New here and my story

[lftbehind]

Hi Everybody, This is my first post. I tried to post my whole story twice, but was unable to. I have been reading here a while and these posts have really helped me cope. Thank you! I am a OW in a M with a verbally abusive and alcoholic H. He is not always like that, but he killed my feelings for him. I don't make much money, so I can't move out yet. I had a a 5 month affair with a MM and I had feelings for him. i think that he had feelings for me, too for a while. He has 2 teenagers and didn't want to leave them, but said that he didn't want to be with his wife. He talked about getting a place together.We had almost daily contact with e-mail and met at a hotel a few times. When we were together the conversation was easy and we had strong physical attraction. It seemed like he really enjoyed being with me and he said that he did. About a month and a half ago he seemed like he was losing interest and I couldn't figure out why. I felt like maybe I wasn't good enough to keep his interest and it was painful for me.

 

Around the time that he seemed to be losing interest, he said that his wife asked him if he was having an affair. He said that he denied it and she dropped the subject. I don't know what to believe. He hardly e-mails me now and they are usually about having rough sex (he's into BDSM). He sent a lot the past few days. I know that I need to let him go, but it's hard. I don't want to see him, because I will probably give in and do something sexual. I guess I just need input, since I can't talk to anyone about it. Thank you

[GoldieLox]

Sometimes feelings for the OW just aren't enough when they are faced with losing their family. It's a kick in the gut, but you just have to accept it and move on. He probably got very scared off when his wife suspected something. Maybe he did have feelings for you, maybe he didn't? You may never know. I guess the bigger question is you and your marriage. Has your husband indicated that he would be interested in getting help? Have you communicated to him how you are feeling? I think that's a really important thing to do. If he has no interest in getting help, you may want to get yourself some individual counseling and start making a financial exit plan. Even if it has to be a bit long term, you have to start somewhere.

 

Forget about the MM. I know it sounds harsh, but he's probably not leaving. The sooner you get some clarity in this situation, the sooner you can work on yourself and figure out what you want out of your marriage.

[Arieswoman]

There are several issues here, lftbehind.

 

You say that your husband is abusive and an alchoholic and that he's killed your feelings for him. So your marriage is a sham.

 

You need to get your ducks in a row and leave now. Can you go to a friend or family member?

You also need to consult a solicitor/attorney to see what your rights are in this situation. Please don't delay.

 

No-one should stay in any relationship where there is abuse.

 

IMO your MM is just using you for his sexual pleasure. You said;-

 

He hardly e-mails me now and they are usually about having rough sex (he's into BDSM).

 

I get the feeling that that isn't what you really want. Please lose this guy and concentrate of getting out of your abusive situation.

 

Here are some sobering figures from UK, and would suspect those in USA are comparable.

 

1.4 million women suffered domestic abuse last year, ONS figures show | Society | The Guardian

 

Please stop allowing yourself to be another statistic - you are worth more than that.

 

Good luck x

[Lois_Griffin]

It sounds as though you were looking at your MM as some kind of white knight who was going to rescue you from your awful marriage.

 

He, unfortunately, was just looking at you as someone who was willing to engage in his BSDM fetish with him and he probably told you many things he didn't really mean in order to keep you participating in the sexual activities. If that meant telling you that he saw a future with you and talking about getting a place together, then that's what he'd say. Quite honestly, this wouldn't be the first time a man lied to a woman in order to keep the sex coming and it certainly wont be the last.

 

Maybe his wife is suspicious and he's curtailing the activity, or maybe he just doesn't feel the risk is worth the reward anymore because he can see you're much more emotionally invested in this affair than he is. This was about sex for him, not emotion. I think he used the excuse that his wife was suspicious to kind of put the brakes on this thing because he feels you're looking for much more than he is.

 

Of course, pig that he is, he can't help but still try to engage you in dirty talk even though he did his best to halt you in your tracks. He'd still be interested if you wanted to occasionally indulge him in a good ass whipping, but that's ALL he wants from you.

[Satu]

Other peoples men are other peoples men.

 

Neither of the men in this triangle love you.

 

Leave your husband, end it with the MM.

 

You deserve to be with someone who loves you.

 

Don't settle for less.

