Possible GIGS?

[Tim99GT]

So to start a long story, my gf and i recently broke up after 2.7 years. I am 30 years old and she is 25 and has an 8 year old daughter.

 

We had known each other for a few years through mutual friends and never tried anything with each other because of the fact that we had very close mutual friends. Well one day we sort of hit it off and our relationship exploded in greatness. I was very hesitant at first (due to her child (i never dated a girl with a child before and didn't know if i could do it)) but eventually fell in love with them both. They would eventually move in with me after ~ 1yr of being together.

 

Fast forward to about a year ago. She begins a new job working at a restaurant as a hostess (going to school part time). I was going to school part time as well while working a full time job (career job). Well about 4 months ago i am laid off, however, its not a complete lay off (basically a major pay cut) due to work being slow and me going to school part time.

Im stressed at the time beyond belief. I own a house, a truck, etc and pay for everything. I never ask her for money bc i know she doesn't really have any to spare. In order to deal with the stress i resort to playing xbox. To me it was a way to escape reality for a while each day. I know she hated it but i needed it at the time.

 

So about 2 months ago she begins really hanging out with her work friends. They would go out on Thursday nights and i was completely ok with it (trusted her very much)

 

Well one night about 1.5 months ago she says shes going see a movie with them after work. I wasnt doing anything and wanted to go but didnt ask her if i could come. I figured if she had wanted me there she would have asked. Well the movie was a midnight showing and i ended up staying up that night watching tv. The movie was supposed to end at 2:20am. Well 3:30am rolls around and she finally walks in the door. I was outside smoking a cig when she pulled into the drive way and noticed she came from the opposite direction of where the theatre is. I asked her where she came from and she tells me that a coworker lives down the street and that they all went to this house after the movie to smoke (herb). I asked her if she was cheating on me and she says no and that how could i ask her that. I tell her i just wanted to ask bc i didnt like the fact that she came home so late and that it was from some guys house to say the least. We go to bed sort of upset but nothing major.

The next day we talk about it and all seems to be good. I explain to her that i love her dearly and that is why i asked.

 

A few days pass and if im being honest with myself and you, i stalk her facebook. I look at her friends that she works with ect. She has one who i noticed comments or likes everything she posts.

Note: Im not huge on facebook btw

well i keep it to myself and these days pass. We go out one night with one of her female coworkers and all seems good for an hour or so. Shes talking to her friend and i am bs'ing with some random guy. Well they both go do something and it becomes just us and i get close to her to show her attention. She makes a comment about her being pushed away right now bc i questioned her trust the other night. I try to explain and things become heated. We end up walking outside to talk and and we begin arguing. She says she is 25 and still wants to feel spontaneous in life. I told her i am ok with that but coming home so late from a guys house is a hard limit for me. We talk a little longer and i tell her im going to go home for the night bc i was upset (her friend came outside and she didnt want to talk to me anymore).

 

I end up going to another bar not far from the one we were at instead to meet some old friends and proceed to get drunk.

Well she ends up showing up an hour later or so. She asks what im doing and i tell her i decided to stay out and have some drinks. We go to another place to get a bite to eat and when we walk in all of her male coworkers are there. I get upset and make a comment or two about them and she leaves. I order food and while eating she walks back in. She tells me that ive been staring at her through the window (Honestly never even saw her sitting outside). I tell her no i wasn't and she seems like shes trying to fight with me. I make another comment about one of the guys and then she gets all mad and i just leave. I go home and go to bed.

 

The next day we make up. I tell her that i was sorry for what happened and she says she is sorry too. We spend all day together and enjoy ourselves.

 

The next day she goes to work. She comes home and seems upset with me. I ask her if everything is ok and she says that she was teased at work by her coworkers bc i was apparently staring at this guy who commented on her facebook (he was there) while eating. I told her i dont really remember that because i was a bit drunk and that i was sorry. I go to bed and leave her be.

 

The next day we talk and everything seems ok. We spend more time together etc and all is well. A few days pass and we are at home one night. She is in the spare bedroom playing on her computer while i ate in the living room. I go into the room after i am done and give her a kiss and tel her that im going to go lay down in bed and for her to come and we can watch a movie. She says to give her a few and sh will be in there. Well 30 minutes or so go by and i walk out of the room and i see her through the door texting away. I ignore it and go do what i was going do and walk back to the room. I see that her door is shut so i go in and give her another kiss and tell her to come and she says she will in a few again. I go back to the room and the same process repeats itself in 30 minutes.

