Money talk

[No_Go]

Yeah - it is indeed long time same issues, and yeah, I'm not speaking up too much - being afraid to sound petty.

 

So pretty much don't know how to approach the conversation. LA gave some suggestions - I'll try to implement.

 

(e.g. I was about to bring the dating cost topic when he showed me he spent $200 for tickets for an event for us... How to approach it in this situation?

Now, I haven't asked him to do so, but don't want to under-appreciate his efforts. On the other side, I still feel a little resentful I paid for our last 3 dinners out... Although the cost is probably matched, my budget is hurting).

 

 

Guys don't see anything wrong unless you SPEAK UP.....they are not mind readers. So far you have talked him on one occasion? with np and he was willing to adjust.....but come on you have been on this thread for 2 months now......just ballz up and talk to him about everything. If you CANNOT communicate, then things will just get negative in your relationship. He's not going to get mad at you for speaking your mind...he will RESPECT YOU. Down the road if you don't work on your security issues, it's gonna just wear him down, and things will end badly.

[Vercetti]

If someone with roommates and no car made segustions for my finances after three months...I would laugh. I'm paying full rent / mortage, own car or paying note plus all upkeep. Now have someone paying fractions what I am with reletive income calling me tight fisted. Maybe if I had roommates and no car going out four times a week would be realistic...BUT

[Lois_Griffin]

Since I started this thread, we balanced out the finances in our relationship: he is now paying for about every other date, and I'm contributing for groceries&gas more.

 

However, I'm still not 100% ok with the financial situation. He initiates a lot of trips, visits to places, restaurants etc. I'm not a big initiator, if left up to me, we'll be out way less. I offer to pay roughly half of the times we go out, and evaluating my spending, it is significant.

 

How to address this situation? Ask him to go out less often? Or leave him pay for most if he insists going out? Or get more active in initiating and reduce the costs that way? I feel silly to bring this up again, but somehow I'm really bad in talking money (and still we're not in a stage to make a defined budget I think).

I'm confused.

 

You said he's making about the same amount you do but HE has debt to pay off. How is he able to afford to do all this dating if you both make the same amount? Is someone else paying his rent?

[Lois_Griffin]

She also said that he's doing all the driving (gas is an expense) and that he always buys the groceries they use to cook with.

It's not like he's driving 30 miles each way to pick her up. She said she can ride her BIKE to his place so it can't be more than a couple of miles. Hardly a back-breaking expense, gas-wise.

[No_Go]

Just ranting but...........Well don't laugh too fast.................

 

I CAN afford to live alone and have a car BUT i am planning a future. I'm not waiting for mommy&daddy to cover my down payment or car so I need to save. I save for retirement too, from years. If I have kids, I plan to start saving for them before they're born. I have saved for emergencies too. I also invest.

 

He's way behind me on these. That concerns me. Not to mention he has debt which boggles me for his age and spending habits. He's well payed but doesn't think much ahead - I'll do him good if he can see that, even if we don't stay together. If we stay together it will be crucial for both our futures.

 

Again, just ranting but I felt like you misread me completely.

 

If someone with roommates and no car made segustions for my finances after three months...I would laugh. I'm paying full rent / mortage, own car or paying note plus all upkeep. Now have someone paying fractions what I am with reletive income calling me tight fisted. Maybe if I had roommates and no car going out four times a week would be realistic...BUT

[No_Go]

He's paying it himself. He makes a bit more than me, has less disposable income though (higher rent, debt, car etc).

 

I think he's just not planning on saving. Else he'd be as concerned as I am. Or more But somehow the idea that at least 1/3 of the income should NOT be touched in a given month is foreign for him. Sad.

 

I'm confused.

 

You said he's making about the same amount you do but HE has debt to pay off. How is he able to afford to do all this dating if you both make the same amount? Is someone else paying his rent?

[No_Go]

Yeah, and if we go for longer trips I do offer to pay for the gas.

