Am I obsessive or overreacting that my boyfriend hangs out with a former FWB?

[worriedlover27]

They text, snapchat, and even get dinner together. To be clear, I do NOT mind my boyfriend having female friends even if they are an ex. But this situation/friendship makes me extremely uncomfortable.

First off, when they were having there little fwb relationship, she was cheating on her boyfriend! They even live together. So this relationship was obviously a secret. The only reason they stopped was because I came along. We've been dating for 8 months and I still haven't met her, yet she'll text him to hang out/get dinner. I almost met her for dinner with my boyfriend but she cancelled last minute. I thought that was so shady. Was it because she didn't want to meet me or maybe im reading too much into it.

He insists they're just friends but it still bothers me. I don't even know her but i cannot help but judge her as a cheater and someone i would never trust as a person. I want to trust my bf so bad but it's so hard when I know of their past history and i haven't even met her.

I just found out she plans on moving out from her boyfriends place and getting her own place the end of this month. I have these crazy thoughts they'll not only go out to hang out but that he'll go over her place when I'm not around.

I know I've been a bit obsessive over this but I just don't know what to do. It bothers me so much. Any advice or thoughts?

[pteromom]

Is it overreacting to be upset that he hangs out with her? Maybe.

 

Is it overreacting to be upset that he keeps his friendship with her completely separate from you, and that you haven't had an opportunity to meet this good friend of his in 8 months? Definitely not.

 

If she's his friend, she needs to be your friend too, or at least meet you and do things all together once in a while.

 

He needs to make it happen.

[ExpatInItaly]

It would be a problem for me, because it sounds as though she hasn't really let go of him. I would not be okay with this type of friendship because it's being kept separate from you. I imagine her boyfriend still doesn't know about this? How often are they hanging out, and who is initiating the contact?

 

Your boyfriend needs to set some boundaries here. Having female friends is one thing. Being friends with an ex is one thing, if enough time has passed since the end of the relationship (in my opinion) Hanging out one-on-one with a relatively recent sexual partner who is clearly not an honest person is quite another.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I don't think so.

 

My ex did this, but then got angry when my former FWB even acknowledged me in passing.

 

He also CONFIDED in that girl, and told her when we were having problems in our relationship! Big no no. He also apparently told her that I was a bitch at one time (though I don't know if she only said this to make me angry)

 

She tried to break us up several times. I told him please delete her off Facebook. She also would text him all the time, sometimes in the middle of the night.

 

One time, while she was with her new fiancé while we were at the same bar, she tried to get my ex to dance with her and "meet up". Keep in mind she was standing next to her fiancé while sending my ex messages. Sure enough, after we broke up they started talking again. I threatened to tell her fiancé what she was doing and she went off on me.

 

I don't think you're overreacting at all. Take it from me when I say these girls sometimes don't like seeing their FWBs in relationships and get extremely jealous.

 

If it's someone from their past with whom they had solely a sexual relationship, why keep in touch?

 

Very sore subject for me, lol.

[No Limit]

For me it would be a red flag. Sorry, but unless there were emotions involved - which is more than just FWB - they have no reason to even be in touch.

... Except maybe to plan more hookups.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Do they hang out on your time?

 

 

How much time do they spend together compared to his other friends both female & male?

 

 

Why would you date an OM?

[Lois_Griffin]

I've never done the FWB thing with anyone. Can't be bothered.

 

However, I would have been dumped flat on my ass if I were chatting, texting, SnapChatting, and occasionally meeting up with an old flame that I used to have sex with for drinks and dinner occasionally.

 

I don't think there's a man I've EVER known that would happily accepted me doing something like that. So why should you accept this disrespectful crap from your boyfriend? Cause I can pretty much guarantee you that if the shoe were on the other foot and YOU were staying in contact with an ex and meeting him for dinner, your boyfriend would have PLENTY to say about it.

[central]

You should ask to meet her. And do you know if your bf has good boundaries if she ever makes a move on him?

 

I am good friends with a couple of former relationships and a former long term FWB. I go out with them alone occasionally. My wife has met them - has even invited them over to the house numerous times. She has a male friend or two who are former lovers as well. The key is that we both have good boundaries and clear expectations. Our friends do as well, and respect our relationship - if they did not, they would be out of our lives.

[deadelvis]

There's a really long thread about my similar situation in the General Relationship Questions section. It's called "How much information about your sexual history should you share with your SO"

This topic was discussed in much detail over about 250 posts. Lots of different viewpoints. My situation is pretty much identical to yours except I'm a male and my GF has numerous former-FWB's who she still hangs out with, texts etc. It nearly destroyed our relationship. She felt I was being controlling and I thought it was inappropriate to have those people in her life. The biggest issue ended up being her not wanting to tell me which of her friends she had a sexual history with. I feel that if you aren't willing to let go of former-FWBs you should at least volunteer which friends you used to hookup with. She feels its none of my business. We came within inches of breaking up over it. Now we keep our personal lives totally private. I trust her to be loyal but I know she hangs out with a lot of former FWB's. I don't even want to know what they talk about or what goes on when I'm not around. She say's she's faithful and I trust her but I imagine if I was a "fly on the wall" I'd be really upset by their conversations and general demeanor. Check out that thread if you have some time and maybe it will give you an idea of just how bad things can get.

[minime13]

He's living a double life with this girl, whether he's cheating or not.

 

And yes, the girl is being shady. She cancels when she's supposed to meet you because she doesn't want to know that you exist in the flesh.

 

They don't need to have that kind of relationship when he's involved with another person. That's tantamount to dating (talking, texing, snapchats, dinners). He wouldn't be okay with you dating someone else, so why should you be okay with it?

 

As far as how to handle it? Good question. I think that you need to let him know how important it is for the two of you (his fwb and yourself) get to know each other, since all you know is that she is someone he used to hook up with all the time, and who he currently still has in his life. Were they friends before this? How long have they known each other? If they were no friends prior, and were only fwb since they've known each other, then he needs to eventually cut her out. No good will come of that. Don't give any ultimatums, though, but just let him know how you feel about the whole situation.

 

If anything, he doesn't need to hang out with her one-on-one anymore without you meeting her.

[smackie9]

Not appropriate! The dynamics of a male/female friendship should change when you are in a relationship....it's just commonsense. It doesn't matter if nothing is going on between them, he should respectfully stop "hanging out" with her one on one. It's just one of those steps you take to adjust to having someone in your life. Most people just move on, when there is no purpose to being friends with them

[deadelvis]

Just to play devil's advocate here... regardless of her intentions (she's not your boyfriend, her intentions aren't really the issue here, I'm sure plenty of woman are interested in your boyfriend, that's just part of life)

What if he really does just value her friendship and doesn't see her as anything but a friend? What if his intentions are purely honorable and he doesn't like you trying to control him or tell him who he can be friends with? Just posing the opposite viewpoint, the same viewpoint everyone threw at me when I was in this situation. But now suddenly he's the badguy because the gender roles are reversed? Hypocrisy.

[pteromom]

What if he really does just value her friendship and doesn't see her as anything but a friend? What if his intentions are purely honorable and he doesn't like you trying to control him or tell him who he can be friends with?

 

If his intentions are honorable, he should be encouraging his friend to meet his girlfriend. He should be bringing his girlfriend along to movies and dinner - not all the time, but ONCE in a while. He should be inviting his friend to dinner parties at their home. He should be encouraging his friend and girlfriend to be Facebook/Instagram friends. If this friend is important to him, he should go out of his way to make his gf comfortable with his friendship.

 

Nobody wants to be controlled, or for their SO to dictate their friendships... at the same time, when you are in a relationship, you have to consider the other person's feelings.

[aloneinaz]

I'm a guy and I don't think I'd appreciate my GF hanging out or going out to dinner with a previous FWB.. My GF does hike occasionally with a male co-worker who's married and very ugly so I don't view that as a concern.

 

 

I'd find it very odd that you've never met this "good friend" after 8 months. I'm also surprised this hasn't been talked about or addressed in 8 months. Most people wouldn't like this. The guys focus should be on you and your relationship. There's nothing wrong with having female friends but I'd draw the line w/my GF hanging out w/a recent ex or recent FWB.

