Money talk

[fitnessfan365]

When you're just dating someone, it's pretty typical for the guy to take care of the financial more. But now that you're in a relationship, you should be pulling your weight financially OP. It isn't fair to still expect your BF to handle more of the financial than you.

[losangelena]

OP, does your BF make significantly more money than you?

 

Eventually you're going to have to get to a point of balance, where you're spending what you're willing to spend and so is he. If that means that you can't necessarily bankroll the things he wants to do, then you both learn to live a more frugal lifestyle. You say your BF is a bit of a tightwad. So how is it that you're feeling the pinch and he's not. When you offer to pay, are you paying for the both of you, or just you?

 

Also, maybe you already updated us, but what's new with him and your roommate?

[losangelena]

When you're just dating someone, it's pretty typical for the guy to take care of the financial more. But now that you're in a relationship, you should be pulling your weight financially OP. It isn't fair to still expect your BF to handle more of the financial than you.

 

I don't think she's saying she wants him to pay more—it sounds like she's paying quite a bit—she's saying that paying her share (and also sometimes his share?) of the things he wants to do is causing her financial distress.

 

OP, do I have that right?

[nadine5]

When you're just dating someone, it's pretty typical for the guy to take care of the financial more. But now that you're in a relationship, you should be pulling your weight financially OP. It isn't fair to still expect your BF to handle more of the financial than you.

 

What?? She just said she pays for 3/4 of the dates when they go out!

[fitnessfan365]

What?? She just said she pays for 3/4 of the dates when they go out!

 

She also said that he's doing all the driving (gas is an expense) and that he always buys the groceries they use to cook with. So that ads up as well. So it's not like he's being a freeloader.

 

But this is what I was going off of :

 

I'd also be much happier if he paid more often for the dates out, I always feel anxious and offer to pay, and he accepts. I don't know how exactly to handle that. Stop offering?

 

As you can see, she wants him to pay for most of the dates out. But when you're in a relationship, the woman should be offering to pay for some of the dates. That was my point. But I will agree that he's accepting from her a bit too much. For example. My GF offers to pay every time we go out. But I only let her pay 30% of the time.

[losangelena]

She also said that he's doing all the driving (gas is an expense) and that he always buys the groceries they use to cook with. So that ads up as well. So it's not like he's being a freeloader.

 

Not to get all pedantic and sh*t, but she also said this:

 

Since I started this thread, we balanced out the finances in our relationship: he is now paying for about every other date, and I'm contributing for groceries&gas more.

 

And this:

 

He initiates a lot of trips, visits to places, restaurants etc. I'm not a big initiator, if left up to me, we'll be out way less. I offer to pay roughly half of the times we go out, and evaluating my spending, it is significant.

 

I don't know how expensive these things are that they're doing. But if HE says to her, "I want to go to this particular restaurant for dinner," and he lets her foot a $100 bill, don't you think that's a bit unfair?

 

I agree that he's not freeloading, but again, I don't think that's the issue. If you're in a relationship with someone who makes significantly less than you, or who has other things they need to be spending their discretionary income on, wouldn't it behoove you to keep their financial standing in mind? I would not want to put my BF in debt because I want to go to a concert or out to dinner.

 

If he's suggesting outings that OP can't afford, should she tell him point blank? Should she ask him to pay for the more expensive things? She mentioned in a previous post that he's quite tight-fisted, so does he intentionally suggest evenings out in the hopes that she'll pay? That'd be sh*tty if that's the case.

[fitnessfan365]

I would not want to put my BF in debt because I want to go to a concert or out to dinner.

 

If he's suggesting outings that OP can't afford, should she tell him point blank? Should she ask him to pay for the more expensive things? She mentioned in a previous post that he's quite tight-fisted, so does he intentionally suggest evenings out in the hopes that she'll pay? That'd be sh*tty if that's the case.

 

Haha.. Remember the thread you made awhile back? You wanted your BF to take you out to a nice dinner since it had been awhile, and you brought that up after he spent $400 on computer parts was low on cash.

 

But I know what the OP said in regards to the way things are NOW with the update she gave. However, I was commenting on what her thoughts were when the thread started. I do agree w-you though that it would be messed up of him to suggest doing all these expensive things knowing he can't pay forcing her to pick up the tab. That's manipulative behavior.

[nadine5]

Not to get all pedantic and sh*t, but she also said this:

 

 

 

And this:

 

 

 

I don't know how expensive these things are that they're doing. But if HE says to her, "I want to go to this particular restaurant for dinner," and he lets her foot a $100 bill, don't you think that's a bit unfair?

