New here and my story

[lftbehind]

LoveBug66 gives excellent advice. I would follow it. Start by joining an AlAnon group. You do need to get out of your abusive relationship with your H. I am sorry about your A with the MM. I am also married and in an A with a MM. It has taken me some time to get to the realization that even though MM cares for me, he won't be leaving his M (and he doesn't have kids to use as an excuse). You have enough problems without the unavailable MM who seems to need you for sex. You deserve better than that. Make the break now before your feelings for him grow even stronger. Focus on you and doing what you can to change your situation. Follow what LoveBug66 has suggested.

 

Hi Babs,

It was good advice from LoveBug66 and I will follow it. Sorry about your situation with MM. I have to make the break from MM, because it hurts too much to be used. I will work on changing my situation.

[anika99]

Hi Arieswoman,

You're right, my M is a sham. I live in a nice house in a good neighborhood and I'll be poor and live a very hard life if I leave. I have had it rough so much of my life, it's hard to go back to that. I talk to my family and they sympathize, but I can't live with them. In our state assets are split 50/50 and our only asset is our house. My D and SS are grown and on their own. A lot if people don't take verbal abuse as seriously and physical abuse, but I think it's just as bad.

 

I think MM is using me for sexual pleasure, but I can't help but feeling that he cares for me some. I don't want to be used and it's very painful. He works just down the street and lives close to me. I drive by the places that we went together and I miss him and the fun we had. It's hard to not respond when he contacts me, even though I know I need to let go.

 

Thank you for the stats and your concern about me

 

Verbal/emotional abuse is very damaging and hard to recover from, but it's hard to explain how much it hurts to someone who hasn't experienced it. I spent some years with a very emotionally abusive man and I also spent some years with an alcoholic. Interestingly they weren't the same man.

 

The verbally emotionally abusive man would say the nastiest things to me anyone has ever said. I couldn't believe some of the vile things that would come out of his mouth, but it wasn't just name calling. It was silent treatments for days, false accusations, changing expectations without rhyme or reason, saying one thing and then in the next breath saying he never said that, or insisting that I said something that I knew I never said and then trying to punish me for things he was making up in his head. So when I say I was with a verbally abusive man people likely think I was with a guy who said some bad words to me but it ran so much deeper than that. It wasn't just the words it was all the crazy making mind f**K games that came along with it. The worst of it was the pain of feeling such contempt from a man who I loved and who I thought loved me. It is soul destroying.

 

However I agree with Violet. Your reasons for staying with an abuser are not good reasons. I have left 2 relationships now with nothing but my clothes. I do okay for myself now but at the time I was dirt poor. I've been poor many times in my life and I'm not afraid of being poor again. When I ran away from those relationships (the abuser and the alcoholic) I had reached a point where I realized nothing is worse than going home everyday to an unhappy toxic dysfunctional relationship. My home needs to be my sanctuary, a safe place where I can escape the world and breathe easy. If that safe sanctuary has to be a one room rental or a bedroom in someone's basement then so be it. That's still better than a home full of fighting, crying, and hurt.

 

You need to take some responsibility for yourself and some ownership of your choices. You haven't worked for most of your marriage and I don't understand your reasons for that considering that you have only been married 9 yrs and did not have children at home. You say you had some job ideas that didn't pan out. Well we don't always get to follow our dreams when it comes to working. Chronic unemployment is bad for the self esteem. I have a good job now but if I lost it and the only place I could get hired was walmart or mcdonalds I'd take those jobs over no job.

 

You are working full time now so really you should be able to leave if you really wanted to and the abuse was really as bad as you say. Look for shared accommodations or room rentals. If you stay in an abusive marriage for the money then you are actually contributing to your abuse. You are making the decision to be abused for money. Don't do that.

