A man that "waits" for a woman to be alone to approach

[LookAtThisPOst]

I couldn't really phrase this right, however...I was told by another woman, that a man shouldn't wait for a woman to be alone in a social situation to talk to her.

 

Let's say there's people out on the dance floor and such. And a woman goes to sit down and take a break from dancing...a man approaches and introduces himself...apparently, this is seen as predatory in nature.

 

That waiting until a woman is "off to the side" is seen as predatory in nature and can be quite off putting.

 

I do not know if this has been discussed on this board, and not sure if this can be seen as equivalent to a nightclub venue, but more of an intimate venue, but basically attempting to "snag" a conversation with a woman while she's alone in a social setting is a bad idea? Yes?

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I don't think it's predatory at all. I have had this happen to me several times and never have thought that.

 

It's intimidating for a lot of men to approach a group of women.

[aloneinaz]

I don't think it's predatory at all. I have had this happen to me several times and never have thought that.

 

It's intimidating for a lot of men to approach a group of women.

 

This ^^^

 

 

I think a LOT of guys do not feel comfortable approaching a group of women to say hello or ask her to dance and then risk getting flamed in front of the group.

 

 

I'm not sure why it would be viewed as "predatory"?

[LookAtThisPOst]

This ^^^

 

 

I think a LOT of guys do not feel comfortable approaching a group of women to say hello or ask her to dance and then risk getting flamed in front of the group.

 

 

I'm not sure why it would be viewed as "predatory"?

 

Perhaps it has something to do with the predator waiting for someone to scamper away from the herd?

[aloneinaz]

Perhaps it has something to do with the predator waiting for someone to scamper away from the herd?

 

 

I can only say I've NEVER heard of this before. I've never even heard of a girl being offended by a guy approaching her when all her friends had left to dance with other guys. To me, it's normal.

[todreaminblue]

Perhaps it has something to do with the predator waiting for someone to scamper away from the herd?

 

 

i guess that would be the case if women consider themselves to be animals

 

predatory men dont care if you are in a group or not they befriend you make you think everything is ok then when they suck you in or they lay in wait fro six weeks stalking you..then they decide to be who they are./......what makes a man a predator is the intent.....thats not a guy who simply waits until you are alone to say hi..and personally and with my experience i have never thought otherwise......deb

[SammySammy]

That's not true.

 

I was out one night and saw this gorgeous girl surrounded by three guys trying to pick her up. She was being polite. Laughing off their compliments and lame lines. I'm standing there watching this spectacle and she looks past them at me. Something about the way she looked at me and locked eyes with me made me know I would be with her. I had to do something, walked away to do whatever I had to do and said to myself that I would talk to her when I went back. When I went back inside, she was sitting alone. I walked up to her and just started a normal conversation. No pick up lines. No corny jokes. No creepy compliments. Normal conversation. We spent the next five years together.

[preraph]

I think what it's about is that it's not attractive if a guy is consistently so fearful that he refuses to go up and talk to a woman unless she's alone. So for example, if you've been with a group of friends laughing and being social all night and talking to women who come up to the group as well, then no one is going to think it's weird if they happen to be standing alone when you pass by and stop and talk. But if you've been noticing this guy circling or watching from afar and then as soon as your girlfriend leaves to go the ladies' room, he moves in, that's not going to go unnoticed. It just isn't attractive to be so unsocial that you do not have the skills to enter a group and talk to people.

 

And yes, there are instincts that can kick in in certain circumstances because if someone observes what you're doing, and they will, they will recognize that you are trying to get them alone before you even know them. And that can be a bit creepy unless you have been seen being social and mingling with friends and in groups all night.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I think it's normal for a guy by himself not to want to approach a girl in a group!! But if he seems kind of sketchy she might wish she was with her group though ...

[GemmaUK]

That's not true.

 

I was out one night and saw this gorgeous girl surrounded by three guys trying to pick her up. She was being polite. Laughing off their compliments and lame lines. I'm standing there watching this spectacle and she looks past them at me. Something about the way she looked at me and locked eyes with me made me know I would be with her. I had to do something, walked away to do whatever I had to do and said to myself that I would talk to her when I went back. When I went back inside, she was sitting alone. I walked up to her and just started a normal conversation. No pick up lines. No corny jokes. No creepy compliments. Normal conversation. We spent the next five years together.

 

This is how to do it right.

MKD got affirmative signals from the lady in question and then didn't linger around but went off and then came back to say hello.

 

It's OK to approach when she is away from her friends but the important part is that she has shown interest beforehand so that you know she is happy for you to approach.

[Taramere]

I couldn't really phrase this right, however...I was told by another woman, that a man shouldn't wait for a woman to be alone in a social situation to talk to her.

 

Let's say there's people out on the dance floor and such. And a woman goes to sit down and take a break from dancing...a man approaches and introduces himself...apparently, this is seen as predatory in nature.

