Broke NC, Ex vanished, Still enjoying herself

[dumbass2]

You now feel like there is still hope after that, don't you?

[TaraMaiden2]

dumbass2, meet dumbass1.....

 

[DexterLS]

You now feel like there is still hope after that, don't you?

 

You said it, but, I know her and I can say for a fact that she doesn't feel anything for me. I know how manipulative she can be and I know she is enjoying her life over there with the new boyfriend.

 

She says she doesn't have a choice but to stay there but I promised her a job in my friend's company that can match her salary and she did not take it. She always has a choice and she made the choice to stay in Dubai and with the new boyfriend.

 

Where does that leave me? Well, I have my Masters coming up in around 5 weeks and I need to come up with a research title asap. I have a lot on my plate at work and I know EXACTLY what I need to do. The only thing that I'm proud of after all I have been through is, I never let it affect my ambitions and plans. With or without her, I'll do what I have to do.

 

dumbass2, meet dumbass1.....

 

 

... not proud of it but yes you are right

[Yummm]

Eh.. it's done now, so chin up mate, start NC again and this time you have your answers you must stop stalking her and breaking NC. You can do it, stay strong!

[elaine567]

She is now treating you like one of her gfs.

Asking your advice re her new relationship.

She, would keep you in that role forever, as what is not to like?

A person who knows her very well and a person who can support her while she navigates her new world as a single.

That sounds a fantastic deal, "friend".

[DexterLS]

She is now treating you like one of her gfs.

Asking your advice re her new relationship.

She, would keep you in that role forever, as what is not to like?

A person who knows her very well and a person who can support her while she navigates her new world as a single.

That sounds a fantastic deal, "friend".

 

You may be spot on.

 

More updates.

 

Apparently, she was not done talking. Some major points of our last conversation, 30 mins ago.

 

- She is lost, doesn't want to be in a serious relationship. Yes, she is with the other guy who is more serious in the relationship than her. I think she is lying to me about her level of commitment in the relationship.

- She tells me she just want to focus on herself. She is too unstable regarding relationships. She has thought about getting back with me several times but thinks it would just be too selfish on her part to do that.

- She admits to her mistake and knows where she went wrong but it doesn't mean she wants to get back together. She asked for forgiveness.

- She says everybody hates her because she is going out with this guy who every girls like but she told me she is humble and doesn't flaunt him with anybody. She did it with me like she wanted to rub this in my face.

- She says the guy asks several times about the future but she avoids the subject as she does not know what she wants yet. She is sleeping with him yes, but it doesn't necessarily mean she is in love with him.

 

All the while we were talking, she said multiple times she does not have any intentions in getting back with me.

 

Her instability and uncertainty with respect to her new relationship gives me hope. Should it? Listen, I know she is not right for me. She cheated on me and dumped me for someone else. But let's forget about all of this for once.

 

I don't understand why this conversation gives me hope. Somebody knock some sense into me and tell me about her behaviour. I know going forward, I need to stick with strict NC, but I need some insight about her behaviour and how this is going to be in the future.

Edited June 24, 2015 by DexterLS

[Simon Phoenix]

No, you don't need insights. You need to stop cheating and cutting corners in your recovery. This woman cheated on you, why would you be looking for hope or insight? C'mon dude.

[DexterLS]

No, you don't need insights. You need to stop cheating and cutting corners in your recovery. This woman cheated on you, why would you be looking for hope or insight? C'mon dude.

 

Hi Simon, I appreciate your response but this is exactly the type of reply I did not want. I know you are saying what you need to, to help me recover, but I need to understand her behaviour so I know where I stand. Forget the cheating, just forget it for once.

 

I need to understand her behaviour, what she is thinking, for me to get over her if necessary. So somebody, tell me what I am failing to see in this situation because I am blinded.

[Yummm]

Bro, through every thread and post of yours people have been explaining her behaviour to you and in multiple peoples threads with a similar situation to you.

 

Deep down we are pining over our ex's, but the reality is that we don't need and don't want them.

 

I could start to justify myself and say 'but wait, in my case my ex didn't cheat on me or we didn't have a toxic relationship so perhaps we really are meant for eachother??' No, we're not. I gave her all the love and attention she needed and didn't really do much wrong in the relationship, yet she still chose to remove me from her life. I don't need somebody emotionally unstable in my life. One minute loving me more than anything else and the next dropping me like a fly.

