Walking Away The Only Choice?

[katiegrl]

RR, I respect your opinion... ...but if I understand you correctly, you are advocating NOT communicating with each other?

 

Even if one or both is confused or concerned about where they stand with each other and what the other is looking for?

 

According to fitnessfan, this guy WANTS exclusivity with Kat but because SHE didn't bring it up for discussion, he went on line, reactivated his profile and uploaded pics. Instead of communicating with her about his concern.

 

If fitnessfan IS right (which I don't believe he is)...then this guy blew it...because again had he communicated with Kat instead of searching for a back up plan on line, they would be exclusive right now instead of god only knows what because Kat has not updated.

 

If I had to take a guess it's probably over.

 

How does a couple grow closer if they don't communicate with each other? I don't understand that.

 

It is not like they only had a handful of dates. Read post 83 again. They *were* growing closer, things "were" progressing.

 

I think THAT is perhaps what "wierded" him out. The fact things WERE progressing. As Kat said, lots of I miss you's (mostly from him)...sleepovers, weekend getaway. Many men (commitmentphobes) get *weirded out* (his words) when things start getting too close....so they start seeking out other chicks as a way to emotionally distance themselves.

 

Oh I dunno...we're all just speculating. I wish Kat would update!

Edited June 10, 2015 by katiegrl

[fitnessfan365]

And fitnessfan, you can't compare your situation with Ms. Executive to KatZee's situation.

 

You had two maybe three casual dates with her, tops. KatZee has been consistently dating this man for a month, sharing many great dates together, lots of texting, lots of I miss you's, planning a weekend getaway...he had no reason to even suspect she would bail!

 

It was four actually. But my point was that she had such high enthusiasm and the way she always referenced the future didnt make it feel casual. She genuinely seemed interested in seeing where things went. She did all the same "I miss you", etc that you're talking about. So that's why her disappearing act shocked me. I mean I'm about as big of a realist as they come and even a bit cynical in dating. But she was the first woman in awhile to win me over and make me let my guard down.

 

Once again though "back up plan" didn't mean "back up girl" in the context I posted in. I think he just had his profile up and kept it current in case Kat changed her mind. After all, they'd been dating a month and weren't exclusive yet. So it's not like there one year anniversary was coming up. These days it's natural for people to have their guard up that early on regardless of how well it's going. I mean just because Kat dates one at a time, doesn't mean that many women don't multi-date or keep their options right? So if she had told the guy from the get go she was a singular dater, it probably would have been a different story.

[J21]

To be fair, are u guys exclusive and had the defining the relationship talk?

 

Is he to just suppose to put all his eggs in one basket with the basis of an assumption? (Which can be incorrect if u change ur mind )

 

If not, then i dont think he needs to take down his profile.

[fitnessfan365]

To be fair, are u guys exclusive and had the defining the relationship talk?

 

Is he to just suppose to put all his eggs in one basket with the basis of an assumption? (Which can be incorrect if u change ur mind )

 

If not, then i dont think he needs to take down his profile.

 

Thank you! That's what I've been saying.

 

But just to add, a month isn't that long before having "the talk". Sometimes you keep your desire for exclusivity hidden until you've had more time to feel the other person out. I think it was building towards there with the trip, sex, etc..

 

However what happens if you bring up being exclusive too early? The other person loses interest and pushes you away for being more invested then they are. Once again, a month is not that long.

[RedRobin]

So, you discovered that you aren't a multi dater.

 

That's great. Now don't waste anymore time with guys who are.

 

When I meet a guy from OLD, I make it clear that I prefer to focus on one guy at a time... That I don't agree to meet very many men. Then I wait to see what he does with that info.

 

If I get the sense he is seeing other women while getting to know me, then out he goes. I don't believe multi dating leads to emotional intimacy. For me, it is for people who are indecisive and/or not serious about meeting someone, or needs backup plans to soothe their ego.

