Is there any chance? Did I ruin everything?

[Sogo88]

Hey all - long post here. I have to get a lot off of my chest and hopefully this will give you all more of a background to help me out. Thank you.

 

I met a girl at work about 4 months ago. We hit it off and had a very solid connection. I had a huge crush on her and found out, unfortunately for me, that she had a boyfriend. I didn't know how long they dated, etc, but I was definitely bummed.

 

Another month or so went by and I had to send a text to all of my coworkers to confirm a meeting. This meant texting her as well so she had my number. She ended up sending me an individual text and we started joking around not only at work but through texts as well. I refer to this phase as the start of our "texting relationship" that lasted four months.

 

I ended up taking an outside job offer and I was truly bummed for a number reasons. 1) I wouldn't have a chance with this awesome girl because she has a boyfriend, 2) Even if she broke things off with her bf I wouldn't be in the picture anymore so she'd probably forget about me. Long story short, when I announced I was leaving she told me she'd miss me, etc, and it was fun working with me.

 

I left that day and had a text from her that evening telling me she would love to keep in touch, etc. I told her, up front, that I would like that too and that if things didn't work out with her boyfriend to give me a call because I did feel a connection with her and it'd be fun to take her out and to get to know her better. She told me they'd been dating for 16 months or so, but would keep that in mind. That was that.

 

The next morning I got a text from her; a breadcrumb of sorts referencing something at work. We would text every single day and it was a great feeling for me. A bit of a background, but about a year ago I got out of an 18 month relationship and hadn't really dated until this point. I just didn't want someone who I felt this connected to and this was a breath of fresh air.

 

The texting reached a very pivotal point; we were texting all day and she stopped responding. I didn't think anything of it, but I got a text later that evening that read (along the lines of); "Sorry I didn't get back to you. I've had a rough day and my boyfriend took me out for a drink. Have a great night =)". This hit a chord in me as my feelings were developing for this girl. I knew she had a boyfriend and I didn't cross any lines, but I was more or less "keeping in touch" because she was sending me all the right vibes.

 

I sent her a somewhat lengthy text explaining that I really enjoyed texting her, but that I didn't find it as appropriate since she has a boyfriend and for me it would be easier to pull the reigns back. I reaffirmed that I would like the opportunity to take her out if anything were to happen, but that it wasn't fair to her, myself, or her boyfriend who I knew nothing about to keep texting all the time.

 

She said I put her in a "tough spot" and that she wasn't ignoring my text, but that she needed a bit of time to get back to me. I didn't know what that meant, so I just told her that I understood and that I'd talk to her later. Amusingly enough, I got a text from her the next day as if nothing ever happened and we chit-chatted throughout the day again. I basically did this as I was waiting for an answer and thought she was getting around to it. I was right. That evening, I received a 14-page text explaining that she and her boyfriend weren't happy together; they broke-up two months prior and had just got back together.

 

She said she felt she was settling, was only back with him to not be alone, and told me that the queues I picked up on of her showing interest towards me were spot on. That's why she reached out to me so much, etc, because she knew it's rare to find someone you get along with so well. I told her that if she wanted to take a chance with me to end things with her boyfriend and that we should take things very slow as she sorts herself out. She said she went through those motions the last time she broke-up with him, but told me she would let me know what happens.

 

The texting continued with me being a bit apprehensive. Long story short now, we did end up dating for a month. It was awesome. We hung out with a few days in between each time as we both knew to take things slow. After our third time hanging out, she told me up-front that she still was battling emotions with her ex and while she DID see herself in a relationship with me, because she enjoyed my company so much, she didn't want to ruin anything due to rushing. I confirmed to her that I felt the same and told her that I wouldn't try to set dates as much (I didn't realize I was, but I suppose I was being a bit forward given that I feel it's the man's responsibility/expectation to do that). She clearly stated that at this moment she didn't want a relationship. Red flag, maybe? She said, for her, it was important that we just let things happen naturally as they were and I think she was giving me hints that she liked me and didn't want me to jump the gun.

 

We each were so happy that we were on the same page and I felt we were doing things right. Two days went by and she recommended we hang out. Awesome I thought. We hung out on a Wednesday and had another fun night. Our personalities really clicked and we had the same sense of humor; I took the initiative to interest myself with things she liked; she did the same and it was great. The next day, Thursday, she asked when she got to see me again. She was doing the chasing at this point. I told her I was free Friday and she said she couldn't wait to see me. I asked her if she would prefer to do something out-going or to stay in and watch a movie. She opted for the movie route and we had a very relaxing night. We hadn't had sex at this point, but we did hold hands, kiss, snuggle up, etc.

