Need ! Would you tell??

[Beccagreene]

Very small town here and everyone finds out everyone's business whether you'd like to or not. Unfortunately I have information regarding my brother. He's had a girlfriend (she's about 12 years older than him) for a little less than a year, they got together fast and were moved in together before anyone knew what happened! Anyway, a little bit of background info- his girlfriend's niece and her boyfriend live across the street from them and before my brother was with this woman, he was already friends with her niece from years before. There's that small town thing...

 

Somewhere in the midst of the beginning of the relationship, my brother may have gotten the girlfriends niece pregnant. He was drunk one night at a group gathering we had about a month ago and started telling her to "be careful" and said "that's my kid in there". She looked shocked, but managed to say "he's drunk, please just don't say anything". We were stunned too and due to the awkwardness of the whole thing, just pushed past it. I'm having a harder time with knowing what to do or not to do. The girlfriend has no clue that her niece is possibly having her boyfriends baby and it's hard for me to watch her walk around excited about the upcoming birth, not knowing what the actual possibilities are!

 

I'm sure I could take the "not my circus, not my monkeys" approach to it all, but I'm not supergreat at wwatching people be made to look stupid. I feel like it's her right to know that these two messed around on her and on top of it are parading around like nothings happening! Would you tell her if you knew this was a possibility?

[d0nnivain]

I would encourage your brother to come clean but I would not out him without concrete proof (a DNA test). His GF & her niece are not your family, He is.

[Beccagreene]

Unfortunately, getting him to come clean won't be easy at all. He doesn't remember saying anything about the baby being his in front of us. I ssuppose we could just sit him down, tell him what he was saying that night and ask him about how much of a possibility it really is and what he plans to do about it. Awkward moment to follow for sure!

[smackie9]

I think you should stay out of it. This is between him and his GF and her niece. I agree this is something your brother needs to confess to and in time probably will once the baby is born IF it's true. BUT it's hearsay, and it's possible none of it is actually true. NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS.

[smackie9]

True story: my brother had an affair on his GF. My family found out about it. My mom and I discussed whether to tell his GF, and opted not to, it was up to my brother to do it and none of our business. I had a few talks with him about my concerns, but he didn't really care to listen (he was drinker back then). He eventually got busted, and dealt with it accordingly. She was upset that we didn't tell her. But he is my brother, and I didn't want to jeopardize our relationship....he's family.

[smackie9]

Unfortunately, getting him to come clean won't be easy at all. He doesn't remember saying anything about the baby being his in front of us. I ssuppose we could just sit him down, tell him what he was saying that night and ask him about how much of a possibility it really is and what he plans to do about it. Awkward moment to follow for sure!

 

 

Hopefully (if it is true) he can be steered in the right direction. Best of luck.

[pteromom]

How old is the niece?

 

I would probably not tell. If you decide you have to, I would leave an anonymous note on the gf's car or something. Don't get in the middle of the drama.

[pteromom]

I ssuppose we could just sit him down, tell him what he was saying that night and ask him about how much of a possibility it really is and what he plans to do about it. Awkward moment to follow for sure!

 

Actually, this is a good idea.

[Beccagreene]

The niece is in her 20's, my brother is 30. they were friends long before the relationship with the current girlfriend (her aunt) and I always thought that they had had a few "friends with benefits" incidents over the years. He pretty much confirmed it with this little drunken slip up.

Obviously feeling badly for the girls boyfriend also. He's clueless that any of this is possible also!

[minimariah]

Would you tell her if you knew this was a possibility?

 

i would, yes. i wouldn't do it out of spite or to mess with someone else's life but more to force my brother to take responsibility because there IS a child in question.

 

so yeah, i would most definitely tell IF the brother keeps avoiding the truth. the child is the only reason i'd tell, to be honest - i'd hate to see my brother miss out on raising his own kid OR to see him stuck in a relationship based on lies.

 

it depends on your relationship with your brother, too.

if you're not really close... it could backfire. i personally won't co-sign someone's mess just because we're family.

Edited June 8, 2015 by minimariah

[Spectre]

I hate when people play the "it is up to the person who cheated to confess" card. No, it is really not, because most cheaters are selfish as all hell and will never confess unless forced into a situation where they HAVE to.

 

If you knowingly know someone is getting their life stolen away via being with a cheater, I think you owe it to them to tell them. Yeah, it SHOULD be up to your brother or whoever else is the cheater to tell, but if you're finding out about it and yet tee person cheated on does not know? It is obvious the cheater won't be doing the right thing.

 

A person doesn't deserve to have their life potentially ruined by staying with a cheater merely because you are related to the friggin cheater. Go to the infidelity forum, go read the "fiance cheated while I was deployed". This skanky womans OWN GOOD FRIENDS ratted her out, and why? Because it was the friggin right thing to do, and because they knew the guy cheated on did not deserve to be made a fool of.

 

I wish more people were like those women. Blood might be thicker then water, but it does not ever mean you ignore shady actions of your family and allow others to suffer for it. I just wonder how many lives were utterly ruined because people had this silly mentality.

 

So to the OP: you absolutely tell, especially if the pregnant girl has a boyfriend! DO NOT let trash trick some poor guy into raising a kid that isn't his.

 

True story: my brother had an affair on his GF. My family found out about it. My mom and I discussed whether to tell his GF, and opted not to, it was up to my brother to do it and none of our business. I had a few talks with him about my concerns, but he didn't really care to listen (he was drinker back then). He eventually got busted, and dealt with it accordingly. She was upset that we didn't tell her. But he is my brother, and I didn't want to jeopardize our relationship....he's family.

 

What if he never confessed? What if he never ever got caught and ended up engaged to this girl? Would you still keep quiet? Would you allow this girl to marry your cheating brother just because he is family?

Edited June 10, 2015 by Spectre

[minime13]

He doesn't remember saying it, but you do. So does the group you were with. Sit down and talk to him, one-on-one, and tell him what he said, and in front of who. Ask him about it, and if he owns up to anything, urge him to deal with it. If he doesn't own up, then just urge him to make the right decisions about everything.

 

Then leave it there. Give advice to your brother, but don't take any initiative.

[Spectre]

So if the brother refuses to confess she just sits back and watches him utterly destroy some poor girls life? If she does that she is no better then the scumbag cheating brother.

 

What is that saying? There are two types of evil, those who do evil things and those who see evil things being done and don't do a damn thing about it.

[minime13]

So if the brother refuses to confess she just sits back and watches him utterly destroy some poor girls life? If she does that she is no better then the scumbag cheating brother.

 

What is that saying? There are two types of evil, those who do evil things and those who see evil things being done and don't do a damn thing about it.

 

If he denies it, she doesn't have solid proof, just suspicion. If he owns up to it, and realizes he said that in front of a crowd, I see a confession.

 

These situations are tricky because it is two people (maybe more) in a relationship you are not a part of. You being the good person sometimes does more damage to you because of hurt feelings and perceived betrayal - especially when it comes to siblings.

[Spectre]

But merely having suspicion is enough in this case IMO, a friggin baby is involved. Sitting back and not saying anything could lead to a guy being tricked into raising a kid that isn't his. Also let us be honest, drunk or not his comments make NO SENSE AT ALL if he didn't actually cheat. Also remember: by his opening up his big mouth like that..he totally did make them a part of this situation.

 

But what would your advice be if he DID admit it to the OP, but said he would never confess to his girlfriend?

Edited June 10, 2015 by Spectre

[minime13]

But merely having suspicion is enough in this case IMO, a friggin baby is involved. Sitting back and not saying anything could lead to a guy being tricked into raising a kid that isn't his. Also let us be honest, drunk or not his comments make NO SENSE AT ALL if he didn't actually cheat. Also remember: by his opening up his big mouth like that..he totally did make them a part of this situation.

 

But what would your advice be if he DID admit it to the OP, but said he would never confess to his girlfriend?

 

I guess it depends on how much both of their significant others trust them. If the bf denies and the niece denies, how plausible would it be for the gf to believe someone not involved in the relationship? It also depends a lot on the relationship between the OP and his gf.

 

I've had friends turn on me in favor of their boyfriends, after hearing such information. I've lost friends over it (sure, not great friends, but this is family in this thread).

 

I don't see him refusing to own up to it if this is the case, knowing he opened his mouth and outed himself in front of a group of people in a small town.

[smackie9]

Doesn't matter, god didn't make her or even you or anyone the moral police. This is between two adults, and it is up to them to deal with it on their own, it's their life, their baby, no one elses. What they did (if they did) is not breaking any laws. The OP doesn't have to worry about the baby, nor do YOU, the baby has a mother that will take care of it, and it is SHE and whomever the father is, will decide what is best for the child. The baby will be OK, even if the niece decides to take care of it on her own. Babies grow up just fine with one parent......it's not the end of the world.....In fact none of this is the end of the world. Just another story of someone's life and life goes on, and has gone on with infidelity....no one dies from it, people get over it and move on....just part of life. All your soapbox harping isn't going to stop it.

[Beccagreene]

Thank you everyone who replied and gave an opinion or a suggestion. I appreciate your help. So here's what I've done so far and the results (if you can call it that), I went on the direction of the girlfriend first with an anonymous message. I gave her the basics of what I knew about him just being unfaithful in general. Stressing to her that I know she worries about thisbeing a problem. She answered me by digging her heels in the dirt, insisting that he's always with her, he loves her, he's her whole world, etc... I reiterated to her that I'm very sure of his activities and she should be worried that there could be bigger issues at stake. She once again didn't want to hear it, and honestly (I know some of you will probably be mad at me for yhis) I couldn't bring myself to come out and say to her "your niece could very well be having your boyfriends baby in the near future" without having attempted to confront him about that first. I agree with the idea that he may not have had a clue what he had said while we were at that gathering and I think sitting him down and asking him about it first, hopefully giving him the chance to come clean with those ugly details first might be the better way to go.

Hopefully it works. Thank you everyone again.

[No Limit]

Feeling bad for the GF; she has a worse family than the cheating BF (although she does sound like the naive type that's just desperate for a BF). And yes, him coming clean and being open about his doings would be the best route.

[smackie9]

You blew it. You should have talked to him about it not her. As soon as you confront him now, he is going to know it was YOU who sent those messages and got her all upset. It's all going to be a hot mess. He's prob going to deny it, she will always defend him, and no matter what anyone says....unless you have actual photographic proof, she will never believe you or anyone else. All that will come of this is that your relationship with him will be finished.

[minimariah]

Doesn't matter, god didn't make her or even you or anyone the moral police.

 

giving criticism & choosing NOT to turn your head around and act like it's none of your business when you have the opportunity to make lives for folks easier... is really not "being the moral police".

 

What they did (if they did) is not breaking any laws.

 

and... this is the reason that it shouldn't be acknowledged? :/

 

The OP doesn't have to worry about the baby, nor do YOU, the baby has a mother that will take care of it...

 

but how do you know she'll take care of it?

 

The baby will be OK...

 

you don't even know if YOU'RE going to be OK tomorrow, let alone some random baby. life is THAT uncertain.

 

Babies grow up just fine with one parent....

 

what's up with those who don't?

 

it's not the end of the world.....

 

ignoring the seriousness of this situation won't really help anyone. it is not OK, it won't be OK unless this mess is solved. no, it isn't the end of the world but it's not all peachy and dandy and it would be super smart to deal with this mess NOW instead of years later.

 

it is super irresponsible to rob this baby of having both of her parents around just because there are some babies who turn out well.

Edited June 11, 2015 by minimariah

[minime13]

Thank you everyone who replied and gave an opinion or a suggestion. I appreciate your help. So here's what I've done so far and the results (if you can call it that), I went on the direction of the girlfriend first with an anonymous message. I gave her the basics of what I knew about him just being unfaithful in general. Stressing to her that I know she worries about thisbeing a problem. She answered me by digging her heels in the dirt, insisting that he's always with her, he loves her, he's her whole world, etc... I reiterated to her that I'm very sure of his activities and she should be worried that there could be bigger issues at stake. She once again didn't want to hear it, and honestly (I know some of you will probably be mad at me for yhis) I couldn't bring myself to come out and say to her "your niece could very well be having your boyfriends baby in the near future" without having attempted to confront him about that first. I agree with the idea that he may not have had a clue what he had said while we were at that gathering and I think sitting him down and asking him about it first, hopefully giving him the chance to come clean with those ugly details first might be the better way to go.

Hopefully it works. Thank you everyone again.

This was a mistake. There's no way now that he'll come clean.

 

It was kind of an underhanded thing to do, considering you don't really even know for a fact that the situation you described is the case.

 

I don't really understand - why did you go this route instead of talking to your own brother, directly?

[smackie9]

giving criticism & choosing NOT to turn your head around and act like it's none of your business when you have the opportunity to make lives for folks easier... is really not "being the moral police".

 

 

 

and... this is the reason that it shouldn't be acknowledged? :/

 

 

 

but how do you know she'll take care of it?

 

 

 

you don't even know if YOU'RE going to be OK tomorrow, let alone some random baby. life is THAT uncertain.

 

 

 

what's up with those who don't?

 

 

 

ignoring the seriousness of this situation won't really help anyone. it is not OK, it won't be OK unless this mess is solved. no, it isn't the end of the world but it's not all peachy and dandy and it would be super smart to deal with this mess NOW instead of years later.

 

it is super irresponsible to rob this baby of having both of her parents around just because there are some babies who turn out well.

 

Mountain/mole hill.

 

Did the OP in any of her posts have a true dire concern about the baby's welfare? No not at all so this led me to believe the baby is in good hands. Her only real concern was for the GF to know about her brother's (supposed) immoral actions. If it is true, I'm sure he will own up to it and take responsibility. He will obviously be pressured into doing the right thing by all the towns folk there and all parties concerned. It sounds like a tight knit community that helps each other out.

 

BTW babies born from a rape victim, molestation, one night stand or any other immoral situation have turned out just fine. A close friend of mine was born from a rape victim....he's happily married, raise a daughter...np.

[Beccagreene]

Wow is all I can say at this point.

 

I headed for the gf first because I was trying to see what she already knew, if anything. I also mentioned she's very insecure to begin with, so she's had panic over keeping him with her before. The insecurity spills over into the ability the two of them have at communication. I know for a fact she'll never tell him that someone contacted her regarding his fidelity. It would ruin her picture of what she believes she has with him.

 

Her niece, I'm sure will be a capable mother to this child, regardless of being a crappy relative to her aunt and no matter if the father is her bf or my brother.

 

There's not a lot of question regarding whether or not she had sex with my brother, that's been a sort of quietly known truth. The actual issue is did they get involved in a time frame that could bring the paternity of her baby into question? (apparently my brother thinks so)

 

Thanks for the input.

[minime13]

Wow is all I can say at this point.

 

I headed for the gf first because I was trying to see what she already knew, if anything. I also mentioned she's very insecure to begin with, so she's had panic over keeping him with her before. The insecurity spills over into the ability the two of them have at communication. I know for a fact she'll never tell him that someone contacted her regarding his fidelity. It would ruin her picture of what she believes she has with him.

 

Her niece, I'm sure will be a capable mother to this child, regardless of being a crappy relative to her aunt and no matter if the father is her bf or my brother.

 

There's not a lot of question regarding whether or not she had sex with my brother, that's been a sort of quietly known truth. The actual issue is did they get involved in a time frame that could bring the paternity of her baby into question? (apparently my brother thinks so)

 

Thanks for the input.

 

The thing is, though, that he has no obligation to come clean now, because he knows his gf will stand by him. Anonymous contact is a real cheap and disrespectful thing to do, too, because it puts a certain pressure on the girlfriend who could be dealing with someone who simply wants to break them up, among other things. And, you never even gave the important info: her niece's child could be fathered by her boyfriend.

 

Damage has been done, so please just stay out of it in the future.