 

In your case it's even more apparent, your ex decided she wants something different, isn't emotionally stable, isn't being honest and CHEATED on you. Telling you multiple times that she does NOT want to reconcile with you, why would you want her back?

 

What she is thinking is irrelevant, none of us know the truth, all we know is that she is comfortable with having you there to talk to whenever she needs, she was with you for 6 years... she's comfortable.

 

You answered your own questions already, you know the best way to move on from this and you need to seriously give strict NC a shot for once bro.. You help alot of people, especially me at times of need by not responding and sticking to strict NC, yet you don't do the same. Perhaps listen to your gut and you'll notice your healing will improve alot more than it currently is.

[Simon Phoenix]

Hi Simon, I appreciate your response but this is exactly the type of reply I did not want. I know you are saying what you need to, to help me recover, but I need to understand her behaviour so I know where I stand. Forget the cheating, just forget it for once.

 

I need to understand her behaviour, what she is thinking, for me to get over her if necessary. So somebody, tell me what I am failing to see in this situation because I am blinded.

 

Where do you stand? She cheated on you, moved to be with another guy, and now she's treating you like you're an orbiting friendzone goof because you don't have the good sense to stop checking in on her. You keep after her, so now she's going to fill you in on her life like you're a friend. Because you must be her friend -- you keep checking in on her. That's what friends do.

 

She told you multiple times that she does not want to get back with you. Honestly, can you blame her? She betrays you in the worst possible way in terms of a romantic relationship, yet there you are, still begging for table scraps. Why would she ever go back and respect someone who doesn't have the common sense to respect themselves?

 

You need to figure out why you are clamoring for the approval of someone who stabbed you in the back. Stop trying to figure out her -- figuring out yourself is going to be a huge task in itself.

 

Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but dude....

[DexterLS]

Where do you stand? She cheated on you, moved to be with another guy, and now she's treating you like you're an orbiting friendzone goof because you don't have the good sense to stop checking in on her. You keep after her, so now she's going to fill you in on her life like you're a friend. Because you must be her friend -- you keep checking in on her. That's what friends do.

 

She told you multiple times that she does not want to get back with you. Honestly, can you blame her? She betrays you in the worst possible way in terms of a romantic relationship, yet there you are, still begging for table scraps. Why would she ever go back and respect someone who doesn't have the common sense to respect themselves?

 

You need to figure out why you are clamoring for the approval of someone who stabbed you in the back. Stop trying to figure out her -- figuring out yourself is going to be a huge task in itself.

 

Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but dude....

 

You are right. I understand completely. This is hard on me as this is my first ever relationship and it didn't end well for me. This is the first time I'm going through a breakup and well, it's one of the worst kind of breakup..

 

So, I guess, this is strict NC from now on then. I shouldn't look forward to having her in my life ever again and it doesn't look like she wants to come back either too, that was just wishful thinking from my part.

 

Thank you.

[philsach890]

Bro, through every thread and post of yours people have been explaining her behaviour to you and in multiple peoples threads with a similar situation to you.

 

Deep down we are pining over our ex's, but the reality is that we don't need and don't want them.

 

I could start to justify myself and say 'but wait, in my case my ex didn't cheat on me or we didn't have a toxic relationship so perhaps we really are meant for eachother??' No, we're not. I gave her all the love and attention she needed and didn't really do much wrong in the relationship, yet she still chose to remove me from her life. I don't need somebody emotionally unstable in my life. One minute loving me more than anything else and the next dropping me like a fly.

 

In your case it's even more apparent, your ex decided she wants something different, isn't emotionally stable, isn't being honest and CHEATED on you. Telling you multiple times that she does NOT want to reconcile with you, why would you want her back?

 

What she is thinking is irrelevant, none of us know the truth, all we know is that she is comfortable with having you there to talk to whenever she needs, she was with you for 6 years... she's comfortable.

 

You answered your own questions already, you know the best way to move on from this and you need to seriously give strict NC a shot for once bro.. You help alot of people, especially me at times of need by not responding and sticking to strict NC, yet you don't do the same. Perhaps listen to your gut and you'll notice your healing will improve alot more than it currently is.

 

This. Yummm couldnt have said it any better and hes right bro. Your really digging yourself into a hole and whatever answers your looking for your not going to find them. I spent the last 4 days angry and psychotic to the point i wanted to get on a plane and find a way to hurt her the way she did to me. I also borderline almost broke NC so many times the last week where my finger was literally on the mouse to click and open sumthing i knew would mess me up. I didnt. No matter how many times i was upset and revisited scenarios in my head or tried to search for answers, no matter how tempting it was i didnt do it. No matter how negative and and angry i got i never did it. No matter how upset and how hurt i was i never did it.

