Am I obsessive or overreacting that my boyfriend hangs out with a former FWB?

[deadelvis]

Yeah it seems like the majority of users on here are women and most of them are quick to point the finger at a guy for being insecure or controlling, yet when the tables are turned and it's a woman having doubts about her boyfriends female friends, he's immediately guilty without any evidence. I got slammed in a thread last week for being controlling, possessive and having trust issues because I didn't feel comfortable with my GF hanging out with her former FWB's alone and further more, my GF refuses to even tell me which friends of hers were in fact FWB's. But now in this thread it's the boyfriends fault for hanging out with his former FWB. What a load of hypocrisy and gender based bias.

[Spectre]

Not necessarily. If it bothers one person in a relationship, the other person should be sensitive to it, as long as it is a reasonable issue.

 

For me, personally, I'd be more wary of the FWB than an old relationship, if they were clearly over the romantic aspect of the relationship. Also, I've personally dealt with "the woman friend" who seems a little too close and is hesitant to meet me, so maybe this instance is more personal for me. Can't speak for others, but the description of the girl here throws a big red flag, for me.

 

But I think just the fact they screwed this person in the past is reason enough to take issue with it. If I'm with a girl and her being friends with a dude she used to sleep with(for whatever reason) is so important to her she is willing to play with fire when it comes to our relationship..that isn't really a girl worth being with in the first place. If some other dude is more important then me and he's not your child or related to you then I'd just be asking why we were even together in the first place if I don't even rate above "people you used to screw".

 

I also would be more worried about a FWB. Probably not for the same reasons as you though. For me I wouldn't want to be with someone who gives it up to their friggin friends.

 

Anyways, as to dealing with old relationships..you mention being over the romantic aspect. If so, I see no reason for them to converse then. Not unless they have a child together.

Edited June 9, 2015 by Spectre

[minime13]

But I think just the fact they screwed this person in the past is reason enough to take issue with it. If I'm with a girl and her being friends with a dude she used to sleep with(for whatever reason) is so important to her she is willing to play with fire when it comes to our relationship..that isn't really a girl worth being with in the first place. If some other dude is more important then me and he's not your child or related to you then I'd just be asking why we were even together in the first place if I don't even rate above "people you used to screw".

 

I also would be more worried about a FWB. Probably not for the same reasons as you though. For me I wouldn't want to be with someone who gives it up to their friggin friends.

 

Anyways, as to dealing with old relationships..you mention being over the romantic aspect. If so, I see no reason for them to converse then. Not unless they have a child together.

I see what you're saying. What I look at is, in terms of former relationships, what the background is. Were they friends first, and decided to date but it didn't work out? That's something I can understand and, as long as everyone gets to know each other, and it is just a continuance of a former friendship that was the better choice than dating, I don't see a problem. If it was someone that they met specifically because they were interested in dating them, then I don't get the friendship angle. There's reasons to keep those people as friends, and none of them are innocent.

 

FWBs? No.

[Spectre]

For me, I think that is the risk you take when you decide to get involved with a good friend. You can't expect your next relationship to be okay with you still being all friendly with this person.

 

Now as you said..sometimes people can be okay with it and that is fine and I take no issue with that. What I'd only take issue with is if someone expected there would have to be NO change whatsoever in their relationship with this former lover once a new lover comes along. That just isn't a realistic approach to relationships and if a person lacks that..I see that in itself as a red flag.

 

I guess what I'm saying is I'd expect someone to be thrilled if their partner is okay with them being friends with an ex, but I'd also expect them to not get pissy if their partner isn't okay with it.

[minime13]

For me, I think that is the risk you take when you decide to get involved with a good friend. You can't expect your next relationship to be okay with you still being all friendly with this person.

 

Now as you said..sometimes people can be okay with it and that is fine and I take no issue with that. What I'd only take issue with is if someone expected there would have to be NO change whatsoever in their relationship with this former lover once a new lover comes along. That just isn't a realistic approach to relationships and if a person lacks that..I see that in itself as a red flag.

 

I guess what I'm saying is I'd expect someone to be thrilled if their partner is okay with them being friends with an ex, but I'd also expect them to not get pissy if their partner isn't okay with it.

Sure. There always needs to be a boundary set - with any friend of the opposite sex, really. I don't think anyone would be 100% unmoved by friends/former lovers of the opposite sex.

[deadelvis]

Where was this logic when I was getting bent over I my thread last week. I agree completely. But last week I was a controlling ******* for having that opinion. And I never told her not to hang out with them. I just wanted to know which ones she's screwed

Edited June 10, 2015 by deadelvis

[Spectre]

Where was this logic when I was getting bent over I my thread last week. I agree completely. But last week I was a controlling ******* for having that opinion. And I never told her not to hang out with them. I just wanted to know which ones she's screwed

 

Just to be clear: you have a girlfriend who has boned one or more of her friends..friends I assume she still hangs out with, and she refuses to tell you which ones she screwed?

 

Why is this person even your girlfriend anymore after that? Or did you indeed dump her? If you are still with her tell her she either tells you or you dump her.

[deadelvis]

We're still together. I told her I won't ask anymore questions about who she's had sex with and she can hang out with whoever she wants and doesn't have to tell me. Thanks for the advice LS....

[smackie9]

Whoa whoa whoa, lets get back to the OP. Everyone obviously has a differnt idea what is acceptable and what isn't, whatever. It's not right or wrong it's all depends on that person's perspective to their own situation.

 

OP if you are not comfortable about it, then just talk to him about it. having an open honest conversation should either clear the air because you both came up with a good compromise, or it shows you two are two different people when it comes to these types of friendships.

[Spectre]

We're still together. I told her I won't ask anymore questions about who she's had sex with and she can hang out with whoever she wants and doesn't have to tell me. Thanks for the advice LS....

 

But I don't get it, why would you let her treat you like this?

[deadelvis]

But I don't get it, why would you let her treat you like this?

 

Well, I'm perceptive enough that I think I would know if she started seeing someone else. So far she's been faithful. If she cheats or starts doing me dirty behind my back it will be pretty obvious, at which point I'll just leave. We really love each other so it's worth trusting her until I have reason not to. We either break up now and move on or give her the benefit of the doubt and risk breaking up later. It's a risk I'm willing to take. If we break up later thats no different than ending it now. Same outcome

[Spectre]

Well, I'm perceptive enough that I think I would know if she started seeing someone else. So far she's been faithful. If she cheats or starts doing me dirty behind my back it will be pretty obvious, at which point I'll just leave. We really love each other so it's worth trusting her until I have reason not to. We either break up now and move on or give her the benefit of the doubt and risk breaking up later. It's a risk I'm willing to take. If we break up later thats no different than ending it now. Same outcome

 

But if she loved you wouldn't she of told you which of the guys she is currently hanging around with she has slept with?

 

I'm going to be blunt: how will it be obvious to you she is cheating if you feel this is normal behavior for a girl to act this way with a guy she "loves" ?

[nadine5]

They text, snapchat, and even get dinner together. To be clear, I do NOT mind my boyfriend having female friends even if they are an ex. But this situation/friendship makes me extremely uncomfortable.

First off, when they were having there little fwb relationship, she was cheating on her boyfriend! They even live together. So this relationship was obviously a secret. The only reason they stopped was because I came along. We've been dating for 8 months and I still haven't met her, yet she'll text him to hang out/get dinner. I almost met her for dinner with my boyfriend but she cancelled last minute. I thought that was so shady. Was it because she didn't want to meet me or maybe im reading too much into it.

He insists they're just friends but it still bothers me. I don't even know her but i cannot help but judge her as a cheater and someone i would never trust as a person. I want to trust my bf so bad but it's so hard when I know of their past history and i haven't even met her.

I just found out she plans on moving out from her boyfriends place and getting her own place the end of this month. I have these crazy thoughts they'll not only go out to hang out but that he'll go over her place when I'm not around.

I know I've been a bit obsessive over this but I just don't know what to do. It bothers me so much. Any advice or thoughts?

 

 

I was in this exact same situation a year ago.

 

Here's my advice...ready?

 

RUN.

 

RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND DON'T LOOK BACK.