of and don't even recognize anymore" I don't think you have it in you to forgive & forget. So I suggest you not even try.

[runredlights]

generally I don't take EXs back so what they did while we were apart has no bearing.

 

Here your EX seems to be somewhat transparent.

 

She made a mistake -- getting blacked out drunk & she tried to remedy it by saving you the trouble of having to dump her. She wanted (as evidenced by the the drunk make out & the other guy) some "strange" if you will and she got it. Having been as you described her "innocent' before that I think she was curious & didn't want to go into a LTR / possible marriage without having experienced something of the world.

 

While her methodologies weren't ideal if she was sincere about being mistaken & she genuinely wanted to come back I might be able to work through that. If you can't, you can't. Don't try then hold it against her forever.

 

Otherwise to me she seems forthright, owned up to her mistake, offered disclosure & seems remorseful. It's really up to you. However if she strays again, it's over. Also you can't be tempted to even the score.

 

But since you now characterize her as "something I'm scared of and don't even recognize anymore" I don't think you have it in you to forgive & forget. So I suggest you not even try.

 

Experiencing what? How much personal growth could a person have gone through in only a months time. If you're referring to sex then all I'm doing is conceding into giving her a hall pass.

 

I'm not trying to be rude. Your advice is concise and rational on paper and is essentially the version of what she told me. I can't trust her though. I also don't think anyone in a situation like myself has some sort of character flaw for not being able to overcome it. You suggest that if she strays again it'd be over. Absolutely it would be my friend! But why risk it when she's shown me what she's capable of?

[aloneinaz]

It seems more common than not that people end a relationship then screw someone new within the first weeks single. It's always suspicious that the person they screwed was already there in the background waiting.

 

 

My last crazy ex broke up w/me a couple of times and I stupidly took her back. Guess what, each reconciliation period was shorter than the one before it. As such, I'm strongly against any reconciliations. Once someone ends a relationship, it should stay this way.

 

 

Yes, her screwing someone so fast is pretty lame, but many men and women do it right after a break up. I wouldn't hold that against her in your thought of reconciliation since you were in fact broken up.

 

 

People don't change. There was a reason she ended it the first time and strayed while you were still together. Something was missing for her the first time and will still be missing after resuming the relationship.

 

 

I'd tell her to pack sand and let her continue to seek whatever it is she seeks. In the meantime, I'd focus my energy on finding her replacement who hopefully has some character and class.

[minime13]

I image you were appalled when you found out. I'm so sorry. Most of these kind of stories I see here seem to be mostly guys so it's nice to have a story from a female perspective so thanks minime. I'm not trying to blanket your gender, but it seems like females have an easier time disguising their intentions. You know those stories we've all heard about a girl who got out of a speeding ticket because she started crying and claimed she was being followed? That's how I feel about my ex when she's trying to tell me ohh I was drunk, lonely, I didn't mean to go that far, I don't remember etc.

When in reality she was probably sucking on his fingers and biting her lip while bent over taking it from some other dude. I just don't buy it, nor do I have any reason to trust her ever again.

 

With your ex being a male, you know he couldn't sugar coat it with that kind of bs. He's a man. And got intimate with that other girl multiple times just like he did with you and that's the unfortunate gory truth.

 

It was horrible to find out, and there was no sugar coating. For you - go with your gut. The way you feel about it now will only intensify, because you know it wasn't just as simple as a random one-night stand.

[d0nnivain]

Experiencing what? How much personal growth could a person have gone through in only a months time. If you're referring to sex then all I'm doing is conceding into giving her a hall pass.

 

I'm not trying to be rude. Your advice is concise and rational on paper and is essentially the version of what she told me. I can't trust her though. I also don't think anyone in a situation like myself has some sort of character flaw for not being able to overcome it. You suggest that if she strays again it'd be over. Absolutely it would be my friend! But why risk it when she's shown me what she's capable of?

 

There's nothing for you to risk. You are too angry & upset by what transpired to ever forgive her & move past this. Don't even try. You already made up your mind that she's a worthless slut so I'm not sure what your question is.

 

If you don't want to take her back, don't. All I'm saying is I genuinely think she's sorry. You don't. You know her. I don't. I'm some random person on the internet. I also never said or suggested you had a character flaw. I just pointed out that you are not a forgiving person.

 

What I think she's capable of is a being a person who can learn from her mistakes. You are choosing to condemn her for that mistake & that's your choice. But understand she didn't lie you to. I never said she experienced personal growth. I said she made a drunken mistake (& btw the mistake was getting that drunk). In the aftermath her behavior in accepting what she did and accepting consequences shows sober integrity even in the face of a drunk slip. Then while reeling from the break up she experienced sex with another man. Again she told you about it which continues to show integrity. If you have a moral disagreement with her choice, that's your prerogative but it doesn't make her the worst person in the world.

 

If you don't chose to let her win back your trust, that's just fine. However, be clear when you say no thank you. Then move on & let her do the same.

[runredlights]

I think that deamonizing her is a way for me to protect myself so I'll grant you that. Worthless slut.. Really? Is my text bleeding that much disdain for her? Wouldn't YOU be a little peeved if you were in my shoes.

