RoseVille Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Long story short: A conversation we had on Friday got me worked up about the state of everything. I told him how I felt about him (had never told him before), and cried myself to sleep. He responded the next day by saying that he does care about me, but we should take a step back and cool things off. Effectively ending it. And he confirmed this morning that he thinks that's best, as he cannot give me what I need and doesn't want to cause anymore hurt. I feel numb. Actually, I felt numb on Saturday morning, having cried my eyes out the night before, before I'd even seen his message where he'd ended it (yet again). I'd been sad before, I'd like shed a couple tears, but Friday night was the full blown, hard, can't-breathe, heart-is-being-ripped-out-of-my-chest type pain/hurt. And now... it's like... okay. Sure. Is that normal? To feel so... numb? Dead inside? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 This pain is final, so embrace it. Grieve, cry, allow yourself to go through the motions of losing someone that you love. Be good to yourself, hugs. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Long story short: A conversation we had on Friday got me worked up about the state of everything. I told him how I felt about him (had never told him before), and cried myself to sleep. He responded the next day by saying that he does care about me, but we should take a step back and cool things off. Effectively ending it. And he confirmed this morning that he thinks that's best, as he cannot give me what I need and doesn't want to cause anymore hurt. I feel numb. Actually, I felt numb on Saturday morning, having cried my eyes out the night before, before I'd even seen his message where he'd ended it (yet again). I'd been sad before, I'd like shed a couple tears, but Friday night was the full blown, hard, can't-breathe, heart-is-being-ripped-out-of-my-chest type pain/hurt. And now... it's like... okay. Sure. Is that normal? To feel so... numb? Dead inside? Maybe it is because you were expecting it and because you know in your heart of hearts he is right. Grief is not linear, it comes in waves, IME. The "easiest" grief to deal with, is that where you expected it, it still hurts, it is still devastating, but if you can somehow rationalise it, it is easier. Sudden, out of the blue, unfair, unjust stuff that makes no sense is the worst to handle, IME. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
goodgirlgonebad15 Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Long story short: A conversation we had on Friday got me worked up about the state of everything. I told him how I felt about him (had never told him before), and cried myself to sleep. He responded the next day by saying that he does care about me, but we should take a step back and cool things off. Effectively ending it. And he confirmed this morning that he thinks that's best, as he cannot give me what I need and doesn't want to cause anymore hurt. I feel numb. Actually, I felt numb on Saturday morning, having cried my eyes out the night before, before I'd even seen his message where he'd ended it (yet again). I'd been sad before, I'd like shed a couple tears, but Friday night was the full blown, hard, can't-breathe, heart-is-being-ripped-out-of-my-chest type pain/hurt. And now... it's like... okay. Sure. Is that normal? To feel so... numb? Dead inside? Of course it is normal. I think numbness is actually part of grief process. The numbness is to protect you from you. Sometimes pain can be so great we have to numb ourselves. After my dad passed away, I went through a period of numbness probably because my brain knew I couldn't handle the pain all at once...I broke down pretty hard later though. Grief is a process, there is nothing to it except to get through it. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Hi Rose, I'm sorry. I agree with whichway, embrace this grief, move through it, and take care of yourself. I fought it, thinking each end wasn't actually the end, and it made things worse. Plus I sent texts/emails that now make me cringe when I think of them, they were so pathetic. Please don't give in to that urge...be hurt, be numb, be strong. Hugs, BSW 8 Link to post Share on other sites
OWAmy Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Hi Rose, Firstly I think you should be proud that you had the courage to tell him how you felt about him. I also held back, but unlike you I did so for 4.5yrs (yes that's right 4.5yrs, but a year after the affair ended). It was in some ways a liberating experience, to open up like that, make myself vulnerable. I couldn't have done it sooner, some sort of mental block stopped me. But feels like it broke the spell of me not being honest with myself and others. Seriously if you don't spell it out to guys I don't think they are any the wiser. No chance I will hold back in any future relationships. The numb feeling I always think of as a sort of 'nature's anaesthetic'. Ever been through anything traumatic and years later you look back and think ...how the hell did I carry on, how did I survive? That's the numbness that helps you 8-) Xx 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Aw Rose, my heart hurts for you. Just breathe for now. The numbness is your body's coping mechanism and as Elaine mentioned, this pain will come and go in waves. The upside to this, and you'll see it when you get there, is no more wondering, worrying, analyzing, hoping, self doubt or any of those other awful thoughts that consume you while in an A. No more of that. You will be ok and a better Rose at the end of this dark tunnel. You work with xmm, yes? Once you find your ground is it possible to get another job or transfer? Cry it (him) out of your system. Better things await you! Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Long story short: A conversation we had on Friday got me worked up about the state of everything. I told him how I felt about him (had never told him before), and cried myself to sleep. He responded the next day by saying that he does care about me, but we should take a step back and cool things off. Effectively ending it. And he confirmed this morning that he thinks that's best, as he cannot give me what I need and doesn't want to cause anymore hurt. I feel numb. Actually, I felt numb on Saturday morning, having cried my eyes out the night before, before I'd even seen his message where he'd ended it (yet again). I'd been sad before, I'd like shed a couple tears, but Friday night was the full blown, hard, can't-breathe, heart-is-being-ripped-out-of-my-chest type pain/hurt. And now... it's like... okay. Sure. Is that normal? To feel so... numb? Dead inside? Yes, it's normal. I've been there. I mean, you can only cry so much before the numbness sets in. Then it will usually be a roller coaster of emotions as you're moving through the process before you reach an equilibrium, so prepare yourself for feeling numb one day, angry another, despair, desperate and then even hopeful and seeing the bright side. It will go back and forth between these feelings for a while before you steadily start to feel more stable. I am sorry that you are hurting and having been there, I definitely don't wish it on anyone. But the good news is that I'm alive and over it and lived and loved again so you will too, even though now it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel at all...but there is. I think with time (and unfortunately there's no magic technique or pill to speed things up) you'll come to feel better and even realize that this is probably a blessing in disguise. I know you were prepared to sign up for a LTA, but you already know I was not fond of the idea and didn't think your heart was truly into it, but it was a form of settling because of bargaining and wanting to have him. You deserve a lot more than resigning yourself to OWhood and I'm actually happy this guy didn't play you and told you the truth that he cannot give you want you need/want instead of allowing you to tie yourself to him. My exAP "released me" in the same way and in truth, after I got over being hurt, angry and so sad about it, I ended up respecting him and realized that he actually took a moment to stop being selfish and think about me, so perhaps you'll eventually feel the same about this guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alebo Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Oh, RoseVille, I ve heard the same words on friday. I feel numb too, but than suddenly reality hits me and the emotions take me over...like it was said - rolercoaster. Take care of yourself. Hugs to you. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 I'm sorry (((RoseVille))) please take good care of yourself and remember to eat and drink. I know I lose track of basic essentials when I am grieving. I don't know what else to say except that these MM suck! Hang in there! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mysterywoman Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Long story short: A conversation we had on Friday got me worked up about the state of everything. I told him how I felt about him (had never told him before), and cried myself to sleep. He responded the next day by saying that he does care about me, but we should take a step back and cool things off. Effectively ending it. And he confirmed this morning that he thinks that's best, as he cannot give me what I need and doesn't want to cause anymore hurt. I feel numb. Actually, I felt numb on Saturday morning, having cried my eyes out the night before, before I'd even seen his message where he'd ended it (yet again). I'd been sad before, I'd like shed a couple tears, but Friday night was the full blown, hard, can't-breathe, heart-is-being-ripped-out-of-my-chest type pain/hurt. And now... it's like... okay. Sure. Is that normal? To feel so... numb? Dead inside? Yes, I felt numb too. My ex MM said he cared and that he couldn't give me what I need. It was an emotional in-person breakup. I remember driving home numb and the tears flowing at the same time. I was in a state of shock and disbelief. It took awhile but then the real pain came after. Link to post Share on other sites
mysterywoman Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Yes, it's normal. I've been there. I mean, you can only cry so much before the numbness sets in. Then it will usually be a roller coaster of emotions as you're moving through the process before you reach an equilibrium, so prepare yourself for feeling numb one day, angry another, despair, desperate and then even hopeful and seeing the bright side. It will go back and forth between these feelings for a while before you steadily start to feel more stable. I am sorry that you are hurting and having been there, I definitely don't wish it on anyone. But the good news is that I'm alive and over it and lived and loved again so you will too, even though now it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel at all...but there is. I think with time (and unfortunately there's no magic technique or pill to speed things up) you'll come to feel better and even realize that this is probably a blessing in disguise. I know you were prepared to sign up for a LTA, but you already know I was not fond of the idea and didn't think your heart was truly into it, but it was a form of settling because of bargaining and wanting to have him. You deserve a lot more than resigning yourself to OWhood and I'm actually happy this guy didn't play you and told you the truth that he cannot give you want you need/want instead of allowing you to tie yourself to him. My exAP "released me" in the same way and in truth, after I got over being hurt, angry and so sad about it, I ended up respecting him and realized that he actually took a moment to stop being selfish and think about me, so perhaps you'll eventually feel the same about this guy. Yes... it was probably one of the most unselfish things he did for me as well. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 He's being truthful on this for sure. He can't give you what you want or deserve. Time will get you through it . Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Anger, rage, sadness- all normal- your life will be one big country song for a while and people will try to soothe you with hallmark sentiments- its all part of the process and it sucks- time is your friend and your enemy (hallmark card stuff) but it is the one cliche I found to be true- Hang in there- 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Time, time and more time. No one is the same and everyone processes differently but the answer is the same. No contact is your friend and time is your best friend. Eventually it will be okay -truly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyBrown Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Long story short: A conversation we had on Friday got me worked up about the state of everything. I told him how I felt about him (had never told him before), and cried myself to sleep. He responded the next day by saying that he does care about me, but we should take a step back and cool things off. Effectively ending it. And he confirmed this morning that he thinks that's best, as he cannot give me what I need and doesn't want to cause anymore hurt. I feel numb. Actually, I felt numb on Saturday morning, having cried my eyes out the night before, before I'd even seen his message where he'd ended it (yet again). I'd been sad before, I'd like shed a couple tears, but Friday night was the full blown, hard, can't-breathe, heart-is-being-ripped-out-of-my-chest type pain/hurt. And now... it's like... okay. Sure. Is that normal? To feel so... numb? Dead inside? Oh Rose, I'm so sorry to hear you're hurting. I know you may not want to hear that it is for the best, you already may know that. I hope that healing comes quick. *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Many hugs and a cuddle too sweetheart. Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Numb is normal. As others have pointed out, it's also probably even more "normal" in affairs, because one or both partners are always worried about the relationship not lasting (or dragging on). You've had a bit of time to think about and prepare for this moment, which might make it feel a little less unexpected. The five stages of grief aren't linear; you can cycle from one to another or stay on one for weeks. You'll move when you're ready. Just give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel for a little while and don't worry about being normal right now. Now is a good time for your favorite book, a bubble bath, Netflix/HBO, or all of the above. Take care of yourself. We're here for you. I hope your loved ones are too. Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 So Sorry Rose. I can understand the pain you are in right now. I do feel that it was the kindest thing for him to do, to let you go. I do not expect my MM to leave his W. At the beginning that is exactly what I thought would happen. Over time, I have realized its just not going to happen. I suspect that my MM will give me the same type of going away words, that is of course unless I make the break first. Easier said than done. I do want to hear him actually say the words, I can't leave my W so I cannot give you what you want. Take care of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
m4p Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) Long story short: A conversation we had on Friday got me worked up about the state of everything. I told him how I felt about him (had never told him before), and cried myself to sleep. He responded the next day by saying that he does care about me, but we should take a step back and cool things off. Effectively ending it. And he confirmed this morning that he thinks that's best, as he cannot give me what I need and doesn't want to cause anymore hurt. I feel numb. Actually, I felt numb on Saturday morning, having cried my eyes out the night before, before I'd even seen his message where he'd ended it (yet again). I'd been sad before, I'd like shed a couple tears, but Friday night was the full blown, hard, can't-breathe, heart-is-being-ripped-out-of-my-chest type pain/hurt. And now... it's like... okay. Sure. Is that normal? To feel so... numb? Dead inside? BIG HUG to you Rose, so sorry, and we all know exactly how this all feels like. I hope you don't regret telling him how you felt because at least now it's all out and you will not be left grappling with the "what ifs". You had the courage to do so! Feeling numbed and in shock is the least of what's to come.. The first few days or rather weeks are the worst. I felt surreal, like this isn't really happening- that he actually had the stomach to end it. Fast forward months later it looks like we are still here in LS with our same ol' story, but TRUST ME. I am still struggling. But it did get better and we all heal in our own time. I do feel better than I was in February. (zombified. crying bouts. emotionless. more crying.) The sense of control you felt during the A is not real because he was the one holding the steering wheel all along. One word from them is all it takes to pull the rug off our feet. Be prepared for more drama/rollercoaster emotions to come... I wish you tons of strength to pull through this. Edited June 9, 2015 by m4p 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 Annnnnd, as soon as he was gone, he came right back. Thanks, everyone, for your support. I'm gonna need it to be able to step off this rollercoaster, until he comes to a complete stop. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 LMAO ....I called that internally but I thought it would be insensitive to say it out loud. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) Long story short: A conversation we had on Friday got me worked up about the state of everything. I told him how I felt about him (had never told him before), and cried myself to sleep. He responded the next day by saying that he does care about me, but we should take a step back and cool things off. Effectively ending it. And he confirmed this morning that he thinks that's best, as he cannot give me what I need and doesn't want to cause anymore hurt. I feel numb. Actually, I felt numb on Saturday morning, having cried my eyes out the night before, before I'd even seen his message where he'd ended it (yet again). I'd been sad before, I'd like shed a couple tears, but Friday night was the full blown, hard, can't-breathe, heart-is-being-ripped-out-of-my-chest type pain/hurt. And now... it's like... okay. Sure. Is that normal? To feel so... numb? Dead inside? It feels weird, huh? I'm so sorry Rose. Mine gave me the "you should go on without me" speech too once after I told him how I felt, and I felt the same way you did afterwards, and I convinced that it was O-V-E-R for him, but don't be surprised if just when you''ve started to heal due to the closure, he comes back out of the blue. Mine did. Edited June 9, 2015 by Popsicle 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 It feels weird, huh? I'm so sorry Rose. Mine gave me the "you should go on without me" speech too once after I told him how I felt, and I felt the same way you did afterwards, and I convinced that it was O-V-E-R for him, but don't be surprised if just when you''ve started to heal due to the closure, he comes back out of the blue. Mine did. Sounds like that's already happened. How do you feel about his return, Rose? Hopefully not thrilled. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Sounds like that's already happened. How do you feel about his return, Rose? Hopefully not thrilled. True. I was not thrilled. Months later I am still baffled why he came back, to be frank. The "break up" speech was good for me though. I made me distance myself and my feelings and I lost my desire to communicate with him as much. In short, it killed some of my feelings for him and I don't think he likes that, but oh well. Link to post Share on other sites
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