KlaartjeVan Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 (edited) Well I guess I just want to know if I actually did something wrong or if I have reason to be feeling hurt right now. But last night after having a really mundane day, I was feeling really run-down but I went ahead and accompanied him to the places he wanted to go. I wanted to go home but instead we spent about 2 hours at a car dealership to get my car appraised, since he insists on selling my car even though I really don't want to but I know it's the responsible thing to do. After eating dinner at a restaurant, we drove home and instead of going to bed or relaxing, he wanted to change the rotors on his car and he made me help him. I helped him but got offended when he got mad at me for not standing in the same place he left me when he needed to get something from the garage, but I ignored it and kept helping. It was dark outside so he had me hold a flashlight the entire time for him while he worked. After a while I suggested going inside and working tomorrow since it might have been easier to just work on the car when there was light outside (and I wanted to work on a surprise for him), but he got mad and said I just wanted to go inside and not help him anymore. I got offended that he made that assumption and didn't say anything, so he told me to leave him and go inside. I told him that he made an assumption and that I was angry and began walking to the house, despite his telling at me to come back. I went to our room and let out all the stress I had built up from the day by crying, and he walked in on me crying and called me pathetic and a baby and he said he thought he married a woman, not a child. After I explained that I had a hard day and I was mad at myself because I have been trying very hard to be mature for him and to be responsible and disciplined, he looked at me, took our marriage license (which we have yet to have mailed) and tore it in front of me. Then he left. I went to the bathroom and cried and showered so I could calm down, and when I got back inside, he asked me to help him with the car again. So I dressed up and helped. When we were outside, he explained that he tore just the envelope of the marriage licence, not the actual document, since he wanted me to get scared. He also explained that I take too many things for granted and that I'm a child and he didn't realise he married a child. His family heard me crying and messaged him asking what he did to me, and he wants me to tel them he didn't do anything and that I'm just depressed. I understand the reason behind his wanting me to cover up, but all of this is just so stressful. What should I do? I've texted him this morning while he's at work and it's very distant and awkward. I don't know if I should apologise but whenever things like this happen, I always end up with the blame and I always end up apologising. Edited June 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 Who the hell makes some one stand and hold a light while they watch some one do something they have absolutely no interest in? Is it always about him and what he wants? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 I'd be filing for an annulment if possible, if not, divorce. No man is gonna belittle me and think I'm gonna stand by and take his sh*t. Your husband is controlling and manipulative, and I see signs of mental abuse characteristics radiating off him. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 KV, This man is a horrible abusive bully and he is grinding you down and destroying your self-esteem. And who on earth wants to work on a car in the dark ffs ? Is this what you really want out of life? Please take steps now to leave this abusive relationship. Is there a relative/friend/woman's shelter you can go to for the moment while you decide what to do? You deserve better than this and I think that deep down you know that. If you are depressed, please see your physician/GP and get help with that. I am sorry you are suffering like this. Good luck x 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KlaartjeVan Posted June 6, 2015 Author Share Posted June 6, 2015 Who the hell makes some one stand and hold a light while they watch some one do something they have absolutely no interest in? Is it always about him and what he wants? I work with cars at my job and I take interest in cars. I just didn't want to do anything car related after doing it all day. I wanted one on one time with him and he said that was one on one time and that I shouldn't complain. It's usually what he wants...we sometimes to what I want too though 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 Google emotional abuse. and read here - Signs of Emotional Abuse | World of Psychology DO NOT tell his relatives you are "depressed" as that is admitting that you have a mental illness, and that is not a clever thing to do. It excuses him from any blame as to why you were upset. It also gives him the excuse to call you crazy and everyone will just agree as you have already admitted to it. Does he always treat you so badly? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KlaartjeVan Posted June 6, 2015 Author Share Posted June 6, 2015 Google emotional abuse. and read here - Signs of Emotional Abuse | World of Psychology DO NOT tell his relatives you are "depressed" as that is admitting that you have a mental illness, and that is not a clever thing to do. It excuses him from any blame as to why you were upset. It also gives him the excuse to call you crazy and everyone will just agree as you have already admitted to it. Does he always treat you so badly? I wasn't going to tell them I have depression. I plan on saying that I was just having a bad day. But yeah they always know that he did something when I'm upset and they hear about it of something. He can be very kind to me but he does do stuff like this more often than he should. It's just something that I deal with but it's difficult. And it's not like he isn't nice to me a lot of the time when things are going well. Just when things are bad or he's upset that it gets like this. Or when I do something wrong or not how he would like Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 It seems more like you made a mistake marrying him. If you don't want to sell your car, why did you write "he insists on selling my car even though I really don't want to but I know it's the responsible thing to do"? Why is it responsible? How will you get to work if you don't have a car? You also wrote: I explained that I had a hard day and I was mad at myself because I have been trying very hard to be mature for him and to be responsible and disciplined, What is it that he says you do that is not mature or irresponsibile? Him tearing up your marriage license or even the envelope to scare you is emotionally abusive. Seems to me he's the one who has to grow up. Mature people compromise. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 KlaartjeVan I need to chime here in agreement with the other people who have replied. This relationship is very unhealthy. He is emotionally and mentally abusive to you. The fact that you say you are trying to be "responsible and disciplined" tells me that enough about what he is saying to you. Please for your sake, you need to leave this marriage. It seems beyond marriage counseling. Obviously, it is a new marriage if you haven't mailed it in yet. You don't want to be sitting here 1, 5, 10 years from now wondering why you stay. If I were you, I'd tear it up myself before it ever gets filed. You are worth more than to be treated like this and you will find someone who will treat you like an equal, with love and respect. Please don't make excuses for him. Can you get some independent counseling to find out why you would let others treat you this way? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 I wasn't going to tell them I have depression. I plan on saying that I was just having a bad day. But yeah they always know that he did something when I'm upset and they hear about it of something. He can be very kind to me but he does do stuff like this more often than he should. It's just something that I deal with but it's difficult. And it's not like he isn't nice to me a lot of the time when things are going well. Just when things are bad or he's upset that it gets like this. Or when I do something wrong or not how he would like Abusers are not nasty 24/7, else no-one would stay with them, they do nice things to keep the victim on board. She excuses his bad behaviour, by remembering the time he bought her flowers or cooked her a meal, or he was nice to her on holiday. She forgets he bought her flowers after saying in a "joke" she looked fat, he cooked her a meal after she spent the day crying after some fight he started and he said he would leave her, and he was nice to her on holiday after he had a tantrum at the airport... They mess with your head. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 I would so love to beat his ass for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 Well I guess I just want to know if I actually did something wrong or if I have reason to be feeling hurt right now. You have a reason to feel hurt. You did not do anything wrong, and I think your husband is verbally abusing you. But last night after having a really mundane day, I was feeling really run-down but I went ahead and accompanied him to the places he wanted to go. I wanted to go home but instead we spent about 2 hours at a car dealership to get my car appraised, since he insists on selling my car even though I really don't want to but I know it's the responsible thing to do. Explain how selling your car is the responsible thing to do here, when you don't want to sell your car. Are you buying a car that is better for you? After eating dinner at a restaurant, we drove home and instead of going to bed or relaxing, he wanted to change the rotors on his car and he made me help him. I helped him but got offended when he got mad at me for not standing in the same place he left me when he needed to get something from the garage, but I ignored it and kept helping. It was dark outside so he had me hold a flashlight the entire time for him while he worked. After a while I suggested going inside and working tomorrow since it might have been easier to just work on the car when there was light outside (and I wanted to work on a surprise for him), but he got mad and said I just wanted to go inside and not help him anymore. I got offended that he made that assumption and didn't say anything, so he told me to leave him and go inside. I told him that he made an assumption and that I was angry and began walking to the house, despite his telling at me to come back. I went to our room and let out all the stress I had built up from the day by crying, and he walked in on me crying and called me pathetic and a baby and he said he thought he married a woman, not a child. After I explained that I had a hard day and I was mad at myself because I have been trying very hard to be mature for him and to be responsible and disciplined, he looked at me, took our marriage license (which we have yet to have mailed) and tore it in front of me. Then he left. I went to the bathroom and cried and showered so I could calm down, and when I got back inside, he asked me to help him with the car again. So I dressed up and helped. When we were outside, he explained that he tore just the envelope of the marriage licence, not the actual document, since he wanted me to get scared. He also explained that I take too many things for granted and that I'm a child and he didn't realise he married a child. His family heard me crying and messaged him asking what he did to me, and he wants me to tel them he didn't do anything and that I'm just depressed. I understand the reason behind his wanting me to cover up, but all of this is just so stressful. What should I do? I've texted him this morning while he's at work and it's very distant and awkward. I don't know if I should apologise but whenever things like this happen, I always end up with the blame and I always end up apologising. That just makes me so incredibly mad. Your husband is a verbal abuser. You need help. He is manipulative and