Wife left me. Tried to move on but in a tough spot

[I Just Wanna b Happy]

Been married since 2004. Two kids: Boy 5 and girl 10. Wife moved out at the beginning of May. This wasn't a surprise as our marriage has had issues for years. Not sleeping in the same bed, lack of sex and intimacy, "I love you" talk gone, etc. We both failed to sit down and figure out ways to improve our marriage. We just went about out lives. Back in 2013, I noticed my wife started to gain weight. I scratched my head and wondered what the heck was going on. I eventually found out she was having an affair and got pregnant. I was furious. I unloaded on her and she moved in with her grandparents. Eventually, we reconciled (stupid, I know) and she came back. Things were ok for a while but then things went back to "normal".

 

She moved out in May. We were looking to take time away and see if things would get better. I beg her repeatedly to come back. One day she came by the house and I went to see my kids (who were waiting in her car). Her phone was there bleeping repeatedly (indicating she was getting text messages). I look at it and see all these lovy dovy text messages to some male. I ask her who it is and she says its the guy who knocked her up. I guess she's in love with this guy (did I mention he didn't even go to the hospital the day the kid was born?). Combine this with her cold attitude since she moved out and I'm basically done. It hurts like hell because I still love her (don't know why).

 

Just started NC/minimal contact on Friday and plan to see a lawyer next week. I had no plans of contacting her (outside of kid accommodations) but something came up. She was suppose to pick up the kids Yesterday, didn't do so and didnt even call or text to inform them why. Woke up this morning and my 10 year old daughter was crying over this. I am ANGRY. I want to call her, find out why she didn't come and explain how her selfish behavior is hurting my daughter. I also want to remain NC/minimal contact. A part of me also want to find out if she was with that loser this weekend and beg her to come back. I'm sick and need help. Don't see my therapist until tomorrow. Please give me some advice.

[d0nnivain]

You need to let your anger subside before you call. You do have to call so your daughter knows at least one parent is on her side.

 

Try not to yell. You will have to bite your tongue but this is about your kids.

[Methodical]

In this case, you are def. going to have to maintain a minimal amount of necessary contact for the sake of your children. You have to love them more than you hate/despise her.

 

As hard as it is going to be, TRY to take the high road and speak in a cordial tone and manner, especially in the presence of your children. Remember, they are in flux too. All of a sudden, mom and dad don't live together and they have two homes, two sets of rules, etc.

 

They need a stable environment, one where they feel safe and can confide without fear of backlash. And if they see/hear you unloading your wrath upon their mother, they'll become withdrawn and fear confiding in you, and you don't want that.

 

What I'm suggesting is A MIGHTY TALL ORDER, I know. But seriously, take time to consider my opinion, and look at the situation thru the eyes of your young children.

 

Save the mudslinging for when the children aren't around, because there will be some nasty conversations no matter how hard you try to avoid them.

 

Good luck and keep us post!

[No Limit]

Quit thinking of her as the person she was before her affair. That person is dead, she now prefers to have sex with deadbeats and have children to keep them around for longer than the average affair period. But should she ever withdraw so far to the point where she neglects your kids you should think about gearing up lawyer-wise to get custody. Good job on the minimised-contact-part.

[I Just Wanna b Happy]

Quit thinking of her as the person she was before her affair. That person is dead, she now prefers to have sex with deadbeats and have children to keep them around for longer than the average affair period. But should she ever withdraw so far to the point where she neglects your kids you should think about gearing up lawyer-wise to get custody. Good job on the minimised-contact-part.

 

 

As much as this hurts, this is the truth. She is definitely not the person she was. I need to accept this and go strict minimal contact. Its just so dam hard to do when it shouldn't considering the trifling things she done....

[whichwayisup]

You are the stable parent now and your kids need your love and TLC. Your wife is messed up, who knows what the F has happened to her but you're right, she isn't the person you thought she was.

 

I eventually found out she was having an affair and got pregnant.

Is she still pregnant?

 

Talk to a lawyer, document everything - Record phone calls, keep all emails and texts from her.

 

She's proven right now to be an unreliable parent, she's selfish and not thinking of anybody but herself and her needs.

[sandylee1]

Most men I know couldn't stand to have a constant reminder of their wife's infidelity around them every day. I think you have to realise she doesn't love you any more. Don't beg her and from herein, just see her as the mother of your children. She is a poor excuse for a mother with her current behaviour.

 

Focus on you and your children clearly this marriage is dead . Don't let a woman bring you to start begging. It only gives them the upper hand and she doesn't deserve it with you.

