Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I remember that numbness when I broke up with someone. Except the older I get, the more I resist that " numbness" and the more likely I get over someone quicker. I don't know if it's naturally a good thing because that numbness is usually more of an indication that you are connected to your own feelings and your aware of them no matter how horrible the feeling is. Once you break up with people more often, for me personally, I don't necessarily feel that numbness as much, there is something in me that prevents me from feeling it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 How are you doing, Rose? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 How are you doing, Rose? I'm not sure. I cried my eyes out because he couldn't/wouldn't reciprocate my feelings, despite knowing deep down that he feels the same way. And now he is showing up, emotionally... and then some. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I'm not sure. I cried my eyes out because he couldn't/wouldn't reciprocate my feelings, despite knowing deep down that he feels the same way. And now he is showing up, emotionally... and then some. lol what? Already? Do tell... Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 lol what? Already? Do tell... I'd rather not go into detail here. He's just "showing up" emotionally, unlike he ever has before. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I'd rather not go into detail here. He's just "showing up" emotionally, unlike he ever has before. I TOTALLY understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I'd rather not go into detail here. He's just "showing up" emotionally, unlike he ever has before. How do you feel about that? that's a bit bizarre. What's his reasoning? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 How do you feel about that? that's a bit bizarre. What's his reasoning? I feel... unsurprised. I knew he felt that way, and yet felt tortured about him not reciprocating. I'd made myself vulnerable, and his first instinct was to bail. He literally didn't even get down the block before he was running back upstairs. Metaphorically. He was scared. And was (and still is) uncomfortable with what he's feeling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Oh Rose, I'm feeling the roller coaster ride too! Are you happy now? And more important, do you think you'd be able to take another one of these rides again? ((hugs to you)) Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Just be very careful. There is a difference between simply "loving someone" and "loving someone" when that someone is not going to be in your life any longer for whatever reason. The fear of losing can trigger emotions, that in the cold light of day, we think are mad, or we reject or regret. All sorts of desperation kicks in - it may not be indicative of true feelings. Human beings tend to hate change, once a habit is bedded in, we are loathe to lose it. There are a lot of reasons men have OWs, one I guess is a feeling of "I am da man." - losing that feeling of power, I guess is scary, and whilst I hope for your sake this is genuine "love", be very aware there may be many other emotions turning around in his head and for you to assume "love" may be naive. People can do and say almost anything to maintain the status quo in similar relationships to the one here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I'm not sure. I cried my eyes out because he couldn't/wouldn't reciprocate my feelings, despite knowing deep down that he feels the same way. And now he is showing up, emotionally... and then some. Sounds like the mini separation was harder on him than you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Your heart is taking a battering here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I'm not sure. I cried my eyes out because he couldn't/wouldn't reciprocate my feelings, despite knowing deep down that he feels the same way. And now he is showing up, emotionally... and then some. Him showing up isn't sincere. It's a game move, a selfish one to try to woo you back into the A or to just have contact. Look at it as addictive behaviour, controlling behaviour. What he is doing isn't nice, nor is it respectful of YOU and how YOU feel. The A is over yet he feels it's okay to intrude into your life after everything? It's invasive and rude, showing up like this. I hope you find it in you to tell him off and he leaves you alone once and for all. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 After what you went through this weekend Rose, are you still interested in a LTA? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Just be careful Rose. He's already showing you how he plays the game. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Be really careful here- Although you say he has given you more emotionally than before, I do not see where he really has anything new to offer you You draw a line, he smudges it using what you say you need from him-giving you some of it, but not all He can not seem to end an affair, I am unsure how he would ever end a marriage- In the short time you have been here, this relationship has swung wildly back and forth- you mention in one thread something along the lines of -oh, I guess on LS I shouldn't say too much because just like friends they will use it against your relationship later- I am wondering if this situation has exhausted your real life support circle- You need to take care of you- you say an LTA is fine with you but then you mention its because you are settling based on previous experience- I am not so sure in the long run this relationship will satisfy you- only you can decide but I urge you to protect yourself in the process- 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 It's like you're a drug he can't give up. Wife and kids at home and Rose to boost / massage his ego and have the sex he wants with. He wants to get of the addiction, because it's no good for him but he can't resist especially as there's no resistance from the drug. This really is self destruct for the both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 He can not seem to end an affair, I am