[Brigit]

Hi Everybody, This is my first post. I tried to post my whole story twice, but was unable to. I have been reading here a while and these posts have really helped me cope. Thank you! I am a OW in a M with a verbally abusive and alcoholic H. He is not always like that, but he killed my feelings for him. I don't make much money, so I can't move out yet. I had a a 5 month affair with a MM and I had feelings for him. i think that he had feelings for me, too for a while. He has 2 teenagers and didn't want to leave them, but said that he didn't want to be with his wife. He talked about getting a place together.We had almost daily contact with e-mail and met at a hotel a few times. When we were together the conversation was easy and we had strong physical attraction. It seemed like he really enjoyed being with me and he said that he did. About a month and a half ago he seemed like he was losing interest and I couldn't figure out why. I felt like maybe I wasn't good enough to keep his interest and it was painful for me.

 

Around the time that he seemed to be losing interest, he said that his wife asked him if he was having an affair. He said that he denied it and she dropped the subject. I don't know what to believe. He hardly e-mails me now and they are usually about having rough sex (he's into BDSM). He sent a lot the past few days. I know that I need to let him go, but it's hard. I don't want to see him, because I will probably give in and do something sexual. I guess I just need input, since I can't talk to anyone about it. Thank you

 

Due to your marriage being abusive your self-esteem is crushed. It doesn't sound like you can financially take care of yourself right now and therefore, you're a bit trapped.

 

You were looking to the OM to save you from this situation but he's not going to do so. He does find you attractive and will have sex with you if you let him but he's not going to give you the attention that he gave you at the beginning. It's not that you're not good enough to hold his attention it's that he wanted to have sex with a woman other than his wife and chose you but he was looking for something on the side not a way out of his marriage. He might have said he wanted out of his marriage but he lied.

 

Can you move in with your mother?

[Popsicle]

He doesn't like his reality but he can't leave it, just like you don't like your reality but can't leave yours. He also doesn't want to get caught and neither do you, I'm sure. I'm sure you'd back off too if your husband were questioning you. And now that things appear calmer at home he is engaging again in fantasy with you because he enjoys that. But it won't be anything more than that (fantasy). You need to accept that or end it.

[whichwayisup]

Focus on getting a good job so you can save up money and divorce your husband. Get strong enough so you can be independent and be happy on your own, seek counseling if need be to help you.

 

As for the MM, well, he has his reasons to stay married, just like you do, though it does seem his marriage isn't half as bad as he's made it out to be. People who want to divorce, do so with no excuses! He wants to keep his family intact and is enjoying having an affair on the side on his terms and time frame.

 

He isn't the 'one' for you, he's fulfilling a need that's missing in you and in your life. Distance yourself from him, detach and let him go.

[Lovebug66]

Lftbehind,

I wish I could PM you, there is a lot I'd like to share with you.

 

My H is a drug addict/alcoholic, sober over 3 years now, but the emotional and verbal abuse has never really stopped. Slowed down, yes, but it is just sitting there under the surface. I'm a SAHM, I know about not having the money to leave and feeling trapped.

 

There are so many places to get support. I would highly suggest trying AlAnon, I have found so much support and comfort there from people going thru the same things. My self esteem was in the toilet, much like I imagine yours is, and I feel like now I know who I am, what I want and that I'm worthy of so much good and that I am a good person. I made the decision to leave my H about a month ago. I contacted the domestic violence center in town and they set me up with legal aid and a lawyer at no cost who has extensive knowledge about DV and substance abuse since those things go hand in hand many times. He has just been great. None of this stuff was easy to do, not at all, but if you want out, you can do it.

 

Before I saw the lawyer, I had a million fears, and most of them have proved not as huge as I thought. To leave I thought I needed a job, a place to live, huge sums of money saved away and of course I had to do that all by myself and have a concrete plan. Not true. There are numerous programs that can get you into housing, education, job placement, etc. I completely underestimated how much assets and child support I was entitled to since we don't seem to have much money. All kinds of stuff. One of the best pieces of advice I have gotten was to just see a lawyer so I am dealing with the reality of the situation instead of my fears, then I can reassess knowing the facts.

 

Your MM doesn't sound like he is in this for the long haul or like you can rely on him for anything. You don't need him anyway. You are strong enough on your own to go out and get the life you want. You may not know that yet, but you are. I'm not proud of the fact that I am in an EA, and I know how comforting that person can be. Granted, he's single and I don't have quite the same dynamics you do, but there is still no guarantee he will be around for me even one day more. I'm doing what is best for me, and that is my hope for you too, that you will do what's best for you. Big hugs to you ❤

[lftbehind]

Thank you everybody for your replies. I just got back online and I'm trying to figure out how to answer each reply as this is my first post. My feelings for my husband have been gone for a few years. We have been married for 8 years. Last fight was about 2 months ago and he had called me a derogatory name and I told him that it was hard to get over He said "F u over and over and that he was going to divorce me." I talked about this some and was getting some emotional support from MM. How do I answer each reply individually? Thanks lftbehind