 

Moral of the story: DONT BREAK NC. It hit me today and i said to myself "bro WTF are you doing?" This is crazy and unhealthy all this negativity and thinking and searching for answers. Iv been driving myself insane. I knew that the minute i break NC by stalking and sending messages etc the minute im ****ed.

 

Bro stay strong and save yourself the hurt. I had 4 days straight of agony and pain and no matter what i just told myself get to the next day, get to the next day.

 

My heart goes out to you bro please stay strong

[DexterLS]

This. Yummm couldnt have said it any better and hes right bro. Your really digging yourself into a hole and whatever answers your looking for your not going to find them. I spent the last 4 days angry and psychotic to the point i wanted to get on a plane and find a way to hurt her the way she did to me. I also borderline almost broke NC so many times the last week where my finger was literally on the mouse to click and open sumthing i knew would mess me up. I didnt. No matter how many times i was upset and revisited scenarios in my head or tried to search for answers, no matter how tempting it was i didnt do it. No matter how negative and and angry i got i never did it. No matter how upset and how hurt i was i never did it.

 

Moral of the story: DONT BREAK NC. It hit me today and i said to myself "bro WTF are you doing?" This is crazy and unhealthy all this negativity and thinking and searching for answers. Iv been driving myself insane. I knew that the minute i break NC by stalking and sending messages etc the minute im ****ed.

 

Bro stay strong and save yourself the hurt. I had 4 days straight of agony and pain and no matter what i just told myself get to the next day, get to the next day.

 

My heart goes out to you bro please stay strong

 

Thanks man, I will try harder to stick with NC. It is the only thing I need to do.

[Yummm]

It really is man and you know it just as well as we do.

 

NC is for you, not for her. None of us know the future, so who knows what will happen? It's about the NOW and NOW you need to heal and move on, and the only way for you and most of us here is strict NC.

 

Take it day by day, nomatter how monotonous and hard it is. We're all doing it. Some days I see the light at the end of the tunnel, some days I feel miserable.

 

This 'perfect' woman works 2 minutes from me, I see her everyday, loved her morals and her family, loved everything about her, planned a family and future together and now she's gone. We could have been the perfect match. Her beautiful smile and blue eyes are now just a distant memory... My self worth is gone, I feel like I will never find someone again, I'm useless, blablabla... Dreadful thought right?

 

Look what happens when I flip it around: This woman who I gave my all to, said and did things that only someone who was emotionally unstable would do, lead me to believe that things would be forever. Treated me and my family in a way that she would be the one, got scared and dropped me like a fly. She's a coward, she even had the audacity to try tell me 'you need somebody who can look after you' and originally tried to dump me via phone call. Somebody emotionally unstable like that and so quick to run away has some serious issues and I don't need them in my life. I gave my all, I have my whole life ahead of me, am good looking, healthy and will find somebody with the qualities that I WANT AND NEED and somebody who will not run away at the first sign of problems.

 

*Phew*, suddenly I feel a whole lot better. Power of the mind!

 

Only strict NC will allow you to twist your thoughts like this bro, you need to see it from an outsider. Yes, you had a long and happy relationship, but in my case I was left in such a shock when I was at my lowest, given breadcrumbs and told that I'm still loved and cared for, but she doesn't know why but is going with her gut and 'needs out'. It's bloody painful. You, on the other hand got plenty of answers by her actions. You do not want and need her in your life.

 

Like I said, who knows the future? None of us do, focus on healing now and what the future holds you may be surprised... You're young like me, have things going for you and a whole life ahead of you.

[DexterLS]

It really is man and you know it just as well as we do.

 

NC is for you, not for her. None of us know the future, so who knows what will happen? It's about the NOW and NOW you need to heal and move on, and the only way for you and most of us here is strict NC.

 

Take it day by day, nomatter how monotonous and hard it is. We're all doing it. Some days I see the light at the end of the tunnel, some days I feel miserable.

 

This 'perfect' woman works 2 minutes from me, I see her everyday, loved her morals and her family, loved everything about her, planned a family and future together and now she's gone. We could have been the perfect match. Her beautiful smile and blue eyes are now just a distant memory... My self worth is gone, I feel like I will never find someone again, I'm useless, blablabla... Dreadful thought right?

 

Look what happens when I flip it around: This woman who I gave my all to, said and did things that only someone who was emotionally unstable would do, lead me to believe that things would be forever. Treated me and my family in a way that she would be the one, got scared and dropped me like a fly. She's a coward, she even had the audacity to try tell me 'you need somebody who can look after you' and originally tried to dump me via phone call. Somebody emotionally unstable like that and so quick to run away has some serious issues and I don't need them in my life. I gave my all, I have my whole life ahead of me, am good looking, healthy and will find somebody with the qualities that I WANT AND NEED and somebody who will not run away at the first sign of problems.

 

*Phew*, suddenly I feel a whole lot better. Power of the mind!

 

Only strict NC will allow you to twist your thoughts like this bro, you need to see it from an outsider. Yes, you had a long and happy relationship, but in my case I was left in such a shock when I was at my lowest, given breadcrumbs and told that I'm still loved and cared for, but she doesn't know why but is going with her gut and 'needs out'. It's bloody painful. You, on the other hand got plenty of answers by her actions. You do not want and need her in your life.

 

Like I said, who knows the future? None of us do, focus on healing now and what the future holds you may be surprised... You're young like me, have things going for you and a whole life ahead of you.

 

You are absolutely right man. I believe I can get through this and I believe the way forward is strict NC. I will stop all stalking from now and and just carry on with my life.

 

Let's see how this goes. Thanks again, man

[BC1980]

You need to block her on social media. That's why all of this started. You saw a pic on social media.

[ravfour4]

Hey Dexter,

 

You've read my thread I think - don't be too hard on yourself. You've been fielding to break NC for a few weeks and you finally did it, you got some closure and probably felt great talking to her for part of the conversation because when was friendly to you and she told you things aren't so peachey with the new guy. Unfortunately, that will fade and you may want to contact her again to slowly pull her towards you - I'd recommend against that. You may be able to pry her away, but it will only be temporary, she must do it on her own for it to be real.

 

As far as her telling you how good looking the guy is yada yada, that was rude of her and like others said - she is treating you like a friend and talking to you about her relationship issues. You don't want that and it sounds like you told her that. It's time to to back to NC as you mentioned and continue your road to recovery.

 

People on her always try to demonize others ex's by saying that you did everything right, she was just evil and left - it's simply not true. Unless you were deeply incompatible, there's something you could have done differently to keep her. Now, the point of saying that is not so you blame yourself or dwell on the past, but rather to realize that you can learn from this opportunity, meet a new woman and be that much more prepared to rock each other's worlds. Women want to be courted and dated on an ongoing basis - most of us guys get lazy and focus on work/school and ignore her requests for dates/attention using logic - "well, I love you babe, I'm just really busy right now, we can do that later" - as long as later isn't too late, it's fine, but if you wait too long our words sound lol empty promises and some new guy who makes her feel great can swoop her up.

 

You tell her you want to work on things, but apparently she doesn't and to call you if she changes her mind - then you leave her be. Eventually she may start thinking "oh no, he's not contacting me anymore, maybe I made the wrong decision - he did say he wanted to work on things...maybe I pushed him too far away". You're doing well so far, having some hope just means you really loved her - it doesn't mean you're a pussy.

[DexterLS]

You need to block her on social media. That's why all of this started. You saw a pic on social media.

 

Done. I'm going to leave my phone with a friend for around a month or two so I don't have access to that kind of information frequently.

 

This should really help me out.

[SankeCoffee]

You need to start valuing yourself, if you don't value yourself and think of yourself as a catch then no one else will. Seriously I know it sucks, I got my heart crushed 2 months ago, but life goes on. You need to work on self control and having more self respect.

 

I still have my exes number and she has all kinds of pics of me on her social media pages, it doesn't mean anything. Sometimes people like to keep those as a reminder, I'm kinda mad I deleted pics I had of us, this person was a big part of your life, you can't just pretend that they never were or you will never heal 100%.

 

I'm sure if you think about it, you learned a lot about relationships and more importantly about yourself while yall were together. Use this knowledge as a platform for self growth.

 

The biggest thing that helped me move on is accepting that its over, that she thought her life would be better going forward without me. When you look at it like that why would you chase and continue to pine over this girl. Walking away, never looking back, and meaning it is one of the most powerful things that we can do after a BU.