 

That night I suggested we do something fun, like an adventure, on one of the upcoming weekends. She agreed and asked what I was to the next day (Saturday now). I told her I didn't have anything too serious going on. She said she was hanging with her sister/her sister's bf but said I should come too because she wanted to see me again. Again, the ball was in her court; she was setting the plans/very interested in me. That Saturday we spent the entire day together and had an amazing time. We all went bowling and we acted like a couple; it was great. We had a lot of PDA going, she told me she was so lucky, we kissed all night, and it just felt so awesome. I had given her space and she came to me; I did things right. Or so I thought.

 

Saturday night after her sister/sister's bf left we started talking about how lucky we were to take a chance. I opened up to her and told her I was very proud that she took the time for herself and realized the importance of taking things slow. This lead to her kissing me. We made out and went into her bedroom where we did everything but have sex. The reason I didn't want to have full-blown sex was because I know sex can complicate things for someone who just broke up with someone. We each had four beers and I know it was hitting her more than it was me. Knowing that, I did the respectful thing and told her I really wanted to, but felt it was best to hold off. I did please her for awhile and enjoyed myself a lot, but that was that. We ended up kissing and she fell asleep in my arms. Awesome, I thought.

 

The next day we woke up early and joked around in bed for an hour or so before we fell back asleep together. This was mother's day and she told me she didn't want me to leave but she had to get ready to visit her mom who lived about an hour away. I got dressed and left; this ended up being the last time I actually saw her/spoke to her in person. Wow, right? When I left I gave her a kiss, turned and walked away before she told me to come back and give her "one more". She then told me to text her when I got back which I did. Everything felt the same as it was. The red flag happened when I sent her a text asking her if she made it to her mom's alright. No response. She texted me later and apologized; she said she forgot to respond. Weird. Surely enough, later that evening, I got the "I was thinking about last night" text. She basically said she felt it was too much too soon and that she and I were getting "too serious" and that she didn't want a relationship. I told her I understood that which is why I pumped the brakes, but told her that I was worried as we already had this discussion and she was the one setting the pace.

 

She said she made a mistake by saying she wanted a relationship down the road, and that she shouldn't have said that because it wasn't fair to me. She said she'd still like to stay in contact and hang out, but that we had to slow things down big time. I told her that one "mistake" shouldn't ruin any future because we were each so compatible with one another, and nonetheless I started acting needy/desperate. Very stupid of me.

 

The last few weeks were basically us texting less and less with her initiating less and less. I did the right thing and disengaged early and she would initiate about a mutual joke or what have you, but I didn't pick up on the queues quick enough and was too available. She has a twitter and she and I were supposed to go to an event together. I noticed that she made a tweet, right after I sent her a text cutting her off saying "Hey great talking to you. Going to a bday party. I'll ttyl!", writing that she needs a date to the event. I was shattered.

 

This lead to be acting more needy/desperate. I told her I wanted to wait for her and that I wanted to see her. This basically pushed her away as she told me straight up she didn't want a relationship and I was acting as if I desperately wanted one even though I understood we'd have to take it slow. It was a battle of emotions. I gave things two days so I could think and I reached out to her. We talked as normal and agreed to do something in a week together. She ended the texting with a "It was great hearing from you <my name>. Good night" after she had already said good night to me twenty minutes earlier. Awesome again I thought. She just needed space.

 

That week in a nut-shell; she cancelled on that plan and thwarted all other attempts of me to try to get her to hang out. I was doing all of the chasing and acting like an idiot. I saw she made another tweet that was the breaking point for me; she said "This dude is so annoying. Stage-5 clinger." and she made the tweet after I initiated contact after two days of no contact. I had it. I sent her an email telling her about my situation and why I was acting the way I was. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer right around the time we had started hanging out and I haven't been emotionally sound. This lead to my needy behavior and I don't have anyone else in my life to turn to except my mom who obviously can't comfort me.

 

Prior to that, we had a very heated discussion and I told her that she invited all this drama because she wasn't up-front with me and strung me around with the whole "yeah we can hang out if <some variable doesn't happen>" when she knew she didn't really want to. It was a disaster. I sent the email basically asking for a mulligen, a do-over, because we each weren't thinking straight. At this stage we haven't seen each other in four weeks although we've texted throughout. She responded saying she was sorry for treating me poorly, it wasn't fair to me, etc, and that she'd keep my mom in her prayers. She also told me good night with our signature "goodbye" which was an inside joke. I responded to her email thanking you with a question about work to which she briefly responded. After that, I responded to her with a joke/follow-up to her email and she didn't respond. I also sent her a joking text a day after; no response to that either.

 

I feel crappy now because I know that I was able to embark on a period of no contact and the letter was perfect. I got a lot off my chest and she was receptive of it. I felt good officially giving her space, but now that she has ignored my last two contact attempts I feel like I ruined things somehow because I'm not going to contact her for another month or so. It's like everything has been going crappy lately.