unsure how he would ever end a marriage- - ^^^^^^This It doesn't sound like he ever will end his marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Just be very careful. There is a difference between simply "loving someone" and "loving someone" when that someone is not going to be in your life any longer for whatever reason. The fear of losing can trigger emotions, that in the cold light of day, we think are mad, or we reject or regret. All sorts of desperation kicks in - it may not be indicative of true feelings. Human beings tend to hate change, once a habit is bedded in, we are loathe to lose it. There are a lot of reasons men have OWs, one I guess is a feeling of "I am da man." - losing that feeling of power, I guess is scary, and whilst I hope for your sake this is genuine "love", be very aware there may be many other emotions turning around in his head and for you to assume "love" may be naive. People can do and say almost anything to maintain the status quo in similar relationships to the one here. I agree with this so much. I was once involved with a mentally disturbed man who had this kind of hold on me. He would make me feel sooo good but then in a blink of an eye he would have a melt down, freak out and dump me. He'd always come back. Sometimes the next day, or the next week. Sometimes it would be a month or two. When he was gone I was heartbroken and devastated but then he would show up, contrite, saying the right things, telling me how he was so scared of how much he loved me because he had never loved anyone like this before (haha....I was such a sucker). I would be resistant at first but his charm always worked eventually and once I gave in I would be over the moon with happiness to have him back. I felt like I loved him beyond belief. I didn't think it was possible to love a man as much as I loved him. Now I realize that while over time I did develop a real love for him, much of my passion was just from the uncertainty of every moment, the feeling that at anytime he could just disappear from my life. That rollercoaster of riding between 2 such extreme situations and emotions all the time. Total devastation or absolute joy. My God! It was so exhausting and it did such a number on my head. Sadly it took so much of my attention away from myself and other people who loved me. Not physically away but I just was never completely emotionally or mentally present in my other relationships. Roseville your MM may genuinely be confused and not deliberately messing with your head, but trust me this is messing with your head. Him showing up emotionally now is just going to make you hurt more later on, when he dumps again. Maybe he will get confused again or maybe his wife will get suspicious, and he'll pull this crap on you again. And like Elaine said, this all leads to more passion and more desperation which people mistakenly believe is real love and connection but it's really more like a temporary (or not temporary) mental illness. I would be very wary if I were you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
goodgirlgonebad15 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 He will go back and forth as long as you let him. You have seen the countless stories. He is human too and only following his feelings...what those feelings are...no one knows but him. However I would tend to believe a man who says he can't give you what you want/deserve...you haven't said he has told you any different...just that he is back "emotionally". You can step off this rollercoaster ride at any point...it's up to you. I say this next bit gently... and please nix the "I don't want to go into detail here". If honest support is what you want then share where you are at honestly. What did he say? What has he done? Has he said he loves you? Is he changing his mind about his marriage? Is he leaving to be with you? What is he offering you and your heart at this point? I have a feeling he is just back with nothing to offer and you are ok with that so you don't want to share and be told over and over how you derseve better...I get it, I really do. Still doesn't help your sitaution tho. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Does he ever actually give you any freedom to make decisions in this relationship, or does he call all the shots? Seriously, he's so self-centered that he doesn't seem to be even giving thought to the mess that he's turned you into. Those are very dangerous lows and highs to be experiencing within a short period of time. Nobody should ever put a person through that. Heck, people that have that happen to them usually seek out medication to prevent it, because it isn't normal or healthy. You should have at least some control in any relationship. I don't see that you have any. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Rose, To answer your questions - yes, perfectly normal to feel this way. Sadly, as others have picked up on, you aren't done yet. Give it a week or two and you'll be right back in it. Actually, you have never truly left. This is your normal. Don't believe me? Go back and re-read your threads. Its a pattern. You are being trained. And its working. And that is the saddest thing in this thread. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
lookingforclosure Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Does he ever actually give you any freedom to make decisions in this relationship, or does he call all the shots? Seriously, he's so self-centered that he doesn't seem to be even giving thought to the mess that he's turned you into. Those are very dangerous lows and highs to be experiencing within a short period of time. Nobody should ever put a person through that. Heck, people that have that happen to them usually seek out medication to prevent it, because it isn't normal or healthy. You should have at least some control in any relationship. I don't see that you have any. I actually feel like I need medication after all that has transpired in the last month with me...xMM even making a reference that he thought he was the one who was bipolar. He's made me an emotional mess, with my permission I am aware. Mine has never given me any freedom with decision making in the A...always on his terms of when he texts, responds to text, calls, or even meet. It's all about when it's convenient for him. Which is one thing I mentioned in the text where I blasted him. I told him he didn't love me...he only wanted me when I was convenient for him. That's the way he has made me feel...and looking at the turn of events it appears to be true. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) I agree with this so much. I was once involved with a mentally disturbed man who had this kind of hold on me. He would make me feel sooo good but then in a blink of an eye he would have a melt down, freak out and dump me. He'd always come back. Sometimes the next day, or the next week. Sometimes it would be a month or two. When he was gone I was heartbroken and devastated but then he would show up, contrite, saying the right things, telling me how he was so scared of how much he loved me because he had never loved anyone like this before (haha....I was such a sucker). I would be resistant at first but his charm always worked eventually and once I gave in I would be over the moon with happiness to have him back. I felt like I loved him beyond belief. I didn't think it was possible to love a man as much as I loved him. Now I realize that while over time I did develop a real love for him, much of my passion was just from the uncertainty of every moment, the feeling that at anytime he could just disappear from my life. That roller coaster of riding between 2 such extreme situations and emotions all the time. Total devastation or absolute joy. My God! It was so exhausting and it did such a number on my head. Sadly it took so much of my attention away from myself and other people who loved me. Not physically away but I just was never completely emotionally or mentally present in my other relationships. Roseville your MM may genuinely be confused and not deliberately messing with your head, but trust me this is messing with your head. Him showing up emotionally now is just going to make you hurt more later on, when he dumps again. Maybe he will get confused again or maybe his wife will get suspicious, and he'll pull this crap on you again. And like Elaine said, this all leads to more passion and more desperation which people mistakenly believe is real love and connection but it's really more like a temporary (or not temporary) mental illness. I would be very wary if I were you. I was like this while reading this post: :bunny: Took me almost two years to recover from a relationship like that. Now looking back it was never love, it was anxiety and the highs and lows of the roller coaster that produced that out of control it-must-be-love feeling. I love the quote : "Love doesn't hurt, loving the WRONG people hurts." I'm like if that's not true, I don't know what is! The loving, healthy relationships I admire aren't the ones where people are up and down, 'round and 'round, crying themselves to sleep one minute, then "emotionally there" the next, 9/10 times you show me that and it's something dysfunctional that can never be sustainable. But in my experience that push and pull, hot and cold, go away, come back thing is about the WORST thing, it really messes with you, esp when you so want to be with the person so you continuously sign up for their push-pull and then that's when you enter the crazy-making cycle. With that relationship I was in, it was literally a cycle of this. He would "show up" and then we'd have plans or things seemed to be going well, then he'd pull away and I'd be devastated crying, but it was never over, that was the worst, I'd sit around predicting when he'd come back again and each time he did, maybe weeks later, days, months and each time it was oh this time he was so vulnerable and honest and he's just scared and confused. That's the WORST part too. You start to sign up for this foolery because you start to view them as some scared, hapless person who just doesn't know how to handle their love and if you're patient they will one day be able to handle it and you become trained to anticipate these highs and lows...it's like no, not really...they may be scared or confused or whatever but you can't help them and you will still suffer for it. This guy in my case wasn't a MM and it wasn't an affair, but with an affair, it's even more obvious: of course MM cheating on their wives who are scared she will find out but still want the affair and don't want a divorce are gonna be scared and confused...this is not remotely romantic. Initially I was like "Oh wow, this guy has stopped being selfish. I know it sucks Rose, but he is being honest about not being able to give you what you need, so that is actually a blessing in disguise"...then just kidding. I don't think he is sitting around purposefully trying to be manipulative and it's not calculating at all...but it's still messed up. You haven't gone into details about what emotionally showing up means, but I can tell you, with my exAP, he emotionally showed up since day one. I never had the problem of me declaring my feelings and him not reciprocating or being stoic about his. He was always forthright about his feelings and he was the one who said I love you first, he often sent me emails about his feelings, etc. I was never uncertain that he cared a lot for me. BUT...that didn't negate the fact that in the end he couldn't give me what I wanted. Your guy was being honest when he said that, he might be emotionally open now, or say he feels XYZ type of way, but unless he has now decided he can give you what you want, what's the actual difference? Will you go back to the original plan of being his OW in a LTA so long as he will have you, as it seems he is the power player here doing all the breaking up and coming back and you're not the one who makes those kinds of decisions? I'll tell you that one thing Rose...the person who calls off the relationship (more than once) holds significantly more power than the other one. If I know nothing else, I know that. Edited June 9, 2015 by MissBee 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 He will go back and forth as long as you let him. This ^ times 100. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts