Author gettingstronger Posted June 7, 2015 Author Share Posted June 7, 2015 That's why I suggested living apart during the work week.......if he doesn't want to do that, and you won't move for the sake of his career, then there won't be a compromise in terms of location, it is either here or there, and one of you has to give in. I'm fine with that, he is not. Hope it becomes a mutual decision rather than someone giving in. No one is issuing ultimatums or anything. I think what it highlights is how much infidelity changes the BS and how surprising it was to him. He also feels badly that it's his behavior that has changed me. Not that his remorse in that area does me much good now. I'd rather be the old easy going not so jaded me. I miss her, she was awesome! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 So, in your opinion, each time there's a difference in opinions, OP must fold to avoid that he cheats again? Sounds like an unbalanced relationship to me. No she doesn't have to fold all the time, but she has to consider the implications of her actions. He has already stepped out of the marriage, she only has the "power" over him, IF he wants to stay married. IF she makes things difficult, he can just leave, especially now the children are grown up. Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 I'm fine with that, he is not. Hope it becomes a mutual decision rather than someone giving in. No one is issuing ultimatums or anything. I think what it highlights is how much infidelity changes the BS and how surprising it was to him. He also feels badly that it's his behavior that has changed me. Not that his remorse in that area does me much good now. I'd rather be the old easy going not so jaded me. I miss her, she was awesome! So preaffair you would have silently packed your bags and moved to crap land? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 So preaffair you would have silently packed your bags and moved to crap land? I guess preaffair she would have looked at the job, looked at the promotion, looked at the extra money, looked at how it may benefit the family(football perhaps), looked at it long-term, a step to greater things maybe, and decided to take a chance that it wasn't as bad as it appeared on first sight. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gettingstronger Posted June 7, 2015 Author Share Posted June 7, 2015 I've never silently done anything. But pre affair my needs would have been much further down the list for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gettingstronger Posted June 7, 2015 Author Share Posted June 7, 2015 Also, my definition of crappy has changed too. I'm not as easy going as I once was. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 I've never silently done anything. But pre affair my needs would have been much further down the list for sure. Also, my definition of crappy has changed too. I'm not as easy going as I once was. I don't know, it seems you are blaming the affair. And though it may be forefront on your mind you would have either moved or not. But since your husband isn't making a big deal out of this, why are you so bothered? Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 Also, my definition of crappy has changed too. I'm not as easy going as I once was. harder to please? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gettingstronger Posted June 7, 2015 Author Share Posted June 7, 2015 Not so sure I'm bothered. Just discussing with others ramifications of affairs and how they creep in to everyday life. It does seem to pop up at odd times and in things seemingly unrelated even several years later. Bothersome, maybe- surprising and unfortunate- you bet! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gettingstronger Posted June 7, 2015 Author Share Posted June 7, 2015 harder to please? Day to day? No. Big picture, probably. But maybe we are defining hard to please. I have good reason to be protective of me, I feel. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 Day to day? No. Big picture, probably. But maybe we are defining hard to please. I have good reason to be protective of me, I feel. So your not wanting to move is because he cheated. Not because you have lived eleven years where you are at. And the place in question is the opposite of everything you are attracted to. But before he cheated, you would have given up what you liked and put him first. You might not have even thought about the place being crappy. I understand not wanting to be selfless to someone who was so selfish as to cheat. But as he neither seems to be pushing for it or seeing it as a "my way or the highway" I would think there is nothing wrong with not just silently giving in and moving regardless of the affair. Why would someone's job come first before home and roots and being content where you are at? money isn't everything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gettingstronger Posted June 7, 2015 Author Share Posted June 7, 2015 I agree money isn't everything but I think you're missing the point and intent of my original post. Is there something about me that bothers you? I'm trying to determine why you are taking a stance against pretty much everything I've said. What is it about me you want me to see or understand from your POV? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 Part of changing is recognizing and acknowledging the ways in which we have changed or view things. I think it is perfectly healthy to have your own personal view on this, outside of your husbands work life. If your quality of life suffers, so that he gets a promotion....is it fair to ask that of you? Acknowledging truths...is also...not living in the past or holding it over your husbands head. You have changed. The affair changed your views of self and marriage. I think it shows how much you have grown (self), where you no longer automatically think of how good this will be for your husband and dismiss your costs. For someone whose easy-going, trusting nature was taken advantage of...by the very person who was supposed to be protecting you...to put themselves in that position again...is fool-hearty. Evaluating how this effects all the moving parts in the family is a much more balanced approach. Whatever you decide, it is good to know, that you have put yourself in the discussion..with the same importance of the promotion. Our job/s should never define us. It is what we do...not who we are. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 (edited) I agree money isn't everything but I think you're missing the point and intent of my original post. Is there something about me that bothers you? I'm trying to determine why you are taking a stance against pretty much everything I've said. What is it about me you want me to see or understand from your POV? I'm just curious about what you have said. You said it was a no brainer in the OP that you would have moved but because he cheated you are being selfish and don't want to go at this point. But then you also said you moved a lot and where you are now is the longest you've stayed in one place (11 years). I'm not sure how many times you have moved but most people who move a lot make it only 5 years. I don't know if this was your average before but to stay 11 years after frequently moving I would think cause anyone to put down roots. And you also added that this other place is completely undesirable to you and where you are is basically considered eden. So what is it? Is it really just a desire to stay where you are but you feel guilty about it and so you are using the affair card? Or before the affair were you such a slave to your husband thinking of your own needs wouldn't have happened (you said they would have been low on the list... But that still means they would have come up and moving would have been something you wouldn't have done because it is obvious this place is not your dream location). So my questions were challenging the assumption this is all about you being selfish because he cheated. But rather it is the fact he was offered a promotion, you don't like the location, he isn't hell bent on going, and so you don't want to go. Not so much, he cheated and now you don't want to move. So, did is affair make you actually value your own opinion on things. Get a back bone? Or is it just the scape goat in your mind? Edited June 7, 2015 by Noirek Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 It doesn't sound like you need the money, so why do it? There is a point in which "more" does not necessarily make you happier. I've seen studies on this. The A has nothing to do with it. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 I agree money isn't everything but I think you're missing the point and intent of my original post. Is there something about me that bothers you? I'm trying to determine why you are taking a stance against pretty much everything I've said. What is it about me you want me to see or understand from your POV? I understand where you're coming from . Initially you would have sacrificed your personal desires /living location for his career now after infidelity , you're thinking a lot more about yourself. It's not as easy as saying 'it's been 2.5 years get over it', to say that is minimising and failing to recognise the pain of infidelity. It changes life and just because you choose to reconcile doesn't mean you roll over and accept everything like the affair never happened. Nobody gets to tell anyone else when they should be 'over' an affair. You never forget it, but learn to live with it because the good outweighs the bad. These feelings are totally normal and unfortunately an affair makes you question so many things you probably wouldn't have before . You have these nagging feelings that yes -I'll move across the country and leave the place I like behind for your career , but you can't help knowing this man risked it all and cheated on me should I really just up and move. I know a promotion betters the family but it's HIS career at the end of the day. The OPs feelings are what a WS should realise are as a result of their betrayal. It's good your H recognised his infidelity has changed you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 I see absolutely nothing wrong with just for ONCE, considering your own needs. As you've said, your entire marriage has been about putting your needs last while always going wherever your husband wanted to go. I applaud you. Affair or not, it's high time you finally recognized your OWN needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gettingstronger Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 Thanks all- it is interesting, pre-A I never considered it putting others before myself-I was just the kind of person that saw the upside in everything- I never once felt like I was sacrificing anything- I know that looking at it in hindsight means I am re-writing the martial history- Examples- old me- moving? That sounds fun and I need to do a purge anyway-it will be awesome to clean out the basement, closets, etc new me- ugh, really- we have to move all this stuff old me- XYZ location- it will be nice to not have to clear the driveway and we will have extra room in the garage without the snow blower- It will also give me a good excuse to spend extended time in the mtns in the summer new me- jeez, I will miss the snow and weekends in the mtns Even my everyday life shows signs of this- the tree guy came by yesterday-Sunday-at 330 to get started on the trees- old me- wow, what a hard worker thats awesome new me- he must be a junkie that needs some quick cash for a fix I miss the old me, she was nice- Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 I think you will end up moving. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 I think you will end up moving. I hope not. I think it is a recipe for disaster. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gettingstronger Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 On the move- last night we talked and today he is going to explore options and get additional info like- why does this position require a move from the corp headquarters- what does the travel look like- he travels 60% now so if its less, we could add in trips home and the net result would be the same amount of time away- are there other options for advancement that do not require a move- is there corp housing there where he could stay free It was nice to partner on this like we did before- exploring options and putting together a game plan- My gut says I will not move and in the end neither will he- we do love it here and sometimes thats the best reason to stay- 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 I think you will end up moving. Why? It sounds like the only perk is a promotion. And as most of us know money earned from a promotion is eaten up as fast as it is made. So it would hardly be worth both of them moving to an area they don't like. If her H is good enough to be noted now there is likely a chance something will come up in a more desirable area or he'll get one where he is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 I miss the old me, she was nice- That's the sad thing about being betrayed it can change a lot about you but sometimes a stronger tougher you is better . You feel there will be no more being taken for granted . I'll bet your H so wishes he never stepped out , because it really wasn't worth it. Like your username you certainly are 'Gettingstonger' Some refer to their new found toughness as 'getting their bitch boots on '. The difference an unfaithful spouse has on your whole person is very far reaching. Stay strong. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 That's the sad thing about being betrayed it can change a lot about you but sometimes a stronger tougher you is better . You feel there will be no more being taken for granted . I'll bet your H so wishes he never stepped out , because it really wasn't worth it. Like your username you certainly are 'Gettingstonger' Some refer to their new found toughness as 'getting their bitch boots on '. The difference an unfaithful spouse has on your whole person is very far reaching. Stay strong. Personal responsibility be hanged! One can be too nice for sure. But one can be a nice person but firm. It is how we navigate parenting. One still has a choice in the actions they take even if their thoughts and feelings are out of their control. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Why? It sounds like the only perk is a promotion. And as most of us know money earned from a promotion is eaten up as fast as it is made. Makes sense, my W and I both agree one of the biggest mistakes we made was accepting a promotion and moving from Sun to Snow country. We were financially better off but miserable. And by the time we were able to return to the desired area, changes in housing market and other factors made the whole adventure a net loss. Some things have a value you can't measure in $$$... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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