 

I agree that he's not freeloading, but again, I don't think that's the issue. If you're in a relationship with someone who makes significantly less than you, or who has other things they need to be spending their discretionary income on, wouldn't it behoove you to keep their financial standing in mind? I would not want to put my BF in debt because I want to go to a concert or out to dinner.

 

If he's suggesting outings that OP can't afford, should she tell him point blank? Should she ask him to pay for the more expensive things? She mentioned in a previous post that he's quite tight-fisted, so does he intentionally suggest evenings out in the hopes that she'll pay? That'd be sh*tty if that's the case.

 

 

EXACTLY. I can feed two people a FEAST with drinks for $25 from the grocery store... going out to a fancy dinner is WAY more expensive. (And gas is very expensive as well!)

[wb1988]

It's 3 months, pretty early but I think it's okay to casual discuss finances. You can mention that you feel like you're paying more than you're comfortable with, and want him to start prying open his wallet.

 

If you do it correctly this conversation can even give the impression that you're in it for the long term. It's like me with birth control, the way I do it always gives the girl the impression that I'm heading the relationship towards someone long term.

[fitnessfan365]

EXACTLY. I can feed two people a FEAST with drinks for $25 from the grocery store... going out to a fancy dinner is WAY more expensive.

 

Haha.. That is true.

 

Compare dinner and a movie out - drinks, appetizers, meal, movie tickets, and theater goodies, to a home cooked meal and a Redbox movie. Easily a 1/5 of the cost.

[losangelena]

Haha.. Remember the thread you made awhile back? You wanted your BF to take you out to a nice dinner since it had been awhile, and you brought that up after he spent $400 on computer parts was low on cash.

 

Alright, you got me. It's true I did say that. Mea culpa.

 

HOWEVER, I was simply countering your argument by trying to clarify the point OP is trying to make NOW, not before in this thread.

 

 

And for the record, I totally let the dinner thing drop with my BF. We ended up going to a hole in the wall Indian joint that was A) cheap, and B) was actually the first Indian place we'd gone to together since dating. It ended up being a really enjoyable experience because it gave him a chance to get a taste of home, plus open up with me a bit more about his background and culture, which was nice.

[No_Go]

Ops. Sorry to hear. I had this before (with another guy), my bf now is not THAT bad with financial planning, just our current spending is not sustainable long term. That's what I'd like to communicate with him without being petty.

 

I had a boyfriend like this... he wiped out half of my savings in 8 months without me even realizing it. (I'm not great with finances...but come on). Tell him your concerns and do it now.

 

And yes, he used to want to do ALL kinds of fun stuff... go to the bar, go shopping, go to the movies... he was terrible with his money, sounds like your guy is too. Don't let him drag you down with him please.

[No_Go]

FF, I'm definitely not a free-loader, usually I tend to spin to the other extreme (cover more of the expenses and get resentful haha). Just with all his ideas, I have fun, but cannot predict my budget and that makes me anxious.

 

When you're just dating someone, it's pretty typical for the guy to take care of the financial more. But now that you're in a relationship, you should be pulling your weight financially OP. It isn't fair to still expect your BF to handle more of the financial than you.

[No_Go]

He makes like 10-15% more than me, however he has higher housing expenses and some debt, so I think we are about equal.

 

He's usually quite tightfisted indeed, so I'm sure he feels the pinch too. I am guessing a bit here, but I think that getting out a lot is what he thinks new couples should do to have a healthy relationship. I assume that because when we stay home, he usually apologizes to me (?).

 

I am not yet at the point to be unable to cover the expenses, but I would rather prefer to save more since my job is not stable long-term. Also because he does most of the planning, for him is easier to predict what the expenses will be and I need to guess a bit, which makes me anxious.

 

Regarding the roommate: I gave up trying to get them spend time together, but after all the arguments, my bf became very respectful that I need to spend more time at my own house and stopped talking negatively for my roommate, which is not ideal but ok for now. Working on a more sustainable solution, I'll update the other thread soon...

 

OP, does your BF make significantly more money than you?

 

Eventually you're going to have to get to a point of balance, where you're spending what you're willing to spend and so is he. If that means that you can't necessarily bankroll the things he wants to do, then you both learn to live a more frugal lifestyle. You say your BF is a bit of a tightwad. So how is it that you're feeling the pinch and he's not. When you offer to pay, are you paying for the both of you, or just you?

