Suspicious or paranoid?

[heva423]

This is my second serious relationship. I am 21 years old and have been dating my current boyfriend for 6 months. We connect on levels that I never thought possible and I love him very much. Problem is I have been feeling suspicious of his behavior lately and I don't know if I am just paranoid because of the mental abuse and cheating from my last relationship....or if I have good reason.

 

Recently he moved in with me in our home town. He no longer has many friends here and has been feelings kind of down and lonely. This girl that he graduated with has been messaging him on and off since we both hung out with her at the bar a few months back. I did not read into that at all....until he told me that she has been showing interest in him and flirting thought messenger. I've read them and even though, at the time (idk about now), he wasn't flirting, she still would flirt with him.

 

Flash forward to now......he randomly will bring her up and that she wants his help fixing something or moving something or helping her dad with something and will just take off. I barely ever see him on his phone. Sure I trusted him the first few times, he went without any question from me. I know he needs time for himself because literally all of our free time is spent together and it can get overbearing sometimes.

 

Now I'm feeling a little weird about it because we just found out she lives a double life. She has a husband and 2 children but the life she portrays is that she is single. We have both seen her go home with random men at the bar and she even admitted to her double life.

 

If she has no problem cheating on her husband why would she have any problems crossing lines with my boyfriend.

 

I don't know what he is feeling or thinking about the whole thing. But I don't know why he would want to hang out with her. One minute he is telling me how ****ty she is for acting that way, and then next I get a message while I'm at class that he is going to go help her fix her motorcycle.

 

One time I acted slightly upset about him going to help her and he got defensive and didn't go.

 

Maybe this is just his way of getting some space, but is it wrong of me to feel upset about them spending time together?

 

Should I talk to him and say she is making me uncomfortable or suck it up and just accept I came out a little damaged from my last relationship?

 

I really can go through another cheating and lying boyfriend After all the cheating and lies from my last relationship.

 

 

Thoughts?

[Qboro90]

You have every right at this point to tell him that you are not comfortable with him hanging out with her. Explain that you both are aware of her double life and how she cheats on her husband. Ask him if he would feel comfortable if you had developed a friendship with a man who 1. Was married 2. Cheated on his partner 3. Expressed interest in you regardless of the fact they know you are dating someone. Anyone would have an issue with that, you are within your rights as his girl to object and intervene. Tell him that if he respects you and wants a future with you he will no longer spend time with this woman alone.

 

It is only a matter of time before something happens between them. You don't need to worry yourself that if you have a argument with him one day that she will be there and exploit that chance to hook up with him.

You do not seem to be overbearing or jealous. It would be different if you had told him not to hang out with other people in the past but from what I gauge you are an easy going trusting gf. That should make your feelings towards this even more meaningful since he knows you do not get bugged out easily and give him his space when needed. Explain that you understand he's been having a tough time since the move and u want him to have people to hang out with other than yourself, however this girl is a ticking time bomb and if he can't respect you enough to remove himself from that situation then perhaps you need to reevaluate your relationship. If he makes a fuss about it then you will know something is going on. If he says "ok babe, you're right, I won't contibue seeing her alone" then he loves you and you're all set.

[heva423]

You have every right at this point to tell him that you are not comfortable with him hanging out with her. Explain that you both are aware of her double life and how she cheats on her husband. Ask him if he would feel comfortable if you had developed a friendship with a man who 1. Was married 2. Cheated on his partner 3. Expressed interest in you regardless of the fact they know you are dating someone. Anyone would have an issue with that, you are within your rights as his girl to object and intervene. Tell him that if he respects you and wants a future with you he will no longer spend time with this woman alone.

 

It is only a matter of time before something happens between them. You don't need to worry yourself that if you have a argument with him one day that she will be there and exploit that chance to hook up with him.

You do not seem to be overbearing or jealous. It would be different if you had told him not to hang out with other people in the past but from what I gauge you are an easy going trusting gf. That should make your feelings towards this even more meaningful since he knows you do not get bugged out easily and give him his space when needed. Explain that you understand he's been having a tough time since the move and u want him to have people to hang out with other than yourself, however this girl is a ticking time bomb and if he can't respect you enough to remove himself from that situation then perhaps you need to reevaluate your relationship. If he makes a fuss about it then you will know something is going on. If he says "ok babe, you're right, I won't contibue seeing her alone" then he loves you and you're all set.

