Hot_nish Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Hi currently I am in a state of utmost confusion just by the thought of whats happening between me and my wife perhaps it just may be a case of mental carelessness and unwanted assumptions. Just a brief background on our personality and our relationship which may help to narrow things down. Me: 27 year old married male, never cheated ever apart from some small flings here and there but nothing after marriage, nature wise easy going, not possessive of anything be it person in my life or any material,fun loving/careless,laid-back,stoner types:laugh:, never adhered to violence or bad mouthing with anyone also having a decent job which provides decent living too!! So on short nothing much to complain of She:27 was very jolly and fun going before was extremely soft spoken and mellow in her personality which is what made me fall in love with her, now she's out of job since two years perhaps dis interested to work ever again, now she's become very grumpy, never happy, always finds a reason to fight and argue be it day or night, suddenly after marriage her control freak nature emerged within her. Our relationship: we have been dating for a decade before we got married we also had a Long distant relationship for 2 years in which she always stood by me all the time,we went for lovely dates had a great time together with very little to complain. cheating angle? Coming back to the issue My wife had cheated on me just before we got married over her co worker (we used to live separate before marriage)and the fling lasted for 7 months before I apprehended her after gathering enough evidence which were convincing enough to be denied! She used to end up at his house a lot of times after some drinks at the bar, she stopped seeing him for couple of months and then again met him 3 to 4 times ( as per what my wife said) who knows the truth here? And then finally we got married I let it go. It's been a year and a half since we are married and since past 4 months I am seeing vast difference in her behaviour 1) saw her couple of times at night and morning using her phone hideously 2) she argues and fights for any irrelevant issue 3) never happy also lesser eye contact 4)Has blocked some people on IM (phone) one of them is her ex co worker whom I discussed earlier. 5) frustrated and agitated most of the times. 6)we hardly have sex or any physical contact although I try and initiate but it ends up no where 7)saw her selectively deleting her call records recently Sadly The list may go on ! Please guide me and share what you guys honestly think of this situation and how it can be handled? Do I need to gather more evidence before confrontation?( I don't keep looking for things like that it just pops up) Any tips and advise to snoop or probe further? By all means it's smarter to have a open discussion but if that happens it may alert her of my suspicions. Please help me guys Peace! Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Cheating is cheating. Sounds like your marriage is beyond saving. A house needs a strong foundation to weather the years. Both parties cheating is a bad sign. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hot_nish Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 Cheating is cheating. Sounds like your marriage is beyond saving. A house needs a strong foundation to weather the years. Both parties cheating is a bad sign. Agreed cheating is cheating but after marriage or even couple of years before marriage things changed from my side and I am very open with her so don't like hiding things now I am afraid to blow the lid off which may alert her just incase if she's upto something. Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Nish I think you need to get the evidence you need so she cannot lie anymore. Get the phone bill to see who she is speaking to and texting. Put a VAR in her car and where she talks privately. No matter what you have to decide what your next steps will be if she is cheating. HM Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 How sad for you. I agree you need to get more evidence. This will be useful in divorce court. Hope you get your answers soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Morbius Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 How sad for you. I agree you need to get more evidence. This will be useful in divorce court. Hope you get your answers soon. Read the posts on the infidelity forum. There are numerous threads and posts,(zinger's to name a current one) that demonstrate it is prudent and wise to follow your gut, and instincts. A lot of excellent advice to that will help you make the necessary but tough choices. I agree wholeheartedly to investigate before confronting your W. Considering she has cheated before, and what you outlined so clearly in your post, (well done too by the way), I believe your marriage is in serious trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Hi currently I am in a state of utmost confusion just by the thought of whats happening between me and my wife perhaps it just may be a case of mental carelessness and unwanted assumptions. Just a brief background on our personality and our relationship which may help to narrow things down. Me: 27 year old married male, never cheated ever apart from some small flings here and there but nothing after marriage, nature wise easy going, not possessive of anything be it person in my life or any material,fun loving/careless,laid-back,stoner types:laugh:, never adhered to violence or bad mouthing with anyone also having a decent job which provides decent living too!! So on short nothing much to complain of She:27 was very jolly and fun going before was extremely soft spoken and mellow in her personality which is what made me fall in love with her, now she's out of job since two years perhaps dis interested to work ever again, now she's become very grumpy, never happy, always finds a reason to fight and argue be it day or night, suddenly after marriage her control freak nature emerged within her. Our relationship: we have been dating for a decade before we got married we also had a Long distant relationship for 2 years in which she always stood by me all the time,we went for lovely dates had a great time together with very little to complain. cheating angle? Coming back to the issue My wife had cheated on me just before we got married over her co worker (we used to live separate before marriage)and the fling lasted for 7 months before I apprehended her after gathering enough evidence which were convincing enough to be denied! She used to end up at his house a lot of times after some drinks at the bar, she stopped seeing him for couple of months and then again met him 3 to 4 times ( as per what my wife said) who knows the truth here? And then finally we got married I let it go. It's been a year and a half since we are married and since past 4 months I am seeing vast difference in her behaviour 1) saw her couple of times at night and morning using her phone hideously 2) she argues and fights for any irrelevant issue 3) never happy also lesser eye contact 4)Has blocked some people on IM (phone) one of them is her ex co worker whom I discussed earlier. 