 

Also, maybe you already updated us, but what's new with him and your roommate?

[No_Go]

Precisely said

 

I don't think she's saying she wants him to pay more—it sounds like she's paying quite a bit—she's saying that paying her share (and also sometimes his share?) of the things he wants to do is causing her financial distress.

 

OP, do I have that right?

[No_Go]

When I offer he accepts every time though. Which btw is fine with me, I do not play "wallet tricks"

 

 

She also said that he's doing all the driving (gas is an expense) and that he always buys the groceries they use to cook with. So that ads up as well. So it's not like he's being a freeloader.

 

But this is what I was going off of :

 

 

 

As you can see, she wants him to pay for most of the dates out. But when you're in a relationship, the woman should be offering to pay for some of the dates. That was my point. But I will agree that he's accepting from her a bit too much. For example. My GF offers to pay every time we go out. But I only let her pay 30% of the time.

[No_Go]

LA, how is the communication going with your bf? Is it getting easier with time?

 

I'm just curious because I feel like the dynamics in your relationship is similar to ours with a bit of reversed roles in some respect (going out, different cultures, family introductions etc).

 

Not to get all pedantic and sh*t, but she also said this:

 

 

 

And this:

 

 

 

I don't know how expensive these things are that they're doing. But if HE says to her, "I want to go to this particular restaurant for dinner," and he lets her foot a $100 bill, don't you think that's a bit unfair?

 

I agree that he's not freeloading, but again, I don't think that's the issue. If you're in a relationship with someone who makes significantly less than you, or who has other things they need to be spending their discretionary income on, wouldn't it behoove you to keep their financial standing in mind? I would not want to put my BF in debt because I want to go to a concert or out to dinner.

 

If he's suggesting outings that OP can't afford, should she tell him point blank? Should she ask him to pay for the more expensive things? She mentioned in a previous post that he's quite tight-fisted, so does he intentionally suggest evenings out in the hopes that she'll pay? That'd be sh*tty if that's the case.

[losangelena]

Better, actually. I just updated. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/530527-feel-like-i-may-have-said-something-wrong-13.html#post6468314

[No_Go]

Any advice how to do the following talk in a constructive / non-confrontational manner? Main points are financial-related but not only. I postponed that talk I think to the point that it bothers me excessively

 

- I don't feel like I have enough word in the relationship (we're spending time in his place, he selects the places to go etc)

 

- He repeatedly say that he's not comfortable sharing things from the past early on in friendship; I assume relationship too. I have the gut feeling that he's hiding something

 

- I spend more money that I'm comfortable with (he picks more places to go than what I would prefer and visibly expects me to pay every so often for HIS choices)

 

- I'm not comfortable with his spending habits either: he'd be cheap on e.g. groceries, medical expenses, tips and clothes, and then go spend for (non-sensical in my opinion) sports gear, computer games for himself etc (for some reason he reports to me all his bills)

 

- He's a grown up man (38), but sometimes he acts as a teenager - I mean overprotective to his "toys" (car etc) and space; he gets confrontational (not with me, but with others in front of me)

 

- We're always on an "agenda": he loves planning dates and stuff, even at home he's either putting a podcast or tv on, I never really have the face-time to initiate serious conversations and I feel like he's doing it just for that reason (he mentioned tv and games stop him from "thoughts")

 

- And finally, with his bad financial habits, albeit good salary, I'm scared for the future - I really do want to be a home owner soon and save for retirement, and I expect the same from him if we stay together; I think he is planning just short-term...

 

Sorry for the long list, but I'd really appreciate advice on how to handle this. I am not yet convinced shall we go long term or break up, and since I'm not young (almost 31), I wouldn't be happy at all to drag this for an year (now it is almost 5 months) if we're not on the same page for long-term

[losangelena]

I think you can only approach it from the perspective of what YOU want/need, e.g., you're not going to get very far if you just bring up the things about him that you don't like (spending habits, etc).

 

It's hard, yes, but I would just be very blunt about the fact that you're having trouble paying for the kinds of things he wants to do. It doesn't have to be accusatory, but just like, "hey honey, I know you want to go do xyz, but I'm having a hard time financially right now and can't spend that kind of money." Or phrase it however you want. But see what he says. I mean, this'll be a good barometer for how he handles this kind of thing. There's no good reason for him to get upset over it, that'd be quite entitled.

