Author Alebo Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 Alebo, I so could have written the words you wrote above. I am still with my MM but these exact same thoughts go through my head. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. I feel your pain. Deep down, I do think it was more than just sex, but it was not enough for him to leave safe, for him to lose pride. We spent so many hours together not having sex, exercising, talking, etc. But it sure feels like it is just about sex when you are left sitting alone and he is home, enjoying his family. You will get through this. Stay NC. I haven't done it before, but I have read a lot of threads, that as soon as you break NC you are right back at square one. I just try not to think about the R too much. When I catch myself thinkig about what I meant to him, one moment convinced that he cared and loved me and the other how I was just a toy, I say to myself: It doesnt matter now. Let it go. Move on. I just hope that he wont call, at least not to soon. Hugs to you Babs22! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alebo Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 This is the bit I think we all recognise when in an A. I never felt like my MM was in it for the sex when we were having the affair. He used to give me a lot of emotional support as I was having a hard time generally about other things in my life. I knew he thought a lot of me. He showed his feelings more than I did. It has taken me 25 years to realise that although I dumped him (I dumped him because I wanted more of him and I thought it better I be upset and in pain than his W and kids. I never realised after I dumped him how much pain I would be in). If he really wanted me he would have made an effort to hold onto me but he immediately made NC. That left me feeling like he had never cared or loved me in the first place. 9 years is a long time. I always think if you really love someone then you never really get over it. 25 years later I am still in pain but I have learned to live with it. I have been married to someone else who is my best friend for a very long time and lead a very full life. The feeling for the MM never goes away though. He is 64 now and still married to his W. His children are grown up now with children of their own. Oh, loveandlight, please dont scare me. I belive that feelings for people that we loved never go away completely, but pain, after so many years? Link to post Share on other sites
loveandlight Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Posted by Alebo Oh, loveandlight, please dont scare me. I belive that feelings for people that we loved never go away completely, but pain, after so many years? It really depends on the circumstances of the BU. I am full of regret now. NC seems to be promoted heavily on this site but the downside of it is that you are left with unfinished business. I would love to have the chance to at least tell my XMM what I should have told him 25 years ago but its too late for me now. I am having IC which isn't really helping. I am emigrating next year so at least I will have the chance to start a new life in a new culture and put the past behind me. He was the love of my life and always will be. I just wish I could have had the chance to tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 It really depends on the circumstances of the BU. I am full of regret now. NC seems to be promoted heavily on this site but the downside of it is that you are left with unfinished business. I would love to have the chance to at least tell my XMM what I should have told him 25 years ago but its too late for me now. I am having IC which isn't really helping. I am emigrating next year so at least I will have the chance to start a new life in a new culture and put the past behind me. He was the love of my life and always will be. I just wish I could have had the chance to tell him. Loveandlight, you say that this happened 25 years ago and that you are married now but your ex AP is still the love of your life? Do you not have those feeling for your H? How long have you been married? It sounds very sad to have regrets about something that happened 25 years ago. I do feel like my MM is the love of my life. I am married (20 years), but we never connected like my MM and I. I do not see MM ever leaving his W. He doesn't have kids, but he has a life, and a family, and mutual friends that I don't think he wants to give up on. I stay in my M because I do have kids (2 boys - late teens) and one of my kids is having difficulties with major depression. Even with medication, the depression is there all day, every day. Even though his dad has never been much of a support, especially in the emotional support area for my son, my son really wants a relationship with H. He wants to know his dad loves him. So for now, I stay put, but cannot imagine staying like this forever. It hurts too much to be here. I will probably be like Alebo and end up in D with my H. I don't know if my A with MM will go on that long, but he is the love of my life. What would you have done differently, if you had it to do all over again? Would you still have ended it, but ended it differently? How so? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