 

stay strong and get out there and enjoy life

[Itspointless]

How does that make me feel? Well, I got some stuff I badly wanted to say off my chest and I'm glad I did it. It's not closure, per se but I have been dying to do this. [...] Did this little experience set me back? Definitely, but not as much as it would have done 6-8 weeks ago. This goes further to prove that strict NC is the way to go if you want to heal yourself after a breakup.

Does it? I think you needed this for your healing.

[BC1980]

I've come to believe that most attempts to breakup NC are due to denial. It's a way to put off having to deal with the pain of finality. I don't advocate breaking it, but, sometimes, you have to do it to learn. To realize what is on the other side of breaking NC.

[Yummm]

I agree with BC1980. Once I finally deleted my ex from my phone and facebook, finality really hit home. It hurt for a couple days, but over the past few weeks has really helped my healing. It's the best way to move on, it really is the best of both worlds.

 

Like I stated before, we never know what will happen in the future, when/if we bump into our ex's what will happen. Or when enough time has passed whether or not a relationship in the future is possible, but NC gives you the time to feel indifferent whilst gives them the time to realise what life is like without you being their doormat.

 

Albeit painful and needs alot of self control, NC is a pretty empowering feeling, especially when the ex reaches out with breadcrumbs.

[DexterLS]

Hi guys,

 

Thanks a lot for the amazing responses as always.

 

I have decided to give away my phone for a while to my friend. I will no longer have access to her social media accounts and as such I won't do anything that will hinder my NC progress.

 

I guess, this is the only thing left to do. Thank you all.

[DexterLS]

Well I didn't know it would happen but I'm 100% responsible for her getting in touch.

 

The last time I talked to her, I used a photo as a stupid pretext to talk to her. Turns out, a few hours after I sent her the message, her friend deactivated her fb (nothing related) and she failed to see it.

 

Now that she re-activated her profile, she contacts me. The conversation.

 

Her: "Hello Dexter. I hope you are fine. Just to let you know, I have checked the profile and there is no such picture of us. "

Me: I send her the photo link. Nothing else in this message.

Her: "Oops I’m sorry I don’t know why I can’t see it. I don’t mind it’s there."

Me: I send her a screenshot of my window and nothing else in the message.

Her: "Yes I saw it. "

Me: "Will you get it taken down?"

Her: "I can not ask her this. If you really want it down, ask her yourself BUT remember she is my colleague. Well, I understand your girlfriend might mind if she sees it."

Me: "Ok thanks, take care"

Her: "I appreciate your understanding. I’m totally fine with that picture of us. Just can’t believe we are fighting like before for simple things and I know it’s on purpose because I will miss you!! Anyways I’m off to sleep. Take care you too and study well."

Me: "Alright bye "

Her: " "

 

I didn't reply to her last message because I know how this is going to end. I also don't understand why she would contact me about the photo if she had no intention of talking to her friend anyway?

 

You can also see that she mentions that my "girlfriend" might be angry. Did she want to know if I have someone in my life?

 

Am I over-analysing all of this?

[Simon Phoenix]

Well I didn't know it would happen but I'm 100% responsible for her getting in touch.

 

The last time I talked to her, I used a photo as a stupid pretext to talk to her. Turns out, a few hours after I sent her the message, her friend deactivated her fb (nothing related) and she failed to see it.

 

Now that she re-activated her profile, she contacts me. The conversation.

 

Her: "Hello Dexter. I hope you are fine. Just to let you know, I have checked the profile and there is no such picture of us. "

Me: I send her the photo link. Nothing else in this message.

Her: "Oops I’m sorry I don’t know why I can’t see it. I don’t mind it’s there."

Me: I send her a screenshot of my window and nothing else in the message.

Her: "Yes I saw it. "

Me: "Will you get it taken down?"

Her: "I can not ask her this. If you really want it down, ask her yourself BUT remember she is my colleague. Well, I understand your girlfriend might mind if she sees it."

Me: "Ok thanks, take care"

Her: "I appreciate your understanding. I’m totally fine with that picture of us. Just can’t believe we are fighting like before for simple things and I know it’s on purpose because I will miss you!! Anyways I’m off to sleep. Take care you too and study well."

Me: "Alright bye "

Her: " "

 

I didn't reply to her last message because I know how this is going to end. I also don't understand why she would contact me about the photo if she had no intention of talking to her friend anyway?

 

You can also see that she mentions that my "girlfriend" might be angry. Did she want to know if I have someone in my life?

 

Am I over-analysing all of this?

 

Yes. Stop this. Leave it be. Stop being your own worst enemy.