 

Is there any sort of shot here? Peoples' feelings change after awhile, and during our heated exchange she told me, "Okay you need to let go. I don't see anything coming from of us anymore. It's too late. I have a lot of other **** going on that you know nothing about and I don't want this". She did apologize for everything she said, however, so I'm hoping she just said it out of the heat of the moment, but now that she ignored me I don't know what to think.

 

I've done all the research; I know that the important thing is to give her time and to focus on myself so if she comes around again I'm "me" again. I know that 'no-contact' is the only way. Online it said if you really care about someone and feel YOU did something wrong, which I do because I pushed her so much, that the opportunity for happiness is worth digging a bit for. I'm doing things now to get out of my comfort zone like volunteering, music events, etc... so I'm definitely going to be focusing on me. But I'd just like to know what to expect; does the rebound guy ever get a second chance after being needy/desperate?

 

Thanks.

Edited June 7, 2015 by Sogo88

[ZiggyZoo]

There are so many reasons why this isn't going to work. The biggest is that she *told* you that she wasn't interested in a relationship. When someone says that, believe them. Also, you came across as way too needy, which you know already.

 

Another thing you mentioned is that she still has feelings for her ex. That's a huge red flag, and I'd be willing to bet that they get back together. She used you as a sort of Plan B when they were broken up before, it stands to reason that she would do it again.

 

I honestly don't see any future for this relationship. I think it's great that you're already NC, it's the only way to really get over someone.

[Sogo88]

There are so many reasons why this isn't going to work. The biggest is that she *told* you that she wasn't interested in a relationship. When someone says that, believe them. Also, you came across as way too needy, which you know already.

 

Another thing you mentioned is that she still has feelings for her ex. That's a huge red flag, and I'd be willing to bet that they get back together. She used you as a sort of Plan B when they were broken up before, it stands to reason that she would do it again.

 

I honestly don't see any future for this relationship. I think it's great that you're already NC, it's the only way to really get over someone.

 

She told me she wasn't interested in a relationship *right now* but that she did see one in the future with me. Then after we fooled around she said she wasn't interested in one at all and that she felt we were getting too serious which was weird because she was setting the pace. I was just following her lead.

 

NC is the only way and unfortunately I have no leverage with a future with her. She is just now sorting through the motions of getting over her ex which she told me she already did but of course she was just saying that. She did tell me that she "wanted me to know" she was going through a lot right now but doesn't want to get into it but "felt I should know". Then she ignored my text/email so who knows.

[ZiggyZoo]

Yeah, just let this one go. It sucks, but you've learned a lot of lessons here. Don't get involved with someone while they're still working through their last relationship, and believe it when someone says they don't want a relationship. I myself got burned on that during one of my relationships. He made it very clear in the beginning that he wasn't interested in anything long-term or serious, but I didn't listen. We hung out plenty for 6 months or so, but when I tried to have the "where is this going" talk, he pulled away and said that he thought I understood that it wasn't serious. Well, he told me, so I only had myself to blame.

[GoBlue]

Acting in a "needy/desperate" manner doesn't work well for anyone whether they are a "rebound" relationship or not. The idea of focusing on yourself is great but it doesn't work very well if your only purpose is to try and make yourself more desirable for her, or as a temporary process until she makes up her mind and figures out how she feels about you. It's best to take her at her word and assume that there is no relationship forthcoming. The fact that she was willing to flirt with you while having a boyfriend, spend lots of time with you knowing how you felt and how she felt, and was willing to get involved physically while not really wanting a relationship, indicates that there are some red flags with her emotional situation. Do you have a mentor, parent, or even a Pastor whom you can speak with about this? There's nothing new here - it's the same story that has happened to many others along the pathways of dating. The goal is to find the RIGHT match which will last a lifetime. That's why getting too depressed or upset about her is not helpful for your long-term happiness. If she doesn't feel the same about you as you feel about her then acknowledging to yourself that there is something better waiting for you is a positive step. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

[Satu]

She told me she wasn't interested in a relationship *right now* but that she did see one in the future with me. Then after we fooled around *she said she wasn't interested in one at all and that she felt we were getting too serious which was weird because she was setting the pace. I was just following her lead.

 

NC is the only way and unfortunately I have no leverage with a future with her. She is just now sorting through the motions of getting over her ex which she told me she already did but of course she was just saying that. She did tell me that she "wanted me to know" she was going through a lot right now but doesn't want to get into it but "felt I should know". Then she ignored my text/email so who knows.

 

If you don't have a relationship in the present, you don't have a relationship.

 

No contact, move on.

 

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.