adna89 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 It really depends on the circumstances of the BU. I am full of regret now. NC seems to be promoted heavily on this site but the downside of it is that you are left with unfinished business. I would love to have the chance to at least tell my XMM what I should have told him 25 years ago but its too late for me now. I am having IC which isn't really helping. I am emigrating next year so at least I will have the chance to start a new life in a new culture and put the past behind me. He was the love of my life and always will be. I just wish I could have had the chance to tell him. Then why dont you just tell him? he is still alive is he? but a gut feeling tells me he would think you are a weird woman for contacting him after 25 years,men are different from us Link to post Share on other sites
loveandlight Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 (edited) My feelings for my H are very different. We have been married for 20 years and he is my best friend. He is a brilliant dad to our only child who is now 18. My H is very loyal and devoted to me and our son. You could put my H in a room full of the most stunning looking women all flirting with him and my H would ignore them all and spend all his time looking around for me. It is too late for me with my XMM I now know as too many years have passed. I have travelled the world and now run two successful businesses. So my life is very full. But you can’t help who you fall in love with. I thought I had moved on until about 8 weeks ago. For the past 25 years I thought I had accepted what had happened between us. Until I started watching a programme on Sky called ‘the Affair’ about 8 weeks ago. One of the main characters (played by Dominic West) is the twin of my XMM in every way. They are so alike including their personalities in that programme that I honestly thought my XMM had changed careers and gone into acting. As I watched it I suddenly found the tears streaming down my face and all those memories and feelings for my XMM came flooding back. I felt sick. I could hear in my head how upset my XMM was at the BU and it was as if the A had only happened yesterday. I was only in my early 20s at the time when our 5 year A began and he was 10 years older than me. He always showed his feelings of love towards me but I often held back as I was scared to get attached to him because I knew he was married. Today he is still alive and still married to his W. If he had really wanted us to get back together then he would have done something about it then surely. But he didn’t. I know he used to fight his feelings of wanting to be with me instead of his W. I tried to get him back a few weeks after the BU and we met up but he was cold and disinterested towards me. He said that I would run a mile if he told me let’s get together and even though I told him I wouldn’t, he refused to believe me. I even called him a few months later after the BU but he said it was too late and I shouldn’t expect to pick up again as if nothing had happened. I then left him alone as he had obviously made up his mind. If I had to do it all again I would not have dumped him. I would have had more self confidence and told him how much he meant to me. I would have had discussions about us. I would have held onto him for as long as I could. I would not have taken time for granted. Even if he had dumped me in the future I would have been in pain then for sure if that had happened but I’m still in pain now from doing what I thought was the right thing all those years ago. I am not going to watch ‘the affair’ tv programme anymore and I am doing my best to forget him again. It gets easier now as the days quickly go by. After a while I will also stop reading this site as it’s also a painful reminder to me of my A as I read about others A experiences. I am happy to help others if I can while I am here. Edited June 10, 2015 by loveandlight Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 It really depends on the circumstances of the BU. I am full of regret now. NC seems to be promoted heavily on this site but the downside of it is that you are left with unfinished business. I would love to have the chance to at least tell my XMM what I should have told him 25 years ago but its too late for me now. I am having IC which isn't really helping. I am emigrating next year so at least I will have the chance to start a new life in a new culture and put the past behind me. He was the love of my life and always will be. I just wish I could have had the chance to tell him. He's still the love of your life only because you are choosing to hold onto this romantic fantasy of him. Possibly because you never healed from his rejection when you tried to get him back. The MM pales in comparison to your husband and I bet if your husband unexpectedly rejected you to be with someone else he would suddenly become the love of your life and be the man you pined for instead of this cake eating MM you once had an affair with 25 yrs ago. I don't think your being stuck has much to do with love so much as it has to do with rejection, hurt ego and fantasies about what ifs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 25 years you say? AND you have been married and had children. I seriously think need to have a long look at what the hell you are hanging onto. It's a memory. NO memory is worth being miserable about 25 years down the road. YOu are lucky to have a husband and a family. Make the most of them. POppy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mysterywoman Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 