[Majormisstep]

lftbehind, your MM doesn't care about you at all. He only cares about himself and what feels good for him. You are unfortunately an able participant in his game. He's taking full advantage of your vulnerability and all it's going to do is send you spiralling down even further. Walk away now before you get too invested in him. He isn't leaving his M and if his W is suspicious, he'll withdraw so far back you'll drive yourself completely bonkers trying to "win" him back.

 

There are some great suggestions here and exercising them will be difficult but so worth it in the end. If you live in a nice neighbourhood and your H makes a reasonable income, he will likely have to pay you spousal support. One day at a time...

[mysterywoman]

lftbehind, your MM doesn't care about you at all. He only cares about himself and what feels good for him. You are unfortunately an able participant in his game. He's taking full advantage of your vulnerability and all it's going to do is send you spiralling down even further. Walk away now before you get too invested in him. He isn't leaving his M and if his W is suspicious, he'll withdraw so far back you'll drive yourself completely bonkers trying to "win" him back.

 

There are some great suggestions here and exercising them will be difficult but so worth it in the end. If you live in a nice neighbourhood and your H makes a reasonable income, he will likely have to pay you spousal support. One day at a time...

 

I am in a similar situation with my husband who has been emotionally (very) abusive to me and even physically (he threw me across t he bed and said and did things I don't want to put here!) I was looking for an escape with my 'm not only that but emotional support which he was not able to give me. I have talked with other MM who were emotionally supportive. Now I probably need to stop doing that but it is hard to get out of and I don't know what to do either.

[mysterywoman]

I am in a similar situation with my husband who has been emotionally (very) abusive to me and even physically (he threw me across t he bed and said and did things I don't want to put here!) I was looking for an escape with my MM not only that but emotional support which he was not able to give me. I have talked with other MM who were emotionally supportive. Now I probably need to stop doing that but it is hard to get out of and I don't know what to do either.

[Lovebug66]

Hi Lovebug,

Sorry that you have to deal with such a sad situation, too. That's great that you feel better about yourself and have made the decision to leave your husband. You do deserve to be happy and live a good life! I didn't know if verbal and emotional abuse was considered domestic violence. I know that is very damaging, though. Glad that they have given you so much help. I am working, but don't make a lot. I'll check into what kind of help I can get.

 

I know MM is not there for me. I'm not strong right now and I am very down about my situation. My life has been too rough for too long. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. They do mean a lot. I hope that your relationship works out for you. I'll try to do what's best for me. Thanks for the hugs and hugs to you, too!

 

Verbal and emotional abuse is definitely DV! It took me years to finally accept that. I was also stuck in 'well, it's gotten a lot better so it's not abuse anymore'. Also not true. This book did wonders for me to see my picture a little more clearly - Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. I would highly recommend it. I have been very clear with the DV center that my H hasn't put his hands on me in 13 years, and they have just brushed that aside. They aren't concerned that this person is more abused than the other, they just want to help anyone suffering from any type of abuse and they have been so kind. This is the main website for AlAnon is, al-anon.alateen.org , and it can direct you to a meeting and also has lots of good readings. I want to make this clear, if your H stops drinking that is NO guarantee the abuse will stop.

 

The other thing I will say about the lawyer is I guess I felt like I'd be walking into a timeshare presentation or something...they would pressure me, not let me walk out till I had papers filed, talk me into things I didn't want, call me to see if I am ready to file now...people go in for consultations all the time. It doesn't mean you need to do squat and they won't pressure you. Things seem scarier than they actually are, if you can find the courage and self esteem to take action you start riding the wave of momentum. One thing at a time.

 

My humble opinion, but MM is probably doing a number on your self esteem too now. At first you feel that high, but now it seems like you wonder if you are just being used...it doesn't really matter if you are or not. If that's how you feel, it will just dig your hole deeper.

 

You can do what's best for you, you just need to find what that looks like for you in your life. It takes some work to find that confidence to trust yourself, but it can be done, and it's much easier if you have support. Thank you for the hugs too ❤

[lftbehind]

Verbal/emotional abuse is very damaging and hard to recover from, but it's hard to explain how much it hurts to someone who hasn't experienced it. I spent some years with a very emotionally abusive man and I also spent some years with an alcoholic. Interestingly they weren't the same man.

 

The verbally emotionally abusive man would say the nastiest things to me anyone has ever said. I couldn't believe some of the vile things that would come out of his mouth, but it wasn't just name calling. It was silent treatments for days, false accusations, changing expectations without rhyme or reason, saying one thing and then in the next breath saying he never said that, or insisting that I said something that I knew I never said and then trying to punish me for things he was making up in his head. So when I say I was with a verbally abusive man people likely think I was with a guy who said some bad words to me but it ran so much deeper than that. It wasn't just the words it was all the crazy making mind f**K games that came along with it. The worst of it was the pain of feeling such contempt from a man who I loved and who I thought loved me. It is soul destroying.

 

However I agree with Violet. Your reasons for staying with an abuser are not good reasons. I have left 2 relationships now with nothing but my clothes. I do okay for myself now but at the time I was dirt poor. I've been poor many times in my life and I'm not afraid of being poor again. When I ran away from those relationships (the abuser and the alcoholic) I had reached a point where I realized nothing is worse than going home everyday to an unhappy toxic dysfunctional relationship. My home needs to be my sanctuary, a safe place where I can escape the world and breathe easy. If that safe sanctuary has to be a one room rental or a bedroom in someone's basement then so be it. That's still better than a home full of fighting, crying, and hurt.

 

You need to take some responsibility for yourself and some ownership of your choices. You haven't worked for most of your marriage and I don't understand your reasons for that considering that you have only been married 9 yrs and did not have children at home. You say you had some job ideas that didn't pan out. Well we don't always get to follow our dreams when it comes to working. Chronic unemployment is bad for the self esteem. I have a good job now but if I lost it and the only place I could get hired was walmart or mcdonalds I'd take those jobs over no job.

 

You are working full time now so really you should be able to leave if you really wanted to and the abuse was really as bad as you say. Look for shared accommodations or room rentals. If you stay in an abusive marriage for the money then you are actually contributing to your abuse. You are making the decision to be abused for money. Don't do that.

 

Hi Anikka99,

I'm sorry that you were in those 2 bad relationships and that's good that you got away from them. Your verbally abusive relationship sounds like a nightmare. Mine is not quite that bad, but it has made me lose feelings for my husband and hurt my self-esteem. It is hard to explain to someone that hasn't experienced it.

 

I stay because of the finances and the possibility of getting feelings back for my husband, but I haven't been able to feel anything again. I work a night shift and don't see him during the week much. It is hard to live a lie and it gets me down sometimes. I'm working on getting in a better financial situation for being on my own. I have some debt that I need to pay off, too. Trying to get through one day at a time.

[lftbehind]

lftbehind, your MM doesn't care about you at all. He only cares about himself and what feels good for him. You are unfortunately an able participant in his game. He's taking full advantage of your vulnerability and all it's going to do is send you spiralling down even further. Walk away now before you get too invested in him. He isn't leaving his M and if his W is suspicious, he'll withdraw so far back you'll drive yourself completely bonkers trying to "win" him back.

 

There are some great suggestions here and exercising them will be difficult but so worth it in the end. If you live in a nice neighbourhood and your H makes a reasonable income, he will likely have to pay you spousal support. One day at a time...

 

Hi Majormisstep,

I don't believe that MM doesn't care about me at all. I know he does care about me, but maybe himself more? I do feel like he takes advantage of my vulnerability and my feelings for him. I don't pursue him, but I do reply to him when he e-mails me. He contacted me yesterday to see him, but i didn't meet him. I know that I would want to get physical with him and I'm trying to avoid that. It's hard to have NC when he keeps contacting me and I still have feelings for him

 

There are some great suggestions here and I'm working on getting myself in a better financial situation to be on my own.

