Too soon?

[DexterLS]

Hi guys,

 

Not sure this is in the right forum. Correct me if not.

 

I have recently gone through a breakup from my 6 years girlfriend and has been finding it rather hard to cope with. However, this post is not about me but about a friend who I have known at University. She has been helping me through the breakup as well.

 

She went through a breakup from her 8-year relationship in December 2014. The guy dumped her and got engaged with someone else after she moved to the UK for her Masters' degree.

 

She was devastated for the whole of January but picked her up really quickly after. She had a lot on her plate as well, so she kept her busy and got through this. In late February, she decided to date someone who was rather into her. They were both in the same class and he is a pretty sweet guy.

 

The guy lost his mother 2 years ago to cancer. They became rather class over the next few months. Then the guy proposed to her in May 2015 to marry her. She said yes.

 

To be honest, I find this moving too fast. I did express my concerns to my friend about this. I mean, I don't doubt he is a nice guy but my friend just got off a LTR. She often texts her ex to ask about him too and she admitted having residual feelings for him.

 

But then she told me that this is the best decision she will ever take and she can't let her emotions take over now. The decision might be rational right now but he knows the guy will do everything to keep her happy.

 

I have actually loved someone for 6 years who cheated on me. I can't even look at other girls right now let alone committing to someone else. I don't know how much time it will take to get out there and that's the way I am.

 

But, I can't deny that whatever my friend said made sense as well. I got screwed over by basing all my decisions on emotions. Should I be more rational going forward?

[Mr. Lucky]

Everyone is different but yes, from break-up to engagement in 6 months seems much to soon. There's an old "4 season" rule that says never fully commit to someone you haven't spent a year with.

 

So to answer your question, the best relationships satisfy both head and heart...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Morro72]

It almost sounds like you're asking how to know that someone won't cheat on you. If that's your real question, the answer is that you can't.

[candie13]

But, I can't deny that whatever my friend said made sense as well. I got screwed over by basing all my decisions on emotions. Should I be more rational going forward?

 

everytime you fall inlove, there's a risk you might get screwed. Falling inlove is about allowing yourself to become vulnerable, in front of the other person. Being rational is love-killer.

 

My recent ex was like that. I thought - was hoping he would allow his emotions to surface. Nope, he was and still is all about control and not getting exposed in any way or form (he's divorced).

 

Basically, the game changed from winning it all - love, falling inlove and being inlove - to not losing - staying rational and with the eyes of the ball continuously.

 

I am not saying intellectualizing a RS is wrong. I am saying that using your head instead of your heart is wrong.

 

Your friend is overcompensating and she doesn't even realize it. She got screwed royally and now she's taking the first safe option and leaving the ship. Maybe she wants to get even. Maybe she wants to show him that she too can find a man to love her and want to marry her.

 

Man... I agree, best way of getting over someone is to get under someone, but... she cannot run away from grieving. Those feelings of loss, of pain, the mourning... they will come back. Maybe in the middle of the wedding dress fitting session. Or cutting the cake...

 

the only way out of the pain is through the pain. There is no way to avoid the pain. I mean, there is, and that way is to not fall inlove to begin with.

 

active choices, as I see them. whoever thinks differently is a fool

[coryreply]

If it were my friend, I would be a bit concerned as well. I've never understood why ppl feel the need to rush into marriage. It's almost as if they have a fantastical idea about the whole thing.

 

Have they set a date yet?

[DexterLS]

everytime you fall inlove, there's a risk you might get screwed. Falling inlove is about allowing yourself to become vulnerable, in front of the other person. Being rational is love-killer.

 

My recent ex was like that. I thought - was hoping he would allow his emotions to surface. Nope, he was and still is all about control and not getting exposed in any way or form (he's divorced).

 

Basically, the game changed from winning it all - love, falling inlove and being inlove - to not losing - staying rational and with the eyes of the ball continuously.

 

I am not saying intellectualizing a RS is wrong. I am saying that using your head instead of your heart is wrong.

 

Your friend is overcompensating and she doesn't even realize it. She got screwed royally and now she's taking the first safe option and leaving the ship. Maybe she wants to get even. Maybe she wants to show him that she too can find a man to love her and want to marry her.

 

Man... I agree, best way of getting over someone is to get under someone, but... she cannot run away from grieving. Those feelings of loss, of pain, the mourning... they will come back. Maybe in the middle of the wedding dress fitting session. Or cutting the cake...

 

the only way out of the pain is through the pain. There is no way to avoid the pain. I mean, there is, and that way is to not fall inlove to begin with.

 

active choices, as I see them. whoever thinks differently is a fool

 

I agree and that is why I personally haven't gone out there yet to date and stuff. I expressed my concerns to her but to be honest, when she helped me out during the breakup, I thought she was the strongest person on earth.

 

I know the breakup affected her but right now she is cold and everything is "rational" to her. She says she has feelings for the guy but admits the decision is not entirely based on her love for the guy.

[DexterLS]

If it were my friend, I would be a bit concerned as well. I've never understood why ppl feel the need to rush into marriage. It's almost as if they have a fantastical idea about the whole thing.

 

Have they set a date yet?

 

Yes. Date is already set for end of July.

[candie13]

I agree and that is why I personally haven't gone out there yet to date and stuff. I expressed my concerns to her but to be honest, when she helped me out during the breakup, I thought she was the strongest person on earth.

 

I know the breakup affected her but right now she is cold and everything is "rational" to her. She says she has feelings for the guy but admits the decision is not entirely based on her love for the guy.

 

Oh, ****, I know what it is... It's the shock. I've been through this when my RS of 7 years bolted. For the first 6-12 months, all seemed ok, i was going out, partying a lot, dating, going out, having the time of my life. Anyway, one day it all cracked... I won't tell you the end, 'cause it's sad.

 

All walls crumble. The sooner the impact, the lesser the damages. Make her read a few books about losses and grieving, she's throwing her life away...

 

It's so sad and so unfair...

[DexterLS]

Oh, ****, I know what it is... It's the shock. I've been through this when my RS of 7 years bolted. For the first 6-12 months, all seemed ok, i was going out, partying a lot, dating, going out, having the time of my life. Anyway, one day it all cracked... I won't tell you the end, 'cause it's sad.

 

All walls crumble. The sooner the impact, the lesser the damages. Make her read a few books about losses and grieving, she's throwing her life away...

 

It's so sad and so unfair...

 

Is it too much to ask how it ended? I am going through a breakup of 6-7 years myself after she cheated and well, it's been bad for two months but I am slowly seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

On-topic, I will try to talk to her but I don't want to come off as not supportive either. It's a tricky situation.

[aloneinaz]

Ending a long term relationship and getting married to a new person 6 months later? And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high!!

 

 

Very bad idea

[sandylee1]

Putting her ex aside it seems a very short period to decide to marry someone. I doubt you could really know someone that well so soon.

 

How old is she? As that can make a difference in how quickly some people (especially women ) want to move things along.

[candie13]

Ending a long term relationship and getting married to a new person 6 months later? And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high!!

 

 

Very bad idea

 

See, it soo depends. My parents were in their late 20s when they met. After 3 months, they had decided to get married. Still together now. Not the smoothest marriage, but hey, their relationship is much better now, after we've left home compared to 20 years ago.

 

Love or faith, I can't tell.

[candie13]

Is it too much to ask how it ended? I am going through a breakup of 6-7 years myself after she cheated and well, it's been bad for two months but I am slowly seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

oh, my story is different from yours. My partner at the time was not convinced he wanted to get married, so I've left him. We had been dating for 7 years, so either **** the pot or get off of it. Unfortunately, in the eyes of his family and in his own eyes, I was the bad guy, because I couldn't wait another year. I couldn't. I was going through a burn out at work and had no idea. The only thing I knew was that I needed stability in my private life.