is just trying to hurt you so you are his good little puppet and do what he wants to do - always. Please get help. Before I got married to a wonderful man who loves God and loves me, I was married to a man who verbally abused me, saying I wasn't worth anything when I displeased him. Your experience brings back painful memories of my first marriage. My first husband would call me childish, immature, and so on when I didn't do what he wanted. I am so thankful that I got out of my first marriage because I don't think we truly loved each other. A man who truly loves you will never treat you like how your husband is treating you, and how my first husband treated me. You are a wonderful lady. Please don't let any man tell you differently. A man who truly loves you will not cut you down, but will build you up with encouragement. Blessings 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 Oh OP, how I can relate to what you posted. Those were things my father would do to my mom when we were growing up. They had a very toxic relationship and it was years of misery especially for the children. I highly recommend therapy and really thinking about what you get out of this marriage. He is an awful bully that is manipulating into everything he wants and have become his life size whipping boy. Life is too short for that kind of misery. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 You are being abused. 30 Signs Of Emotional Abuse In A Relationship Remember that any one of these behaviours constitutes abuse. 1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people. 2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs. 3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself. 4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks. 5. They try to control you and treat you like a child. 6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior. 7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere. 8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money. 9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams. 10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong. 11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language. 12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings. 13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true. 14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them. 15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect. 16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing. 17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests. 18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness. 19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath. 20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time. 21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want. 22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion. 23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility. 24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you. 25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings. 26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual. 27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control. 28. They share personal information about you with others. 29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted. 30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you. Source here. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 I would so love to beat his ass for you. And I would love to help you do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 You need to get that marriage certificate and rip it yourself. A marriage is a partnership, respect, love and play. He thinks you're a child and treats and talks to you that way. This is not a partnership. This is only going to get worse, you need to focus on this side of him that will lead to heartache for you if it doesn't get resolved now or consider removing yourself from this toxic situation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 If he thinks it is such a mistake, I would tell him you will be happy to remedy that for him, and then hand him his suitcase and a divorce filing. What a completely cruel man. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 I'm afraid he's build this psychological game where he is the abuser and you are the victim. As a victim, he has psychological power over you, due to his constant abuse and mobbing and mental harassment. It would be so easy to say "just snap out of it" and so nice for you to find the force to leave that toxic relationship. It is normal for you to cry, because he is cruel and abusive. He is repeatedly cruel and abusive to you, every day, every single moment. Who wouldn't break down and cry? He says you're a child and lost all respect for you, as a woman, but he turned you into this defenseless, broken human being. Every day. Every moment. And he will continue to break you even further, little by little, day by day. What do you think will happen later? When you get even more warn out, You think it will get better or you think you'll have to cry and mend your wounds, sobbing quietly, for fear his parents my hear you?!? You think he will stop at mental abuse or you believe it will escalate ? Is this how you want to live your life? Is this the beautiful future, as his spouse, that you'd imagined? Please accept that you are a victim. You don't have to leave him, that is beyond you. But you have to talk. Talk to people. Tell your best friend. Tell your sister. Tell everyone. And stop feeling guilty. You did nothing wrong. Please watch Ted Talks - Leslie Morgan Steiner on domestic abuse Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Talk Video | TED.com 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 I could argue to try to get some help and make an effort to work on the relationship before throwing the towel in, but something needs to be done, you can't put up with this abuse. Just be prepared for the worse, and plan accordingly. People can change and get good help to do so... but you won't know until you try to get him some help.... Link to post Share on other sites
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