beatcuff Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Not so sure I'm bothered. Just discussing with others ramifications of affairs and how they creep in to everyday life. It does seem to pop up at odd times and in things seemingly unrelated even several years later. ... OP, it is sad you relate everything to the A when this has nothing to do with it but it does. prior the A, your M was: he said 'jump' you said 'how high'. the A started a process in which you realized you were a part of the M, even if only a small (but i suspect closer to equal). so while in the past his promotion and move was a 'done deal' NOW your input is sought and considered. i think its a good start he is inquiring exactly what his new job will entail (travel, etc). then BOTH of you need to decide what is best for the ENTIRE family. so sad your children, while mentioned in the OP, have been almost exclusively ignored as you have been caught up in the A tornado. asking a high school junior (assume senior this fall) to move will be VERY stressful. i for one would pass. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gettingstronger Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 I'm confused about the references to me being submissive to my husband. Jump, how high? Not really, it was more like jump, yep that sounds fun lets do it. I think the point I've been making is the changes in me, while previously everything had an upside and I was pretty much up for anything, I am now a bit jaded. I'll try not to go momma bear on you about references to my kids. I will say I find myself extremely lucky to have talented, well adjusted kids that could make a life for themselves any place. He will be a junior and his only concern was a commuter marriage because he'd miss his Dad. I make no apologies admitting the affair has changed me and yes, it plays a larger role in my life than I want it to. I'm human, I've been hurt , it effects me, no shame in that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I make no apologies admitting the affair has changed me and yes, it plays a larger role in my life than I want it to. I'm human, I've been hurt , it effects me, no shame in that. 2.5 years is nothing when it comes to trying to deal with an affair and rebuild what trust you can; and it probably will never be the way it was before the affair. That is on him. You owe your husband no apologies for not trusting him again like before the affair. In your first post you said that your "husband thinks that maybe it means" that you are "not all in". Of course you are not all in, but that is because of something that he did, and not you. When you have an affair, the cheated on must deal with the fact that they have a spouse that has proven that they cannot be trusted, and the cheater must deal with the fact that they have proven to be untrustworthy. Not pretty but true. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I'm confused about the references to me being submissive to my husband. Jump, how high? Not really, it was more like jump, yep that sounds fun lets do it. I think the point I've been making is the changes in me, while previously everything had an upside and I was pretty much up for anything, I am now a bit jaded. I'll try not to go momma bear on you about references to my kids. I will say I find myself extremely lucky to have talented, well adjusted kids that could make a life for themselves any place. He will be a junior and his only concern was a commuter marriage because he'd miss his Dad. I make no apologies admitting the affair has changed me and yes, it plays a larger role in my life than I want it to. I'm human, I've been hurt , it effects me, no shame in that. I totally get what your saying. Don't apologize! Unfortunately after betrayal we have to consider things differently than before. I believe I would be thinking the same if in your shoes. I believe you will make the right choice for you and your family. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Particularly with your H, you have mentioned his ego drive/needs tied up with his A numerous times. Is this promotion really that necessary/desireable or is it simply a substitute for the A in meeting his ego needs that perhaps he would be better off redirecting. I couldn't agree more in wondering this. Do YOU want the promotion? Does it do anything for the FAMILY? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I'm confused about the references to me being submissive to my husband. Jump, how high? Not really, it was more like jump, yep that sounds fun lets do it. I think the point I've been making is the changes in me, while previously everything had an upside and I was pretty much up for anything, I am now a bit jaded. I'll try not to go momma bear on you about references to my kids. I will say I find myself extremely lucky to have talented, well adjusted kids that could make a life for themselves any place. He will be a junior and his only concern was a commuter marriage because he'd miss his Dad. I make no apologies admitting the affair has changed me and yes, it plays a larger role in my life than I want it to. I'm human, I've been hurt , it effects me, no shame in that. Some people just enjoy throwing dirt, because thats who they are. It looks like your standing strong to me. Best wishes and write good pages in the rest of your life book. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 So- quick back story- 2.5 years past dday-things are pretty good, sometimes really good- husband has always traveled-affair was while on the road- We have had two major moves for his career-been here 11 years which is the longest in one place- I love it here, I have built a life here-older son in college here-younger son will be a Junior in High School- this is home- My husband was offered a major promotion, yeah, well, no- it would involve a move to a very unfun part of the country- there are lots of reasons to go and lots of reasons not to for us as a family- I mentioned that I did not want to give up my life again and move for his career, that at this point in our relationship it just seemed so risky to me- I know that is selfish, but I have never really been selfish before but the "new me" really puts a lot of stock in what is best for me for a change- My husband thinks that maybe