My feelings for my H are very different. We have been married for 20 years and he is my best friend. He is a brilliant dad to our only child who is now 18. My H is very loyal and devoted to me and our son. You could put my H in a room full of the most stunning looking women all flirting with him and my H would ignore them all and spend all his time looking around for me. It is too late for me with my XMM I now know as too many years have passed. I have travelled the world and now run two successful businesses. So my life is very full. But you can’t help who you fall in love with. I thought I had moved on until about 8 weeks ago. For the past 25 years I thought I had accepted what had happened between us. Until I started watching a programme on Sky called ‘the Affair’ about 8 weeks ago. One of the main characters (played by Dominic West) is the twin of my XMM in every way. They are so alike including their personalities in that programme that I honestly thought my XMM had changed careers and gone into acting. As I watched it I suddenly found the tears streaming down my face and all those memories and feelings for my XMM came flooding back. I felt sick. I could hear in my head how upset my XMM was at the BU and it was as if the A had only happened yesterday. I was only in my early 20s at the time when our 5 year A began and he was 10 years older than me. He always showed his feelings of love towards me but I often held back as I was scared to get attached to him because I knew he was married. Today he is still alive and still married to his W. If he had really wanted us to get back together then he would have done something about it then surely. But he didn’t. I know he used to fight his feelings of wanting to be with me instead of his W. I tried to get him back a few weeks after the BU and we met up but he was cold and disinterested towards me. He said that I would run a mile if he told me let’s get together and even though I told him I wouldn’t, he refused to believe me. I even called him a few months later after the BU but he said it was too late and I shouldn’t expect to pick up again as if nothing had happened. I then left him alone as he had obviously made up his mind. If I had to do it all again I would not have dumped him. I would have had more self confidence and told him how much he meant to me. I would have had discussions about us. I would have held onto him for as long as I could. I would not have taken time for granted. Even if he had dumped me in the future I would have been in pain then for sure if that had happened but I’m still in pain now from doing what I thought was the right thing all those years ago. I am not going to watch ‘the affair’ tv programme anymore and I am doing my best to forget him again. It gets easier now as the days quickly go by. After a while I will also stop reading this site as it’s also a painful reminder to me of my A as I read about others A experiences. I am happy to help others if I can while I am here. I feel almost the same way. That show reminded me of my MM because he was also very similiar to the actor. Reading and posting here just seems to keep the memory and fantasy alive. I need to heal and move on. I hope you do too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alebo Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 Loveandlight and mysterywoman, I just dont know what to say, except that this feelings and mourning are maybe not only for the mm, but can be for the lost youth, a kind of nostalgia? I just ended A and hope to heal and move on quickly and I wish you the same. Hugs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mysterywoman Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Loveandlight and mysterywoman, I just dont know what to say, except that this feelings and mourning are maybe not only for the mm, but can be for the lost youth, a kind of nostalgia? I just ended A and hope to heal and move on quickly and I wish you the same. Hugs. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alebo Posted June 13, 2015 Author Share Posted June 13, 2015 However long it took to get here, you are here now. Try to learn what you can from the experience. I agree that time heals. The only problem with time is that it takes time. And you can't make it move any faster than it will. Try to breathe, be in the present instead of ruminating about the past. Be kind to yourself. Turn all that loving kindness back toward yourself. How the time is relative. Its been only a week or so since we ended, and every minute is so long. This weekend I am on a 3 day trip, alone, to a foreign metropola and if nothing else, we could look from the bright side that it would feel like a month . Love you ladies, when the crisis struck, I just come to LS and read....it shure helps me to stay grounded. Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 Alebo, Glad you are able to take a 3 day trip. Hopefully, you are seeing many new and interesting things and noticing the beauty around you. Enjoy & Take care of you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alebo Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 Alebo, Glad you are able to take a 3 day trip. Hopefully, you are seeing many new and interesting things and noticing the beauty around you. Enjoy & Take care of you! Thank you Babs22! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts