Severe abuse, how do I move on?

[dreamingoftigers]

No I don't, although he lives an hour away some of his friends have moved into my town.

I didn't put in the above either that he accused ME of sleeping with gay and female friends, and I was stupid if I didn't see that they wanted me. If I contacted him I was either shouted at or ignored but if i didn't contact him first daily I was nasty. After abortion I was accused of sleeping with other men still as normal, and if I tried to ignore him when he was bullying ME I was evil and trying to hurt him, but If I answered I was a liar. I had to send screen shots and pictures near on daily of who Id spoken to and to prove i was at home. I feel like all I ever did was reassure and prove my worth to him when he was the one who betrayed ME in every way. I wasn't even allowed to talk anout babies at all ever in any context even a week after the second one in three months :-(

 

I can't understmad why im so upset about the thought of him never contacting ME again when all he did is cause me pain and blame me.

 

The up and down from these relationships takes such a psychological toll on you that they become addictive.

 

The abuser (consciously or not) flattens your self-esteem so much that you become hooked on the validation from them. To the point where you allow yourself to become somewhat blinded to their other escalating behaviour.

 

When things are good, you only see the good, the converse is also true.

 

When things are horrible, which they often are, you will do anything to get validated by him (like a random reward system) that you will do whatever he asks or even reach out to him.

 

1. Realize that this is an addictive pattern. It wasn't something you asked for. But you DO NEED HELP RIGHT AWAY breaking the cycle. YOU NEED HELP to do it. He will at some point do something that validates you or the relationship in the slightest and you will see rainbows and unicorns. Remember, unicorns don't exist and there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

 

2. This man is violent. GET AWAY FROM HIM NOW. He is escalating and increasingly disturbing. GET OUT and find a way to break the cycle immediately. Stop caring if he finds you likeable or kind. He will never consistently reassure you of ANYTHING. You know this from your history. You can also know this from the pattern of abuse. Every good thing is followed by a deep, dark pit that will only bring you sheer misery.

 

3. You will grieve this relationship. That IS OKAY> ENDINGS ARE SAD even when they need to happen. But in order to let something good and wholesome into your life, you need to let go of this dangerous, unhealthy thing. You can't eat 6 pounds of McDonald's and have room for salad. Stop eating at the Abusive Relationship Drive-Thru so that you can instead find a healthier relationship (with yourself and others) that you can partake in.

 

DO NOT BE HARD ON YOURSELF ABOUT THIS> you tried and you tried your best. This was not about how you "failed" or "didn't care enough."

His behaviour is SO out-of-line with how men generally treat women, and that is entirely on him. He had problems, very very deep problems that you CANNOT fix with him.

 

He took the courses and didn't get the message that he still wasn't supposed to hurt you even if he did it with a lowered volume. It's still hurting you. He still emotionally tortures you and gives him the occasional thrill of being in control. That's what his "fix" is. He doesn't properly deal with his own emotions and then craps his anger and insecurity on you. Not OKay. NOt ever okay.

 

PLAN YOUR LEAVING. DETACH as much as you can before you go. reread this thread a whole bunch. Stop trying to fix it. He broke it. HE DID. He made choices that broke your relationship absolutely. And not once, and not "by accident" but through systematic psychological abuse.

[dreamingoftigers]

EMDR therapy helps immensely with the trauma.

 

You've been traumatized. You aren't obsessing about this because you are "so deeply in love."

 

Your brain will play the trauma tapes over and over and sap your energy until you get it resolved and acknowledged. Time and no contact help a lot, but EMDR was a Godsend.

[Pickimgupthepeices]

Thank you everyone for your support, you have given me strength and insight to the answers I already knew. I don't need validation from him, you've all gave me it.

 

As suggested I am re reading these posts to remember what he treated me like, and remember a few more things, like using my private pics as profile pics to upset me, pulling me in just to break up with me, God the list goes on :-(

 

I did answer today after 100 plus calls from last night, heard his sorrys and excuses then for berated for not being loving and accepting enough or making enough effort, then tried to punish me more my by repeating his break up speach to my reply was, you really are mental, I don't want to be with you anymore, please don't try to pull me back in at any point or ring and txt me from withheld numbers ever again. I will not tolerate your behaviour anymore. I will be changing my number and moving and never looking back.

 

And thanks to you amazing people that is exactly what i will do. I am back at work, I will get the help needed to move on and I will never think bad of myself for his actions again

Thank you all!!

[Qboro90]

Glad to hear you are moving forward. However I caution you to police yourself and not give in to his 100+ phone calls just to tell him "you're over him and not to contact you again". He will not stop. If he knows you will pick up or call him back if he calls you 100 times, then he will call you 100 times bc he knows eventually you'll talk. You're falling into that trap. He sounds sociopathic so while you may think you are making progress by telling him what you said above, just know that none of what you say to him is even registering in his brain. In one ear out the other, he'll yes to to death just so he can get what's on his mind off. No contact ever again no matter what. I Strongly recommend getting a restraining order and then involving authorities if he breaks that order of protection.

[Pickimgupthepeices]

Oh yes and I nearly forgot telling ME all about the new baby of his friends due the same time ours was. I'm sure that was deliberate, as I couldn't talk about babies or what Id gone through from the moment I got out of hospital, not even in a abstract sense of explaining that it had taken a toll on my heart. He really is a sick person! I cant believe I never even noticed these Subtle attacks to my soul.

 

I won't be answering again believe me, and I hope he doesn't try again either-

 

-qboro, anti social, borderline or narcissistic.... The comment before is right. He is cancer.

Edited June 8, 2015 by Pickimgupthepeices

[summerdowling87]

I hope you stay away from him and just remember.

 

This person has abused you verbally and physically and mentally.