She finally comes to bed and im a bit weirded out right now bc everything seemed sketchy. She asks whats wrong and i tell her nothing. She keep asking and i finally ask her who she was texting. She says she wasn't texting.. I told her i saw her, she denies it, this happens a few times and then she finally says that she was texting her best friend. I ask her why would she lie about that and she tells me that she thinks ive been going through her phone etc (i have never done that and this excuse was bs).

 

I ask her what she talked about and she spits some stuff of the top of her head and i call her out on it. It finally comes out that she was texting a guy from work, that it was an honest convo, that she lied bc she didnt think she could just tell me she was texting a guy given what has happened recently. I ask to see the msg's and she tells me she deleted them. I tell her to get the msg's from him (screenshot) so that i know it was innocent. She supposedly calls him (I dont think she actually called) but gets no answer. I leave for a while to clear my head and when i come back she has all her clothes in the living room packing them. I ask her was it going on and she tells me that she doesn't think this is going to work. That she is fed up with the xbox game. I take the game and break it in front of her and tell her if thats what it is then i wont play anymore. We talk for a few hours and end up going to bed.

 

The next morning she brings her daughter to school. I get up and stay up to talk to her when she comes back. She finally gets back and procedes to tell me that she doesnt think we will work. That we have different life goals etc. I beg her not to do this. That i love her and her daughter more than anything etc. She continues to end it and i end up leaving and told her i cant be next to her right now.

 

The next day she shows up to get a dress for my graduation (yes, this all happened right before i graduated...). We hug each other tightly and she tells me we just need space and that we could show affection right now. She comes to my graduation with her daughter. everything is supper awkward and depressing bc i know i cant spend the day with her like i envisioned it.

 

That afternoon i am talking to friends and have the confidence to basically give an ultimatum of sorts. I tell her i love them but that i would need to see the msg's from the guy to get through this. That i dont know if i could go on without them. We talk late that night and she tells me she will get them, she just doesnt want to involve him since they work together and needs to figure our how she will do it. We sleep aprt (she moved back in with her dad) that night but things felt good as far as our talk.

 

The next day i go to a friends graduation. She msg's me and tells me to call her after. I do and everything seems to be looking up. We talk for a god while. She said she will be at the house when i get home. I get home, we talk, have sex (very passionate i might add) and then i leave to take care of some errands. I talk to her that night and she tells me that everything felt right today, that we would fix this, that she loves me, yada yada yada.

 

The next day we all (daughter included) go have breakfast. We spend the rest of the day together and everything is wonderful. We have sex again and its just as passionate and hot as the day before. She stays the night and we talk of taking a trip in two weeks. We looked for hours and found one and she was all excited. We fool around again and go to bed holding each other.

 

The next morning she calls me to tell me that she got off work and for me to do the same. Im able to take off and let her know. She texts me an hour or so later and says not to book anything just yet. That some stuff came up with work and she might not be able to go. For me not to freak out that nothing is certain yet and she will call me as soon as she knows something (this is at like 10:30AM)

Well the day passes and its not 11:00PM and i haven't heard from her. I leave the house and pass by her work and she isnt there. I decide to pass by her dads place on the way back to my house to make sure she at least made it home ok. As I'm driving i past a bar and see her vehicle. I pull in and call her. She doesn't answer at first and then finally calls me back. I ask her where she is at she she tells the truth. She asks me and i tell her im in the parking lot. We talk and she says she is with her friend getting some advice (the girl's car was there so i believe her). I ask her why she hasn't called and she tells me that she didn't know how to tell me that she couldn't go. She said that they want to promoter her at her work and she will have to work that week to learn. I say im upset about it bc i really thought that this trip would have brought us closer together given what has happened. I ask her about the msg's and she says that ill never see them, that she spoke to the guy a couple days ago and that he deleted them to avoid conflict with his girl (to me that says that they weren't innocent). She says she just cant do this right now that she is stressed out and that she needs her space. I end up leaving and go home and dont talk to her for the rest of the night.

 

The next morning i call her and tell her im sorry for last night. We talk and everything seems ok. I tell her im happy they ant to promote her and that i love her and we hang up.