 

It doesn't seem like you dealt with the affair at all before . Your wife sounds like she has deep routed problems but leave her to deal with them. Focus on you and your children.

[I Just Wanna b Happy]

Most men I know couldn't stand to have a constant reminder of their wife's infidelity around them every day. I think you have to realise she doesn't love you any more. Don't beg her and from herein, just see her as the mother of your children. She is a poor excuse for a mother with her current behaviour.

 

Focus on you and your children clearly this marriage is dead . Don't let a woman bring you to start begging. It only gives them the upper hand and she doesn't deserve it with you.

 

It doesn't seem like you dealt with the affair at all before . Your wife sounds like she has deep routed problems but leave her to deal with them. Focus on you and your children.

 

I agree and I have no clue why I allowed her and the child to come back. I loved the child like my own. Hug him, changed his pamper, fed him. When she left, I begged. Last night she basically said she was enjoying her "solo" life and didn't see this marriage being fixed. I should be happy after all that was done, but I'm not. I'm empty, lonely and extremely sad. I have a therapy appt. today so hopefully I can get some insight on how to move on. It's so darn hard. I just want to move one and escape this pain. I need to do this for my kids..

[Mr. Lucky]

Is she still pregnant?

 

Looks like she had the baby based on this:

 

(did I mention he didn't even go to the hospital the day the kid was born?).

 

I Just Wanna b Happy, you've gotten good advice and are up against the main challenge facing many divorcing parents - the stability needed by your kids vs. the drama from an exiting spouse.

 

Focus on your end. Be steady, consistent, patient and constant. Know your STBX will do what she'll do so even more pressure on you to be the rock. Think long-term gain, forget the short-term pain from these interactions with her. Keep posting, better days are ahead...

 

Mr. Lucky

[I Just Wanna b Happy]

Looks like she had the baby based on this:

 

 

 

I Just Wanna b Happy, you've gotten good advice and are up against the main challenge facing many divorcing parents - the stability needed by your kids vs. the drama from an exiting spouse.

 

Focus on your end. Be steady, consistent, patient and constant. Know your STBX will do what she'll do so even more pressure on you to be the rock. Think long-term gain, forget the short-term pain from these interactions with her. Keep posting, better days are ahead...

Mr. Lucky

 

Great advice. As hard as it is right now, I know that this is what must be down. No self-pity. I must prepare for the future because like sure as hell isn't gonna stop because I'm in pain. Thx for the advice...

[Mr. Lucky]

The routine can actually be a source of comfort and solace, Good day or bad, got to get up tomorrow, make breakfast and get kids off to school. Lots of little victories to be had along the way.

 

Oft quoted saying says "life is what happens while you're making plans to do other things". I'm sure you were planning for something else but life has happened. The real test of manhood is the ability to be the tentpole, let others drive the stakes. Stay strong...

 

Mr. Lucky

[unrequitedluv]

the feeling of knowing that person does not worth your love and still wanting her to be back sucks!

 

I am in your situation now.

You are not alone.

 

My husband cheated on me and left me alone with 2kids +1 on the way.

 

I only can say, it depend on how much you really want her back.

 

give yourself 1 month to think it through.

appease your kids by bringing them out buying them toys. tell them mum is out for business trip for a month.

 

Then you decide what you should do.

[tobrieornottobrie]

That's such a difficult situation. I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with and that you are hurting. You mentioned that you had plans to see a therapist, how did that go? Are you planning on doing any family counseling with your kids? I'm wishing you the best, hang in there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[I Just Wanna b Happy]

the feeling of knowing that person does not worth your love and still wanting her to be back sucks!

 

I am in your situation now.

You are not alone.

 

My husband cheated on me and left me alone with 2kids +1 on the way.

 

I only can say, it depend on how much you really want her back.

 

give yourself 1 month to think it through.

appease your kids by bringing them out buying them toys. tell them mum is out for business trip for a month.

 

Then you decide what you should do.

 

Yes. It absolutely sucks loving somebody who isn't freaking worth it.

[I Just Wanna b Happy]

That's such a difficult situation. I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with and that you are hurting. You mentioned that you had plans to see a therapist, how did that go? Are you planning on doing any family counseling with your kids? I'm wishing you the best, hang in there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

 

Yes, I seen a therapist on Monday. It was my second visit. It went well. Since yesterday, my lust for my trifling stbx is fading fast. I'll give myself a month before I've almost moved on completely (i hope). I am still deciding whether I want counseling for the kids.