[Babs22]

LoveBug66 gives excellent advice. I would follow it. Start by joining an AlAnon group. You do need to get out of your abusive relationship with your H. I am sorry about your A with the MM. I am also married and in an A with a MM. It has taken me some time to get to the realization that even though MM cares for me, he won't be leaving his M (and he doesn't have kids to use as an excuse). You have enough problems without the unavailable MM who seems to need you for sex. You deserve better than that. Make the break now before your feelings for him grow even stronger. Focus on you and doing what you can to change your situation. Follow what LoveBug66 has suggested.

[Babs22]

Thank you everybody for your replies. I just got back online and I'm trying to figure out how to answer each reply as this is my first post. My feelings for my husband have been gone for a few years. We have been married for 8 years. Last fight was about 2 months ago and he had called me a derogatory name and I told him that it was hard to get over He said "F u over and over and that he was going to divorce me." I talked about this some and was getting some emotional support from MM. How do I answer each reply individually? Thanks lftbehind

 

lftbehind, to reply to each individual, you could hit the quote button under their reply. That will put their reply to you in the message box and then you can reply to that persons comments. Hope this helps.

[lftbehind]

Thanks babs, I'll try that!

[lftbehind]

Sometimes feelings for the OW just aren't enough when they are faced with losing their family. It's a kick in the gut, but you just have to accept it and move on. He probably got very scared off when his wife suspected something. Maybe he did have feelings for you, maybe he didn't? You may never know. I guess the bigger question is you and your marriage. Has your husband indicated that he would be interested in getting help? Have you communicated to him how you are feeling? I think that's a really important thing to do. If he has no interest in getting help, you may want to get yourself some individual counseling and start making a financial exit plan. Even if it has to be a bit long term, you have to start somewhere.

 

Forget about the MM. I know it sounds harsh, but he's probably not leaving. The sooner you get some clarity in this situation, the sooner you can work on yourself and figure out what you want out of your marriage.

 

Hi Goldie,

I have told my H how I feel lonely a lot and I don't feel secure in our relationship and I don't know if I ever will again after all that's happened. We've been married almost 9 years and at first it was romantic. In our fights, he basically would cut me down and curse at me. I never resorted to doing the same to him, because it's not me. I am a shy person, also and was a housewife for 5 years. I did pursue some job ideas, but they didn't pan out. Over the years this situation has really hurt my self esteem and I've been lonely. I don't think that I can get my feelings back for my H. Has anyone been in that situation and recovered their feelings for their husband? I have been in IC before, because I've had abuse from other men that I've been involved with. My second husband was physically abusive. For some reason, I think men see me as a victim, because of my personality maybe. I didn't think that IC helped me, as my depression seemed to be situational and I've never made much money to afford a very good life. I have a daughter that is 30 and married. I am trying to pay off some debt, but it is going to take some time and I get so upset living like this.

 

I think you are right about MM. By getting breadcrumbs, I feel like I'm not forgotten and I know that's pathetic.

[lftbehind]

There are several issues here, lftbehind.

 

You say that your husband is abusive and an alchoholic and that he's killed your feelings for him. So your marriage is a sham.

 

You need to get your ducks in a row and leave now. Can you go to a friend or family member?

You also need to consult a solicitor/attorney to see what your rights are in this situation. Please don't delay.

 

No-one should stay in any relationship where there is abuse.

 

IMO your MM is just using you for his sexual pleasure. You said;-

 

 

 

I get the feeling that that isn't what you really want. Please lose this guy and concentrate of getting out of your abusive situation.

 

Here are some sobering figures from UK, and would suspect those in USA are comparable.

 

1.4 million women suffered domestic abuse last year, ONS figures show | Society | The Guardian

 

Please stop allowing yourself to be another statistic - you are worth more than that.

 

Good luck x

 

Hi Arieswoman,

You're right, my M is a sham. I live in a nice house in a good neighborhood and I'll be poor and live a very hard life if I leave. I have had it rough so much of my life, it's hard to go back to that. I talk to my family and they sympathize, but I can't live with them. In our state assets are split 50/50 and our only asset is our house. My D and SS are grown and on their own. A lot if people don't take verbal abuse as seriously and physical abuse, but I think it's just as bad.

 

I think MM is using me for sexual pleasure, but I can't help but feeling that he cares for me some. I don't want to be used and it's very painful. He works just down the street and lives close to me. I drive by the places that we went together and I miss him and the fun we had. It's hard to not respond when he contacts me, even though I know I need to let go.

