It's over, isn't it?

[John_Michael]

I'm feeling lost, and wanted some advice/thoughts if there is any...

 

My family (wife, two kids) went on holiday about a month back. For the first two weeks afterward my wife was very cold to me - walking away when i got close, not really talking to me. I called her up on it and she said we had drifted apart and that she didn't see it coming.

 

I looked back and thought '****' its true. We had both prioritiesed other stuff - she worked late, I had written a novel, there wasn't much 'her and me' time.

 

The week was awkward and I called her out on it. I asked her if she was still 'in' this relationship. She replied she's not 'out'.

 

 

We had another trip away which i decided I wouldn't go on - I didn't want to hang around on a happy family holiday when we werent a holiday - and effectively lie to the people we would stay with.

 

When my wife and kids got back my wife had gotten worse - now resenting my attention and presence. I would ask her about her day. She would give minimal responses like 'fine thanks'. I'd keep probing, showing interesting, wanting to know about her day. Whenever I asked a question she'd have to ask me to say it again - i can only assume because she has just completely tuned me out - and at one point she got angry at me. She didn't want me asking her questions because she was 'tired'.

 

Now she doesn't even say goodnight, just goes to bed, watches her program and goes to sleep. If i try and join her she gets angry.

 

I don't know what the heck I am in, but it doesn't feel like a marriage. I don't think she wants to make things right, it feels like she wants me gone, she just can't admit it to herself.

 

Anyone else been in a similar situation?

 

Thanks in advance,

 

John

[mystikmind2005]

Talk to a Councillor, do research on the internet....

 

Please watch this movie 'hope Springs' Tommy Lee Jones + Meryl Streep

[kenmore]

Hi John, Welcome.

 

Reading your post, things are definitely not good, and the reason I say that is not because of what has been said or done, but because she seems to be getting worse.

 

Obviously everyone is different and will react differently to different situations, but in general things typically go in the direction they have been going.

 

I don't want to be a harbinger of bad news, nobody wants to be that and nobody wants to hear bad news, but if something doesn't change soon, it is most likely going to end, yes. To make it worse, it's not just you who has to make changes, so will she and since she's been shutting down, she probably won't want to.

 

Reading between the lines, somehow I'm getting the feeling there's more to this story though. It seems like more than you two one day realizing you have drifted apart. Situations like these typically brew for a long time, and there seems like more than just differences in you two, she sounds resentful of something. Perhaps you know what it may be or maybe not, but if you don't, it's unlikely she'll tell you, you may have to figure it out through introspection.

 

Best of luck to you!

 

Ken

[starglider]

Hi John,

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

Your post could have been written by my H about me and it is a sad state of affairs for all parties.

 

In our case we've been together for 15 years (M for 10 of them) and somewhere along the line, we started drifting apart as our daughter grew up.

 

In my case he had been depressed for nearly a decade, but was undiagnosed until this year. I detached from him to a degree years ago because he was often in bed and didn't participate in social activities. We didn't argue (though he was increasingly irritable over the years), I didn't try to change him, I just tried to find my own happiness. We have different interests so we didn't even have many overlapping areas to connect.

 

But the real escalation of detachment came this winter during a time when I developed an emotional attachment to another man. It was a sort of EA, but nothing overt or sexual, just a feeling of closeness to OM, being understood and cared for. Feeling special to him.

 

In my case the OM went NC on me then LC when he had his own marriage crisis and I remember silently mourning the loss of him while trying to keep it together at home in front of H and family. This is the period when I spend more time alone while in the same house with others.

 

I tried to reconnect with my H and disclosed the EA, and we tried to work on the M, but things just got worse. Negative emotions we had both been pushing down for years came up to the surface and we started to argue a lot more.

 

At this point we've been living under different roofs for about a week during a true, trial separation.

 

So the stage you are detailing in your post reminds me of the calm/detachment before the storm.

 

Hopefully you both will do IC and together do MC. This is what H and I are doing now. I now feel reconnected to my life, my home, and my daughter, but I still feel disconnected to my H.

 

Just today he said again "You just aren't interested in me ... you don't care about me" and sadly this was true. I don't know if it was our mutual detachment over the years of our M, our mutual response to his depression, or a result of my EA. But sadly, I'm not interested in him in the way a wife should be at this point.

 

We've both agreed to work on ourselves and then see where our M is during the next few months of separation.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited June 6, 2015 by starglider

[Happilydivorced2013]

I agree with Kenmore. I believe there is more to this then the last couple weeks. She has disengaged for a reason.

[No Limit]

Has she travelled to the same area repeatedly? Although that's not even necessary, if she has an affair partner they can plan where to meet up. Should she be introducing your kids to another guy already though - don't be afraid of going "bat**** crazy" on her for a change.