[GirlStillStrong]

focus on getting a good job so you can save up money and divorce your husband. Get strong enough so you can be independent and be happy on your own, seek counseling if need be to help you.

 

As for the mm, well, he has his reasons to stay married, just like you do, though it does seem his marriage isn't half as bad as he's made it out to be. People who want to divorce, do so with no excuses! He wants to keep his family intact and is enjoying having an affair on the side on his terms and time frame.

 

He isn't the 'one' for you, he's fulfilling a need that's missing in you and in your life. Distance yourself from him, detach and let him go.

 

^^this!!!!

[lftbehind]

I am in a similar situation with my husband who has been emotionally (very) abusive to me and even physically (he threw me across t he bed and said and did things I don't want to put here!) I was looking for an escape with my 'm not only that but emotional support which he was not able to give me. I have talked with other MM who were emotionally supportive. Now I probably need to stop doing that but it is hard to get out of and I don't know what to do either.

 

Hi mysterywoman,

I am so sorry that you are in an abusive relationship with your husband. If he is physically abusive to you, you need to get out as soon as you can. It can escalate. I left a physically abusive relationship years ago. They have domestic abuse hotlines that you can call and they can help you find help where you live. It's hard to do, but please do it for your safety! Lovebug66

gave some good advice in this thread.

 

I can understand looking for an escape from your situation and that's what I have been doing, also. I like the physical aspect of someone wanting me, but a lot of it is wanting the emotional support and to feel special. I do think MM take advantage of our vulnerability some. I do think they have emotions, too, though. I think they do get feelings for us, but are not looking to leave their marriages. Some leave, though. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to survive and get support and love where you can.

 

Please work on getting yourself out of your abusive M, you deserve to be treated well and be happy and safe! Take care

[lftbehind]

Verbal and emotional abuse is definitely DV! It took me years to finally accept that. I was also stuck in 'well, it's gotten a lot better so it's not abuse anymore'. Also not true. This book did wonders for me to see my picture a little more clearly - Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. I would highly recommend it. I have been very clear with the DV center that my H hasn't put his hands on me in 13 years, and they have just brushed that aside. They aren't concerned that this person is more abused than the other, they just want to help anyone suffering from any type of abuse and they have been so kind. This is the main website for AlAnon is, al-anon.alateen.org , and it can direct you to a meeting and also has lots of good readings. I want to make this clear, if your H stops drinking that is NO guarantee the abuse will stop.

 

The other thing I will say about the lawyer is I guess I felt like I'd be walking into a timeshare presentation or something...they would pressure me, not let me walk out till I had papers filed, talk me into things I didn't want, call me to see if I am ready to file now...people go in for consultations all the time. It doesn't mean you need to do squat and they won't pressure you. Things seem scarier than they actually are, if you can find the courage and self esteem to take action you start riding the wave of momentum. One thing at a time.

 

My humble opinion, but MM is probably doing a number on your self esteem too now. At first you feel that high, but now it seems like you wonder if you are just being used...it doesn't really matter if you are or not. If that's how you feel, it will just dig your hole deeper.

 

You can do what's best for you, you just need to find what that looks like for you in your life. It takes some work to find that confidence to trust yourself, but it can be done, and it's much easier if you have support. Thank you for the hugs too ❤

 

The verbal abuse doesn't happen as much, but it has already caused too much damage. I will check out that book. The abuse doesn't always happen when he is drinking and I don't think he is going to stop. He seemed to be edgier when he would not drink for a while. He also has done some drugs sometimes. I have been trying to ride it out, because he isn't always abusive and he hasn't hit me. I know that I can't live like this forever. I will check out Al-anon, too.

 

The situation with MM is affecting my self esteem, too. It's the push-pull that is hard. I know that he has some feelings for me and he keeps contacting me. I guess I'm not ready to totally let go even though I probably should.

 

I appreciate all of your help and I guess that I'm a work in progress. I probably will have to leave, it's just a matter of when.