Alebo Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 Hi, its my first thread, although I am reading here for some time now. It helped a lot, just not today. After looong, way too long A, I called MM yesterday and we had this last, farewell conversation... Ugh, I thought I was ready, but it really sucks. We both agreed it has to end. I divorced 3 yrs ago, while he has no intentions to.., he told me "ever". Why must I be so stubborn, belive in impossible? Is there any pill to ease the pain? I guess I need some positive thoughts, understanding and encouragment. Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 Sorry, thats a long time. I creeping up on that number and it is just so difficult. I think just like in any relationship, they start to take you for granted and get comfortable that you will always be there after that length of time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 The only "pill" is time. Unfortunately, it's a slow-release medication. On the plus side, it works. The other medication is NC. I'm sorry to say it will probably get worse for you before it gets better after such a LTA. There are times you'll be dying to reach out, anxious to talk to him. In other words, you will want a "hit" of the very drug from which you are trying to withdraw. That's the detox pain you have to work through. Keep busy, especially with something that makes you sweat whether it's exercise or heavy duty yard work. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 Alebo, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you and let you know I feel for you. I am in a 2.5 year A with a MM. I am also currently M, but don't see that lasting. The first year, I thought my MM and I would probably both end up getting divorced and then be with each other. I know, sounds crazy. He has said some things since that have made me pretty much think he won't leave his W. He doesn't have kids, but it would be his second divorce and I think the whole idea of failure and losing respect of family, friends, etc. is quite strong. I have pretty much come to accept that and so I wonder why I stay in the A knowing it is damaging my marriage. Your story is a wake up call for me, so I thank you for sharing. I know it must hurt like hell and I agree, time and NC is probably the best way to heal. I hope you have lots of girlfriends who can help as well. Can you plan a girls trip someplace? Hugz Link to post Share on other sites
adna89 Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 wow 9 years,and well accept he said he wont divorce,,its not really his fault he did not give you false hope ,its you Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 I'm sorry for your pain. It seems that the longer you go on in an A, the less likely it is that the MP will divorce, because they get used to it. The pain will ease in time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 However long it took to get here, you are here now. Try to learn what you can from the experience. I agree that time heals. The only problem with time is that it takes time. And you can't make it move any faster than it will. Try to breathe, be in the present instead of ruminating about the past. Be kind to yourself. Turn all that loving kindness back toward yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 You surround yourself with good friends and family to keep you laughing and to hug you when you need a cry or two. Pamper yourself and be good to yourself too. Grieving is painful and 9 years is a long time to be in an affair and have it end. As awful as you feel right now, like every kind of pain we all go through at some point in our lives, it won't last forever and you will feel better. There's no time frame but you can push yourself and be strong, and really accept that it is over and his choice to stay married has nothing to do with you. It's him and the fact he just doesn't want to divorce and give up everything that he has and is used to. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lonely73 Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 That is a long time! So sorry and I know you are hurting. When my 8 month A ended (not my choice and with no explanation) I know I thought my heart was literally breaking. I had a hard time focusing on anything and if I could get through a single day without crying, it was a good day. I am still struggling. I got on an antidepressant and it seems to help. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 I'm very sorry for your pain. Nine years is a LONG time. Mine was not quite that long and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. Peace to you. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 The grief you are undergoing is like losing a spouse to death, or maybe even worse. Do not minimize your pain or try to be brave. Widows wear black to let the world know their loss. Just take the NC, stay busy, and most of all, do not let slip on the NC. A 1 minute phone call or even a text can set you back months. You WILL feel better, it is just going to take months. I hope you can stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
adna89 Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 (edited) The grief you are undergoing is like losing a spouse to death, or maybe even worse. Do not minimize your pain or try to be brave. Widows wear black to let the world know their loss. Just take the NC, stay busy, and most of all, do not let slip on the NC. A 1 minute phone call or even a text can set you back months. You WILL feel better, it is just going to take months. I hope you can stay strong. Wow please do not insult the widows here,,,they mourn their legitimate spouses(in both peoples and Gods eyes).I am not trying to say her pain is not real,it is...but we can not now make it look as its all ok and nice,no her pain will not be acknowledged in your average culture,or if she tells to an average random person as bad as it might sound,i think you vasted 9 years of your life,,,and please do not make it to 10!! Edited June 7, 2015 by adna89 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 Wow please do not insult the widows here,,,they mourn their legitimate spouses(in both peoples and Gods eyes).I am not trying to say her pain is not real,it is...but we can not now make it look as its all ok and nice,no her pain will not be acknowledged in your average culture,or if she tells to an average random person as bad as it might sound,i think you vasted 9 years of your life,,,and please do not make it to 10!! And please don't judge others' pain. You have no idea how this person's pain compares to that of anyone else, and no one is being 'insulted' except by what you said. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