it means I am not all in- I think I can be all in but still want/need to protect myself- I fully admit, before the affair-it would have been a no-brainer- we would have been gone-yesterday- Your thoughts- similar experiences- anything? I haven't read but just the first page of your thread, gettingstronger. But, I know right off what I'd do in your situation. Knowing your husband wants to go and your younger son wants to go would influence me. I don't know how many other children you have and if they want to go or are digging their heels in. I don't know if you have a career or not but I didn't notice you list in your OP that as an issue so am thinking you may not. Even if you do I believe I'd be in for this option: I would negotiate with your husband for a part (or all!)of the extra money he'll get as a raise. Whether you took all of it or not he'd still have the status of the new position. And I would take that money and build something with it for myself. Personally, I would build a business in a field where I had a high interest. This could be as much of a promotion for you as it is for him and it could end up being one of the best times of your life! Building a business would also open up a world of new contacts to you fairly quickly. These would be people who know YOU as an individual not as a wife or mom. However, you may already work in a field that you'd like to stay in. Don't know your situation. Just think it would be fun to spread your wings a little and try something new where you could really grow individually, independent of your H. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gettingstronger Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 Thanks again to everyone that took the time to give me your thoughts- reading back through I can see how my communication is all over the board- kind of like my thoughts so I appreciate everyone hanging in- LivingWater- I loved your post, it sounds like the old me and sounds wonderful- as I read it I was struck that maybe some of all of this is age too- I am 11 years older than I was at the last move- maybe more than jaded, I am content- sounds odd- but maybe a big move doesn't appeal to me as much as it once did in part because I love my life here and I am content- damaged, sad, confused, jaded and content- maybe a little of all of it- now to swing the ratios a little different in the damaged, etc... part- 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Some people just enjoy throwing dirt, because thats who they are. you obviously do not know me. i have enough history that demonstrates you are far off base. my observations were based on this ENTIRE thread. which includes her thoughts and actions before A and now after. please defend your stand --- using quotes from me not your own misguided fears. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 (edited) Mmmm. Your right I don't know you, nor was I referencing you in print or mind. Never really looked at your post before.. Pretty sure the quote was from the OP and my post is based on the entire thread and particularly posters who she questioned why they always disagree with everything she post. Oops Sorry to burst your bubble, your fears were TRULY misguided Edit. Since you asked me to reference your quotes, I will reference your thread and your aversion to slightly overweight women... I LOVE CURVES ON A WOMAN...yummm...sorry your missing out. Edited June 10, 2015 by 66Charger Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I tried to edit out the last paragraph of the post but I read you have a sarcastic sense of humor, and you do not constantly sling dirt, so no harm no foul Beatcuff? Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 But what about YOUR career? Isn't that important? How would your ability to take care of yourself be impacted if you just followed him? I completely understand how you feel, post affair. Which, in my humble opinion, makes your career even more important, because you really never know what will happen down the road. Would moving be good for your career also? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gettingstronger Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 But what about YOUR career? Isn't that important? How would your ability to take care of yourself be impacted if you just followed him? I completely understand how you feel, post affair. Which, in my humble opinion, makes your career even more important, because you really never know what will happen down the road. Would moving be good for your career also? I am a teacher- its pretty much the same in every suburb- I also have a family trust that's just mine so financial stability is not really an issue, but thank you for asking on that because its a valid point- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I am a teacher- its pretty much the same in every suburb- I also have a family trust that's just mine so financial stability is not really an issue, but thank you for asking on that because its a valid point- Gotcha. I was going to edit my post to add not only financial stability but also just your own circle of friends and colleagues. That stuff is really hard to leave and can be an incredible support system in your life and sometimes a much needed distraction whenever we need an escape from life for any reason!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gettingstronger Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 Gotcha. I was going to edit my post to add not only financial stability but also just your own circle of friends and colleagues. That stuff is really hard to leave and can be an incredible support system in your life and sometimes a much needed distraction whenever we need an escape from life for any reason!! On that I so agree! Now more than ever! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gettingstronger Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 WOW- BTW, thanks for your words of wisdom that center on me and reminded me that I do really love my network of friends and stability here- I am hundreds of miles from "home" but this is home and we did it all ourselves-we made this home, these friends, these connections and yes, even these mistakes, together- here- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 I tried to edit out the last paragraph of the post but I read you have a sarcastic sense of humor, and you do not constantly sling dirt i appreciate your research (your reference to my intro post). and while you were not directly quoting me, your comments were to a response by the OP to my comments. the inference was obvious (at least to me). and i agree that some posters do indeed 'like to sling dirt/mud', that was not my intent nor is it ever. i thought my comments applauded her evolution: from will do to lets think about this. and it appears that is the general direction (hence my confusion to your post). so no harm no foul Beatcuff? no worries on my part. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gettingstronger Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 Evolving-I like that- thanks Beatcuff- sounds better than healing right? I am not damaged- I am evolving-yeah me! Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author gettingstronger Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 UPDATE- Not sure how many go back and look for updates on threads they have contributed to but..... My husband presented an alternative at work-he would take the position and travel as much as he does now (t-th every week) but now that would be time in the new office and less time on site- this seems to be workable as the new position is more about managing people than managing projects-he may have to adjust and do M-W for travel as many of his reports also travel and are only in the office one or two days a week- the trade off for us, is that he will not be able to take our extended vacations in the winter as we had before which seems like a fair concession- So far, so good- nothing is inked-but in theory, this is workable- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 So- quick back story- 2.5 years past dday-things are pretty good, sometimes really good- husband has always traveled-affair was while on the road- We have had two major moves for his career-been here 11 years which is the longest in one place- I love it here, I have built a life here-older son in college here-younger son will be a Junior in High School- this is home- My husband was offered a major promotion, yeah, well, no- it would involve a move to a very unfun part of the country- there are lots of reasons to go and lots of reasons not to for us as a family- I mentioned that I did not want to give up my life again and move for his career, that at this point in our relationship it just seemed so risky to me- I know that is selfish, but I have never really been selfish before but the "new me" really puts a lot of stock in what is best for me for a change- My husband thinks that maybe it means I am not all in- I think I can be all in but still want/need to protect myself- I fully admit, before the affair-it would have been a no-brainer- we would have been gone-yesterday- Your thoughts- similar experiences- anything? His A changed you as did my DH's affair. Before his A it was all about him and I put a lot of my needs and career on the back burner. We moved all over the world because of his career, and I happily packed up me and the kids and went. I have a Master's Degree in Computer Science and I sacrificed my career for a long time to support his career. After his A, one of the conditions for me staying M to him was that he quit his job and find one where he doesn't travel. He did and has since found another really good job. And I also have a great job and we have been in the same area in the US for a long time. I love this area. Continue to make sure that you put yourself first and if something is not making you happy in your M, let him know. The one thing that I learned from my DH having an A is that I am a survivor and that I will be fine with or without him, and you will also. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gettingstronger Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 His A changed you as did my DH's affair. Before his A it was all about him and I put a lot of my needs and career on the back burner. We moved all over the world because of his career, and I happily packed up me and the kids and went. I have a Master's Degree in Computer Science and I sacrificed my career for a long time to support his career. After his A, one of the conditions for me staying M to him was that he quit his job and find one where he doesn't travel. He did and has since found another really good job. And I also have a great job and we have been in the same area in the US for a long time. I love this area. Continue to make sure that you put yourself first and if something is not making you happy in your M, let him know. The one thing that I learned from my DH having an A is that I am a survivor and that I will be fine with or without him, and you will also. Amen sister! Your last sentence is the key-it actually makes our marriage stronger-I never imagined divorce as an option in my life, never imagined that we would be in a position where it was even thought about- I believed in us that much- I never mentally prepared myself for it- I still believe in us, but I am prepared for pretty much anything at this point- we both are- and that in its own way makes us more divorce-proof than anything else- Thanks for checking in! Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 The one thing that I learned from my DH having an A is that I am a survivor and that I will be fine with or without him, and you will also. Truer words have never been spoken. So, the new plan sounds totally workable. Three days a week is not that big of a deal, you are already doing it successfully now. He gets the new job, no need to uproot yourself and your family. Sounds like a win win! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gettingstronger Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 Truer words have never been spoken. So, the new plan sounds totally workable. Three days a week is not that big of a deal, you are already doing it successfully now. He gets the new job, no need to uproot yourself and your family. Sounds like a win win! I hope so- still waiting for the final OK-but I feel good that we navigated this in our 'new reality' without too many bumps and bruises- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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