I don't feel understood

[maysousa]

Hi!

I'm new here and the reason why I found this website is because I was looking for a place to vent a little bit.

So, I moved to Bulgaria (I'm from Brazil, so it's quite a change) a couple of months ago to marry my boyfriend. We met one year ago working abroad and decided I should come to see how was the situation with his family, since anyway I was staying in Europe.

We have been living together now and I found that adjustment is harder after a long period than at first. I don't speak bulgarian, we speak only english with each other and his closest friends also speak english, so it's not a problem. But lately, they only talk in their own language when we are out and I'm sitting there staring at nothing. I talked to him about this and he said he cant simply ask his friends to speak in english, they would feel I'm a burden. After that, I started looking at things more carefully, and realized he doesn't really understand the sacrifices I'm making to leave my country and learn a new language and culture.

He gets to go out with his buddies and I stay at home, and when I want to do something by myself he says he's not confortable with it and makes a big deal out of it. Needless to say after two months here I can manage to go to the supermarket by the corner to pick up something by myself, cmon. I also planned some weekend away and he said no, because his friends were planning something else.

I don't know if moving so far away for a relationship is worth it anymore...

[pondhawk]

At first I was going to say that there's no way you can control his friends use of language, so try not to make it a big deal. You will eventually learn the language and things will smooth itself out. However, when you said you planned a weekend together and he said no, a red flag went up. It sounds as if he is choosing his friends over you. Or, he's not too concerned with your feelings.

 

And that part where he can go out with his friends but when you want to he makes a big deal out of it.... what's that all about??

 

It's healthy that both of you do things on your own. But you need to do things as a couple too. Balance is key.

 

I would tell him that we must compromise. The days you go out with your buddies, I will go out too. Where I live, we have Meetup. It's an online group with all different activities. They have language clubs where you meet and talk. Maybe a group like this exists in your area?

 

Good luck. Tell him he's married now and he needs to compromise.

[Satu]

I don't want to comment on your relationship, and I'm not dismissing your view of events, but if you go to live in another country the onus is on you to learn the language, rather than expecting others to speak your preferred language.

 

Learning the language will empower you.

 

Its easier than ever to learn languages with modern teaching methods, and you'll learn quite quickly if you apply yourself to it.

 

Good luck.

Edited June 8, 2015 by Satu

[berniev]

I'm not dismissing your view of events, but if you go to live in another country, the onus is on you to learn the language, rather than expecting others to speak your preferred language.

 

Its easier than ever, to learn languages with modern teaching methods, and you'll learn quite quickly if you apply yourself to it.

 

Good luck.

 

Well said. When you moving to a new place, be it a new city or new country, it's up to you to make the effort to learn the new language, new custom and make new friends. More importantly make changes to yourself so that you can fit in.

 

When in Rome, do as Romans do.

 

This is from someone who has lived in three different countries. It takes at least a year before you can feel comfortable. It took me 2 years to feel at ease even I spoke enough English to get around. If you can't make that commitment - I wouldn't because learning Bulgarian isn't useful to me unless his family is fabulously rich, don't waste your time and get out ASAP.

Edited June 8, 2015 by berniev

[pteromom]

He gets to go out with his buddies and I stay at home, and when I want to do something by myself he says he's not confortable with it and makes a big deal out of it. Needless to say after two months here I can manage to go to the supermarket by the corner to pick up something by myself, cmon. I also planned some weekend away and he said no, because his friends were planning something else.

I don't know if moving so far away for a relationship is worth it anymore...

 

How is he as a boyfriend in general? Is he kind and supportive, or is he controlling and selfish?

 

At any rate, he should realize that you are lonely and need friends and hobbies too.

 

I do have one bit of advice for you - when you want to do something by yourself, and he says he isn't comfortable with it, give him a little kiss, and laugh, and tell him you will be just fine, and GO ANYWAY.

 

It's unfair of him to confine you to the home, when he is allowed to go out and do whatever he wants whenever he wants.

 

Your boyfriend should not be the only light in your life. Take a class. Find a social hobby. Make your life what you want it to be.

