Is there anything I can do or is it done

[kpatcox84]

Not sure this is the right forum for this, but it seems appropriate. My wife and I have been married for almost 11 years. At the beginning of the relationship, she was a virgin, and I might as well have been. This seemed OK then, but quickly I became more sexual and more interested in moving from the innocence. I tried to get her to do different things I had read about or whatever and she may have tried someone them once, but then reverted back to what she “did”. Mind you, I was not asking her to do anything pornesque, but just venture out a little. In fact, she quicklystop doing a couple of the things that I actually enjoyed. Now, we just do the same three positions over and over again. Most of the time she barely kisses during sex, and when she does there is no passion. She never has really initiated sex. Heck, she barely moves during sex. And when I ask her to go to a different position she lies there for a little bit, then slowly gets on top or moves to the side. Again, we don’t do many positions. I don’t know if I have ever felt really desired in this relationship. I have contemplated divorce, we have no kids, cheating, or whatever, but I always stay. I have tried to have discussions with her, but she doesn’t like to talk about sex in any way, but she does say she is trying. I don’t want to sound insensitive, but that excuse was fine during our first year of marriage, but she has 11 to try and get comfortable with me. It feels like she doesn’t trust me. I just don’t know what to do anymore. am at a stage where I want kids, but I don’t want to bring in a child to a situation that is destined to fail. Honestly the other aspects of our life are pretty good, but I can’t get past this. I just want someone who wants me. I have tried hard to make a good life for us. I have gone to college, gotten a good Career, helped her through school, etc. I just don’t think it is fair that I feel like I am stuck in a prison. I just don’t know what else to do besides divorce. I am attentive, not as romantic anymore (to many times I was burned).

[d0nnivain]

Have you ever talked to her about sex outside of the bedroom? If not, you must.

 

Also consider marraige counseling before you just give up.

[kpatcox84]

We have talked quite a few times. This change for about a day and then she goes back to normal. She still has never really initiated then, but she tries just a little bit harder in bed, for that one night. When I mention it, she always gets really quiet and doesn't want to talk. If I ask a question about it she shrugs her shoulders, no matter the question. That is the only way I get a response.

[StalwartMind]

I'd say you have come to the right forum and I'm sorry to hear about your marriage not working out as you had hoped for. 11 years is a long time indeed to get comfortable with someone, granted that we are all very different beings when it comes to intimacy. What you describe does sound very sensible in the way you've suggested things. I don't get the idea that you are being pushy and it is more than likely she probably struggles with intimate acts that diverges too much from traditional positions and expectations.

 

I would believe her when she says she is trying, there is every chance it may just be something very difficult for her to adjust to. At the same time I also don't believe that it is unreasonable to suggest experimenting with new things to keep it fresh. Perhaps she is a woman who needs to do very slow transitions into none traditional ways of being intimate. It's important to understand that there most certainly are some reason behind our actions or lack there off. It's a devastating blow to consider leaving someone that you perhaps otherwise quite enjoy the company off, but reality is sometimes people who are a very good match, aren't meant to be. There can be a million different reasons as to why, and it may or may not be the case here as well.

 

While it also may not be the most appealing feature to some folks to have your partner be rather inactive during sex, there's definitely something going on in her mind. It helps being able to talk about anything with your spouse, and unless you deem it for being unrealistic, perhaps some professional help could guide you both into communicating better about issues that typically are being dodged. Timid people can lack the courage needed to overcome even small obstacles. In those cases I do believe that some strong support, even if you've known each other for such a long time, is highly recommended.

 

One last thing I do want to tell you, as I'll usually want to push people in a certain direction, but rather open their mind to all the sides of a situation. It is that you should be happy with your life, enjoy it and make sure you do your best to fulfill your dreams and desires. It is naturally unfortunate if that involves potentially hurting someone else, but truthfully I wouldn't want anyone to be with me if they are unhappy, and both you and your wife deserve the best, regardless of what is currently making you question what you have. I'm sure you've thought about this for a good bit and taking a bit more to really assess your options and what will be the best is never a bad idea.

[Babs22]

This is really difficult. Married 11 years, that is a long time. Does she have sex as often as you would like, but the only problem is she doesn't initiate and she only does it in 3 positions. Are you happy with the frequency? She obviously does not seem to enjoy sex. Does she orgasm when you have sex? If not, I can see why she might not like it. If she was a virgin when she met you and has not had an orgasm, that could be part of the problem. She sounds very shy and timid, and as though she doesn't open up to you. It would be difficult to open up to someone sexually, if you can't open up to them at all. These may be reasons to her not wanting to do more sexually with you. I think you should try marriage counseling to at least know you tried. Perhaps sex therapy might help her to learn how to open herself up. If she hasn't climaxed yet, then you might want to figure out how to make that happen. Every woman is different. I know for me, intercourse alone will never make that happen. Find out what she enjoys first and then see if you can build on that. Might not be that easy, especially if she is so shy about it, but you could try different things and see how she responds. If MC or sex therapy doesn't work, then I would divorce and find someone who is equally to you sexually.

