Ex is encouraging my daughter to call another man "Daddy."

[Keenly]

Instead of approaching her with anger, approach her with common sense.

 

Tell her that you don't want your daughter to grow up confused.

Ask her how she would feel if you dated someone and had your daughter call the girl Mommy?

Tell her that you love your daughter and you are her only Daddy, and ask her to pleases respect that and come up with another cute name for the boyfriend.

 

This would hurt really badly. I am sorry.

 

Already tried this. Didn't work. She said the situation " didn't apply " even though it's a linear comparison.

[pteromom]

Here's the thing. She might be an idiot, and make Stupid choices, she is the best mom in the world to our daughte, save for this situation.

 

I do not want her taken froM her mother, that would benefit no one.

 

If the situation is as bad as you describe, then it would benefit your daughter to be removed from it.

 

Growing up with a man like this is going to permanently scar her. It's going to make her choose a man like this herself. It is going to lead to cutting, to drugs. I have seen it over and over with the young people in my own life.

 

She can't be in a toxic environment.

 

Maybe a good thing to do if you aren't ready to call the authorities is to drop the fight with her, and instead, befriend her. Be her shoulder to cry on, not an enemy. Give her a safe place to take her daughter if something BAD ever happens. Give her a place to talk about this guy.

 

It would take quite a bit of strength to do it, because you would have to bite your tongue until it bleeds so she trusts you. But it would be good for your daughter, and good for the relationship between the three of you.

[GorillaTheater]

Keenly, I'm sorry about the mama drama. Be there for her, be her rock, and she'll never forget who her Daddy is.

 

She is just about as cute as she can be.

[d0nnivain]

Here's the thing. She might be an idiot, and make Stupid choices, she is the best mom in the world to our daughte, save for this situation.

 

I do not want her taken froM her mother, that would benefit no one.

 

Who is benefiting by your daughter being exposed to this violent other man? Do you think your daughter is being helped by seeing her mom beat up? What's going to happen when this jerk hits your daughter

 

 

If she was truly the "best mom in the world" she would never expose her baby to this.

 

 

You need to be a real dad to your daughter & get her the heck out of that situation. It's dangerous.

[Timshel]

Here's the thing. She might be an idiot, and make Stupid choices, she is the best mom in the world to our daughte, save for this situation.

 

I do not want her taken froM her mother, that would benefit no one.

 

With this level of drama? Having her taken from her mother would be a very difficult decision.

There are mother's who choose to walk from situations half as detrimental as this.

At the end of the day, you know what is best for your child. The typed word won't convey the whole picture. Also, it will always be what a person is accosomted to.

A cold day in hell would not allow my children to be exposed to shenanigans on this level.

You seem to know what is right but are hesitant to cause waves.

I make some compromises with my ex, pick and choose my battles, so I understand to a degree.

This is more dysfunctional that I would tolerate when it comes to my kids. I hope that you are able to work things out with civility. That would be my advice; take the high road and when it comes to your kids having a good psychology for their future, make no compromise.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Instead of approaching her with anger, approach her with common sense.

 

Tell her that you don't want your daughter to grow up confused.

Ask her how she would feel if you dated someone and had your daughter call the girl Mommy?

Tell her that you love your daughter and you are her only Daddy, and ask her to please respect that and come up with another cute name for the boyfriend.

 

This would hurt really badly. I am sorry.

This is so true Keenly I hope you can go along with it, your anger is 100% understandable and I would feel the same way but to sway this situation and help your daughter not to be in the middle of a power struggle between you & her mom please don't approach the mom with anger.

 

OTOH if he is hitting the mom in front of the daughter you really have alot to worry about and I think you need to get child protective services involved and start trying to get custody.

[Keenly]

I told her to bounce it off of her peers and see how many agree with her.

 

I can't imagine a single person in her life telling her that what she is doing is a good idea.

 

I will not have this turn into a slugfest in the courtroom. She's very vindictive and very petty, so I might win the battle, yet face a war of attrition for another ten years.

 

 

I'm really Hoping one day she will grow the hell up, but I've been wishing for that for longer than my little one has been alive.

 

 

As for being her friend, I was.

 

Cycle goes as follows.

 

We're friendly, great parenting team. Good communication.

 

She gets back with him. All communication ceases.

 

She starts snapping at me for the littlest things ( not dropping everything I'm doing to take my daughter last minute because she wants to go out on a day that was not dedesignated as a daddy day.

 

She starts making up reasons to argue.

 

They fight / break up. She comes crying to me asking for advice on how to improve her life.

 

I tell her, she pretends to listen. Follows advice for about 2 weeks.

 

He comes back, repeat all steps.

[MissBee]

My daughter is 2. Her and I have a great relationship and we have a lot of fun together.

 

My ex encourages her to call her boyfriend daddy, and doesn't seem to understand nor care when I call her on this mockery.

 

I told her it's confusing to our daughter and completely disrespectful but she seems to think there is nothing wrong with it.

 

 

I'm FURIOUS right now.

 

I'd have a problem with this too. If you weren't around I'd understand but considering you are, it's strange. I don't think it's necessarily confusing to the child as I don't think at that age she really associates it with anything but a word to call someone. I have a baby cousin who is 1 year old who calls all males daddy, it doesn't mean anything, it's a word he sees people saying about his own dad or their dad so for him he just uses it but he's not mentally confused or being harmed by it.

 

That said though I understand why it bothers you and it's more about your feelings than your daughter, who as I said, is probably not being harmed or confused by this.

 

I would not tell my child to call a bf daddy, even if their own father wasn't around. How long has your ex been with this guy? My aunt remarried when her son was 5 and for several years her son simply called his stepdad by his first name, then on his own later on, in elementary school, after they'd established a relationship he started calling him dad. His own dad is in his life too and he calls both of them dad. He isn't confused. He knows fully that he has "two dads" his bio dad and his stepdad. But my uncle has proved himself. He's been in his life since he was 5 and he's 21 now, and the dad thing wasn't anything my aunt forced but something that happened naturally by my cousin's choice when he established a relationship with this man who lived under his roof, took care of him etc since he was 5.

 

If your ex was with this man longer or continues to be with him and on her own your daughter does this, that's one thing but I'd have another talk with the ex and tell her again why you're uncomfortable with it and say you'd prefer you let the daughter call him by his name and not encourage her to call him daddy.

Edited June 8, 2015 by MissBee

[gaius]

Maybe I'm mistaken but I think he said they've been together since before his daughter was born. So depending on how much Keenly visits, this guy might have been the primary male influence for her entire life. That would make more sense in regard to who she feels like calling daddy.

 

If you're not even seeing her every week I don't know how much sense it would make to try and drill it into her head not to call the guy she sees everyday daddy. If that's the case.

[Timshel]

Maybe I'm mistaken but I think he said they've been together since before his daughter was born. So depending on how much Keenly visits, this guy might have been the primary male influence for her entire life. That would make more sense in regard to who she feels like calling daddy.

 

If you're not even seeing her every week I don't know how much sense it would make to try and drill it into her head not to call the guy she sees everyday daddy. If that's the case.

 

No. Understand your point but it is mute. No one calls another man daddy unless he is. imho.

[SammySammy]

Maybe I'm mistaken but I think he said they've been together since before his daughter was born. So depending on how much Keenly visits, this guy might have been the primary male influence for her entire life. That would make more sense in regard to who she feels like calling daddy.

 

If you're not even seeing her every week I don't know how much sense it would make to try and drill it into her head not to call the guy she sees everyday daddy. If that's the case.

 

That's what I meant by BEING the daddy. Fatherhood is action is not mere words. In the long term, his daughter is going to be more concerned about who does the job of father over who holds the label.

[Keenly]

No. Understand your point but it is mute. No one calls another man daddy unless he is. imho.

 

His point is a valid one.

 

When my daughter was an infant I didn't see her much. Maybe once every two weeks.

 

Then as she got older, it became more and more often.

 

First it was every Wednesday. Then it became twice a week.

 

 

Now for the past several months it's been twice a week and every other weekend. She has bonded very well to me and we've become close.

 

I'd do anything for my little girl.

 

He has been in and out of her life as they've broken up and gotten together at least 4 times.

 

 

I say this next part not to get you in my side but to show you what we're dealing with.

 

He has a 4 year old son that isn't potty trained.

 

Need I say more?

[Quiet Storm]

It sounds like your ex is playing happy family and not considering the confusion this will bring to a two year old. That's unfortunate for your daughter, but the good news is that she has a great dad!

 

Keep spending as much time as you can with her and she will know that you are her daddy in all ways. She is only two right now, so try to be present as much as possible. You are her protector, her teacher, her comfort, etc. When you can't be with her, call her or Skype with her.

 

Kids are smart and as she ages, she will see the reality of the circumstances. When you get angry at her mom, imagine her as a 20 year old thinking to herself "I remember when Mom made me call her boyfriend Daddy, what a weirdo!" Then you guys will laugh about it.

 

As long as you always have her best interests at heart and continue to be a positive and stable presence in her life, the father/daughter bond will be strong.

[Timshel]

Yes, a valid point but still lost on me. You are a part of her life now and increasingly so. Nothing mitigates my point although some others are certainly valid.

 

You are her dad and are active in her life and love her. To be honest, if my children did not ever meet their dad (not me, hypothetical) I still would have my children address any subsequent person as a step-father.

 

Just me. My kids have a dad and even though I don't care for him, would never have another man addressed as 'dad.'

 

It is very simple for me because I lack drama and am very boring. My kids are quite sure who their dad is, always and no matter who I may date.

 

They loved my deceased husband like a dad but never called him that. I would never have allowed it though he was a better 'dad' than the real one.

 

Like I said, just me.

Do what is best for you and your little one.

[minimariah]

Maybe I'm mistaken but I think he said they've been together since before his daughter was born. So depending on how much Keenly visits, this guy might have been the primary male influence for her entire life. That would make more sense in regard to who she feels like calling daddy.

 

If you're not even seeing her every week I don't know how much sense it would make to try and drill it into her head not to call the guy she sees everyday daddy. If that's the case.

 

if i understood correctly - she calls the OP her dad but is encouraged by the ex-wife to call the step-father "daddy". i think it's understandable when the "daddy" comes from a child & that child's genuine affection for the stepparent but it's NOT understandable when a child is being "pushed" or forced to do it by someone else.

 

also - it doesn't make sense that the kid calls someone else "daddy" because she sees that man more often. that doesn't make any sense or has any logic whatsoever. the OP is her FATHER, her DAD and that won't change just because she sees someone else more. HOWEVER - the OP should do his best to bond with his child more and more, as much as he possibly can. that way, he'll built his own relationship with the child and "reclaim" his position in her life.

Edited June 8, 2015 by minimariah

[Keenly]

if i understood correctly - she calls the OP her dad but is encouraged by the ex-wife to call the step-father "daddy". i think it's understandable when the "daddy" comes from a child & that child's genuine affection for the stepparent but it's NOT understandable when a child is being "pushed" or forced to do it by someone else.

 

also - it doesn't make sense that the kid calls someone else "daddy" because she sees that man more often. that doesn't make any sense or has any logic whatsoever. the OP is her FATHER, her DAD and that won't change just because she sees someone else more. HOWEVER - the OP should do his best to bond with his child more and more, as much as he possibly can. that way, he'll built his own relationship with the child and "reclaim" his position in her life.

 

No one was ever married at any point in time.

[No Limit]

Ha, what a b!tch. My father was barely involved in my life and still I never called anyone else "daddy" or any other term for father. Feels very strange when I say it 'cause it's a word I never use(d).

[whichwayisup]

I told her to bounce it off of her peers and see how many agree with her.

 

I can't imagine a single person in her life telling her that what she is doing is a good idea.

 

I will not have this turn into a slugfest in the courtroom. She's very vindictive and very petty, so I might win the battle, yet face a war of attrition for another ten years.

 

 

I'm really Hoping one day she will grow the hell up, but I've been wishing for that for longer than my little one has been alive.

 

 

As for being her friend, I was.

 

Cycle goes as follows.

 

We're friendly, great parenting team. Good communication.

 

She gets back with him. All communication ceases.

 

She starts snapping at me for the littlest things ( not dropping everything I'm doing to take my daughter last minute because she wants to go out on a day that was not dedesignated as a daddy day.

 

She starts making up reasons to argue.

 

They fight / break up. She comes crying to me asking for advice on how to improve her life.

 

I tell her, she pretends to listen. Follows advice for about 2 weeks.

 

He comes back, repeat all steps.

 

All this and she wants your daughter to call him 'daddy'? The guy is in and out of her life so much, it makes it even MORE confusing for your daughter.

 

Maybe it's time to not be the 'ear' your ex wants you to be when she is bad terms with this guy. WTF.

[whichwayisup]

He is not her step father. This man is a 6th or 7th time on again off again, hits my daughter's mom in front of my little girl, throws temper tantrums, breaks into exes house and trashes it and steals her things ( including my daughter's toys) when they break up.

 

And she's still with him. This is what I'm dealing with.

 

All the more reason to document and record everything when dealing with her. Your child is being put in harms way!

 

You're right, he isn't step father at all, he's just mommy's 'boyfriend' on and off.

 

Your ex is soooooooooooooooooooo in the wrong and I doubt one person would agree with what she's doing by asking your daughter to call him dad. Yuck!!

[Keenly]

All the more reason to document and record everything when dealing with her. Your child is being put in harms way!

 

You're right, he isn't step father at all, he's just mommy's 'boyfriend' on and off.

 

Your ex is soooooooooooooooooooo in the wrong and I doubt one person would agree with what she's doing by asking your daughter to call him dad. Yuck!!

 

I believe that's why she took down the past so quickly. She saw that not a single person agreed with her.