Tripping balls.

[RogerWallace111]

Just wanted to put it out there- I'm tripping the f*ck out over not being with my ex. As bad or worse than ever after 2.5 weeks. She was a longtime friend who became my lover and best friend for a year, and adored me in a way I didn't at first know I could reciprocate. But it quickly turned into probably the most beautiful f*cking time of my life and I adored her too. We moved away to escape our respective restless feelings with the place we lived and **** got dark after a few months. Though the move and it's hurdles brought us even closer together prior to that. Over a week and a half the clashing of her night time restaurant work and it's social opportunities vs my solitary daytime freelance work, led to multiple brutal fights. I started packing my stuff to leave in a bluff, and when I tried to stay she wouldn't let me.

 

She had her part in creating situations most wouldn't be cool with, and said her share of terrible things in response to mine, but I'm now cursing myself for being more or less verbally abusive when I felt vulnerable.

 

My feelings are turbulent to say the least. One moment I think of certain disrespectful things she did or said and think "yeah I don't need that sh*t", but it always comes back to the gut wrenching reality that what she did was never an attack on me the way my scathing responses were. And that her harsh words were always in response to mine. A relatively wise friend of mine told us before moving, as he knew it could create hardship for a couple, "just be cool to eachother". If only either of us had thought of that advice in the heat of the moment.

 

If I could collapse and stay in bed for a couple weeks I would but instead my anxious energy has me writhing with no outlet. I've been spending time with friends and find short spells of peace but it always comes back to this nightmarish sh*t. I've employed no contact in past break ups and it might help slightly but we've been meagerly corresponding about 1) unfinished stuff involving our living situation and 2) her father who was diagnosed with cancer the day I left. Even if she had totally done me wrong it wouldn't feel right to be silent through that. Plus, admittedly, she verbally expressed an openness to the possibility of reconciliation in the indefinite future and for me to not only physically leave her there but not respond to her communication would undoubtedly leave her feeling more abandoned than she already expresses she does.

 

I know that all that can be done now is to get to work on kicking ass for myself. And if that realistically very slim chance of future reunion, with both of us single and not fully moved on, is what can motivate me, I will let it. But at the moment the bleakness is overpowering. I've been brief and kept it "dignified" via text but when I mill over thoughts of how she currently feels about things, I get the urge to remind her how much I miss her. I told her during the downfall, but have kept appearances, since I actually left a week ago, that I am simply moving forward though I care about her. Probably best in the long run. Though with the nature of the break up, her loving words to me upon leaving, and current tone of feeling bitter about my having "left" her with the family situation and the burden of the apartment, reminding her how much I care in a straightforward way might be worth the pride-swallowing.

 

I guess my goal, in full, is to allow myself to move on while somehow preserving the good will between us. Cause I'm 800 miles away, and as difficult as it is to accept, and as much as I ridiculously hope for some "just come home baby" message, it's over for all intents and purposes.

 

Feel a little bit more neutral after venting. Just that lurking tightness on the heart. Any thoughts, feedback or otherwise are appreciated.

Edited June 6, 2015 by RogerWallace111

[Yummm]

Reading your posts hurts, I feel for you man.

 

Can't really give you advice, but just ride through the pain man, it will get easier.

 

If your goal is to genuinely move on, then I recommend going full NC. This will allow you both to move on faster and perhaps maintain a relationship in the future. It's impossible at first, but does get easier. Hang in there

[aloneinaz]

Reading that made me think you've come to understand that relationship wasn't healthy and was more likely toxic. You mentioned "multiple break ups" as well. When relationships reach a stage of nastiness that you described, they are usually broken beyond repair.

 

 

Right now you simply need to accept the fact that you're going thru withdrawal from that relationship. Withdrawal of any kind is brutal but relationship withdrawal can be even tougher.

 

 

As was already mentioned, you need to go to NC for you and her to heal. Staying in connect only keeps you in perpetual withdrawal. It's like a smoker trying to quit but cheating and having one every few days.

 

 

You can get through this. Just make sure to keep yourself busy.