This person has cheated on you who knows how many times.

This person is controlling and is angry if you don't do what you're told.

This person don't not respect you or love you if he did none of the above would or could happen.

 

My father beat my mom and he tried to kill me she has him arrested and never went back. You can do it to.

[goldway90]

The power of trauma boding/Stockholm Syndrome is just something else, it's an addiction you can't ever get away from it. It will take a lot to break that bond but reading through your posts i do believe that you're going to make it, with a great support system and with your knowledge you'll get through this.

 

"One of the earliest lessons I learned from abused women is that to understand abuse you can't look just at the explosions, you have to examine with equal care the spaces between the explosions. The dynamics of these periods tell us as much about the abuse as the rages or the thrown objects, as the disgusting name-calling or the jealous accusations. The abuser's thinking and behavior during the calmer periods are what cause his big eruptions that wound or frighten. ...Therapists often try to work with an abuser by analyzing his responses to disagreements and trying to get him to handle conflicts differently. But such an approach misses the point. His abusiveness was what caused the tension to begin with."

 

Taken from a book called "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" By Lundy Bancroft. People should get this book it will give you a great insight on how the abuse works. This his Free blog you can read some articles that will help you cope Healing and Hope

[turnera]

How on earth do I stop wishing for him to contact me when I know anyone that he's a bad person and I'm better off.

By finding a good psychologist and going to visit her every.single.week for at least 5 or 6 months.

 

And by reading this book - the bible on abuse - over and over every time you feel weak. It's the same book goldway recommended.

Edited June 12, 2015 by turnera

[spiderowl]

I wonder if some of your difficulty in resisting this guy is that volatile people are passionate; they are passionate for you (they love you, think the world of you, get jealous, etc.) and passionate against you (anger, bullying, intimidation, beating). Passion feels exciting and captivating (well it is, literally), and seems so much more alive and animated than a boring, normal, steady relationship. Normal seems boring and lacking after spending time with someone passionate and enthusiastic.

 

Unfortunately, the bad side of passion is what you need to get away from, but the pull is towards the good side of him (which seems to have diminished altogether. It is well known that push/pull relationships are quite addictive. Intermittent reinforcement is addictive (videogame designers and gambling equipment designers are well aware of this). I suppose a push/pull relationship like you've experienced can be addictive. You know he is a nightmare but still you can't help but seek that bit of good there and occasionally you get it. IMost of the time you get knocked back, but that one sliver of niceness seems worth aiming at, while you are trapped in that mindset. Also, it is more exciting than the boring guy next door.

[travelbug1996]

I'm a survivor of a severely abusive relationship. I left him 20 years ago and my life has never been better. You will leave when you decide that you don't want to live this way. You have the power to change your life and I pray that you will. I didn't have a support group like LS when I was in the cycle of abuse. I just got tired.

 

I pray that you will get tired.

 

God Bless You (((HUGS)))

[LuckyLady13]

Wow. I just saw this thread now and it's been a little while since the original post. If you're still stuck in a trap with this guy, please do continue to post and don't think that if you went back that you're a bad person or making mistakes that are too embarrassing to admit to.

 

There are people who responded to you that I so wholeheartedly agree with. Their explanations as to why you're stuck in this push/pull and why you feel the need for validation from this guy. You are stuck in a cycle of abuse but I think just your first post about this here shows you are growing tired of this situation and you are getting yourself together. Especially in a situation like yours, it takes a lot of courage and strength to do what's best for you and it takes some time. If it were easy, you'd have been gone from this guys life a long time ago.

 

You don't love this guy. He's dropped your self-esteem so low, and then you became addicted to seeking validation from him but in reality, the validation you really need (not just feel a want for) is from you!

[Pickimgupthepeices]

Thanks lucky lady. Yeah I have been embarrassed. Cause I did give in to the phone calls and texts and Yep I believed him cause he really was making the effort. I even overlooked an incident while he was drunk and unruly. But surprise surprise I was being too cold and not making enough effort for him in the three short weeks that he had broken up with me again and joined a dating site. I was having trouble being as loving as he wanted and reassuring all the time.... (Daily)

 

And cause yes I got upset and said I didn't want to be with him twice during arguments... That I believe he caused by pushing and questioning and poking at me and myself snapping (not badly just as much as anyone would being provoked after everything) he wants a fresh start and it took me too long to say sorry (I only said this cause I'm a good person and knew what it felt like to feel unloved, I can understand what it feels like to be in someone else's shoes as I can imagine myself as them) and that he told me if I ever said anything like that again then that would be it and I made my choice! Took him 15 hours to tell me this mind after pretending everything was going to be ok.

 

I feel stupid and I feel rejected by the person I forgave everything he did. I even said to him so when should it have been too late for me to take you back? At which point should it have been too much?

 

Said for the two days he's been getting drunk, and crying. But spoke to me with such coldness. And that he knows he broke up with me last month and got on a dating site but oh well I've been fed up with making an effort and you being a bitch (I haven't in the slightest) And basically put it on me. In my eyes and experience of how I've reacted to his hundreds of breaking up with me and then phoning days later until I speak and listen to him that if he was that upset and meant any of the loving things he said then he wouldn't be so cold already. I couldn't let someone I love wait 15 hours after telling id speak to them later when I knew I didn't want to be with them, and I wouldn't have ever spoken to him with such coldness when he would ring to get me back cause I actually did care. Had the nerve to say to me that he couldn't do anything with his friends!! He always did whatever he wanted! And I never stopped him.

 

Actually now I know he's done me a favour. I'm always ok after a few days and want to move on when he leaves me it's just when I leave him I feel guilty cause I do love him. But the things he said tell me he's done me a favour!!

 

Let the healing begin!!