 

Thank you for the stats and your concern about me

[lftbehind]

Due to your marriage being abusive your self-esteem is crushed. It doesn't sound like you can financially take care of yourself right now and therefore, you're a bit trapped.

 

You were looking to the OM to save you from this situation but he's not going to do so. He does find you attractive and will have sex with you if you let him but he's not going to give you the attention that he gave you at the beginning. It's not that you're not good enough to hold his attention it's that he wanted to have sex with a woman other than his wife and chose you but he was looking for something on the side not a way out of his marriage. He might have said he wanted out of his marriage but he lied.

 

Can you move in with your mother?

 

Hi Brigit,

My self-esteem is crushed and I am trapped.

 

It didn't start out with me thinking that the MM would save me, but I guess I started thinking that he might when he started talking about us getting a place together. You're are right that he is not going to give me the attention that he gave me in the beginning and it does make me feel like I'm not good enough to give attention to and I feel inferior. It's hard to understand how a person would use another person that way and lie to them. I feel like he cared for me and how could I be that wrong?

 

I can't move in with my family.

[lftbehind]

It sounds as though you were looking at your MM as some kind of white knight who was going to rescue you from your awful marriage.

 

He, unfortunately, was just looking at you as someone who was willing to engage in his BSDM fetish with him and he probably told you many things he didn't really mean in order to keep you participating in the sexual activities. If that meant telling you that he saw a future with you and talking about getting a place together, then that's what he'd say. Quite honestly, this wouldn't be the first time a man lied to a woman in order to keep the sex coming and it certainly wont be the last.

 

Maybe his wife is suspicious and he's curtailing the activity, or maybe he just doesn't feel the risk is worth the reward anymore because he can see you're much more emotionally invested in this affair than he is. This was about sex for him, not emotion. I think he used the excuse that his wife was suspicious to kind of put the brakes on this thing because he feels you're looking for much more than he is.

 

Of course, pig that he is, he can't help but still try to engage you in dirty talk even though he did his best to halt you in your tracks. He'd still be interested if you wanted to occasionally indulge him in a good ass whipping, but that's ALL he wants from you.

 

Hi Lois Griffin,

You're probably right, but I don't understand how someone could treat another person that way and I do feel like he had some feelings for me. I'm thinking that he might have used the excuse of his wife being suspicious to put the brakes on things, too. He e-mailed me today to come see him later. Wonder what he wants?

[lftbehind]

He doesn't like his reality but he can't leave it, just like you don't like your reality but can't leave yours. He also doesn't want to get caught and neither do you, I'm sure. I'm sure you'd back off too if your husband were questioning you. And now that things appear calmer at home he is engaging again in fantasy with you because he enjoys that. But it won't be anything more than that (fantasy). You need to accept that or end it.

 

Hi Popsicle,

You're right, I just have to accept that it is fantasy or end it. It's hard, because I miss him and have feelings for him. He keeps contacting me, too.

[lftbehind]

Other peoples men are other peoples men.

 

Neither of the men in this triangle love you.

 

Leave your husband, end it with the MM.

 

You deserve to be with someone who loves you.

 

Don't settle for less.

 

Hi Satu,

Words of wisdom. You don't think that my husband loves me either? He keeps saying that he does, but I don't know what to believe.

[violet1]

I'm sorry for you pain OP. The number 2 reasons people don't leave bad marriages are because of kids and finances. Let me just ask a few questions, is living in a big house in a nice neighborhood worth the abuse you put up from your H? Is having affairs truly fulfilling your needs? It doesn't sound like it is. The thing is, life is hard. Sometimes we have to make choices we don't like. I had to get a 2nd job. Was I happy about it? No, absolutely not. It was either that or lose my car and other things. What keeps me going is that I know this is temporary. Even if you have to live in a smaller place that is not as nice, it will be yours and you will be free from the abuse. Finances go up and down, but you will be okay. Take baby steps and free yourself from your affair and marriage. The first thing you need to do is stop feeling like your trapped. You aren't, you just have to make choices that you don't necessarily like or want. I wish you the best!

[lftbehind]

Focus on getting a good job so you can save up money and divorce your husband. Get strong enough so you can be independent and be happy on your own, seek counseling if need be to help you.

 

As for the MM, well, he has his reasons to stay married, just like you do, though it does seem his marriage isn't half as bad as he's made it out to be. People who want to divorce, do so with no excuses! He wants to keep his family intact and is enjoying having an affair on the side on his terms and time frame.