 

I don't see it that way at all. I remember when I was a young teen, going on a family holiday to Denmark. We took an overnight ferry, and I was determined to go to the on board disco - even if it meant going alone. I sat there at a table with my orange juice, on my own, feeling ridiculous....but not for long, as all these teenage Scandinavian boys came over one by one to invite me to dance. The general vibe I got was that these were very polite, well brought up boys who didn't want me to feel silly sitting on my own. It wouldn't have crossed my mind that they were being remotely sleazy or predatory.

 

That would generally be my thought about a man in a social setting who came over to speak to a woman on her own. Not that he's being a predator, but that he doesn't want to see anybody standing on their own looking left out of things.

[preraph]

One other thought I have about men who will only approach when you're alone is I feel like they already don't like my friends and won't want them around, and to me, that's a dealbreaker.

[Shining One]

One other thought I have about men who will only approach when you're alone is I feel like they already don't like my friends and won't want them around, and to me, that's a dealbreaker.

I imagine it's more likely they are unsure of how your friends will feel about him. When you approach a woman alone, you only have to impress her. When you approach a woman and a bunch of her friends, you have to impress all of them.

[Shining One]

OP, the wingman/woman was invented specifically for this situation. He or she distracts the friend(s) so the man can approach the woman one on one.

[misspond]

One other thought I have about men who will only approach when you're alone is I feel like they already don't like my friends and won't want them around, and to me, that's a dealbreaker.

 

I'd disagree. If someone is approaching you for the first time and they have never spoken to you before then they a) don't know you, and b) don't know your friends. They're just wary of approaching a group. At least if they've singled you out to say, "Hi!" then you know that they are attracted to you.

[preraph]

I imagine it's more likely they are unsure of how your friends will feel about him. When you approach a woman alone, you only have to impress her. When you approach a woman and a bunch of her friends, you have to impress all of them.

 

I see what you're saying, but I just don't think that's true. I mean me and one of my roommates didn't think all the same guys were hot or cool or whatever, so I never thought one needed to pass muster with me to get to her. I just thought she liked a broader spectrum.

 

I mean, if you're talking about junior high school girls or high school girls, then maybe there's a lot of cliquishness going on, I don't know, but once a woman is mature, despite what excuses guys will make for why the woman wasn't interested, it's NOT because her friend didn't like him! In fact, that could actually be a plus. At least then you don't have to worry about a friend interloping or the man hitting on your friend. I think most of the time when a guy says he got froze out by her friends, she is the one who froze him out. Her friends were just there supporting her choice. I have never had any friend trying to run off a guy from talking to me. Not even the lesbian one!

 

A friend isn't going to intervene with another friend unless they see something serious in a guy they already know, not a perfect stranger. Like a friend will certainly try to get a friend to see a red flag of the guy being abusive. But she's not got any info on a brand-new guy and isn't going to be doing that. I honestly think it's an excuse guys like to tell themselves for why they get shot down. They so badly want to believe it's not the woman herself rejecting them. And honestly, that is a bad sign, too. Because guys who view friends or family as obstacles to their relationship (in general, not like one nosy mother in law) are trying to isolate and control the woman.

[preraph]

I'd disagree. If someone is approaching you for the first time and they have never spoken to you before then they a) don't know you, and b) don't know your friends. They're just wary of approaching a group. At least if they've singled you out to say, "Hi!" then you know that they are attracted to you.

 

Yes, but WHY are they afraid of a group? There's some reason behind it. So you want to go out with a guy who is afraid of people, a guy who won't want to be around your friends?

 

I don't know. Maybe I'm too much of an "It is what it is" person, but to me a guy who is afraid of chatting to someone who is in a group is a guy who doesn't like groups of people, period. He's going to have to learn to function better than that, in my opinion. And anyway, there is absolutely no reason why a woman standing alone is any more likely to say yes than a woman standing with friends. She either will or she won't either way. It does not increase his chances of success at all.

Edited June 6, 2015 by preraph

[misspond]

Yes, but WHY are they afraid of a group? There's some reason behind it. So you want to go out with a guy who is afraid of people, a guy who won't want to be around your friends?

 

I don't know. Maybe I'm too much of an "It is what it is" person, but to me a guy who is afraid of chatting to someone who is in a group is a guy who doesn't like groups of people, period. He's going to have to learn to function better than that, in my opinion. And anyway, there is absolutely no reason why a woman standing alone is any more likely to say yes than a woman standing with friends. She either will or she won't either way. It does not increase his chances of success at all.

 

But once they are accepted by the person they are attracted to they can be introduced to the *group* and learn some new skills. I have good friends who have been coupled with men like this for over 15 years. One of them now has a partner who is happy to socialise with us all, and one has a partner who still finds it difficult. People are who they are.

[preraph]

If the person is really young, they may learn some new skills, but it's unlikely anyone over late 20s is going to change much. But of course, if there are women out there who simply don't care that the guy is that fearful or has some social problems, then that's your answer. It will only work on those women. Of course, if a woman is with some friends, she is a lot different from him socially and all I can foresee is her wanting him to go to the company Christmas party like everyone else's husbands are doing and him not wanting to ever do that and him not being comfortable when people come over for a play date with the kids. But yes, there must be some women out there who don't care, or at least don't think they do until it's too late. That's evident by this thread.