 

The foundation of any relationship is honesty. That's at 0% now ok. I don't think her telling me she ****ed some other guy after cheating and leaving me is the pinnacle of integrity. She told me and I would have probably found out anyway and is something that people should be forthright with when coming back. Like hmmm so what have you been up to for a month? Building character...

[anika99]

She got blackout drunk and made out with another guy. She told me about it, but she had sort of this exit affair epiphany where she realized that if she were capable of doing that then she had to end things. So I was cheated on, then dumped within a few days.

 

Prior to this ( and I know I'm biased, couldn't see the forest through the tress) she was the most innocent and respectable girl I had ever known. Transformed into something I'm scared of and don't even recognize anymore.

 

 

Here's my theory. She was starting something with that guy before she broke up with you. It wasn't a one time drunken make out. Guy probably spent a few weeks or even a few months sweet talking her and putting the moves on her. Her little heart was going pitter patter and she dumped you to go off in the sunset with her Romeo, her prince charming. But prince charming just wanted to hit it and quit it. He likely banged her a few times and then told her to get lost. She realized she got had and now she's hoping she play you for the fool the same way she got played.

 

 

I wouldn't take her back and I wouldn't fall for her fake remorse. She dumped you because she thought she was going to get something better. If you take her back she is still going to keep her eye out for the next best thing.

[Lizrd3000]

I would never take an ex back after she's had sex with someone during a breakup. I don't care if we weren't together, because if she wants me back after she's had sex, that'd tell me she just wanted a break to f*ck this other dude, and still have her cake with me.

 

Even if it wasn't the case, I rather have someone as my partner that doesn't f*ck around. Obviously your ex is someone who f*cks around.

[anika99]

There's nothing for you to risk. You are too angry & upset by what transpired to ever forgive her & move past this. Don't even try. You already made up your mind that she's a worthless slut so I'm not sure what your question is.

 

If you don't want to take her back, don't. All I'm saying is I genuinely think she's sorry. You don't. You know her. I don't. I'm some random person on the internet. I also never said or suggested you had a character flaw. I just pointed out that you are not a forgiving person.

 

 

I don't think calling him unforgiving is fair. The girl cheated on him, dumped him, screwed another guy and then came back all within a month. Of course he is hurt and distrustful of her. Forgiveness doesn't happen overnight. It takes time. When someone rips your heart out of your chest, throws it on the ground and stomps on it I think it's pretty normal and actually healthy to exercise extreme caution with that person going forward.

 

What I think she's capable of is a being a person who can learn from her mistakes. You are choosing to condemn her for that mistake & that's your choice. But understand she didn't lie you to. I never said she experienced personal growth. I said she made a drunken mistake (& btw the mistake was getting that drunk). In the aftermath her behavior in accepting what she did and accepting consequences shows sober integrity even in the face of a drunk slip. Then while reeling from the break up she experienced sex with another man. Again she told you about it which continues to show integrity. If you have a moral disagreement with her choice, that's your prerogative but it doesn't make her the worst person in the world.

 

 

Exactly how has she shown that she has learned anything. According to her story she had a blackout drunken make out with some random dude. Then she dumped her boyfriend and then not even 2 weeks later she AGAIN had drunken sex with some random guy. And now suddenly she is all better? I don't see anywhere it the OP post where his gf outlined exactly what steps she is going to take to address her issues and her drinking. I don't see where she takes full responsibility for her actions and shows true remorse for the pain she caused the OP. I see her making excuses and rug sweeping.

 

If you don't chose to let her win back your trust, that's just fine. However, be clear when you say no thank you. Then move on & let her do the same.

 

 

OP I don't believe you are unforgiving person. I believe that you have the wisdom to know when things don't add up and you are being played. Showing integrity is not getting black out drunk and messing around with other guys when you have a bf. It's not getting black out drunk and messing around with numerous guys and then reluctantly admitting to it later on when she wants to come back to you. Anyone can do that. I have an ex who used to think he could use "being honest" as some sort of get out of jail free card. He would do something behind my back and then admit it to me and expect some sort of reward just for confessing. Haha..I don't think so. Integrity runs a lot deeper than that. And I dont' think she's even told you everything. I think she's only admitted to as much as she thinks she has to admit to. You are right to be distrustful and that doesn't make you an unforgiving person.

[mystikmind2005]

My intuition tells me this type of flipflop girl won't be happy in anything other than an 'open' relationship where she can indulge her flipflop emotions as much as she likes but still have a solid foundation of love.

[m.snow]

GIVE HER A CHANCE DAMMIT! i know its painful but give her a chance.

 

1.) she had the curtesy to break-up with before seeing another person.

 

2.) she told you immediately she did it with someone else.

 

most women would have just cheated and not tell about it.

 

just give her another chance.

 

and if NOT just "PLAY HER" you aren't losing anything are you? you'd still get laid? and they say women seeking for forgiveness give the best sex!

look for someone else. let her be there to keep you company while you look.

 

in that time frame she may change her ways and be more loyal. knowing now that other men that sweet talk her would just kick her to the curb.

Edited June 10, 2015 by m.snow

[foolinlove79]

It depends on you really. My ex did the same a week after we broke up. When we got back together i was happy. After a while i started thinking about it and it really bothered me that just one week after he did that. It was part of the reason we had problems the next time and broke up again.