 

It's not like he's driving 30 miles each way to pick her up. She said she can ride her BIKE to his place so it can't be more than a couple of miles. Hardly a back-breaking expense, gas-wise.

[Lois_Griffin]

Just ranting but...........Well don't laugh too fast.................

 

I CAN afford to live alone and have a car BUT i am planning a future. I'm not waiting for mommy&daddy to cover my down payment or car so I need to save. I save for retirement too, from years. If I have kids, I plan to start saving for them before they're born. I have saved for emergencies too. I also invest.

 

He's way behind me on these. That concerns me. Not to mention he has debt which boggles me for his age and spending habits. He's well payed but doesn't think much ahead - I'll do him good if he can see that, even if we don't stay together. If we stay together it will be crucial for both our futures.

 

Again, just ranting but I felt like you misread me completely.

I have to admit I thought he was like 22 when I first started reading this thread. I was pretty shocked to hear that he's closing in on 40 and is still acting so irresponsibly and living for today.

 

Honestly, you need to find someone with a better head on their shoulders. He sounds like a young kid who just wants to go out and have fun all the time and lives paycheck to paycheck.

 

You have a much more pragmatic view of things and that means you won't be eating cat food when you're 65, like this guy will.

 

Seriously. Reconsider finding a more responsible partner like yourself.

[No_Go]

He's not that bad, admittedly was till recently, but he is making progress I think.

 

And I think that he is hang on dating events so much because that's how he assume the things should be in a new relationship...I'll talk to him and we'll see from there...

 

I have to admit I thought he was like 22 when I first started reading this thread. I was pretty shocked to hear that he's closing in on 40 and is still acting so irresponsibly and living for today.

 

Honestly, you need to find someone with a better head on their shoulders. He sounds like a young kid who just wants to go out and have fun all the time and lives paycheck to paycheck.

 

You have a much more pragmatic view of things and that means you won't be eating cat food when you're 65, like this guy will.

 

Seriously. Reconsider finding a more responsible partner like yourself.

[Versacehottie]

he doesn't leave me space to contribute on my own terms (And I feel like I'm getting passive to resentful with all his eagerness).

 

 

I don't see why you are blaming him essentially for something that is your responsibility. It's victim-y. You can't blame him if you have chosen not to speak up. Own it and correct it now if you have the urge to contribute. You should be contributing btw.

 

Regarding your financial stuff, honestly, again. You have a responsibility to yourself and what you can afford to pull back and if those date nights are your financial responsibility you need to find a way to do them to what you can afford. Not blame him because you didn't not participate in deciding where to go and what you can pay for. It's passive aggressive and then your offer to pay isn't really genuine if you are keeping track.

 

As you have described it, it does seem like the breakdown is fair. But you are still keeping score and wanting to meddle in how he spends his money. It's none of your business at this point (you are not married or contemplating a living together future). If he is pushing you out of your comfort zone with what you can afford, it's your responsibility to remedy it. He's not doing that without your participation. If he enjoys spending time with you, it shouldn't be a problem. you both just have to be more creative and think a little harder about what fits your budget. Honestly you do sound more than a little nit-picky. I'm not sure the problem is him. If he is cheaping out with his portion and you are sure the breakdown isn't fair or he's trying to get something over on you then either switch off where sometimes you buy the home food and gas or actually if he's trying to outwit your to avoid paying, I would break up with. Though you might just both be clashing misers. Idk. Sorry. and good luck.

[No_Go]

Ok, I take the critics. I have acted passive communication-wise.

 

Also, this tread looks so ridiculous because I was trying to justify his actions for myself... Some users noticed the breakdown disparity regardless.

 

At my age I would not enter a relationship if I am not contemplating a long-term future together, that's why I am very weary about his spending habits.

 

But still, I do plan to talk to him, that's the main advice here and IRL, and I can see why is important. We'll go from there:)

 

I don't see why you are blaming him essentially for something that is your responsibility. It's victim-y. You can't blame him if you have chosen not to speak up. Own it and correct it now if you have the urge to contribute. You should be contributing btw.

 

Regarding your financial stuff, honestly, again. You have a responsibility to yourself and what you can afford to pull back and if those date nights are your financial responsibility you need to find a way to do them to what you can afford. Not blame him because you didn't not participate in deciding where to go and what you can pay for. It's passive aggressive and then your offer to pay isn't really genuine if you are keeping track.

 

As you have described it, it does seem like the breakdown is fair. But you are still keeping score and wanting to meddle in how he spends his money. It's none of your business at this point (you are not married or contemplating a living together future). If he is pushing you out of your comfort zone with what you can afford, it's your responsibility to remedy it. He's not doing that without your participation. If he enjoys spending time with you, it shouldn't be a problem. you both just have to be more creative and think a little harder about what fits your budget. Honestly you do sound more than a little nit-picky. I'm not sure the problem is him. If he is cheaping out with his portion and you are sure the breakdown isn't fair or he's trying to get something over on you then either switch off where sometimes you buy the home food and gas or actually if he's trying to outwit your to avoid paying, I would break up with. Though you might just both be clashing misers. Idk. Sorry. and good luck.

[Versacehottie]

But it seems like you are being hard-headed like your way is the only right way because it is more responsible and has great savings component. Sometimes people just are not or ever going to be on same page OR willing to make a compromise or see a workable solution with their significant other. I think this really may be the case with you guys. Money is one of, if not the biggest sources, of conflict in a marriage. So I wouldn't marry someone if you are not in a workable compromise with how you will approach your finances. One that you can live with. Right now I think you are just hoping against hope that you can change him. He's not inherently wrong. You're not inherently wrong. You probably are just incompatible because this is a huge issue and you feel strongly about it. good luck

[Vercetti]

Just ranting but...........Well don't laugh too fast.................

 

I CAN afford to live alone and have a car BUT i am planning a future. I'm not waiting for mommy&daddy to cover my down payment or car so I need to save. I save for retirement too, from years. If I have kids, I plan to start saving for them before they're born. I have saved for emergencies too. I also invest.

 

He's way behind me on these. That concerns me. Not to mention he has debt which boggles me for his age and spending habits. He's well payed but doesn't think much ahead - I'll do him good if he can see that, even if we don't stay together. If we stay together it will be crucial for both our futures.

 

Again, just ranting but I felt like you misread me completely.

 

I was just giving a reaction, you wish to bring this up with him. I'm a natural ******* and have done rather well. His reaction can't be harsh as mine, hence paying off debt probably not so good at math. Maybe some clueless rage. Anyhow if saving for car, buy something you own. Don't be a fool that spends 30k with 10k in intrest to own something worth 1.5k a decade from now when bank finally releases title. Hah that's why brought up his greater expence with car, going to work to pay for the car to go to work.

[No_Go]

Yes, I am a little hard-headed on this.

 

Just the things doesn't match. With his close to six figure salary he can't yet pay off student debt (10 years old)? Has bad credit? He mentioned he had hurdles in the past, but he's in his current well paid job for 2 years..

 

I really need to discuss this all with him, I though we're still too early on (5 months) to talk finances in details, but I need it for peace of mind, and also for being able to understand his strategy better, and get to a reasonable compromise if possible.

 

But it seems like you are being hard-headed like your way is the only right way because it is more responsible and has great savings component. Sometimes people just are not or ever going to be on same page OR willing to make a compromise or see a workable solution with their significant other. I think this really may be the case with you guys. Money is one of, if not the biggest sources, of conflict in a marriage. So I wouldn't marry someone if you are not in a workable compromise with how you will approach your finances. One that you can live with. Right now I think you are just hoping against hope that you can change him. He's not inherently wrong. You're not inherently wrong. You probably are just incompatible because this is a huge issue and you feel strongly about it. good luck

[No_Go]

Thanks, I agree for the car strategy.

 

Btw he is VERY good at math, so I think the debt issues stem from something else that I still cannot point out........Maybe he was a slow bloomer or something bigger.

 

Writing here made me think.......... I misinterpreted the whole situation. First: the communication problem is mainly mine, not his. Second - his weird spending habits have nothing to do with me - he's not clueless with his finances but going from a very low point to relative stability (I remember I start splurging like this for eating out etc after I got my first paid job........)

 

I was just giving a reaction, you wish to bring this up with him. I'm a natural ******* and have done rather well. His reaction can't be harsh as mine, hence paying off debt probably not so good at math. Maybe some clueless rage. Anyhow if saving for car, buy something you own. Don't be a fool that spends 30k with 10k in intrest to own something worth 1.5k a decade from now when bank finally releases title. Hah that's why brought up his greater expence with car, going to work to pay for the car to go to work.

[Vercetti]

Yes, I am a little hard-headed on this.

 

Just the things doesn't match. With his close to six figure salary he can't yet pay off student debt (10 years old)? Has bad credit? He mentioned he had hurdles in the past, but he's in his current well paid job for 2 years..

 

I really need to discuss this all with him, I though we're still too early on (5 months) to talk finances in details, but I need it for peace of mind, and also for being able to understand his strategy better, and get to a reasonable compromise if possible.

 

Lmfao. It's not what you have but what do with it. I knew someone pulling 100k a year. Did not own car or house, no savings, no investments. No nice cloths. They had to finiance a bed, yes a bed. They got suckered into one of those 3k mmemory foam beds...lol I got the same for 300.

 

I ore or less retired in a few years with those wages. He doesn't even have a nice computer where did his money go, instant gratification stupidity and student loans for the amazing job he will be doing til falls over dead

[No_Go]

LOL my guy did something similar with his bed. Still Im clueless why he spend so much money on a bed at time when he was broke............

 

Lmfao. It's not what you have but what do with it. I knew someone pulling 100k a year. Did not own car or house, no savings, no investments. No nice cloths. They had to finiance a bed, yes a bed. They got suckered into one of those 3k mmemory foam beds...lol I got the same for 300.

 

I ore or less retired in a few years with those wages. He doesn't even have a nice computer where did his money go, instant gratification stupidity and student loans for the amazing job he will be doing til falls over dead

[losangelena]

Yes, I am a little hard-headed on this.

 

Just the things doesn't match. With his close to six figure salary he can't yet pay off student debt (10 years old)? Has bad credit? He mentioned he had hurdles in the past, but he's in his current well paid job for 2 years..

 

I really need to discuss this all with him, I though we're still too early on (5 months) to talk finances in details, but I need it for peace of mind, and also for being able to understand his strategy better, and get to a reasonable compromise if possible.

 

 

OP, I think if something like finances are so important to you, then it's NEVER too early to talk about them.

 

I once had a pretty decent first date with a guy, but was still looking/meeting others. After our date, I was tinkering with my profile and answered a question about wanting kids that I hadn't answered before. Well, he noticed a big drop in our compatibility number, so he went in and checked why. Turns out, the ONLY question this guy had weighted on his profile was the kids question because he was very adamantly opposed to having them. Once he found out I did want kids, or was even open the possibility of having kids (after date one!), he told me we couldn't keep seeing each other. And he'd even planned a second outing! There was no, "I like this person so let's see if we can work it out," which was a little jarring, but I can respect it.

 

In your case though, you seem a bit caught up in the "what-ifs." In your other thread, it's almost like you're waiting for some kind of shoe to drop with this guy. You have a feeling he's hiding something from his past, you're concerned that his spending habits and bad credit will be a boon on his (and I suppose possibly your) future. I'm curious to know what about him makes you think that, and what you think it could possibly be.

 

I think you're drawing very negative conclusions based on assumptions. You seem nervous to question him or get clarification on these issues, so you're left on your own to not only do some very creative math, but to do a lot of hand wringing over it.

 

My therapist loves to talk about the difference between vagueness and specificity. Vagueness, avoidance, an unwillingness to deal with issues, causes anxiety. Specificity and clarity dissolve anxiety. Yes, maybe the reality of a situation SEEMS scary upfront, but when you understand the scope of an issue or problem, then you can work on actually finding a solution.

 

Maybe you won't necessarily be able to get complete clarity FROM your BF. Maybe he can't or won't be completely upfront with you about his past, or maybe he'll get defensive if you question his spending habits. But what you can do is be clear with him about not only what you want, but what you're able to give, both emotionally and financially.

 

I want to own a home one day.

No, I don't want to spend $200 on concert tickets.

I won't date someone with a criminal record.

It's important to me to save money.

I don't like it when you plan things for us to do all the time.

 

 

And on and on and on. This is your responsibility in the relationship.

 

In your BF's case, from what you've written, it sounds like he's come from a deficit when it comes to finances. He truly struggled before and is perhaps not struggling so much now. It sounds like he's LEARNING to be responsible. That's called progress. If he's not at the place of fiscal responsibility that you're at, it doesn't mean he won't be. A lot of people got tripped up by credit cards and student loans in their 20s. Having debt is not so much of a problem, but rather a lack of progress in learning how to manage it.

 

Anyway. I don't mean to lecture or berate. I just think that YOU will feel much better in your relationship if you start to speak up for yourself. He'll either rise to meet you or he won't.

[Versacehottie]

It's only when you start to speak up about what you think and want will you see what his values are in these areas by his responses and things he says. I think you originally posed it as an all or nothing--and maybe still with the way you say you are going to have a discussion with him. Is the discussion to tell him to get his sh*t together financially or else OR to find out what he thinks and what his goals are with regard to finances and express yours? You are not the boss of this decision because you are more responsible and he wants to be with you. Basically you need to compare notes and see where you stand. No one is wrong or right. Frankly, someone who didn't have a car in order to save money and lean on others for rides when you must make around $100K (since you said you earn around same as him) is too extreme the other direction, IMO.

 

I don't think you will find that you are on the same page in the long run but you never know. Sorry if I'm sounding harsh. I just don't think that you are understanding that you can't force your own values onto someone else and if they are miles apart, it just may not be workable. I think that's why originally and still now, others and I still do now, don't think it's your place to discuss a dating budget with him--you can discuss what YOU have to spend and make adjustments to your end if need be. That again speaks to your values. His money and what he does with it really isn't your concern. Either you find how he lives his life regarding money as something you want to date or something you don't.

 

I agree with you that you should have your own future and goals in mind--when you make this decision. And it's right of you to want something with someone who has similar values as you do in this major area of life and future. I don't think you should try to impose it on someone who doesn't fit that mold though. To be fair, his real financial goals etc may be more in line with yours because he doesn't know what your true ones are. You have been rather put out and not acting in accordance with your true beliefs because it was easier than speaking up. But you resented it. He may be overspending to try impress you or have fun at beginning of relationship. But you have both said that he is careless with his money and kinda miser-like with the splitting of things. Which is it really? What I'm saying is that those characteristics don't really go together which suggests that you are the one who is hypersensitive about how money is used within your relationship and you are not really happy unless you have total control. That doesn't really baud well for any relationship--no matter what a person's views are on money. Good luck with the talk--maybe he will appreciate the structure and your diligence.

Edited August 5, 2015 by Versacehottie

[No_Go]

Thanks LA, your analysis and specific examples are helpful. I agree with your therapist about assumptions&anxiety, haha, mine is saying similar things.

 

Regarding the fears: I am afraid that he is hiding something indeed based on the way how he explains me that it is not good to trust people too fast etc. My guess is it is something that he has done out of stupidity during college or grad school - I guess DYI accident (but how bad? did he kill someone??) and/or drug usage (?) in the same time. Probably not a deal breaker IF he admits it (I'll find it out one way or another.....). I hope it is not something shocking......he has governmental job, which involves background checks (but just 6 months back - his statement).

 

For his spending habits: actually we spoke about it. Indeed he's coming from a deficit. He changed multiple jobs, and was unemployed for few months last year. Also changed states many times including last year. He requested his credit reports and said he's trying to improve in the next 6 months, so there is a progress in that sense. Saving-wise - he doesn't seem too concerned.... but shockingly, he stated he wants to buy a house not a condo (no timescales given though.....).

 

Speaking up is still a struggle for me somehow.... But thinking more about it, we seem to be discussing the big topics, just in a casual way (I prefer more punctual discussions.....which I guess I'll need to convey to him). It is so difficult to adjust to another person, haha, I feel more respect for committed couples now - they must have been through "growing pains" too

 

In your case though, you seem a bit caught up in the "what-ifs." In your other thread, it's almost like you're waiting for some kind of shoe to drop with this guy. You have a feeling he's hiding something from his past, you're concerned that his spending habits and bad credit will be a boon on his (and I suppose possibly your) future. I'm curious to know what about him makes you think that, and what you think it could possibly be.

 

I think you're drawing very negative conclusions based on assumptions. You seem nervous to question him or get clarification on these issues, so you're left on your own to not only do some very creative math, but to do a lot of hand wringing over it.

 

My therapist loves to talk about the difference between vagueness and specificity. Vagueness, avoidance, an unwillingness to deal with issues, causes anxiety. Specificity and clarity dissolve anxiety. Yes, maybe the reality of a situation SEEMS scary upfront, but when you understand the scope of an issue or problem, then you can work on actually finding a solution.

 

Maybe you won't necessarily be able to get complete clarity FROM your BF. Maybe he can't or won't be completely upfront with you about his past, or maybe he'll get defensive if you question his spending habits. But what you can do is be clear with him about not only what you want, but what you're able to give, both emotionally and financially.

 

I want to own a home one day.

No, I don't want to spend $200 on concert tickets.

I won't date someone with a criminal record.

It's important to me to save money.

I don't like it when you plan things for us to do all the time.

 

 

And on and on and on. This is your responsibility in the relationship.

 

In your BF's case, from what you've written, it sounds like he's come from a deficit when it comes to finances. He truly struggled before and is perhaps not struggling so much now. It sounds like he's LEARNING to be responsible. That's called progress. If he's not at the place of fiscal responsibility that you're at, it doesn't mean he won't be. A lot of people got tripped up by credit cards and student loans in their 20s. Having debt is not so much of a problem, but rather a lack of progress in learning how to manage it.

 

Anyway. I don't mean to lecture or berate. I just think that YOU will feel much better in your relationship if you start to speak up for yourself. He'll either rise to meet you or he won't.

[No_Go]

Thanks VH, I really struggle with speaking up, and structuring a no black-white discussion. Both of us are not starving indeed (for now), I don't think I am a miser, but I have been burned quite bad by a man before http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/504300-break-up-live-mooching-boyfriend

..... and I realize now this experience still affects me

 

On the major goals in life we agree, discussed many times. I just don't see the steps towards them from his side (for now). And yeah, I get worked up when I pay the dinners and he invests into video games (?), but I guess that's petty.

 

So miser vs overspending guy - he really shows features of both. The dating overspending I think he's doing because he thinks that's the way (his words were "two people are only once in a new relationship"), because I pay a lot of it (often more than him), and because he is having a stable cash flow from his job now (and struggled a lot in the near past). So my hopes are this is temporary state... He overspends on things that he cares about, like electronics, furniture, sports gear, and is a miser for other things (like double checking coffee price).

 

I guess I'm still getting used to the life in a couple, maybe he is too, and have my own anxiety issues based on past interactions with users... I realize do complain a lot about him here, but in the end he is a person that I care about and has showed me more respect and affection than anyone before.... My hope is we have a chance to work around compatibility issues.

 

It's only when you start to speak up about what you think and want will you see what his values are in these areas by his responses and things he says. I think you originally posed it as an all or nothing--and maybe still with the way you say you are going to have a discussion with him. Is the discussion to tell him to get his sh*t together financially or else OR to find out what he thinks and what his goals are with regard to finances and express yours? You are not the boss of this decision because you are more responsible and he wants to be with you. Basically you need to compare notes and see where you stand. No one is wrong or right. Frankly, someone who didn't have a car in order to save money and lean on others for rides when you must make around $100K (since you said you earn around same as him) is too extreme the other direction, IMO.

 

I don't think you will find that you are on the same page in the long run but you never know. Sorry if I'm sounding harsh. I just don't think that you are understanding that you can't force your own values onto someone else and if they are miles apart, it just may not be workable. I think that's why originally and still now, others and I still do now, don't think it's your place to discuss a dating budget with him--you can discuss what YOU have to spend and make adjustments to your end if need be. That again speaks to your values. His money and what he does with it really isn't your concern. Either you find how he lives his life regarding money as something you want to date or something you don't.

 

I agree with you that you should have your own future and goals in mind--when you make this decision. And it's right of you to want something with someone who has similar values as you do in this major area of life and future. I don't think you should try to impose it on someone who doesn't fit that mold though. To be fair, his real financial goals etc may be more in line with yours because he doesn't know what your true ones are. You have been rather put out and not acting in accordance with your true beliefs because it was easier than speaking up. But you resented it. He may be overspending to try impress you or have fun at beginning of relationship. But you have both said that he is careless with his money and kinda miser-like with the splitting of things. Which is it really? What I'm saying is that those characteristics don't really go together which suggests that you are the one who is hypersensitive about how money is used within your relationship and you are not really happy unless you have total control. That doesn't really baud well for any relationship--no matter what a person's views are on money. Good luck with the talk--maybe he will appreciate the structure and your diligence.

[Versacehottie]

Thanks VH, I really struggle with speaking up, and structuring a no black-white discussion. Both of us are not starving indeed (for now), I don't think I am a miser, but I have been burned quite bad by a man before http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/504300-break-up-live-mooching-boyfriend

..... and I realize now this experience still affects me

 

On the major goals in life we agree, discussed many times. I just don't see the steps towards them from his side (for now). And yeah, I get worked up when I pay the dinners and he invests into video games (?), but I guess that's petty.

 

So miser vs overspending guy - he really shows features of both. The dating overspending I think he's doing because he thinks that's the way (his words were "two people are only once in a new relationship"), because I pay a lot of it (often more than him), and because he is having a stable cash flow from his job now (and struggled a lot in the near past). So my hopes are this is temporary state... He overspends on things that he cares about, like electronics, furniture, sports gear, and is a miser for other things (like double checking coffee price).

 

I guess I'm still getting used to the life in a couple, maybe he is too, and have my own anxiety issues based on past interactions with users... I realize do complain a lot about him here, but in the end he is a person that I care about and has showed me more respect and affection than anyone before.... My hope is we have a chance to work around compatibility issues.

 

Yeah speaking up isn't the easiest thing if it's not in your nature and it's a tough subject with a potential outcome that you care a lot about. Ouch! I skimmed over your previous live-in situation. I'm sure you are done thinking about that so I won't comment other than to say it's good to come to a new relationship without being paranoid the same things will happen to you. It's not fair to the new guy. Glad you finally talked to him btw.

 

So here's the next point of a problem that I think you need to sort out in your head. You said above: And yeah, I get worked up when I pay the dinners and he invests into video games but I guess that's petty. Well actually if he is paying for the split of your dating expenses and you are paying for yours as you've agreed, it is out of line. You can only really have a say where finances are effectively co-mingled--like dating expenses on which you have an agreement. So the question is: is the split of dating expenses fair? If not, then of course you have a right to re-negotiate or be upset. What he does with his EXTRA money, as frivolous as it may be, is not really any of your business to comment on. Sure take notice because you are making dating decisions of your own. If the split of dating expenses is fair and you agreed to it, to be mad about his personal spending is wrong. It doesn't affect you because his money is not part of a mutual POOL of money. It's controlling to be upset or try to change that if dating expenses have been split fairly. You may be upset because you are spending more than you would like to stay in relationship. You just need to tell him with the split what you can afford. Or if you are supposed to pay for 2 dinners out a week, do them cheaper or eat them in as well (same as his dinners in). I think eating in, BTW, can almost be as expensive as eating out. You just have to get creative. As far as him spending money on video games, well that is something you should take NOTE of. You can't change it or control it in him and he may make efforts now that you've had your talk. But these are things you want to notice about your partner because they will just be a source of conflict if you get married or move in.