[kpatcox84]

The frequency is ok, as long as I initiate. The issues are most of what you said, but she has had orgasms. She enjoys sex; it just seems like she doesn't want to be a part of it. Even so, in the middle, many times, she get into it and starts kissing me more, but still makes me do all the work. She has orgasms probably 75 percent of the time, mostly because I dedicate a lot of time to her. Frankly I only orgasms about that often as well, maybe less Once she gets off she is pretty much done. Even if she is giving a hand job, which I have to not only initiate but move her hand down to my penis, she is only trying to get me off by barely moving her hand up and down. She doesn't try and kiss me during, or even touch me with her other hand.

 

I would agree that MC is probably the next step. I am terrified of what will come after that though. I am in love with her, but am becoming increasingly depressed and resentful.

[autumnnight]

I would find a counselor who specializes in this and one who understands the importance of sex in marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

but am becoming increasingly depressed and resentful.

 

Neither of which have proven to be an aphrodisiac. As others have said, counseling the best chance to sort this out. I'd guess she feels pressured to be something she's not, not a comfortable position for anyone...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MJJean]

The frequency is ok, as long as I initiate. The issues are most of what you said, but she has had orgasms. She enjoys sex; it just seems like she doesn't want to be a part of it. Even so, in the middle, many times, she get into it and starts kissing me more, but still makes me do all the work. She has orgasms probably 75 percent of the time, mostly because I dedicate a lot of time to her. Frankly I only orgasms about that often as well, maybe less Once she gets off she is pretty much done. Even if she is giving a hand job, which I have to not only initiate but move her hand down to my penis, she is only trying to get me off by barely moving her hand up and down. She doesn't try and kiss me during, or even touch me with her other hand.

 

I would agree that MC is probably the next step. I am terrified of what will come after that though. I am in love with her, but am becoming increasingly depressed and resentful.

 

 

Perhaps she is so inexperienced that she doesn't know what to do to turn you on. If she was a virgin it is entirely possible she just never learned how to give a hand job or give oral very well and is reluctant to do these things because she feels bad at them. Perhaps if you taught her what you like (maybe using role playing or Dominance/submission games?) and then praised her to high heaven when she did it for you she would be more into it and more likely to initiate and really enjoy sex.

[loveboid]

Some women are just ignorant that men are sensual creatures.

 

I would make sure I was in tip top physical shape and her too. Maybe do some exciting things outside the bedroom...scary movie, hot air balloon, etc? Excitement brings couples closer together. Also I would give her lots of compliments in bed to turn her on.

[oldshirt]

some couples are sexually incompatible and simply don't do it for each other. since you were both very inexperienced when you got married, you simply didn't have the experience to know that you were incompatible sexually.

 

 

And some people are simply duds in bed, and again, the fact that you hadn't had many other previous partners you just didn't realize she didn't have the level of passion and engagement that you need.

 

 

And this may also be an attraction issue. You say that you are educated and work hard to provide a comfortable lifestyle. that is admirable and her parents and grandparents are pleased with that, but those things in and of themselves are not "sexy." You didn't mention anything about abz or biceps. Do you have any of those???

 

 

Here's the catch, women will marry a man for comfort and security and may appreciate those things about him, but they do not in and of themselves turn her on or stimulate her sexually. She may want to be married to you because you are responsible and financially successful and are nice to her. However those traits do not stimulate her sexually or turn her on to you.

 

 

ask yourself if you'd be able to pick her up in a bar or initiate an office affair with her? Would you be able to have a tryst with her if you met her on a beach if you were both on a vacation on your own as singles in some exotic, romantic location. If you both happen to be single today, would she even go on a date with you if you were to meet each other somehow?

 

 

If your honest answer to that question is no, then you need to bump up your sexy.

 

 

Some of this may be a basic, animal attraction issue. She may not be all that sexually attracted to you even though she may love you and appreciate your companionship and lifestyle.

 

 

You may be a perfect candidate for the books and website by Athol Kay.

 

 

His books are "The Married Man Sexlife Primer" and "The Mindful Attraction Plan." and the website is married man sexlife dot com. His books and website deal extensively with married men getting their sexy back and pumping up the volume in the attraction of their wives.

 

 

Check out those books and website and develop a plan to get back in shape, dress better, style better, look better, become more masculine and assertive and see if that stimulates her to pump up her volume in becoming more sexually assertive and more sexually engaged with you.

 

 

It may light her fire to a degree and make her pump it up a little bit.

 

 

Or it may not.

 

 

And if it doesn't, then you know that you have done what you could to be as attractive and sexy as possible and she doesn't respond, then it is on her. At that point you can decide if you want to keep her around any more or not. and if the answer to that is not, then you will be in a much better position to divorce her and find someone else that is attracted to you and does want to be engaged sexually with you.