 

That's what I feel I should do. He is at her house now helping her with her motorcycle and I am losing my mind. He's been there for 3 hours and I just don't see what he could possible be doing. When he works on his motorcycle it never takes him that long. I will take to him when he gets home...

[Qboro90]

Yea 3 hours at another woman's house is a bit alarming. You may also want to think about going over there with an excuse like "hey babe been trying to call you but kept getting your voicemail... I needed _____ asap otherwise Id wait till you get home" something to that degree if you can come up with something relevant. Also you should assert your role as his gf in front of her. Make her know that he is yours and she needs to back off and know her place. What kind of relationship do u have with her? If any? Are you friends? Do you talk? Or not at all? If she means nothing to you then don't feel worried about embarrassing yourself by showing up or catching them off guard. Her opinion of you means nothing and if your bf really cares about you he will see how worried this is making you.

[smackie9]

So you are saying your BF has no self control?? Doesn't matter if she comes onto him, you should be able to trust his better judgment. Plus if he is over at her place, there would be her kids and her husband there right?

 

The only thing your BF is guilty of at this moment is disrespecting you and your relationship. Keeping company with someone with no moral values/ and who desecrates her marriage is someone of very poor character. He is stepping over the line and he should know better than to be hanging out or even talking to someone who persists in flirting with him. It's sick that gets defensive about her.

 

You need to discuss "boundaries" with him. Tell him she is not an appropriate person to hang out with or should be talking to. How would he like it if a guy was heavily flirting with you, and you continue to message them, then just go over to his place to help him bake some pies lol. Seriously he needs an adjustment.

[heva423]

Yea 3 hours at another woman's house is a bit alarming. You may also want to think about going over there with an excuse like "hey babe been trying to call you but kept getting your voicemail... I needed _____ asap otherwise Id wait till you get home" something to that degree if you can come up with something relevant. Also you should assert your role as his gf in front of her. Make her know that he is yours and she needs to back off and know her place. What kind of relationship do u have with her? If any? Are you friends? Do you talk? Or not at all? If she means nothing to you then don't feel worried about embarrassing yourself by showing up or catching them off guard. Her opinion of you means nothing and if your bf really cares about you he will see how worried this is making you.

 

Well he got home from her place and had grease on his hands and under his nails. Also had some parts with him. So he was definitely there working. He also told me he got to meet the husband and daughter. So I felt alright about it.

 

I've only met her on a few occasions. I don't really care what she thinks of me. I've never really cared for her because of the way she behaves.

 

So I asked him if she was going to pay him for all of the work he did on her bike, and he tell me no but she offered to buy him a few rounds of drinks but I get the impression that he doesn't want me to go to the bar with him. He hasn't straight out said it, but the way he talks seems like it will just be the 2 of them.

 

Last night I offered to take off the afternoon so we could go do something fun together today, but he informed me that he's going to her house to finish her bike today. Soooooo guess im not taking the day off?

 

We got into an argument this morning about just a bunch of stupid ****. And now all I can think is im driving him towards her even more. I know I didn't do anything wrong but I just don't know how to handle this.

[juicyjencouture]

If you don't feel comfortable, you should move on.

 

Feelings like that always stay around and will just bother you forever.

 

Plus you're young!

[smackie9]

Stop beating around the bush and just tell him you are uncomfortable with him being associated with someone like her......she's disgusting. And further more what is the purpose of even hanging around with her. Ask him what he is getting out of it.....is it because he doesn't know how to reject her and tell her no....doesn't want to be the bad guy?

 

Obviously your scrap about misc s hit was caused by your underlying stress from all this. It's unfair to be just getting into it with him and not actually discussing what is truly bothering you.

[Qboro90]

Well he got home from her place and had grease on his hands and under his nails. Also had some parts with him. So he was definitely there working. He also told me he got to meet the husband and daughter. So I felt alright about it.

 

I've only met her on a few occasions. I don't really care what she thinks of me. I've never really cared for her because of the way she behaves.

 

So I asked him if she was going to pay him for all of the work he did on her bike, and he tell me no but she offered to buy him a few rounds of drinks but I get the impression that he doesn't want me to go to the bar with him. He hasn't straight out said it, but the way he talks seems like it will just be the 2 of them.

 

Last night I offered to take off the afternoon so we could go do something fun together today, but he informed me that he's going to her house to finish her bike today. Soooooo guess im not taking the day off?

 

We got into an argument this morning about just a bunch of stupid ****. And now all I can think is im driving him towards her even more. I know I didn't do anything wrong but I just don't know how to handle this.

 

 

I'm sorry but im still waiting for the part where you actually told him that you are uncomfortable with him spending so much time with this woman. When you asked if she was going to pay him for the work he did on her bike and he replied "no she's going to buy me a few rounds of drinks at the bar", that didn't seem absurd to you? "Oh wow awesome, so in return for you going out of your way to help her free of charge, her payment is that she gets to spend MORE time with you alone?!" THATS crazy! You can even tell him "listen I know I might sound insecure, but something about this woman just makes me feel uneasy. Maybe it's because I don't know her wel enough but if you want me to be ok with it, then I would like to go with you to the bar for these drinks so that I can see her intentions aren't malicious or shady". That's about as reasonable a request there is and if he isn't ok with it then I would assume something IS going on with them. Just because he met her husband and kid doesn't change the fact that you know she has cheated in the past. Also, by going to the bar or hanging out with him and her together you are 1.claiming your territory and showing her that you're here and you're not intimidated by her. 2. I feel like it is much more difficult for him to cheat if he knows you know the woman and also it's harder for her to seduce him if you're present in his life. If that's not a deterrent then she's clearly a psycho home wrecker who has 0 respect for anyone else.

[No Limit]

Have a talk with her husband.

[heva423]

just an update to all this. we had a serious talk about it. i told him how truly uncomfortable i felt about her and that her way or repaying him wasn't right. he admitted that it was weird and he could see how it would make me feel uneasy. I also told him how i didn't like him spending time with a woman that openly cheats on her husband and he agreed and said he didn't want to cause any problems between us over some woman that isn't a good person. so he told her that he couldn't do any more work for her. we went out to the bar later and bumped into her and he had no problem showing me off in front of her. you guys were right, i just needed to be forward about it and truly explain why it made me uncomfortable. we didn't have any more issues after the talk we had

[Lois_Griffin]

So I asked him if she was going to pay him for all of the work he did on her bike, and he tell me no but she offered to buy him a few rounds of drinks but I get the impression that he doesn't want me to go to the bar with him. He hasn't straight out said it, but the way he talks seems like it will just be the 2 of them.

 

Last night I offered to take off the afternoon so we could go do something fun together today, but he informed me that he's going to her house to finish her bike today. Soooooo guess im not taking the day off?

Let me guess - your boyfriend doesn't have a job and you're supporting him.

 

He's got all the time in the world to go over to his female friend's house and work on her motorcycle for free, yet apparently doesn't feel the need to get out and hit the pavement looking for a job.

 

That should be your bigger concern - that you're supporting him and paying the bar bill when you go out at night and he's perfectly fine with that. Most men have way too much pride to allow themselves to be in that position, but it apparently doesn't bother him.

[Lois_Griffin]

just an update to all this. we had a serious talk about it. i told him how truly uncomfortable i felt about her and that her way or repaying him wasn't right. he admitted that it was weird and he could see how it would make me feel uneasy. I also told him how i didn't like him spending time with a woman that openly cheats on her husband and he agreed and said he didn't want to cause any problems between us over some woman that isn't a good person. so he told her that he couldn't do any more work for her. we went out to the bar later and bumped into her and he had no problem showing me off in front of her. you guys were right, i just needed to be forward about it and truly explain why it made me uncomfortable. we didn't have any more issues after the talk we had

Good. Now tell him to get his lazy ass out and get a job.