When you treat them like Queens

[Dave]

I have dated a girl for almost ten months before we broke up. From day one I treated her like a queen. I treated her like I had never treated anyone before. I carried her on the palm of my hand. She would literally be surprised at my actions, since apparently noone had treated her like I treated her, and this kind of scared her, and made her misinterpret my actions. She could not believe in me being so nice to her, she thought she did not deserve me, and she thought that someday i would stop treating her like that. Well, we are not together right now, because she thought that i was too good to her, and she felt she would never treat me as well as I treated her, but I did not demand anything in back, but later on I realized that when you treat someone so good, maybe it is not going to end very well. But it is in my nature to make my lady feel like she is very special. I really don't understand what is happening. All my actions are natural and I do them out of my heart, and why could not she believe that i was real? She said I was too good to be true, and I was like a dream come true to her, so she sort of sabotaged the relationship. Well it ended.And I am really confused as to what have I done wrong except being too nice to her. I am single again.

[Hanny]

 

Do yourself a favor and find a girl who you can treat like a queen AND who appreciates it while treating you like a king. Don't expend your time and attention on a woman who is scared to open up and to go into the future with you. Trust me, there are women who will appreciate your love and who will give back. I am a woman like that. But, I already have a king, sorry. Good luck.

[sparkle]

Dear Dave,

 

A gentleman like you is a rare find. The way you treat a lady makes you all the more special. But that means you deserve someone just like you. Because this girl was probably used to guys treating her like crap, she totally got scared and ran away from you.

 

It wasn't anything to do with you. It was not your fault. She just wasn't the right person for you. Many girls out there will probably not handle so well to someone that treats her like a queen from day one. They tend to get bored early or wonder about ulterior motives. Wait for that special someone that will not only appreciate what you do for her, but will also treat you the same way. There are girls like that out there, you just have to be patient when searching for one.

 

Meanwhile, when you date other girls, don't give too much right away. Give time to let your relationship develop naturally and slowly. You may realize she's not the right person for you. Take your time with her. Now if you realize that this girl is capable of meeting your needs as well, that is the time to treat her wonderfully. Until then, be patient and be careful about who you decide to give your heart to.

[Ed]

Dave,

 

Your next to last statement sums it up - "And I am really confused as to what have I done wrong except being too nice to her."

 

You were too nice to her. At least too nice for this girl. Some other woman may not have interpreted your actions as being too nice. But, this one did.

 

All you can do now is focus on adjusting your niceness for the next lady that comes into your life. It's OK to be nice to women. Just not all the time.

 

You can and should admire and respect a woman, but do so without exalting her to the status of a Goddess. Putting a woman on a pedestal makes her feel uncomfortable eventually. It puts her in a position where she feels like she has to be perfect, and she is not. No one is. She probably felt like, if she made a mistake or did something wrong, it would disappoint you because of your lofty idea of who she is. It was too much pressure on her.

 

I know it feels natural to treat women the way you do, but it's because you don't know any better. It also feels natural to scratch a place that itches. But, if you scratch it too much, you will bleed. Eventually, you will learn how much is too much.

 

You should keep up with the posts to this discussion board. Tony has commented many times about being too nice to women. I wish I could explain it like he does, as well as apply it.

[Dave]

I agree with you Ed.

 

I think what happened is that, she thought that I did not realize the fact that she is not perfect and she got scared that at one point or anohter I would realize that she is not perefect and would stop being nice to her, so she was not very natural with me, from the beginning, as if knowing that our relationship would end at some point. She was always afraid that one day I would call her and break up with her.

 

That is not natural.

 

Low self-esteem maybe, insecurity?

 

Dave, Your next to last statement sums it up - "And I am really confused as to what have I done wrong except being too nice to her."

 

You were too nice to her. At least too nice for this girl. Some other woman may not have interpreted your actions as being too nice. But, this one did. All you can do now is focus on adjusting your niceness for the next lady that comes into your life. It's OK to be nice to women. Just not all the time. You can and should admire and respect a woman, but do so without exalting her to the status of a Goddess. Putting a woman on a pedestal makes her feel uncomfortable eventually. It puts her in a position where she feels like she has to be perfect, and she is not. No one is. She probably felt like, if she made a mistake or did something wrong, it would disappoint you because of your lofty idea of who she is. It was too much pressure on her. I know it feels natural to treat women the way you do, but it's because you don't know any better. It also feels natural to scratch a place that itches. But, if you scratch it too much, you will bleed. Eventually, you will learn how much is too much. You should keep up with the posts to this discussion board. Tony has commented many times about being too nice to women. I wish I could explain it like he does, as well as apply it.

[Hanny]

I disagree with the "too nice" bit. Although I do agree that no one's butt should be kissed, being extremely nice to any person is, well, nice. I mean, don't get me wrong, you can exaggerate the compliments and treatment to a point that they become excessive and repetative, not to mention, "enough". However, it sounds like this girl was probably just a little immature anyway and if she's afraid, it's because she's probably insecure about herself as a girlfriend.

Or, maybe she just doesn't have any interest in you, and that was her way of letting you go. In any case, who wants to deal with someone who is afraid to receive compliments and nice gestures?

 

But, as mentioned by others, don't "suck butt" all the time. People do get tired of that treatment because it doesn't seem real. Treat "her" like a woman, and if she can't handle it, then she's probably not woman yet.

[Tony T]

Females, particularly the younger ones (under 100) want a challenge. They want someone who is not predictable. They want someone who disagrees with them at times. They want mystery. They want someone who is not always calling them and not always available. They want someone who has a life away from them. They won't tell you this, but they want a guy who they think can live just as well without them as with them.

 

Being too nice, particularly too soon in a relationship, is the kiss of death.

 

There are so many reasons for this I won't go into them here but suffice it to say there is just NO reason for a woman to date a nice guy. If he is going to say yes to everything, agree with everything, take her wherever she wants to go, give her everything she asks for, do whatever she wants to do, she can do that all by herself. A woman needs a MAN she can respect and she will have NO respect for a man who does all these things.

 

Women want a MAN who is going to stand up to her. A lot of this has to do with women wanting a guy like their dad, who didn't allow them to get by with crap.

 

So, yes, be nice. But there is a limit. Being too nice will cause a female to regurgitate (nice for vomit, throw up, barf, etc.). The mean females will take you for the ride of your life, get everything from you they can, and dump your butt in the river.

 

Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing repeatedly but expecting a different result each time. Just keep doing what your doing in relationships and you'll end up in the retirement village a lonely man.

 

The finest, most wonderful, kind, loving, sweet, dear women in the world will be turned off if the guy is too nice.

 

And that's just the way it is. Your believing otherwise won't change things.

 

Over and out.

[Paulie]

But what about if the guy initially goes into the relationship with the attitude you suggest, but the girl PLEADS with him, cries, continually tells him that she loves him sooo much, and all she wants is for him to open up?

 

Should he let his guard down at this point?

 

1. He could lose his challenge-appeal

 

vs.

 

2. Being a sucker for stupid crap like (#1), and never really opening himself up for real love...which is living life to it's fullest!?

 

Does it take a certain amount of interpretation (if the girl is capable of such love?...especially if she is pretty young?)

 

Are there women out there that appreciate a man who really LOVES them (and not the "using" kind of love that we've talked at length about on this site before)?

 

I find myself losing faith at times.

 

Paulie

[Tony T]

Excellent question. Surprised you didn't figure this out.

 

YOU WRITE: "But what about if the guy initially goes into the relationship with the attitude you suggest, but the girl PLEADS with him, cries, continually tells him that she loves him sooo much, and all she wants is for him to open up?"

 

1. Should he let his guard down at this point?

 

A normal guy would be having the same reaction that a lady would have with the same approach by a guy. No guy wants a desperate women, unless he has serious problems himself. There is NOTHING less sexy than a man or woman pleading, crying, etc. for love. Any girl who would tell a guy she loves him during the initial part of the relationship is bound for the guy's bed and his scrapbook of OK memories. But if she pleads, cries, etc., she may not even get that far. A guy would have no desire, sexual or otherwise, for that unless he's just a pig.

 

2. (1.) He could lose his challenge-appeal

 

It would never get to this point. A guy worth having is just not going to respond to this kind of desperation. Now, in a milder form he might. But he would screw the girl because the felt sorry for her. No man, nowhere in the world, can fall in love with such desperation. Won't happen unless he's retarded, mentally challenged or brain dead.

 

vs.

 

3. (2.) Being a sucker for stupid crap like (#1), and never really opening himself up for real love...which is living life to it's fullest!?

 

There's a big difference between opening yourself up to someone who is sane, worthy, intelligent, classy, challenging, engaging, honest, sincere, etc., and opening yourself up to someone who is insane, desperate and mentally deficient. The former is worthy of one opening up to. A person like you suggest above is more of a nuisance than a candidate for one's heart. It just won't happen.

 

4. Does it take a certain amount of interpretation (if the girl is capable of such love?...especially if she is pretty young?)

 

No, it's basically a no brainer. A girl whose behavior is as desperate as you describe...no matter what age...is simply going to be a turn off. I am so embarassed for these people because they just don't see how foolish they look. It is so pathetic but I've seen it happen. If the guy really feels sorry for this girl and takes up with her for a bit, do you see just how sad any kind of an association is that is based on sympathy and giving in to begging, etc. I get sick thinking about it.

 

5. Are there women out there that appreciate a man who really LOVES them (and not the "using" kind of love that we've talked at length about on this site before)?

 

Oh, yes, most definitely so. Even young ones. But it's impossible for a female to really appreciate a guy who has just caved in to her begging...or a guy who just went after her from the get-go. Yeah, it might make a few episodes of great sex or something but in the long haul, this lady will wake up and ask "What the hell have I got here?"

 

A man MUST KNOW how to REALLY LOVE a woman. Part of knowing how to love a woman is knowing what she needs, what she craves and delivering that. A man who caves into a woman's every demand is not showing real love, he is showing REAL PATHOLOGY. Many men just don't have a hint. They make the same mistakes over and over because they just don't pay attention.

 

A woman will love someone ONLY after she has respect for him. She will not appreciate or respect a man who has given his love out freely or without careful consideration. If he has caved in to her or otherwise has not shown that he is a man, she will not have respect for him and there can be no relationship. She just won't be able to appreciate anything he has to offer.

 

Generally all this works out with maturity. After a woman has been through a number of duds, she will all the more appreciate a man who is kind, considerate and thoughtful. But, even then, he better be a man...have boundaries...and pass her tests. If he lets her step all over him, it is history. A woman appreciates many things about a man...but mostly she appreciates that he is a MAN and not a wimp.

 

My guess is that the vast majority of women who are fairly sane will unltimately not only appreciate but venerate a man who is definitely masculine but, at the same time, knows in just what measure to temper that with understanding, consideration and compassion. Women not only appreciate a guy like that but they long to meet one. They want a guy who knows exactly where the line is between being a kind, loving MAN and being a buttkissing WIMP.