[misspond]

Both men I'm referring to were in their late 30's. It's not that my friends didn't care, more that we all work in a field that understands that people can have issues. I guess it's empathy that makes all the difference.

[ltjg45]

Yes, but WHY are they afraid of a group? There's some reason behind it. So you want to go out with a guy who is afraid of people, a guy who won't want to be around your friends?

 

To me, when I am willing to approach, I am doing so with the intention of speaking to the woman herself and not the group she is with. It is not that I am afraid of groups however it does serve as one huge distraction and keeps me away from the reason why I am approaching the group to begin with.

 

Not to mention, with how most people like to talk among others and seeing it spread, it does less damage overall getting shot down by the woman while she is by herself than it is to get shot down around her friends. Typically one of them has no problem spreading the rejection and then some other women who heard of it has shot me down because of that prior rejection.

[jen1447]

I approach groups for the very reason that it's risky. Nothing says you have balls and that you're the wo/man like walking up to a group of strangers and 'taking them all on' so to speak.

[preraph]

^ But she's going to tell her girlfriends either way. I guess at least you won't be standing right there when she does. But women will nearly always tell their girlfriends everything like that. They wouldn't necessarily tell the men though.

 

My perspective on it, though, it that all you're doing is talking to the woman, not going up and just asking her, a stranger, to leave with you. And to me, there's no rejection to just going up and trying to talk to a woman. If she's not friendly back or seem interested, well, it's not like you propositioned her. She just wasn't particularly interested like you hoped she might be, so now you know for sure you're not a match and can just move on. I don't really call that rejection. And if she is chatty, then there's no reason to be trying to hide that.

 

I hate to see both men and women put the blame on themselves when someone simply isn't interested. Because it could be for any number of reasons, including the person just doesn't have romance on the brain this month because they're prioritizing something else. It could be they are still in love with someone else and can't focus on a new man. It could be totally shallow things like she only likes guys with long hair or only likes guys with no facial hair or chest hair. It could be because she only likes blondes or only likes scruffy alternative looking guys or only likes guys interested in a certain kind of music. I mean, everyone is different what they like, so it's just bad to get too invested in someone you have only looked at because you don't know anything about what they like and you shouldn't take it personally if what they like isn't your type.

 

But again, this is why it's better to talk to lots of people because that's how you network and find more prospects.

 

A friend of mine had a hard time with women. He did all this obsessive overthinking and was never direct and he didn't really have looks on his side. He had brains and a good job. He'd focus on some girl he didn't know and just keep watching her and circling her and eventually maybe talk to her if she had a retail job, but that was the only way. He definitely got a little creeper because I saw his Nightvision binoculars. But I mean, basically, he's a good guy. I still know him, but he had real issues with obsession and fearfulness. He finally met his present wife, but she had to practically hit him over the head to get his attention.

 

He liked to dance and was confident about his dancing abilities, so he was out doing that and was totally focused on this one woman he'd seen there before and was blind to all the other women. Well, one of the women in the group decided she liked his looks and asked him to dance. And still all he could focus on was the other one. I mean, finally, this woman just more or less got in his face and said, HEY! Me, me, me, and snapped him out of it. And the rest is history.

 

The moral of the story is to try not to just be so focused on one woman you don't even know anything about and miss some real opportunities. If you go talk to a group, the one you like, which let's face it is probably the one that always gets hits on of the group, may not be interested, but maybe another one is. Or maybe another girl will walk up and join the group. I mean, it's really just about trying to be open.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I hate to see both men and women put the blame on themselves when someone simply isn't interested.

 

Exactly, and there's people on here (one I know specifically) that's obsessed with her own unique and idiotic idea that if she didn't "give any signals" to approach, that they are faulted TO be approaching if she didn't give a "come hither" look or "batted her eyelashes" in the direction of the man.

 

It's like "Hey, he gave it a shot." It's what single men do, it's natural.

[GemmaUK]

Exactly, and there's people on here (one I know specifically) that's obsessed with her own unique and idiotic idea that if she didn't "give any signals" to approach, that they are faulted TO be approaching if she didn't give a "come hither" look or "batted her eyelashes" in the direction of the man.

 

It's like "Hey, he gave it a shot." It's what single men do, it's natural.

 

 

Lol! I must be the one with the 'her own unique and idiotic idea'.

 

Check out the Cold Approaches thread in Dating and you'll see that eye contact before an approach counts for women.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/532019-cold-approaches

 

 

There's several guys on here too who have posted about it this week too in various other threads in the Dating section and one in your thread here. The guys posting about it are those who have more success in getting dates.

 

Eye contact and smiling before an approach helps gauge interest so the chance of the resultant approach working in a person's favour increases.

 

If you have great success with total cold approaches then absolutely stick with it LATP.