 

A few hours later she calls me to tell me that she didnt want me to be alarmed, but that she was moving the rest of her things out of the house at that moment and that she didnt think this would work. We talk and i beg her to not do this. It comes out that she doesn't think she is in love with me anymore and that we arent going to work (Shes crying historically)

 

I call her a couple times through that next week crying myself telling her that i lover her etc. She seems call at these times and tells me she is basically out (as in relationship wise). That its not going to work and that she wants me to move on. That she loves me but isnt in love with me etc.

 

A few nights later she untags herself from the pictures on facebook (says she only put me as an acquaintance. Idk facebook enough o now if that does that or not) but i get mad and send her a mean text. I tell her the next day that i was sorry, that the msg was out of anger and that i regret it.

 

I bump into her about 4 days later at the grocery store. We talk and i tell her again that i was sorry again, i ask how she and her daughter have been and she seems very short. I ask her if we can go get dinner or coffee one day and talk and she is very short in saying "IDK, maybe, ill think about it". She tells me that the msg made her very mad and that she doesnt know if she will ever forgive me and that it may have ruined any chance of us ever getting back together.

 

I dont talk to her for 2 weeks and text her last night. She pretty much told me that i wasn't her sole mate, that she loves me but isnt in love with me anymore and never will be, that she wants me to find someone who makes me happy and who i will make happy and that that person isnt her. I beg for her to give us another chance but she is firm in saying that she is done. That when her mind is made up its made up and shes not going to change it.

 

 

 

Im sorry for the mega post and if you made it all the way here, thank you. I know its probably over for good but i felt the need to post my story to see what yall think. I lover her dearly and i know she loved me the same. Not long ago (2 months or so) she would tell me that shes such a lucky girl to have me, that she cant see a future without me etc. And then this happens and im completely thrown for a loop. Its been like an emotional roller coaster from hell and i have no idea whats going on. All her friends tell her to throw herself back into my arms bc im such a great guy but she wont do it. They all say that we are perfect for each other, that im one of the only guys to ever take her and her daughter in and love them as i did. That i was the best guy that she has ever been with etc. I just dont know how she could throw this all away? To throw away a stepdad to her daughter, one that her daughter loves. Im just lost...

 

Thoughts?

 

Edit: Id also like to add that we had talked about marriage for some time prior to all of this and she seemed genuinely excited about it and wanted it with me.

Edited June 8, 2015 by Tim99GT

[ExpatInItaly]

As soon as she said she was only 25 and wanted to be spontaneous in life, she was already checked out of this relationship. Everything after that really only confirms this.

 

I'm sorry OP, but I think there is someone else in the picture. It doesn't appear as though you're being overly paranoid or suspicious - the ref flags are there. I genuinely don't believe she wants to hurt you, but she doesn't know how to just end it once and for all. She is going back and forth because you're letting her do it. Stop enabling that. Right now, she's getting the message that you're a good fallback option. This means she doesn't prioritize you or your relationship together. She obviously doesn't really know what she wants which doesn't bode well for your future.

 

Stop allowing her the space to come and go as she wants. Don't make any more plans with her. Don't get physical. She needs to understand that if she wants to walk away, things won't be the same when she wants some attention or soothing. In the end, it doesn't matter what her friends say. She is the only one who can determine what she wants.

 

Also, as a side note, it appears you both need to work a bit on anger management and conflict resolution skills. Breaking your game is immature and in the end, only hurts you. Storming off on each other is also a crappy way to deal with emotions and resolves nothing.

[Tim99GT]

Thank you for the response ExpatInItaly.

 

I don't want to think that there is someone else, but at the same time it doesnt make sense to me how you just throw everything away so quickly without having some sort of feeling or affection for someone else..At least not when a week prior we were talking about rings and how i found the one and she was all excited and wanted to see it. (I hadnt bought just yet, only found the one i was going to buy) This all literally went from a great relationship with no problems and an excellent sex life, to her being completely cold and done with it in a matter of a couple weeks.

 

As for the anger management problems, yes breaking the game disk wasnt the best move, but at the time i wanted to show her that if that was the real problem, that the game didnt mean anything to me like she did. I dont think that was the real issue though and i think she was just grabbing for an excuse.

 

As far as storming off, yes, not the best move either, but at the time when you are told that its over for good and that this isnt going to work, what do you do? Sit there and pour your heart out to the girl only to be in the same position you were already in? Or leave for a while to try to calm yourself and cool down and give that person toime to cool off as well? Ive never been one to fight or to allow my emotions to get in the way and when they did i just wanted time to myself to assess the situation.