 

He isn't the 'one' for you, he's fulfilling a need that's missing in you and in your life. Distance yourself from him, detach and let him go.

 

Hi whichwayisup,

It is hard to get a better job as there is so much competition for good job. I'm looking, though. I'm trying to get strong, but I'm so down. Have tried counseling and don't feel like it helps me. I know that I need to let MM go.

[Popsicle]

Hi Popsicle,

You're right, I just have to accept that it is fantasy or end it. It's hard, because I miss him and have feelings for him. He keeps contacting me, too.

 

I know. It is a cycle we get caught in but you have to find something else to look forward to to break it.

[lftbehind]

Lftbehind,

I wish I could PM you, there is a lot I'd like to share with you.

 

My H is a drug addict/alcoholic, sober over 3 years now, but the emotional and verbal abuse has never really stopped. Slowed down, yes, but it is just sitting there under the surface. I'm a SAHM, I know about not having the money to leave and feeling trapped.

 

There are so many places to get support. I would highly suggest trying AlAnon, I have found so much support and comfort there from people going thru the same things. My self esteem was in the toilet, much like I imagine yours is, and I feel like now I know who I am, what I want and that I'm worthy of so much good and that I am a good person. I made the decision to leave my H about a month ago. I contacted the domestic violence center in town and they set me up with legal aid and a lawyer at no cost who has extensive knowledge about DV and substance abuse since those things go hand in hand many times. He has just been great. None of this stuff was easy to do, not at all, but if you want out, you can do it.

 

Before I saw the lawyer, I had a million fears, and most of them have proved not as huge as I thought. To leave I thought I needed a job, a place to live, huge sums of money saved away and of course I had to do that all by myself and have a concrete plan. Not true. There are numerous programs that can get you into housing, education, job placement, etc. I completely underestimated how much assets and child support I was entitled to since we don't seem to have much money. All kinds of stuff. One of the best pieces of advice I have gotten was to just see a lawyer so I am dealing with the reality of the situation instead of my fears, then I can reassess knowing the facts.

 

Your MM doesn't sound like he is in this for the long haul or like you can rely on him for anything. You don't need him anyway. You are strong enough on your own to go out and get the life you want. You may not know that yet, but you are. I'm not proud of the fact that I am in an EA, and I know how comforting that person can be. Granted, he's single and I don't have quite the same dynamics you do, but there is still no guarantee he will be around for me even one day more. I'm doing what is best for me, and that is my hope for you too, that you will do what's best for you. Big hugs to you ❤

 

Hi Lovebug,

Sorry that you have to deal with such a sad situation, too. That's great that you feel better about yourself and have made the decision to leave your husband. You do deserve to be happy and live a good life! I didn't know if verbal and emotional abuse was considered domestic violence. I know that is very damaging, though. Glad that they have given you so much help. I am working, but don't make a lot. I'll check into what kind of help I can get.

 

I know MM is not there for me. I'm not strong right now and I am very down about my situation. My life has been too rough for too long. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. They do mean a lot. I hope that your relationship works out for you. I'll try to do what's best for me. Thanks for the hugs and hugs to you, too!

[lftbehind]

I'm sorry for you pain OP. The number 2 reasons people don't leave bad marriages are because of kids and finances. Let me just ask a few questions, is living in a big house in a nice neighborhood worth the abuse you put up from your H? Is having affairs truly fulfilling your needs? It doesn't sound like it is. The thing is, life is hard. Sometimes we have to make choices we don't like. I had to get a 2nd job. Was I happy about it? No, absolutely not. It was either that or lose my car and other things. What keeps me going is that I know this is temporary. Even if you have to live in a smaller place that is not as nice, it will be yours and you will be free from the abuse. Finances go up and down, but you will be okay. Take baby steps and free yourself from your affair and marriage. The first thing you need to do is stop feeling like your trapped. You aren't, you just have to make choices that you don't necessarily like or want. I wish you the best!

 

Hi Violet,

I work 2:00 to 11:00 M-F, so I don't see my husband much during the week. I know that I'm living a lie and it gets me very down, though. My family had money, but I have been poor and lived in government subsidized housing or rented a room in someone's house until I married my H. I wouldn't physically be able to work 2 jobs. I do need to take steps to free myself from A and M. A is LC now. I guess that I am trapped until I can make a move. Thanks for the good wishes.

[lftbehind]

I know. It is a cycle we get caught in but you have to find something else to look forward to to break it.

 

I have to break the cycle, because it hurts too much to be used.