He's The One But Parents Don't Agree

[mamadrama]

So this is going to be somewhat cliche but after reading so many tips/suggestions and advice regarding other people's situations, I thought I'd bring up my own. So the background. My boyfriend and I are both Indian. We both come from the same community/same area in India. Five-ish years ago when I brought this up to my parents they did their investigation on him *without actually talking to him* and they found out that his parents are separated - which I guess is bad because my parents really did not like him afterwards. Along with that, our educational preferences didn't match according to my parents - I recently graduated from a traditional 4-year college whereas he goes to community college so that the costs are slightly better. Also, when my parents observed him from afar they thought he didn't have much of a personality and that we wouldn't make a good match.

 

So I've tried hard in understanding this from my parents' perspective. Obviously, the fact that his parents are separated could be a reason of concern because there is that saying of "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" but he has been a support system for me for the entire 5 years that we've been together. We have a healthy relationship - he doesn't abuse me verbally or physically. He's always encouraged me to follow my dreams and even today he tells me that he'll wait for me even if that means getting married at 45 which is not what I want to do . He doesn't smoke, drink or have any vice that parents would typically bring up. He's responsible, caring, kind.

 

Let's fast-forward to present day. He is successfully working as a pharmacy technician at a reputable place. He's also certified by the PTCB. He wants to pursue his Pharm.D as well but because money is always a problem in these kinds of situations - he's working full time while taking a class or 2 on the side - whatever he can manage. I respect him for that. He's truly trying to make his life better. He wants to prove to my parents that he's not some idiot who fooled their daughter. I've been told by my parents that IF I were to marry him then they would believe that they've never had a daughter.

 

So this is my question. How do I keep everything balanced? How do I keep my parents happy without destroying my happiness? How do I keep my boyfriend happy? I want to tell my parents that they made a mistake in judging him but how do I do so without hurting them and accusing them of being wrong. I've asked my parents to meet him in the past 2 times that this was brought up but they've always denied it whereas my boyfriend always wants to make an attempt in meeting them and explaining to them his story. But I have this fear that has prevented any of that from happening. However, I know as an adult I need to conquer my fears. I also don't know if I should talk to one parent first or tackle them both together. All my friends know about us and they all approve of the relationship. They think we make a good couple. His family likes me as well. It's just my parents that I need to convince/persuade. He makes me feel like a princess but I don't know how to tell my parents that he's the one I want to marry in the future.

 

If anyone has any kind of advice or has been in a similar situation please help!!!!!!

[TaraMaiden2]

One: How old are you both?

 

Two: Do you guys still live/work in India?

[pteromom]

I think the big thing is to handle this with deep respect for your parents, rather than arguing. I understand that in your culture, the parents' opinions carry much more weight than they do in others.

 

I would go to your parents. I would say something like "I understand that you do not believe that he is the one for me. I respect your opinions, but it would mean a lot to me if you would meet him and learn more about him, in order to get more information. I would like to invite him to dinner at your house. You can ask him any questions you wish. After dinner, I will stay and listen to your feedback and opinions and will consider them strongly. May I invite him to join us?"

 

Be VERY respectful, kind, and calm.

 

If they agree, your boyfriend must be ready. They will badger him. They may insult him. He needs to show that he has a good future, that he is a good person, and that he has love and respect for you.

 

If they do not agree, are they the kind of people who would slam the door in his face if he were to just show up on their porch? If they are the kind of people who are always polite to others, he can try just showing up and begging for a chance. Perhaps he will pull at their heartstrings or say something that will shift their thinking.

 

If there is no way they will change their minds, you may have to decide to just take that leap and marry him anyway. They may be angry and temporarily turn their backs on you, but in the future, when children arrive, you may be able to win them back. But - they may never like or accept him.

[mamadrama]

@TaraMaiden2

We both live in the US - he was born there and then came here at a very young age and I was born here. As for age - he's 24 turning 25 soon and I'm 23 turning 24 this year.

 

@pteromom

I agree with what you say about being respectful about it but from my experience with my mother - it's really hard to change her mind/opinion about something. So would it be wise to approach both parents and talk about it or with one parent to sort of test the waters? My dad has always had a soft spot for me but would never disagree with my mom. And after being with my boyfriend for 5 years I know what I feel for him is love. But I don't know if I should actually use that word in front of my parents. I don't want to make the situation anymore awkward than what I'm expecting it to be. My mom pesters me about getting married all the time now that I'm "of age" but I'd want to marry my best friend and someone whom I've gotten to know very well rather than meeting someone at a marriage bureau.

[TaraMaiden2]

Well, bear in mind one main salient fact: You are both adults and do not need your parents' blessing.

 

Admittedly, I take everything regarding your culture into consideration - but (and I'm sorry to sound harsh) your mother and father gave birth to you in the USA - if they were so adamant about you adhering to your culture and traditions, then they should have thought of that before bringing you up in a Western civilisation.

 

I'm sorry, but you're NOT Indian. You're second-generation Indian-American.

It's a hard thing for them to accept, but you are an American citizen, and as such the only thing that compels you to even consider their feelings is the fact that you respect your parents.

 

Frankly, you're absolutely free to marry whom you want, when you want.

And the only thing they can have against that, is their Traditional Pride.

 

It's a tricky one, and I know how difficult the situation is for you, but this is the dilemma countless thousands of second-generation children find themselves in: They're pulled in one direction by their parents, traditions and culture, and pulled in the other by the lifestyle they and their indigenous, native friends live in and enjoy.

Naturally, you're more American than Indian.

That's something they can neither fully understand, or accept.

[Emilia]

OP, how far ard you prepared to go with upsetting your mother? I know Indian mothers are passive aggressive and aren't afraid of resorting to emotional blackmail.

[mamadrama]

@Emilia

My goal is not to upset my mother. Yes I do know that Indian mothers tend to be passive aggressive. I have been told that I wouldn't be here without her plenty of times. However, I definitely think if I were to calmly explain it to her like pteromom mentioned in her post I shouldn't have too much of a problem.

 

However, I keep foreshadowing some sort of problem just because my boyfriend didn't go to the same college as I. He and I are solid - I don't think my mother should have too much of an influence in us. Typically Indian marriages are boasted to be the union between two families however, culturally speaking, I'm to live with my in-laws who don't have a problem with our relationship. I'm just afraid that I'm being a disappointment or will be a disappointment. However, I also agree with TaraMaiden2 in that I should be able to marry whom I want but I don't want to be disrespectful about it. I don't want my parents to cry/get upset thinking they made a mistake in my upbringing. I honestly do not believe that the man I love is a bad individual. I just hope that I'm not doing anything wrong.