 

I don't think he's a bad guy and it can be hard to compromise in a couple. I think you both have work to do in the area of money and attitudes toward money--you as much as him. You need to see it more from his point of view in order to "get there". I'm sorry if you've been hurt or used before but you want to take what you've learned in those instances and not swing completely the other direction. Basically use lessons you've learned to guide yourself not control the other person. Bad experiences hopefully give us better judgement in the future. Meaning from your bad experiences you now know what to look for in order to WALK AWAY. Some parts of your current dilemma are speaking up, communicating and compromise with your partner. The other parts you are having problems with are just notice him for who he is and decide if you do or do not want to be with someone like that. Make sense?Good luck

[lucy_in_disguise]

Can you structure the communication to focus on both of your tangible goals- and what you are doing to get there? That should give you more clarity regarding whether you are compatible, and would not need to be focused on who pays for what.

 

Regarding paying for dates, it mught be easier to get on the same page if you both just paid your sharw each time you go out (or stay in) rather than alternating.

 

Once you have the goals convo, it should be easier to guide your activities to be more aligned with your gaols- ie, if he proposes going to a $200 concert, remind him that you are trying to save money.

 

I will say though- its not unreasonable for you to take his financial habits into consideration as you decide wehther this relationship has the potential of being more serious. It is also essential that you be able to communicate- and if you are unable to, for whatever reason, it may not be all on you. In my experience, some people are easier to communicate with than others. My last relationship was with a guy in his early 30s and lasted 4 years. He was so uncomfortable with "serious" topics that it took 3 years for me to learn how much money he made. During that time, i assumed the problem was mine, and i spent hundreds on therapy trying to learn how to improve my communication. My currebt bf is only 25 and we have only been dating a couple of months, but talking about our financial (and other) goals just came naturally.

[Versacehottie]

Can you structure the communication to focus on both of your tangible goals- and what you are doing to get there? That should give you more clarity regarding whether you are compatible, and would not need to be focused on who pays for what.

 

Regarding paying for dates, it mught be easier to get on the same page if you both just paid your sharw each time you go out (or stay in) rather than alternating.

 

Once you have the goals convo, it should be easier to guide your activities to be more aligned with your gaols- ie, if he proposes going to a $200 concert, remind him that you are trying to save money.

 

 

good ideas. Especially if they just pay their share each time they do something together, the splitting dates costs issue is resolved. Which might make OP feel better about things in general. She will just need to remember to speak up since her guy often has plans already made that way she can participate and determine whether she can afford to go or not. Yes if you guys are discussing where you see your lives heading as it relates to finances, you will see if you are truly compatible. Be cautious that you are not just getting lip service or that he isn't postponing a true answer of "when" he sees stuff happening. As with a lot of stuff in relationships and our individual lives, it's a framework and goals. Hard to make it a promise that happens perfectly. This is where you want to pay attention and having been burned should come into play in that you notice more than you did last time.

[No_Go]

Thanks VH and Lucy, yeah, the splitting vs alternating I'm keeping as last resort since he rejected it when we first started dating - maybe now he'll change his mind if I insist.

 

The idea for setting common goals and spending accordingly also looks good - I'll explore this option soon, since I have a good situation to bring it up naturally.

 

And on the comment that the communication issues are not coming just from my side: certainly, he has social anxiety and other issues that makes it much harder than talking to other people in my life (exes, friends), but still I feel like it is worth to put the effort.