[sandylee1]

I don't want to comment on your relationship, and I'm not dismissing your view of events, but if you go to live in another country the onus is on you to learn the language, rather than expecting others to speak your preferred language.

 

Learning the language will empower you.

 

Its easier than ever to learn languages with modern teaching methods, and you'll learn quite quickly if you apply yourself to it.

 

Good luck.

 

Maybe so but it's no reason to tell her she can't make her own plans

 

I'd begin to feel like a prisoner and from what you say without compromising this marriage won't last long and you'll be back in Brazil .

 

It doesn't sound like he appreciates what the OP has given up for him.

 

BTW - learning a new language comes easier to some

[MJJean]

Maybe so but it's no reason to tell her she can't make her own plans

 

I'd begin to feel like a prisoner and from what you say without compromising this marriage won't last long and you'll be back in Brazil .

 

It doesn't sound like he appreciates what the OP has given up for him.

 

BTW - learning a new language comes easier to some

 

I wonder how much of him not wanting the OP to go out alone has to do with the language barrier and/or safety. If she can't speak the language a myriad of things could happen to her and she would have difficulty summoning help. If they live in a less than desirable area that would add to the worries.

[Satu]

Maybe so but it's no reason to tell her she can't make her own plans

 

I'd begin to feel like a prisoner and from what you say without compromising this marriage won't last long and you'll be back in Brazil .

 

It doesn't sound like he appreciates what the OP has given up for him.

 

BTW - learning a new language comes easier to some

 

As I said, I wasn't commenting on her marriage. I was only talking about the language issue, as I've been in a similar situation where I needed to learn a language quickly.

Edited June 9, 2015 by Satu

[Babs22]

Hi!

I'm new here and the reason why I found this website is because I was looking for a place to vent a little bit.

So, I moved to Bulgaria (I'm from Brazil, so it's quite a change) a couple of months ago to marry my boyfriend. We met one year ago working abroad and decided I should come to see how was the situation with his family, since anyway I was staying in Europe.

We have been living together now and I found that adjustment is harder after a long period than at first. I don't speak bulgarian, we speak only english with each other and his closest friends also speak english, so it's not a problem. But lately, they only talk in their own language when we are out and I'm sitting there staring at nothing. I talked to him about this and he said he cant simply ask his friends to speak in english, they would feel I'm a burden. After that, I started looking at things more carefully, and realized he doesn't really understand the sacrifices I'm making to leave my country and learn a new language and culture.

He gets to go out with his buddies and I stay at home, and when I want to do something by myself he says he's not confortable with it and makes a big deal out of it. Needless to say after two months here I can manage to go to the supermarket by the corner to pick up something by myself, cmon. I also planned some weekend away and he said no, because his friends were planning something else.

I don't know if moving so far away for a relationship is worth it anymore...

 

I am American and I am married to a man who is from Thailand. He moved to the US when he was 16. I met him when he was 29. Obviously we speak English when we are together. He has never wanted me to learn Thai. It really wasn't a problem, but when I was about 33, His family started to immigrate to the US. Now we have family dinners with his family. There are a few other Americans, but we are the minority. His mom is in her 80s and only knows a handful of English. So when we are at dinner, they often revert to speaking Thai. I am ok with that because she can't speak English. However, it is uncomfortable to sit at dinner and not understand especially when all the people at the table know English but they start speaking Thai, that bothers me. I understand if his mom is there, she is the only one who cannot speak English. But if she is not there, and my husband starts speaking Thai, I just want to leave. I would think long and hard about marrying someone from another country. It is not as easy as it first seems.

 

I actually have a bigger problem with the way your BF seems to want to control you, by not letting you go out or plan a weekend doing something you want to do. This will not get better after marriage. Better that you found out now before you are married. I'd go back to Brazil.

[maysousa]

I think some of you got me wrong about the language, I'm trying hard to learn it but since with bulgarian I need to start from the alphabet and it takes longer, I don't see the harm in speaking in english when I cannot understand the whole conversation.

My biggest problem was actually with him going out and not allowing me, given that I've been here for a while and know the basic language to go out by myself. Also, it's not a dangerous place.

Other than these things I have mentioned, very few times he made me feel bad about myself or our relationship and even in those times we worked it out. So maybe a serious conversation once more could do it?

 

I really appreciate all the advices.

[sandylee1]

I think some of you got me wrong about the language, I'm trying hard to learn it but since with bulgarian I need to start from the alphabet and it takes longer, I don't see the harm in speaking in english when I cannot understand the whole conversation.

My biggest problem was actually with him going out and not allowing me, given that I've been here for a while and know the basic language to go out by myself. Also, it's not a dangerous place.

Other than these things I have mentioned, very few times he made me feel bad about myself or our relationship and even in those times we worked it out. So maybe a serious conversation once more could do it?

 

I really appreciate all the advices.

 

I fully understand your point.

 

Speaking in a foreign language bearing in mind they can speak English is actually rude but not all cultures have this understanding or view . If they couldn't speak English I would understand

 

He has no valid reason for you not going out and I adopt the philosophy of starting as you mean to go on. Don't allow him to control your movements or he'll believe he has the right to. Unless he comes up with a valid reason just continue with your plans.

 

You need to determine whether this relationship will work without you submitting to everything he wants. If you go along with what he wants now then decide not to later on, he'll say you've changed.

So be the person you are and show what you will accept.

 

Regarding the language.....really If people continue to converse in a language I don't understand, then I see little point of being in their company.

 

I had an ex who spoke in his language with friends, not all the time , but they could all speak perfect English. It's really annoying when they laugh and you're clueless about the joke. I just used to go up to his room and read for a while. I don't think they did it deliberately but I got a taste of what marriage to him would be.

[sandylee1]

As I said, I wasn't commenting on her marriage. I was only talking about the language issue, as I've been in a similar situation where I needed to learn a language quickly.

 

Fair point. ☺

[StalwartMind]

I actually feel for you maysousa and to be honest regardless if you are "expected" to learn the local language, that does take time and there is no reason he, his friends, family etc. can't take that into their consideration. Honestly I would personally feel rude speaking in my domestic language if I am in the company of someone who only speaks English or in your case Portuguese as well. I know we are all different with views equally so, but to me it's about making someone feel as comfortable as possible. By excluding you or making you feel even more like the outsider you are, then that can make you feel a bit unwelcome.

 

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel disappointed by him saying no to something you planned. I understand the importance of maintaining all the relationships you have to friends and family, but I do believe if you are in a committed relationship to someone you love, then you ought to at least give them a high priority. When things fall a bit or a lot a part it's more than natural to question if moving so far for a relationship is worth it. If you ask me, for anyone who does commit to long distance relationships or move to another region, then the answer yes, but only if that part actually understand all that it includes. It is super important to be the best support in aiding you with adapting to your new environment. You do not do that by excluding partner, no you actually do that by showing compassion, caring and perhaps even sacrificing some of your own previous priorities.

 

The person leaving their own country/city/region to go another place, will always be the one taking the biggest risk. Many understand this but unfortunately there are some that don't completely grasp it. I do hope otherwise he is a terrific man, everyone has their faults but it is never too late to correct them or just otherwise in general improve yourself.

[Lois_Griffin]

Hi!

I'm new here and the reason why I found this website is because I was looking for a place to vent a little bit.

So, I moved to Bulgaria (I'm from Brazil, so it's quite a change) a couple of months ago to marry my boyfriend. We met one year ago working abroad and decided I should come to see how was the situation with his family, since anyway I was staying in Europe.

We have been living together now and I found that adjustment is harder after a long period than at first. I don't speak bulgarian, we speak only english with each other and his closest friends also speak english, so it's not a problem. But lately, they only talk in their own language when we are out and I'm sitting there staring at nothing. I talked to him about this and he said he cant simply ask his friends to speak in english, they would feel I'm a burden. After that, I started looking at things more carefully, and realized he doesn't really understand the sacrifices I'm making to leave my country and learn a new language and culture.

He gets to go out with his buddies and I stay at home, and when I want to do something by myself he says he's not confortable with it and makes a big deal out of it. Needless to say after two months here I can manage to go to the supermarket by the corner to pick up something by myself, cmon. I also planned some weekend away and he said no, because his friends were planning something else.

I don't know if moving so far away for a relationship is worth it anymore...

Oh Jesus. Go home. Consider this an adventure you'll one day laugh about.

[maysousa]

I actually feel for you maysousa and to be honest regardless if you are "expected" to learn the local language, that does take time and there is no reason he, his friends, family etc. can't take that into their consideration. Honestly I would personally feel rude speaking in my domestic language if I am in the company of someone who only speaks English or in your case Portuguese as well. I know we are all different with views equally so, but to me it's about making someone feel as comfortable as possible. By excluding you or making you feel even more like the outsider you are, then that can make you feel a bit unwelcome.

 

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel disappointed by him saying no to something you planned. I understand the importance of maintaining all the relationships you have to friends and family, but I do believe if you are in a committed relationship to someone you love, then you ought to at least give them a high priority. When things fall a bit or a lot a part it's more than natural to question if moving so far for a relationship is worth it. If you ask me, for anyone who does commit to long distance relationships or move to another region, then the answer yes, but only if that part actually understand all that it includes. It is super important to be the best support in aiding you with adapting to your new environment. You do not do that by excluding partner, no you actually do that by showing compassion, caring and perhaps even sacrificing some of your own previous priorities.

 

The person leaving their own country/city/region to go another place, will always be the one taking the biggest risk. Many understand this but unfortunately there are some that don't completely grasp it. I do hope otherwise he is a terrific man, everyone has their faults but it is never too late to correct them or just otherwise in general improve yourself.

 

I fully understand your point.

 

Speaking in a foreign language bearing in mind they can speak English is actually rude but not all cultures have this understanding or view . If they couldn't speak English I would understand

 

He has no valid reason for you not going out and I adopt the philosophy of starting as you mean to go on. Don't allow him to control your movements or he'll believe he has the right to. Unless he comes up with a valid reason just continue with your plans.

 

You need to determine whether this relationship will work without you submitting to everything he wants. If you go along with what he wants now then decide not to later on, he'll say you've changed.

So be the person you are and show what you will accept.

 

Regarding the language.....really If people continue to converse in a language I don't understand, then I see little point of being in their company.

 

I had an ex who spoke in his language with friends, not all the time , but they could all speak perfect English. It's really annoying when they laugh and you're clueless about the joke. I just used to go up to his room and read for a while. I don't think they did it deliberately but I got a taste of what marriage to him would be.

 

 

I thank both of you for the great advices and for seeing both sides. The point in joining this forum was exactly it, because if I talked about it with a good friend of mine, for sure they would be on my side just because they are my friends, it's good to expose my side of the story and still have arguments that work both for me and him.

As for the language, I'm trying to study a little bit each day, so I can get past the superficial (introducing myself and going to the supermaker haha). I think of all issues, this is the smallest, since I think I should be aware that moving to a new country would imply learning the language, I'll also try to ask him to at least translate one time or another the conversation, who knows?

I honestly think he is clueless when it comes, for example, to me making plans and he saying no because of friends. He doesn't understand in which way it could affect me, so having an honest conversation about how lonely I'm feeling lately could also do (even though we have had one of these for another reason). These days he was complaining because some friends moved from the city and he said it was ****. And I just said "then maybe you should think from my side how it would be, at least you still have a few, not to mention family". Silence. Heh.

[StalwartMind]

Definitely attempt to see if he, or anyone else you may be sitting/standing next to would willing to translate the conversation. In general I would see it as good manners if the attention turned to you once in a while by the different members of the group, or at the very least your boyfriend. That helps with making you feel like you are a part of it instead of a bystander.

 

While everyone enters relationship for a variety of reasons, you would assume that one of the key reasons is because you want to share your life and care for someone else. Again our perspective on how to exactly do that is very different, but I would feel lonely too if I didn't see at least some kind of effort being put into it. Unselfishness goes a long way in making someone else feel secure and comfortable, I don't think one can fault you for not trying.