Suspect fiance of lying about a past lover...

[sabrina2330]

Hello, I'm a 30-year-old woman, divorced. I'm engaged to a man my age whom I'll call A. We have been seeing each other since February of 2014, but the first few months of our relationship were a bit of a mess. I was still technically with my ex-husband at the time, but I had "opened up" the relationship in late summer of 2013 so we could see other people. Honestly, I should have just left the guy back then but I was totally opposed to the idea of getting divorced, especially after having a child with him. I eventually realized it was healthier to just end it.

 

So anyway my ex and I trying to have an open relationship for a while; it was a mess because my ex was extremely jealous and wasn't really seeing other people himself while I was dating around. During that time period, I got involved with A, who was a friend I worked with whom I'd know for several years but started to get close with in spring/summer of 2013 when we were spending more time together because a change in our jobs had us working together a lot more frequently.

 

So anyway, A and I developed some feelings for each other and basically started having a sexual/romantic relationship in February 2014. That was also open at the time. There were no expectations about monogamy or anything, though we had agreed to be honest with each other about anyone else we were having sex with. He had sex with this other woman he knew when he went to visit her in California in February. I was accepting of that but honestly had some trouble resuming sex with him when he came back because I was worried about STDs. He had not talked openly with her about sexual health status or testing or anything, and I thought that was risky. But I did resume having sex with him after a couple weeks. He went to visit that same woman again in March, but they didn't have sex, which I think was mostly her choice, not his.

 

Then there was this other woman, whom I'll call C, who he'd been friends with a long time but never had a sexual relationship with. He had told me in February/March that their relationship was becoming more flirty and he thought they might hook up.

 

He made plans to take a trip to Denver with C in mid-May. He told me he might hook up with her. I told him I was kind of mad that he was so nonchalant about the whole thing and that if we were going to continue to have sex I thought he should talk about sexual health and STD testing with any new partners before having sex with them. I thought it was kind of disrespectful for him to put my sexual health at risk just because he was either too lazy or too afraid to address the issue with new partners. He didn't have much to say about that, honestly, if I'm recalling the conversation correctly. I did sort of hook up with someone else in March but DID exchange STD testing results with him and discuss sexual health before we did anything, and did tell A about it, so I wasn't asking for any expectations of him that I wasn't living up to myself.

 

So anyway, then A went to Denver for the a weekend with C. When he came back he said he didn't do anything sexual with her.

 

I have felt suspicious about it since that time and it comes up from time to time..it has not been over a year since that weekend he spent with her, and our relationship has changed a lot. We decided to be monogamous shortly after that trip (so late May of 2014), and we have since gotten engaged. There are now some clear expectations about monogamy and commitment. To be clear, I don't think I'm cut out for open relationships; I only tried that for awhile I think because I was trying to find some other solution to my broken marriage that didn't involve divorce, and I think it was a mistake. I don't really want to have relationships with multiple people. A and I have both been clear that we both want monogamy, and I have told him many times if he doesn't want monogamy that is ok, I just need to know about it. As long as we are open with each other about what we want and what we are up to, that's what is important to me. So he knows that honest is a big issue.

 

I can't seem to get over the whole thing with C, though. Not that it would be a big deal if he had had sex with her. My main concern is that he may have lied to me about it. I have a big issue with lying. My ex husband turned out to be lying about a lot of things about himself, including a master's degree that he claimed to have which he never earned (apparently failed out of the graduate problem), and I often think about how I excused lots of little white lies I caught him in because I thought they were no big deal, and I later thought I should have realized if he would lie about small things he might lie about big things too.

 

This is coming up as an even bigger issue now because, a couple weeks ago, A and were randomly having a conversation about going to strip clubs. Then he mentioned he went to a strip club with C when he was in Denver with her last May. I was surprised because I remembered him texting me and telling me they were going to a "burlesque show," which, though the concept is somewhat the same (women taking off their clothes...), is definitely not the same thing as visiting a strip club. Then I looked at my text message archives, and, sure enough, he told me it was a burlesque show. Later that night he texted that his phone might die so I might not hear from him for a while. Then he didn't text me again for 12 hours. I also know they were using marijuana and were high that evening.

 

So I hope you can see why this seems suspicious. He lies about going to a strip club...lord knows why he called it a burlesque show..it's not like I didn't know he had gone to strip clubs, and why would I care if it was a strip club versus a burlesque show? It seemed suspicious anyway, going to any kind of sexual "show" with this woman and then being out of contact for 12 hours overnight and claiming he didn't hook up with her. And then to find out he was lying about it actually being a strip club just makes it seem like he must have had something to hide. Otherwise, why would he lie about that?

 

When I confronted him about it, he said he was trying to avoid a fight or something. I was like oh, I see...so you would lie about going to a strip club to avoid making me mad but you would tell me the truth if you had sex with someone else? That just makes no sense.

 

Plus add in the fact that he said they would probably hook up, that they were using substances, that they were alone on a trip together and went to a STRIP CLUB together (tell me honestly that wasn't to get yourselves excited to hook up with each other)...how does that add up to not hooking up? He tells me he had wanted to hook up with her but thought about what I said and thought it would be irresponsible of him to do that, that it might hurt our relationship or put me at risk as far as my sexual health. Sounds real nice, but also sounds like bull**** to me.

 

So basically I am pretty convinced he's lying about it. Of course, there is some chance he's telling the truth and didn't have sex with her. I can't really know; I wasn't there. But in any case, it seems very, very suspicious. I feel like there's a 99% chance he's lying.

 

I'm frustrated because I feel like i can't get over this issue. It would have been better if he'd just told me to begin with or could just tell me now, so we could deal with it and get over it. But instead it's this thing hanging over my head. And like I said, things are really different now. He does not spend weekends (or really any other time) with other women alone, and neither of us is pursuing relationships with other people. So, do I let it go because it was a long time ago and that period of our relationship was kind of messy and we were not monogamous? Hard to do this because even though we didn't have expectations of monogamy, we DID have expectations of being honest about other sexual relationships, so if he doesn't honor that agreement maybe he will not honor any of the expectations we have set for the relationship.

 

Or is this a bigger problem and a sign that I shouldn't continue in the relationship? I just don't want to end up being deceived and hurt down the line...don't want to end up finding out he was lying about a lot of things like my ex, or end up getting cheated on. And I am not sure I can handle having this big lie/secret between us. I can't stop thinking about it.

 

I would love to hear other people's thoughts on the situation. Thanks for taking the time to read my long story.

[smackie9]

I view relationships differently. I wouldn't have such a relationship to begin with, but that is just me. If this makes you uncomfortable having these doubtful thought about him and his honesty, then it's not worth pursuing.

 

A good solid healthy relationship doesn't start "in a mess"....we call that a red flag. With the other things you have mentioned are also red flags....it's adding up. This should be about you, not him. Follow your gut instinct, if it doesn't feel right, it's not.

 

It doesn't matter if you were not exclusive, it's his shady behavior during that time proves something to be concerned about. Actions speaks volumes.

[Emilia]

Burlesque is a more arty version of a strip club.....

 

I think you need some time on your own after your divorce. Definitely shouldn't be engaged. You are very hung up on your ex husband's character and unable to judge this man based on his own. It's clear that you need to be single for a while and reflect.

[smackie9]

If it doesn't feel right to you then it's not. You have ever right to want to protect yourself. This guy hasn't shown you stability in his behavior.....red flags are everywhere. I say you are really taking your chances. I wouldn't go near him, my health is more important than risking it to be with someone like him.

[sabrina2330]

Thank you kindly for your comments and advice. This helps me a lot. It's very hard to trust my gut or instinct, as you say, since I have been hurt badly before as a result of deception, not just by my ex-husband but previous partners as well. So I have a very hard time trusting others and a hard time knowing if anything that happens that I have this sort of reaction to is really a reason to run from the relationship or is my hypervigilance and fear of getting hurt again. But it sounds like I'm not the only one who would be concerned about this situation, and that I'm probably not over-reacting, so that helps a lot.

[Emilia]

Thank you kindly for your comments and advice. This helps me a lot. It's very hard to trust my gut or instinct, as you say, since I have been hurt badly before as a result of deception, not just by my ex-husband but previous partners as well. So I have a very hard time trusting others and a hard time knowing if anything that happens that I have this sort of reaction to is really a reason to run from the relationship or is my hypervigilance and fear of getting hurt again. But it sounds like I'm not the only one who would be concerned about this situation, and that I'm probably not over-reacting, so that helps a lot.

 

I think it's probably impossible for you to take that step back in your current mindset. I really think you should take a break from men for a little while and regroup.

[smackie9]

Thank you kindly for your comments and advice. This helps me a lot. It's very hard to trust my gut or instinct, as you say, since I have been hurt badly before as a result of deception, not just by my ex-husband but previous partners as well. So I have a very hard time trusting others and a hard time knowing if anything that happens that I have this sort of reaction to is really a reason to run from the relationship or is my hypervigilance and fear of getting hurt again. But it sounds like I'm not the only one who would be concerned about this situation, and that I'm probably not over-reacting, so that helps a lot.

 

 

If this pattern keeps reoccurring, then it's not the men, but the men you choose to get involved with (your picker is off). Maybe you are starting to learn something here.....things do need to change if you want honesty and loyalty in a man.