 

Same with feeling like you have no say. Next time, jump in and make a suggestion. I know your living situation facilitates that you spend a lot of your time at his place, but if he suggests going somewhere you don't want to go, do you feel free to offer up a counter suggestion? If he wants to go out, and you want to stay in, do you tell him that? I've had to explicitly tell my BF what I want to do: it's such a nice day I don't want to spend it all inside; I want to go watch the Clippers game at a nearby bar; let's stay in and make dinner, etc. Guess what? Sometimes he doesn't want to do these things, but if that's the case, then I go do my own thing for a while and we come back together later and it's all hunky dory.

 

As far as getting him to open up and talk, well that might be a harder thing. Some people, usually guys, are not ones for having serious conversations. It's better to work on building a connection—making the guy feel close to you—than trying to figure out how to have some big discussion, because they will always wiggle out of it if they want. My BF has opened up about all sorts of things, but it's hardly ever been because I've prodded. When he's relaxed and feels lovey-dovey and close to me is when he opens up. You sound like you have your guard up a bit around your BF. He can probably sense that.

 

Also, what do you LIKE about him? The way you paint him, he sounds a bit awful (no offense). Sometimes it's good to think about the things you do enjoy, to keep it all in perspective.

 

Finally, these issues are not small issues. If you find yourself just unhappy or unable to freely talk about these issues or work them out, then this is going to be a very difficult relationship for you. If it persists, do you really want a relationship like that? Why do you want to stay with him?

[No_Go]

Thanks, this was quite helpful response.

 

Yeah, since I'm annoyed with him I feel like the "talk" will be accusing him rather than bringing up my own needs and I want to avoid that. I'll start with the spending habits, since this is something that cannot wait, and indeed, if he's a sane person he shouldn't get upset over it.

 

Regarding the date planning - haha, it is hard to get ahead of him, he's usually "prepared" with ideas before the time I could even think about that. I initially liked that, now is on my nerves.

 

Opening up... I don't want to pressure him as you said. I just don't know how I'll handle a big "revelation" for which I feel like he's preparing me for (saying "people" need time before they open up). You're right, I am guarded because of the other problems, I need to solve them to be able to relax with him and give him a chance to open up respectively.

 

And about things that I like, haha, I almost forgot about these (sounds awful, doesn't it?). He is one of the smartest people that I dated. He is very decisive and get things done. He's gentlemanly to me in many aspects: opens doors, drives me around, cooks me dinners, listens to my work rants and tries to be helpful:D He introduced me to his friends and family very early on, compliments me, checks up with me regularly when he thinks I'm upset about something. We have a very strong chemistry and flourishing sex life. Plus a lot of kissing, cuddling all the time, makes me feel wanted. We seem to be on the same page with wanting to settle soon (with each other or not). He is also very punctual - when we agree on something, he does it.

 

All in all, the scales of pros and cons are now about equal. I see a potential IF we can figure out how to communicate and fix the things that I mentioned...If not, I think we should say each other goodbye by the sixth month

 

I think you can only approach it from the perspective of what YOU want/need, e.g., you're not going to get very far if you just bring up the things about him that you don't like (spending habits, etc).

 

It's hard, yes, but I would just be very blunt about the fact that you're having trouble paying for the kinds of things he wants to do. It doesn't have to be accusatory, but just like, "hey honey, I know you want to go do xyz, but I'm having a hard time financially right now and can't spend that kind of money." Or phrase it however you want. But see what he says. I mean, this'll be a good barometer for how he handles this kind of thing. There's no good reason for him to get upset over it, that'd be quite entitled.

 

Same with feeling like you have no say. Next time, jump in and make a suggestion. I know your living situation facilitates that you spend a lot of your time at his place, but if he suggests going somewhere you don't want to go, do you feel free to offer up a counter suggestion? If he wants to go out, and you want to stay in, do you tell him that? I've had to explicitly tell my BF what I want to do: it's such a nice day I don't want to spend it all inside; I want to go watch the Clippers game at a nearby bar; let's stay in and make dinner, etc. Guess what? Sometimes he doesn't want to do these things, but if that's the case, then I go do my own thing for a while and we come back together later and it's all hunky dory.

 

As far as getting him to open up and talk, well that might be a harder thing. Some people, usually guys, are not ones for having serious conversations. It's better to work on building a connection—making the guy feel close to you—than trying to figure out how to have some big discussion, because they will always wiggle out of it if they want. My BF has opened up about all sorts of things, but it's hardly ever been because I've prodded. When he's relaxed and feels lovey-dovey and close to me is when he opens up. You sound like you have your guard up a bit around your BF. He can probably sense that.

 

Also, what do you LIKE about him? The way you paint him, he sounds a bit awful (no offense). Sometimes it's good to think about the things you do enjoy, to keep it all in perspective.

 

Finally, these issues are not small issues. If you find yourself just unhappy or unable to freely talk about these issues or work them out, then this is going to be a very difficult relationship for you. If it persists, do you really want a relationship like that? Why do you want to stay with him?

[losangelena]

Hearing your describe him, he really does sound a bit clueless and not like he's trying to take advantage of your money/generosity.

 

I think what you're going through is very common; my friends like to refer to them as "growing pains."

 

I know you say that these issues need to be resolved before you can let your guard down, and to some extent, I agree with you, but the resolution may not come around the way you think it will.

 

Here's an example from my own relationship.

 

Months ago, I told my BF that, because I live an hour away from him, and at the time had a nasty commute, and also don't have a car, that it would be easier for me to plan to see each other at least a day ahead of time. He's naturally not a planner (seriously, he will invite friends over for Saturday evening on Saturday morning, and wonder why no one is available ...), and because I'd brought it up in the heat of the moment, he got defensive and was basically like, "I don't want to commit to that; it's too much to plan ahead." He also was not comfortable letting me keep my stuff at his place.

 

Oooooo-kaaay. To me, that was such an *******-y thing to say. What, you can't plan ahead a g*ddamned day, seriously? He later apologized for being such an *******, but after a couple of weeks, he was back to asking me to come over day-of. Because I refused to schlep all my stuff with me by train back and forth, I kept on having to turn him down because I wasn't prepared to come over.

 

I knew nagging him was not going to help. Nor would making sure he got better at planning ahead (it's just who he is). So one Friday, when he asked if I was coming over later, I said yes. I didn't have a change of clothes or anything with me. The next day, he told me he was going to get a hair cut, and did I want to come along (we needed to do some shopping for an upcoming trip to Cancun). I said I'd love to, but that I needed to run home first because I didn't have any clothes to change into. Because he's the one with the car, he had to drive me home to change and get some stuff before going to get his hair cut. Pretty soon after that is when I said I could keep some stuff here if I wanted.

 

I didn't have to nag, or whine, or ask. All I did was SHOW him how much of a hassle it was, and when he saw that he was able to empathize and make a concession. I think he finally understood that having me over meant allowing me to take up a bit more room in his home.

 

If I'd sat him down to have a talk about it, I would probably not have gotten the same results. That's the key I think, to getting your partner to compromise and adapt—you need to be able to demonstrate to him why whatever issue is so important.

 

Anyway, good luck. Even if he's a bit older, it doesn't mean he knows how to do life with another human being. If I've learned anything about my relationship, is that it's OK to take up space in a relationship, and to be unhappy, and voice that unhappiness to a partner. You're in the process of seeing if you can live with the other person, and if you're too agreeable, you're not giving him the chance to see and get to know the real you.

[smackie9]

Guys don't see anything wrong unless you SPEAK UP.....they are not mind readers. So far you have talked him on one occasion? with np and he was willing to adjust.....but come on you have been on this thread for 2 months now......just ballz up and talk to him about everything. If you CANNOT communicate, then things will just get negative in your relationship. He's not going to get mad at you for speaking your mind...he will RESPECT YOU. Down the road if you don't work on your security issues, it's gonna just wear him down, and things will end badly.

[Gary S]

You two have been seeing each other long enough to have a discussion about date costs. Just talk to him...if he's a nice man, he won't mind paying a little more for a starving artist!

[No_Go]

Thanks! Your example sounds encouraging.

 

Haha, I tend to agree it is "growing pains" not manipulation because he really puts a lot of effort (admittedly way more than me) to maintain the relationship. I have to say his overeagerness to "work" on the relationship is actually part of the problem - he doesn't leave me space to contribute on my own terms (And I feel like I'm getting passive to resentful with all his eagerness).

 

The approach that you mentioned worked for the housing situation, to some extent. Now if I mention I need to be at home, he drives me there with no delay. He's also making baby steps into introducing himself to my household - e.g. bringing my stuff in and getting friends with my cat:D Not as bad as it was 2 months ago.

 

 

I think what you're going through is very common; my friends like to refer to them as "growing pains."

 

I know you say that these issues need to be resolved before you can let your guard down, and to some extent, I agree with you, but the resolution may not come around the way you think it will.