 

But the guilt of leaving and the hurt of his rejection poisoned me. Mind you, I had gotten completely lost in that relationship. A year later, I'd lost the thing that was most important to me: my career. It's when it all crumbled down on me - as Brene Brown would put it, it was my "spiritual awakening". Depression. But... I grew out of it. I've gotten myself back. I got to know myself. It was a long and painful battle. Looking back, every little brick, every drop of blood, every little thing was necessary.

 

I'm afraid I don't have the blueprint as to how to get back on your feet after cheating. The only thing I know from my multiple breakups - and I have had quite a few, these last 4 years - it's that it takes time and one must not do the intuitive thing, which is avoiding pain. On the contrary, sit still, let it arrive, go through it and oppose as little resistance as possible, without ruminating. As soon as you get intouch with that inner pain, as soon as you feel it come up from inside you, just let it out. It'll sting as hell, cry your eyes out, shout, curse, but let it out. As little resistance as possible. It doesn't last and it's more the fact of facing the fear than the pain in itself that is scary. And after it gets out... it feel sooo good, so clean on the inside... it's when you know you're making good progress, because with time and tears, regrets and anger and sadness go away. You heal. Repeat. Over and over again, until there is no more pain to free.

 

I won't lie to you, the whole process in itself is lengthy. You know how I was realizing I was getting better? Every night, when I was cleaning the paper handkerchieves I'd been using to wipe my nose and tears, I'd notice their number was slowly decreasing...

 

if there is a shortcut in this proces... do share, I'm not aware of it .

Edited June 8, 2015 by candie13

[DexterLS]

Putting her ex aside it seems a very short period to decide to marry someone. I doubt you could really know someone that well so soon.

 

How old is she? As that can make a difference in how quickly some people (especially women ) want to move things along.

 

She is 24 right now.

[DexterLS]

oh, my story is different from yours. My partner at the time was not convinced he wanted to get married, so I've left him. We had been dating for 7 years, so either **** the pot or get off of it. Unfortunately, in the eyes of his family and in his own eyes, I was the bad guy, because I couldn't wait another year. I couldn't. I was going through a burn out at work and had no idea. The only thing I knew was that I needed stability in my private life.

 

But the guilt of leaving and the hurt of his rejection poisoned me. Mind you, I had gotten completely lost in that relationship. A year later, I'd lost the thing that was most important to me: my career. It's when it all crumbled down on me - as Brene Brown would put it, it was my "spiritual awakening". Depression. But... I grew out of it. I've gotten myself back. I got to know myself. It was a long and painful battle. Looking back, every little brick, every drop of blood, every little thing was necessary.

 

I'm afraid I don't have the blueprint as to how to get back on your feet after cheating. The only thing I know from my multiple breakups - and I have had quite a few, these last 4 years - it's that it takes time and one must not do the intuitive thing, which is avoiding pain. On the contrary, sit still, let it arrive, go through it and oppose as little resistance as possible, without ruminating. As soon as you get intouch with that inner pain, as soon as you feel it come up from inside you, just let it out. It'll sting as hell, cry your eyes out, shout, curse, but let it out. As little resistance as possible. It doesn't last and it's more the fact of facing the fear than the pain in itself that is scary. And after it gets out... it feel sooo good, so clean on the inside... it's when you know you're making good progress, because with time and tears, regrets and anger and sadness go away. You heal. Repeat. Over and over again, until there is no more pain to free.

 

I won't lie to you, the whole process in itself is lengthy. You know how I was realizing I was getting better? Every night, when I was cleaning the paper handkerchieves I'd been using to wipe my nose and tears, I'd notice their number was slowly decreasing...

 

if there is a shortcut in this proces... do share, I'm not aware of it .

 

Thank you for sharing. I am going through one hell of a time too and I don't know when I will be ok, tbh.

 

It seems you have been through a lot too and I hope you are at a better place right now. Again, thanks for sharing, it means a lot!

[sandylee1]

She is 24 right now.

 

I really don't see what the rush is then.

 

I wouldn't be happy for my daughter to marry a guy she's know for sucha short time .