adna89 Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 And please don't judge others' pain. You have no idea how this person's pain compares to that of anyone else, and no one is being 'insulted' except by what you said. I am not judging,i am just saying you can not compare a widow to a broken hearted mistress i am out of this thread anyway 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 I am not judging,i am just saying you can not compare a widow to a broken hearted mistress i am out of this thread anyway I've known several widows who were ultimately a lot less invested in their marriage than this woman is in her 9 year relationship. There is no generalization that encompasses it all. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alebo Posted June 7, 2015 Author Share Posted June 7, 2015 Thank you, thank you for your replays blue963, sunburned, Babs22, Popsicle, Grapesofwrath, whichwayisup, Lonely73, Hope Shimmers, SoleMate and adna89. I went through your posts many times and I immidiatelly felt better. I still have young kids, becoming officialy "teens" this month and still need my time, presence and attention and there are my ex H with whom we stayed friends, girlfriends, coworkers.... I will just have to focus on them and be gratefull... I ended with mm many times before, but it was different and he always came back and I always caved....This time its like we hit the wall, there is just nowhere to go further. For a couple of month it was more like a torture than anything else, for me and i guess for him too. For some time before, he began backing off, refused to tell me why, and I just couldnt accept the ignorance anymore, become resentfull....and not fun anymore. I told him, that I need nc to move on, but somehow dont belive he will respect that....so my first priority now is to build some confidence and selfrespect, I am also considering some kind of terapy. I dont regret the A, I guess I am not that type...but that doesnt mean that I am not angry at myself... for many things. I remember a few years before I was so confident that I know everything...ha, ha... I always put mm on pedestal, he was so honest (never futurefaked, promissed anything) in my eyes and just cought in this unfortunate circumstances....oh I was naive. He is a charmer and a manipulator...how could I need so many years to see that? And he is so damn cheap. I am sorry, but just have to say that Thanks again ladies (I assume you all are girls) for your words and understanding and for readingme again. Link to post Share on other sites
mysterywoman Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 Thank you, thank you for your replays blue963, sunburned, Babs22, Popsicle, Grapesofwrath, whichwayisup, Lonely73, Hope Shimmers, SoleMate and adna89. I went through your posts many times and I immidiatelly felt better. I still have young kids, becoming officialy "teens" this month and still need my time, presence and attention and there are my ex H with whom we stayed friends, girlfriends, coworkers.... I will just have to focus on them and be gratefull... I ended with mm many times before, but it was different and he always came back and I always caved....This time its like we hit the wall, there is just nowhere to go further. For a couple of month it was more like a torture than anything else, for me and i guess for him too. For some time before, he began backing off, refused to tell me why, and I just couldnt accept the ignorance anymore, become resentfull....and not fun anymore. I told him, that I need nc to move on, but somehow dont belive he will respect that....so my first priority now is to build some confidence and selfrespect, I am also considering some kind of terapy. I dont regret the A, I guess I am not that type...but that doesnt mean that I am not angry at myself... for many things. I remember a few years before I was so confident that I know everything...ha, ha... I always put mm on pedestal, he was so honest (never futurefaked, promissed anything) in my eyes and just cought in this unfortunate circumstances....oh I was naive. He is a charmer and a manipulator...how could I need so many years to see that? And he is so damn cheap. I am sorry, but just have to say that Thanks again ladies (I assume you all are girls) for your words and understanding and for readingme again. Tell me about how you said you ended this many times before. How did the endings come about and how long were they before you started it again? Did he reach out or did you? Thanks.I'm worried about doing this. How long was the longest in between your endings, and did they end because of guilt or did a spouse start to be suspicious? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
loveandlight Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 My A lasted 5 years and I called him one day to finish it with him (even though I didn't really want to). He never contacted me again. I called him a couple of months later and we met up briefly. He was so cold towards me and said I would run a mile if he wanted more from me but I told him that wasn't true. I called him two months later after we had met up and he said it was too late and that I shouldn't try to pick up where we had left off. It has taken me 25 years to realise that he was only after the sex. I honestly thought after all these years that the reason why he never contacted me was because he was so upset at us breaking up but as 25 years have now gone by I realise now he never cared about me just the good sex we used to have. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alebo Posted June 7, 2015 Author Share Posted June 7, 2015 Tell me about how you said you ended this many times before. How did the endings come about and how long were they before you started it again? Did he reach out or did you? Thanks.I'm worried about doing this. How long was the longest in between your endings, and did they end because of guilt or did a spouse start to be suspicious? Thanks. Hi mysterywoman, first I just want to say that I never really cheated. When I met mm I couldnt hide my attraction towards him, and my h knew from the beginning what is going on - but this is another spooky story. On the other side, I dont know exactly what was going on, but once, I saw his w and she stared at me suspiciosly. I asked mm if she knows about me or she just sensed something and he answered: a little bit of both. But he just didnt cared, he mentioned a few times how happy he would be if she would find another man. About our endings. Two or three times it was him dissapearing for a few weeks or even few month, without explanation, but I never reached out first. That were endings for me, I was determined to end, to ignore him... But mostly, with exception of a short period, I was unhappy with all this, crumbs and so and was struggling all the time...so I wanted to end the A. Either I "offended" him a few times and he backed off, or mostly I asked him to leave me, to not contact me... Sometimes he was understanding and promised to respect my wishes, but contacted me sooner or later, sometimes he said he wont leave me alone and I tried to ignore him (blocked him), but caved sooner or later, always him raching out. But as I said, this last year was hardly anything else than endings in a row and the R bacome a heavy burden.... So, on friday, after two weeks of NC from his side (offended again), I called and wanted some clear answers. We had an open conversation, and it was him who for the first time said it is enough and I agreed.... I am sorry for being so long, but hope that I answered to your questions. What are you worried about? Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 I am not judging,i am just saying you can not compare a widow to a broken hearted mistress i am out of this thread anyway Well yes, you are judging. God... did you mention God? Which one? There are tons of them. And if it is a Christian one... is the rule to judge not? Pretty sure that is the one. Gimme a break. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alebo Posted June 7, 2015 Author Share Posted June 7, 2015 My A lasted 5 years and I called him one day to finish it with him (even though I didn't really want to). He never contacted me again. I called him a couple of months later and we met up briefly. He was so cold towards me and said I would run a mile if he wanted more from me but I told him that wasn't true. I called him two months later after we had met up and he said it was too late and that I shouldn't try to pick up where we had left off. It has taken me 25 years to realise that he was only after the sex. I honestly thought after all these years that the reason why he never contacted me was because he was so upset at us breaking up but as 25 years have now gone by I realise now he never cared about me just the good sex we used to have. Loveandlight, thanks for your story. I am sorry that you had such a"cold" experience. Oh, I know, even now, that it was mostly sex that mm was interested in. He denied although, but I know better. I am still closing my eyes sometimes, its easier, or not? You know, the cliché, I thought we had something special..... but at the end....I have to accept the truth, not only in my head, but also in my heart, which I am still working on... or just begun to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 Is there any pill to ease the pain? only time, i'm afraid. one thing i'd like to say -- don't look at these 9 years as some kind of waste of time because he didn't divorce, it wasn't a waste of time. it was a relationship & i'm sure you had many lovely and happy moments with him and i'm sure you did learn something and grow as a person. it had some good and some bad moments and now it came to an end, you know? take it like it is. focus on you, allow yourself to grieve and to move on. go NC & stick with it... find new hobbies and reconnect with other folks in your life, meet new people. it's a long road but you'll come out of it stronger, many hugs to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 Loveandlight, thanks for your story. I am sorry that you had such a"cold" experience. Oh, I know, even now, that it was mostly sex that mm was interested in. He denied although, but I know better. I am still closing my eyes sometimes, its easier, or not? You know, the cliché, I thought we had something special..... but at the end....I have to accept the truth, not only in my head, but also in my heart, which I am still working on... or just begun to. Alebo, I so could have written the words you wrote above. I am still with my MM but these exact same thoughts go through my head. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. I feel your pain. Deep down, I do think it was more than just sex, but it was not enough for him to leave safe, for him to lose pride. We spent so many hours together not having sex, exercising, talking, etc. But it sure feels like it is just about sex when you are left sitting alone and he is home, enjoying his family. You will get through this. Stay NC. I haven't done it before, but I have read a lot of threads, that as soon as you break NC you are right back at square one. Link to post Share on other sites
loveandlight Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 (edited) posted by Babs22 But it sure feels like it is just about sex when you are left sitting alone and he is home, enjoying his family. This is the bit I think we all recognise when in an A. I never felt like my MM was in it for the sex when we were having the affair. He used to give me a lot of emotional support as I was having a hard time generally about other things in my life. I knew he thought a lot of me. He showed his feelings more than I did. It has taken me 25 years to realise that although I dumped him (I dumped him because I wanted more of him and I thought it better I be upset and in pain than his W and kids. I never realised after I dumped him how much pain I would be in). If he really wanted me he would have made an effort to hold onto me but he immediately made NC. That left me feeling like he had never cared or loved me in the first place. 9 years is a long time. I always think if you really love someone then you never really get over it. 25 years later I am still in pain but I have learned to live with it. I have been married to someone else who is my best friend for a very long time and lead a very full life. The feeling for the MM never goes away though. He is 64 now and still married to his W. His children are grown up now with children of their own. Edited June 7, 2015 by loveandlight Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alebo Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 only time, i'm afraid. one thing i'd like to say -- don't look at these 9 years as some kind of waste of time because he didn't divorce, it wasn't a waste of time. it was a relationship & i'm sure you had many lovely and happy moments with him and i'm sure you did learn something and grow as a person. it had some good and some bad moments and now it came to an end, you know? take it like it is. focus on you, allow yourself to grieve and to move on. go NC & stick with it... find new hobbies and reconnect with other folks in your life, meet new people. it's a long road but you'll come out of it stronger, many hugs to you. Thanks and hugs to you minimariah. I will try to be positive and strong! Link to post Share on other sites
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