[deadelvis]

If his intentions are honorable, he should be encouraging his friend to meet his girlfriend. He should be bringing his girlfriend along to movies and dinner - not all the time, but ONCE in a while. He should be inviting his friend to dinner parties at their home. He should be encouraging his friend and girlfriend to be Facebook/Instagram friends. If this friend is important to him, he should go out of his way to make his gf comfortable with his friendship.

 

Nobody wants to be controlled, or for their SO to dictate their friendships... at the same time, when you are in a relationship, you have to consider the other person's feelings.

 

Again to play the devil's advocate here... What if he already thinks his girlfriend is being controlling and doesn't want to create a potentially awkward moment or cause tension in the relationship by introducing them. After all, who he is friends with is none of her business. Right? Just because his girlfriend has trust issues doesn't mean he needs to introduce her to his friend. If anything her trust issues are a reason for him not to introduce her. Just saying... if it's good for the goose...

[pteromom]

Again to play the devil's advocate here... What if he already thinks his girlfriend is being controlling and doesn't want to create a potentially awkward moment or cause tension in the relationship by introducing them. After all, who he is friends with is none of her business. Right? Just because his girlfriend has trust issues doesn't mean he needs to introduce her to his friend. If anything her trust issues are a reason for him not to introduce her. Just saying... if it's good for the goose...

 

Only in a very toxic relationship.

 

In a healthy relationship, both partners want the best for each other. And if one is insecure, the other wants to make that insecurity go away - not make it worse.

 

Now, there are people who take it to a ridiculous level - monitoring email, being controlling, dictating their friendships and activities. But OP doesn't seem like one of those people. She has enough red flags in this situation to have legitimate concerns.

 

- BF and FFWB only stopped the B because GF came along

- FFWB cheated on her boyfriend

- FFWB is breaking up with her boyfriend now

- BF has never invited GF to join he and FFWB so they can meet - in 8 months!

- BF keeps the 2 women completely separate

 

There is being insecure, and then there is listening to your gut. And I have a feeling the 2nd is the case for OP.

 

And stop with the goose/gander stuff. The gender doesn't matter. It is about each specific situation.

[deadelvis]

This is literally the exact same situation I was in and everyone told me I was being insecure, controlling and had trust issues. I fail to see the difference. If anything my girlfriends behavior was much more suspect than the boyfriend in this thread, but yet he is presumed guilty while my girlfriend was presumed innocent by the LS jury.

[minime13]

Again to play the devil's advocate here... What if he already thinks his girlfriend is being controlling and doesn't want to create a potentially awkward moment or cause tension in the relationship by introducing them. After all, who he is friends with is none of her business. Right? Just because his girlfriend has trust issues doesn't mean he needs to introduce her to his friend. If anything her trust issues are a reason for him not to introduce her. Just saying... if it's good for the goose...

 

They already had plans to meet up, and the FWB girl cancelled last minute. And, depending on how serious their relationship is, who he is friends with is her business. Once you go exclusive, friends of the opposite sex are always your business. Some are completely benign, while others are worthy of question.

 

I don't think he's got any ulterior motives, but believe the FWB does. The difference in this and your situation is that women that attach themselves this much to a guy who is attached always have ulterior motives. Men - not always. Women who have cheated on their boyfriends who get this cozy with another man are definitely worth questioning.

 

Your situation, while similar, is slightly different. Trust is a key, and the OP doesn't trust the FWB.

[deadelvis]

They already had plans to meet up, and the FWB girl cancelled last minute. And, depending on how serious their relationship is, who he is friends with is her business. Once you go exclusive, friends of the opposite sex are always your business. Some are completely benign, while others are worthy of question.

 

This is the opposite of what everyone was telling me last week.

 

I don't think he's got any ulterior motives, but believe the FWB does.

 

I also trust my SO, but I do not trust the motives of her male friends, especially because of how attractive she is, and their history.

 

The difference in this and your situation is that women that attach themselves this much to a guy who is attached always have ulterior motives. Men - not always.

 

You have to be kidding me here. Women are in my experience much more capable of seeing an attractive man as "just a friend" while men rarely have an attractive female friend for the sake of "friendship".

 

Women who have cheated on their boyfriends who get this cozy with another man are definitely worth questioning.

 

Your situation, while similar, is slightly different. Trust is a key, and the OP doesn't trust the FWB.

 

I see a huge double standard emerging in this thread.

[minime13]

I see a huge double standard emerging in this thread.

 

Women without motives can do that, women with motives (and this girl has them) cannot.

 

I thought your main issue with your girlfriend was her sexual history period? It seems like you've put a lot of focus in # of sexual partners (at least in a couple of threads) than who she's friends with.

 

To me, that's the big difference. To me, you seemed to have different concerns, and perhaps other saw that as well. Maybe you didn't, but that's how I read it.

 

Each situation is different. This one is not exactly like yours, IMO.

[minime13]

I see a huge double standard emerging in this thread.

 

This should ease your fears about any gender-based double standard on this board:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/530880-bf-jealous-my-best-guy-friend-i

[deadelvis]

Women without motives can do that, women with motives (and this girl has them) cannot.

 

I thought your main issue with your girlfriend was her sexual history period? It seems like you've put a lot of focus in # of sexual partners (at least in a couple of threads) than who she's friends with.

 

To me, that's the big difference. To me, you seemed to have different concerns, and perhaps other saw that as well. Maybe you didn't, but that's how I read it.

 

Each situation is different. This one is not exactly like yours, IMO.

 

There's been no proof that this girl as alterior motives.

My concern is the exact same as OP. My SO hangs out with her former FWB's who I am certain have alterior motives. Certain meaning I've seen the texts they send her. I never cared about my SO's # of partners, assuming she's being honest that is. We have the same number. (assuming honesty) My concern about her number was wether or not she was lying to me about it.

[deadelvis]

This should ease your fears about any gender-based double standard on this board:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/530880-bf-jealous-my-best-guy-friend-i

 

 

I read that thread. And she's totally hiding stuff from her BF. Not very cool.

 

As for double standards, the girl in that other thread is clearly pulling bull****, yet half the replies are telling her it's his fault for being jealous and possessive.

Edited June 9, 2015 by deadelvis

[Spectre]

It's not overreacting, if you are in a relationship you have no business hanging around with someone you used to screw.

 

Women without motives can do that, women with motives (and this girl has them) cannot.

 

Wait, huh? Women without motives can hang around with guys they used to screw? That doesn't make any sense. The very fact a woman in a relationship would want to hang out with a guy she used to screw is suspect enough, you don't need a motive IMO. If a woman cared about her boyfriend she'd never even put him in that position.

 

I read that thread. And she's totally hiding stuff from her BF. Not very cool.

 

As for double standards, the girl in that other thread is clearly pulling bull****, yet half the replies are telling her it's his fault for being jealous and possessive.

 

Yeah I have to agree, as someone who was a participant in that thread it is not the best to showcase a non-double standard. It tends to happen for some reason, and yet you usually only hear people complaining about double standards against women here. We recently had another thread where some people bashed the guy, but didn't bash the girl involved in the situation who was committing the same misdeeds the guy was.

Edited June 9, 2015 by Spectre

[minime13]

It's not overreacting, if you are in a relationship you have no business hanging around with someone you used to screw.

 

 

 

Wait, huh? Women without motives can hang around with guys they used to screw? That doesn't make any sense. The very fact a woman in a relationship would want to hang out with a guy she used to screw is suspect enough, you don't need a motive IMO. If a woman cared about her boyfriend she'd never even put him in that position.

 

Not necessarily. If it bothers one person in a relationship, the other person should be sensitive to it, as long as it is a reasonable issue.

 

For me, personally, I'd be more wary of the FWB than an old relationship, if they were clearly over the romantic aspect of the relationship. Also, I've personally dealt with "the woman friend" who seems a little too close and is hesitant to meet me, so maybe this instance is more personal for me. Can't speak for others, but the description of the girl here throws a big red flag, for me.