Guest99 Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Hi there. I am a 29 year old male, and have been in a good relationship with my current girlfriend for 6 months. I have a 3 year old son from a previous marriage, and an ex whom I despise. My girlfriend obviously knows about my son and my ex, but she doesnt know we were married! We have talked a little about our future and marriage, and although she has not asked me directly if we were married, I think I have basically given the idea that I have never been married. Now I have no idea how to tell her - I know I have to, as if we were ever to be married I need to declare it. But I fear that if i tell her we were she will be very upset as I was not upfront with her! This is a major dilemma, as I know I really do have to tell her. But I fear I may have left it too late! Any thoughts on this ... PLEASE!?! Link to post Share on other sites
meagain Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 This is something that should have been disclosed on at least the 3rd date! It just may be too late now. I know that if you told me, I would leave because I want to meet someone who has never been married before... and to hear this .. well, I would flip out. You just need to take her to dinner and just tell her, if may go really well for you, may not but at least you can stop the stress your putting yourself through by not telling her. Good luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Might as well just tell her and get it over with. I mean, you're gonna have to do it sooner or later. Just tell her you're sorry for not revealing it sooner, because you were afraid of what she'd think. It's not like you're married anymore, so why should that be a problem? If she's cool, she'll be alright with it. If not, well, at least you got it off your chest. Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 I was married and divorced all in the same year when I was younger. When I started dating my now wife I was reluctant to tell her too. I was afraid she would discount me in some way or think I was damaged goods. But you have to give her credit in that she picked you for a reason and has stayed as long as she has. Everyone has a past but it has made you who you are now. And the man you are now is what she is in to and wants. If you wait any longer to tell her she will feel hurt that you kept it from her and wonder what else you are keeping from her. Your best bet is to tell her now and let her know you didn't tell her sooner because you really like her and didn't want her to think badly or discount you in some way because of it. She will appreciate your willingness to go out on that limb and making yourself vulnerable to her. But trust me, you wait any longer to tell her and all she will see is that you weren't honest with her and now trust is enemy number one in your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 I wouldn't make it a big deal of it, cuz if you do, so will she. Just slip it into conversation and say how much you can't stand your exWIFE and you're so blessed to have her (the present gf)in your life. If she says anything just say, I assumed you already knew. Link to post Share on other sites
paradox Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Yep just say it casually, as if it's not a big deal..and i think it's not. Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 I agree with the previous posters. If you act like is a big deal so will she. Keep it cool. It's not something real bad you know!! Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Sorry, it is a big deal. but it's in your past and it's also private. However hiding it for 6 months is disturbing. 6 months is a lot, Guest99. Here's what I think: the longer you shut up, the more you get yourself into trouble. Tell her asap. She may not leave you because of your past, but you do risk damaging your relationship for not being straight with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 It's not a big deal, but as noted above, keeping it quiet is. If your g/f is smart, she'll see that she already knew about the real issue (that you have a child with another woman). That's the connection that endures. The fact that you were married but now are not -- who cares? Link to post Share on other sites
Skeered Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 All relationships should start out with trust..so why would you not feel that you could tell her this information right up front. I mean in the begining days of even dating someone are the times when you are finding things out about them if you are compatible to be with them. Personally if I was with someone that did this to me I would have to have some serious time to think about how much I can trust a person that couldn't tell me something this big. Yes you aren't married to her now but the fact that you were married previously I would want to know why you weren't still. Ya know what I'm saying... And me personally would think that you should discuss this with your girl in a private place so she can feel relaxed enough to ask you questions and not feel inhibited. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 Personal opinion: girls care about this type of information, even if it happened when you were 18, got drunk, went to Las Vegas and married a goat! Link to post Share on other sites
JusLilOleMe Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 I think you should also tell her WHY you didn't reveal this before. You were obviously afraid - tell her of what. I can't speak for every woman on the planet, but in general, we are nurturers, and if you present a chance for us to nurture you through a vulnerable insecurity - we will jump all over it. It'll make us feel closer to you. So be honest with her - tell her why you were worried about revealing this - in terms of YOUR insecurities - not HER reaction & see if that helps. Best of luck to you, but remember - we've all got something we give ourselves mental head-slaps for in our past. Yours is just more official than some. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 Dude, don't make it an insecurity or a time to be coddled; that's not what a man does (and, incidentally, that kind of behavior will get you kicked to the curb by 99% of the women in the world). Just explain to her the deception, plain and straight, explain why you did it, and leave it at that. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 Originally posted by JusLilOleMe I think you should also tell her WHY you didn't reveal this before. You were obviously afraid - tell her of what. I can't speak for every woman on the planet, but in general, we are nurturers, and if you present a chance for us to nurture you through a vulnerable insecurity - we will jump all over it. It'll make us feel closer to you. So be honest with her - tell her why you were worried about revealing this - in terms of YOUR insecurities - not HER reaction & see if that helps. Best of luck to you, but remember - we've all got something we give ourselves mental head-slaps for in our past. Yours is just more official than some. I agree with this post. My BF who I've been in a LDR for 7 months recently told me that he was married twice and not twice as I originally thought. He said he just forgot to tell me because it was about 15 years ago and they were married for just 14 months. Okay, but then he told me they saw each other once after we started dating and they talked on the phone sometimes. She tells him regularly that she wants to re-marry him although she lives with someone else and she is a bi-polar, manic-depressive drug addict. They got divorced, because she didn't want to pull the marijuana plant out of their back yard (or out of her mouth) and he "forgot" to tell her that he's in a relationship with me. The reason is they don't talk about personal stuff (except that she wants to marry him). Anyway I got over it, because I love him, but I'm not sure it's a good sign. We don't talk about it anymore. But the way he told me this was "did I ever tell you that I was married twice?" and it shocked me. He said he forgot to tell me and I didn't believe him. I would prefer if he told me "Ive got a confession to make; I didn't tell you that I was married twice because my first wife was a crazy drug addict and I was ashamed and thought you might be turned off if I told you about it...so it went on and on until I realized it's too late... now I apologize and regret I didn't tell you before. Our relationship was not so serious at the beginning after all." Link to post Share on other sites
babybear Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 Originally posted by Cecelius It's not a big deal, but as noted above, keeping it quiet is. If your g/f is smart, she'll see that she already knew about the real issue (that you have a child with another woman). That's the connection that endures. The fact that you were married but now are not -- who cares? I agree 100%. The child would be the harder part for her to deal with than the previous marriage. If she has happily accepted that fact, I don't think the marriage will be a deal breaker. The lie, however - she could be upset for being intentionally misled. So, the sooner the better. It will probably work out fine. Babybear Link to post Share on other sites
Guest99 Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 OK, so I told her, and she has now said I have broken her heart. Where should I go from here? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 Do everything you can to make it up to her! DO you love her? Want this woman to be in your life forever?? Well, GO after her and explain why you did what you did. Be honest, speak from the heart and tell her how much you love her!!!! Get to marriage counsilling, or some couples therapy together. WORK together to make it OK again. You probably will have to do most of the leg work as right now her trust in you is shattered. I'm sure she feels and doesn't understand why you couldn't tell her the truth right away, why wait so long etc. So, explain yourself to her, tell her your fears and insecurities! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts