Author berniev Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 (edited) Because low T is not healthy. Who cares about your libido, you should get it for your health. Stop being a cheap skate. Do you think maybe she doesn't give it up is because of the resentment she has toward you? You've cheated/cheat on her. Maybe she knows. Did she ever want children or did you decide for the both of you? She doesn't want to work anymore, but you try to bargain an open marriage. That being said, you've checked out. There aren't children and you can make this a clean divorce. I don't think there's any resentment from her. I have been a good husband. The sex issue came up LONG before any affair happened. That's pretty much the only thing we fought about. Edited June 8, 2015 by berniev Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 I don't think there's any resentment from her. I have been a good husband. The sex issue came up LONG before any affair happened. That's pretty much the only thing we fought about. You are assuming. Don't assume. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Good husbands don't cheat. I understand why you did cheat, but don't be delusional about your status as a spouse. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 berniev, Low testosterone is most likely the cause of you not being into your wife. It is probably also effecting your mood. Low T effects more than just your erection. You say that it is expensive and your insurance won't cover it, but you say the girl was with you because you have money. I think this is important enough to spend $$ on yourself. If your T goes up, so does your mood and so possibly does your desire for your wife. If you have low T eventually even a threesome might not do it for you, so do yourself and your wife a favor and get some T! Also just taking a Viagra might help your erection, but it won't do anything for your desire, your libido. Only raising your T level will do that. I think if you are going to give it a try with your wife for three months, it is only fair to have a normal amount of T to see if you two can make this work. Good luck! He gets it up for the OW, but after years of rejection, he's now lost the connection with his W. Very same thing happened with my MM. He thought it was a physical issue related to age/medication. But then we got together and BAM! it's obviously not an issue for him. He's still trying to get it back with her, however. It's not working. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author berniev Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 Good husbands don't cheat. I understand why you did cheat, but don't be delusional about your status as a spouse. Unless you have been through something similarly painful, I don't think you can understand the humiliation, self-loath, low self-esteem, depression, crying, physical pain, insomnia - you may be able to understand them logically but certainly not psychologically. How about I say, besides cheating, I am a very good husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author berniev Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 He gets it up for the OW, but after years of rejection, he's now lost the connection with his W. Very same thing happened with my MM. He thought it was a physical issue related to age/medication. But then we got together and BAM! it's obviously not an issue for him. He's still trying to get it back with her, however. It's not working. Why did he try to get back with her? Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Why did he try to get back with her? Not her back, "it" back. The connection, the desire. It's completely gone, both in mind and body (it's literally physically not working with her, if you catch my drift, despite his best and regular efforts). He's even told her as much. He's hopeful he can find that lost connection/desire again. But without going into detail here, I don't think it's possible. His marriage is effectively over. He's "staying for the children" and out of fear of the unknown, finances, being alone... All of the reasons MM cowardly stay in their marriages. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author berniev Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 Not her back, "it" back. The connection, the desire. It's completely gone, both in mind and body (it's literally physically not working with her, if you catch my drift, despite his best and regular efforts). He's even told her as much. He's hopeful he can find that lost connection/desire again. But without going into detail here, I don't think it's possible. His marriage is effectively over. He's "staying for the children" and out of fear of the unknown, finances, being alone... All of the reasons MM cowardly stay in their marriages. LOL!!! Excellent point!!! You really got me thinking as I have always been proud of myself of my ability to explore the unknown. Will I have the same courage now? Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 LOL!!! Excellent point!!! You really got me thinking as I have always been proud of myself of my ability to explore the unknown. Will I have the same courage now? I'm betting not. I don't say that to be mean, but if my MM can get as close as he did, as miserable as he is, and still not pull the trigger to give himself even a chance at real happiness, I doubt any MM will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author berniev Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 I'm betting not. I don't say that to be mean, but if my MM can get as close as he did, as miserable as he is, and still not pull the trigger to give himself even a chance at real happiness, I doubt any MM will. What do you mean by "real happiness?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Unless you have been through something similarly painful, I don't think you can understand the humiliation, self-loath, low self-esteem, depression, crying, physical pain, insomnia - you may be able to understand them logically but certainly not psychologically. How about I say, besides cheating, I am a very good husband. Blameshifting. What if I said, besides the embezzling, I am a great banker? You do not take responsibility for your choices. Link to post Share on other sites
Author berniev Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 Blameshifting. What if I said, besides the embezzling, I am a great banker? You do not take responsibility for your choices. Please open a new thread. I am happy to discuss when cheating is justified over there. Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 What do you mean by "real happiness?" Ups i liked it but i didnt mean to but wanted to ask you, Have you ever seen to people really in love? (Not the ones arm in arm or hand in hand but witout love) Link to post Share on other sites
Author berniev Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 Ups i liked it but i didnt mean to but wanted to ask you, Have you ever seen to people really in love? (Not the ones arm in arm or hand in hand but witout love) Once upon the time, I was very happy. I used to look forward to every vacation we had. All the exciting places we have been to. Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Once upon the time, I was very happy. I used to look forward to every vacation we had. All the exciting places we have been to. But was you wife happy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author berniev Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 But was you wife happy? Yes, she is and has been. We have enjoyed a wonderful life together except for the fights over sex or lack of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 I sure dont know your situation so should not say anything about it but i just see fake couples all around, where one of them (if not both) is pretending to love, very sad and tragic i think:( so couldnt help visualize your wife as one of them:o Link to post Share on other sites
Author berniev Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 I sure dont know your situation so should not say anything about it but i just see fake couples all around, where one of them (if not both) is pretending to love, very sad and tragic i think:( so couldnt help visualize your wife as one of them:o Leaving the sex issue aside, we are a very happy couple, no faking. Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Leaving the sex issue aside, we are a very happy couple, no faking. leaving the sex aside im also very happy with my friends, no faking:o Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Please open a new thread. I am happy to discuss when cheating is justified over there. Actually, once repeated infidelity has been introduced into a marriage, it is pretty much impossible for a WS to know what is real misery and what has been influenced and exacerbated by the A. Your misery over sexlessness is valid. I know that misery. I lived it for many years, and it not only hurts, it is a LONELY misery because 9 times out of 10 it is the starved person who gets scrutinized over it. IMO it is very understandable that someone starved for affection and intimacy would be vulnerable to anyone who came along offering it. Just like someone whose housemate locks all the cupboards and denies them food might consider stealing bread from the local store. However, there are now TWO issues in your marriage. Your wife's long term refusal to meet your needs, and the way you choose to cope with it by cheating on her. SHE now seems to be trying to right her part, while YOU are still justifying yours. There will be no real or happy marriage that way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 I'll also say that this is the first thread I have ever read where almost everyone just ignored your serial adultery, and I would love to know why. I have certainly never seen that happen with a WW 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author berniev Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 (edited) Actually, once repeated infidelity has been introduced into a marriage, it is pretty much impossible for a WS to know what is real misery and what has been influenced and exacerbated by the A. Your misery over sexlessness is valid. I know that misery. I lived it for many years, and it not only hurts, it is a LONELY misery because 9 times out of 10 it is the starved person who gets scrutinized over it. IMO it is very understandable that someone starved for affection and intimacy would be vulnerable to anyone who came along offering it. Just like someone whose housemate locks all the cupboards and denies them food might consider stealing bread from the local store. However, there are now TWO issues in your marriage. Your wife's long term refusal to meet your needs, and the way you choose to cope with it by cheating on her. SHE now seems to be trying to right her part, while YOU are still justifying yours. There will be no real or happy marriage that way. I am not trying to justify anything. I am saying after years of rejection, I don't have the feelings anymore even she "seems to be trying." I agreed to her pleading of trying this again. I thought I could try but I feel empty. I don't know how much the other woman plays into this - I don't really care about her that much, truth be told. Edited June 8, 2015 by berniev Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Somehow I just want to be alone for a while whether or not living with someone else or by myself. If you'd rather be lone than with your wife even if there isn't anyone else, that pretty much says all that needs to be said. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 I'll also say that this is the first thread I have ever read where almost everyone just ignored your serial adultery, and I would love to know why. I have certainly never seen that happen with a WW You probably won't agreed with what I said, but I did address your comment in the other thread. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 You probably won't agreed with what I said, but I did address your comment in the other thread. I'll be honest. Contrary to...whatever, I think that knowingly refusing to meet your partner's needs for years on end is not only a betrayal on par with cheating, you are actually setting your spouse up to be vulnerable to cheating when you starve them. Cheating itself is absolutely wrong. But there are quite a few people who empathetically understand this OP's hurt. I just think both genders of WS should be afforded the same empathy. Link to post Share on other sites
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