5) frustrated and agitated most of the times. 6)we hardly have sex or any physical contact although I try and initiate but it ends up no where 7)saw her selectively deleting her call records recently Sadly The list may go on ! Please guide me and share what you guys honestly think of this situation and how it can be handled? Do I need to gather more evidence before confrontation?( I don't keep looking for things like that it just pops up) Any tips and advise to snoop or probe further? By all means it's smarter to have a open discussion but if that happens it may alert her of my suspicions. Please help me guys Peace! You married a cheater - what the hell did you expect? A cheater rarely changes behavior when there were absolutely no consequences for them getting strange nookie. In fact, you rewarded her with marriage. Now she's jerking you around - moving in with a man (your friend?) and treating you like a lap dog. Do the math - she's not committed to you or your marriage. Why are you? Link to post Share on other sites
coryreply Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 I'm so sorry this is happening to you. The feeling that you can't trust your spouse is truly horrible. I hope the best for you and your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hot_nish Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 Nish I think you need to get the evidence you need so she cannot lie anymore. Get the phone bill to see who she is speaking to and texting. Put a VAR in her car and where she talks privately. No matter what you have to decide what your next steps will be if she is cheating. HM How sad for you. I agree you need to get more evidence. This will be useful in divorce court. Hope you get your answers soon. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. The feeling that you can't trust your spouse is truly horrible. I hope the best for you and your marriage. Yes at this point of time it's too early to come up with any accusation without any strong physical or emotional evidence although the ones mentioned earlier are very good indicators but perhaps may be easily denied. Although I don't go on snooping I just happen to stumble upon evidences so I think it's better to be more patient and observant . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hot_nish Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 I'm so sorry this is happening to you. The feeling that you can't trust your spouse is truly horrible. I hope the best for you and your marriage. And the pain and stress shoes up on your personal and professional life. But I guess patience and calm mind is the way out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hot_nish Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 You married a cheater - what the hell did you expect? A cheater rarely changes behavior when there were absolutely no consequences for them getting strange nookie. In fact, you rewarded her with marriage. Now she's jerking you around - moving in with a man (your friend?) and treating you like a lap dog. Do the math - she's not committed to you or your marriage. Why are you? Yes but at times every one needs one chance after all we are all humans. I am not being too possessive towards her but when her behaviour and attitude has changed "MAY BE" because of the involvement of another man it's not accepted, guess will do better in life without her. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 never cheated ever apart from some small flings here and there Flings are cheating too. Sorry but you never cared for her that much, and she most likely knew that - but she agreed to settle for you, and is now enjoying the company of other men. I don't think there's much to save. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hot_nish Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 Flings are cheating too. Sorry but you never cared for her that much, and she most likely knew that - but she agreed to settle for you, and is now enjoying the company of other men. I don't think there's much to save. Not. That easy as it's been quoted but it was a part of "past" although nothing can justify it, we both moved on. Again not justifying it although we accepted and moved on. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Look, does whether she's cheating or not, really make that much difference to you? Your marriage is in a terrible state. She cheated for 7 months right before getting married, any man with any sense would have run a mile after that. But no, you went ahead and married a cheater anyway. What on earth were you thinking? Anyway. Your marriage is in a terrible state. You can either work to improve it through open, honest communication with your wife (if she is also willing to put in the effort to fix it), or you can divorce and go your separate ways. If you choose divorce (or are forced to choose by your wife's unwillingness to fix the marriage) then you probably don't need "proof" or "evidence" of cheating. See a lawyer to get proper advice for your jurisdiction. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Accepting the cheating IS NOT the same as dealing with the cheating. If you/she didn't address the issues in order to "FIX" the problem, and took preventive measures to stop any further cheating, AND to maintain the relationship/ her emotional/physical needs.....then the cheating WILL occur again. IMO you seem the type that will sweep things under the rug, instead of confronting issues head on. With all this advice, you are still being dodgy. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) Hi currently I am in a state of utmost confusion just by the thought of whats happening between me and my wife perhaps it just may be a case of mental carelessness and unwanted assumptions. Just a brief background on our personality and our relationship which may help to narrow things down. Me: 27 year old married male, never cheated ever apart from some small flings here and there but nothing after marriage, nature wise easy going, not possessive of anything be it person in my life or any material,fun loving/careless,laid-back,stoner types:laugh:, never adhered to violence or bad mouthing with anyone also having a decent job which provides decent living too!! So on short nothing much to complain of She:27 was very jolly and fun going before was extremely soft spoken and mellow in her personality which is what made me fall in love with her, now she's out of job since two years perhaps dis interested to work ever again, now she's become very grumpy, never happy, always finds a reason to fight and argue be it day or night, suddenly after marriage her control freak nature emerged within her. Our relationship: we have been dating for a decade before we got married we also had a Long distant relationship for 2 years in which she always stood by me all the time,we went for lovely dates had a great time together with very little to complain. cheating angle? Coming back to the issue My wife had cheated on me just before we got married over her co worker (we used to live separate before marriage)and the fling lasted for 7 months before I apprehended her after gathering enough evidence which were convincing enough to be denied! She used to end up at his house a lot of times after some drinks at the bar, she stopped seeing him for couple of months and then again met him 3 to 4 times ( as per what my wife said) who knows the truth here? And then finally we got married I let it go. It's been a year and a half since we are married and since past 4 months I am seeing vast difference in her behaviour 1) saw her couple of times at night and morning using her phone hideously 2) she argues and fights for any irrelevant issue 3) never happy also lesser eye contact 4)Has blocked some people on IM (phone) one of them is her ex co worker whom I discussed earlier. 5) frustrated and agitated most of the times. 6)we hardly have sex or any physical contact although I try and initiate but it ends up no where 7)saw her selectively deleting her call records recently Sadly The list may go on ! Please guide me and share what you guys honestly think of this situation and how it can be handled? Do I need to gather more evidence before confrontation?( I don't keep looking for things like that it just pops up) Any tips and advise to snoop or probe further? By all means it's smarter to have a open discussion but if that happens it may alert her of my suspicions. Please help me guys Peace! You open a non-confrontation conversation with her to say "I have been sensing some distance between us lately. Is there anything we need to address in our relationship? I respect our relationship and want to continue to work together to keep it strong". And, then let her talk. This is supportive, non-accusatory but gives her a heads up that you think there's something to be addressed. You saying you respect the relationship, should at least tap into her conscience a little bit if she is cheating or contemplating that. She may not admit it, but if her behavior doesn't change, then you become more direct with her. but if that happens it may alert her of my suspicions. -- She needs to know you're paying attention. If she thinks you aren't, and she is cheating, she will try to walk all over you. And, by the way, this is not about snooping. This is a marriage. There should be transparency in every aspect of the relationship. If she becomes defensive and/or uncooperative in discussing any relationship issues, you tell her exactly what your suspicions are based on and that based on history, it appears that that history is repeating itself. Edited June 9, 2015 by Redhead14 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Not. That easy as it's been quoted but it was a part of "past" although nothing can justify it, we both moved on. Again not justifying it although we accepted and moved on. She obviously hasn't moved on. She believes you're still cheating and resents you for it, hence why she's going out with other men. This is a monster you've created yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 (edited) Dude, why would you marry a woman who does not love or respect you? I will never understand this. I will never get why people marry people who don't care about them. You had flings, you also do not love her either. So I don't get why she married you either. She doesn't love you, because if she did she wouldn't of cheated, and she knows you don't love her either due to your own cheating. So it means she stayed for..what? Money? Flings are cheating too. Sorry but you never cared for her that much, and she most likely knew that - but she agreed to settle for you, and is now enjoying the company of other men. I don't think there's much to save. I agree flings are cheating, but you phrased this more like she is only unfaithful to him because he cheated first. It could be that is the case. Or it could be that the wife shares a lot in common with her hubby, including not understanding what words like "love" mean. Why do I get the feeling the latter is probably the case.. Edited June 10, 2015 by Spectre Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Yes but at times every one needs one chance after all we are all humans. I am not being too possessive towards her but when her behavior and attitude has changed "MAY BE" because of the involvement of another man it's not accepted, guess will do better in life without her. Everyone needs a chance to cheat? No. Cheating should always be a deal-breaker. Your problem is you gave a get-out-of-jail free card, and expected that to, I dunno, make her more committed? Sounds like both of you have been unfaithful, and you have a very casual regard to "flings." The description you gave for you and then your wife were night and day, too - making you sound almost saint-like and her the devil. I think the answer is there. She's done something unacceptable that you've done before, but she's going down as the demon. I agree, this is toast. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I have to ask who cheated first? He said he had flings, and she had a 7 month affair. Not that it matters much, but I am curious. Also OP: if you cheated first(or even if you didn't) do you have any reason to believe your wife is aware of this? Link to post Share on other sites
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