 

No need to get pissed. You weeded him out before taking that trip. Consider yourself fortunate. Another OLD sweet talker thrown back in the pond. Good riddance.

[Keenly]

Consider yourself fortunate. Another OLD sweet talker thrown back in the pond. Good riddance.

 

 

 

That's quite the open heart you have there. Kind of judging a guy based on a misunderstanding too.

She never told him she wasn't okay with it. She never talked about exclusivity.

[JJCaliGirl]

If I get the sense he is seeing other women while getting to know me, then out he goes. I don't believe multi dating leads to emotional intimacy. For me, it is for people who are indecisive and/or not serious about meeting someone, or needs backup plans to soothe their ego.

 

I agree with on this and it's perhaps what I was looking for in my previous post about my experience. How can a guy put his attention on just you when he's seeing others as well. And would his spilt attention ultimately lead to things not being exclusive because he's not fully invested even in an non or pre exclusive phase.

 

Again, not turning this to me but this is helping me with some of my questions and I think I just need to ask him if he's actively dating others. And I need to set it straight that I'm not and I expect that he shouldn't either because I'm committed without the label.

 

And from it sounds like, Kat needs to do this as well otherwise she may get hurt sooner or later. I mean if that's what she wants or even needs.

[RedRobin]

That's quite the open heart you have there. Kind of judging a guy based on a misunderstanding too.

She never told him she wasn't okay with it. She never talked about exclusivity.

There was no misunderstanding. When she told him she knew his profile was still up, he basically gave her the equivalent of 'yea, so what?'

 

He acted like a guy who was likely stringing as many women along as possible. It didn't work for him this time. Aw shucks. Next time, maybe he will have the cahones not to go digging for backups while he pretends to be into someone. *shrug*

 

I give her a big high five for bringing it up and putting things on the table in advance of this trip and not assuming he was really that into her... Unlike a lot of women who just go along with it and cross their fingers. I guess THAT was what he was counting on. Oh, and another poster made a very good observation... What about the other women he was talking to or meeting during this time? He's putting on a great show for Katzee while putting on the same show for who knows how many other women at the same time...

 

As for the stupid 'exclusivity' talk... It is up to the person doing the slutting around to make themselves clear... Not the person who is dating in good faith. It's not like having that talk means anything anyway. Either the person is the kind of person who needs to juggle options constantly, or they aren't. Best to weed out the jugglers ASAP. Which she did. Good for her.

[Timshel]

Agree with RedRobin. I may be out of my element because I don't do OLD but I think the end result is the same. Either you're on the same page or not. OLD seems to make things very complicated and every action/inaction dissected.

If two people meet and 'click' with each other, all this rigamarole ceases to exist.

Really, never used OLD and I'm fine....peaceful actually.

[katiegrl]

So, you discovered that you aren't a multi dater.

 

That's great. Now don't waste anymore time with guys who are.

 

When I meet a guy from OLD, I make it clear that I prefer to focus on one guy at a time... That I don't agree to meet very many men. Then I wait to see what he does with that info.

 

If I get the sense he is seeing other women while getting to know me, then out he goes. I don't believe multi dating leads to emotional intimacy. For me, it is for people who are indecisive and/or not serious about meeting someone, or needs backup plans to soothe their ego.

 

No need to get pissed. You weeded him out before taking that trip. Consider yourself fortunate. Another OLD sweet talker thrown back in the pond. Good riddance.

 

 

I agree and actually, THAT is what my boyfriend asked ME when we first started dating. If *I* was a multi-dater! I told him no I date "one at a time." He responded so does HE, which is why he asked.

 

 

Both he and I agree with your assessment that multi-dating does NOT lead to emotionally intimacy.

 

 

But everyone is different I suppose...to each his own.

 

 

Yeah Kat should move on and find a man who thinks like she does. Two people with two different dating styles is not gonna work....imo.

[RedRobin]

I agree with on this and it's perhaps what I was looking for in my previous post about my experience. How can a guy put his attention on just you when he's seeing others as well. And would his spilt attention ultimately lead to things not being exclusive because he's not fully invested even in an non or pre exclusive phase.

 

Again, not turning this to me but this is helping me with some of my questions and I think I just need to ask him if he's actively dating others. And I need to set it straight that I'm not and I expect that he shouldn't either because I'm committed without the label.

 

And from it sounds like, Kat needs to do this as well otherwise she may get hurt sooner or later. I mean if that's what she wants or even needs.

 

What I tell people is that agreeing to get to know one person at a time isn't a life time commitment, nor does it mean I am in love with them, or even 'committed' ...At all. It means that I want to give a potential relationship the best possible chance from day one. I have enough respect for them and their time to give them that... And I expect the same in return.

 

People who are serious about finding a relationship have no reason to feel ashamed or shy about that. They just need to find people who share their values. It can be done!

 

I think Kat did a pretty good job overall. Perhaps in the future she should tell guys when she meets them that she isn't into multi dating, then see what happens... As it is, I think it worked out for the best.

[Keenly]

Alright then I have a question for the 3 or 3 of you.

 

Let's say there is a handsome funny guy. He's been on OLD for about 9 months. Pretty uneventful 9 months. It's been 7 months since he's even really gone on a date with anyone.

 

In the same week on tuesday he gets two messages from women ( yeah right) and he agreed to meet one girl on a Friday and the other the following Wednesday.

 

 

So, if after the date ( it's actually a meeting, first meet is never a date) on Friday, if he doesn't immediately cancel

his date for the next week, you next him?

 

So he is just supposed to drop his entire dating social life after meeting you once? Even if it's been months, or even years since he's been on any dates at all?

 

 

I think that's unrealistic, and expecting commitment from some one you don't even know.

[katiegrl]

Alright then I have a question for the 3 or 3 of you.

 

Let's say there is a handsome funny guy. He's been on OLD for about 9 months. Pretty uneventful 9 months. It's been 7 months since he's even really gone on a date with anyone.

 

In the same week on tuesday he gets two messages from women ( yeah right) and he agreed to meet one girl on a Friday and the other the following Wednesday.

 

 

So, if after the date ( it's actually a meeting, first meet is never a date) on Friday, if he doesn't immediately cancel

his date for the next week, you next him?

 

So he is just supposed to drop his entire dating social life after meeting you once? Even if it's been months, or even years since he's been on any dates at all?

 

 

I think that's unrealistic, and expecting commitment from some one you don't even know.

 

 

People like RR and myself (and perhaps Timshel) ONLY get involved with men when there is a genuine connection from DATE ONE. It has happened to me that way THREE times and all three lead to a long term committed RL, including my current.

 

 

If there is NOT that immediate MUTUAL click and connection, then I don't date them anymore. Like I said, it has happened three times and all three lead to long term committed relationships.

 

 

So to answer your question, if you went out with girl no. 1 and there "was" that MUTUAL click/chemistry/connection between you (and trust me when it's there you WILL know it!)...then no why would you even WANT to meet the second chick?

 

 

It's is so very rare when two people feel that type of immediate chemistry, so why confuse things by bringing another woman into the equation?

[JJCaliGirl]

I wouldn't cancel but let's say that meet turns into 2 weeks of dates and even sex, I would hope that he would care to explore what he has with just me instead of keeping his profile open and active.

[Keenly]

I wouldn't cancel but let's say that meet turns into 2 weeks of dates and even sex, I would hope that he would care to explore what he has with just me instead of keeping his profile open and active.

 

That's a different scenario than the hard and fast rules recently posted. That's definitely how I would go about it.

 

 

But I'm sensing.some people expect others to be solely devoted after a drink or coffee meeting.

[katiegrl]

That's a different scenario than the hard and fast rules recently posted. That's definitely how I would go about it.

 

 

But I'm sensing.some people expect others to be solely devoted after a drink or coffee meeting.

 

Well I take it you have NEVER experienced meeting a woman where there WAS that mutual connection/chemistry between you on date one. That goes far deeper than merely physical attraction.

 

 

Like I said it's very rare when it happens, and until you experience it for yourself, you won't understand the concept of dating "one at a time."

[toscaroscura]

Alright then I have a question for the 3 or 3 of you.

 

Let's say there is a handsome funny guy. He's been on OLD for about 9 months. Pretty uneventful 9 months. It's been 7 months since he's even really gone on a date with anyone.

 

In the same week on tuesday he gets two messages from women ( yeah right) and he agreed to meet one girl on a Friday and the other the following Wednesday.

 

 

So, if after the date ( it's actually a meeting, first meet is never a date) on Friday, if he doesn't immediately cancel

his date for the next week, you next him?

 

So he is just supposed to drop his entire dating social life after meeting you once? Even if it's been months, or even years since he's been on any dates at all?

 

 

I think that's unrealistic, and expecting commitment from some one you don't even know.

 

I was actually in this situation. What happened was, I went on two dates with each of them, but after the connection started deepening with one, I let the other one know. He was cool about it, and he was a great guy but the other one and I connected better.

 

Keep in mind that I was, with neither of them, doing the sort of intense courtship KatZee describes in her OP. It wasn't like I was texting/calling both of them all the time, telling them I missed them, making out with both etc. I could see it starting to happen with the one, which is why I didn't feel right seeing the other and told him. Because I am a one-man kind of woman, this multi-dating phase never lasted more than 2 dates, ideally no more than 1. That's just me.

 

Hers is a different situation. They were dating a month. Things were more involved. There was talk of progression.

 

Another thing: I was always up front when I dated more than one man. My date didn't have to find out I've been trolling the site again behind his back.

[Keenly]

Well I take it you have NEVER experienced meeting a woman where there WAS that mutual connection/chemistry between you on date one. That goes far deeper than merely physical attraction.

 

 

Like I said it's very rare when it happens, and until you experience it for yourself, you won't understand the concept of dating "one at a time."

 

 

 

I've never experienced a mutual first meeting connection. It was always horribly lopsided.

 

All of my connections took at least a couple of months to develop and become strong.

[katiegrl]

I've never experienced a mutual first meeting connection. It was always horribly lopsided.

 

All of my connections took at least a couple of months to develop and become strong.

 

 

Fair enough. Like I said, everyone is different.

 

 

I suspect one day you WILL experience it though...and when you do, you will understand what the hell I am talking about! LOL

[toscaroscura]

What I tell people is that agreeing to get to know one person at a time isn't a life time commitment, nor does it mean I am in love with them, or even 'committed' ...At all. It means that I want to give a potential relationship the best possible chance from day one. I have enough respect for them and their time to give them that... And I expect the same in return.

 

People who are serious about finding a relationship have no reason to feel ashamed or shy about that. They just need to find people who share their values. It can be done!

 

I think Kat did a pretty good job overall. Perhaps in the future she should tell guys when she meets them that she isn't into multi dating, then see what happens... As it is, I think it worked out for the best.

 

YES! Hardcore Multi-daters think very black and white, that focusing on one person is tantamount to wanting a ring or something. It's not like that at all! It's not even a "commitment" per se, it's giving time and energy into something to give it a chance. The second it's not working, either party can walk. And, if you need to multi-date indefinitely, then just do that. But I don't want to date you!

[Keenly]

Fair enough. Like I said, everyone is different.

 

 

I suspect one day you WILL experience it though...and when you do, you will understand what the hell I am talking about! LOL

 

I know this sounds weird but honestly I hope I don't. When I like a girl I get pretty vulnerable, and I'm not open to getting hurt again.

 

Hope she brought a trebuchet to the 2nd date because my walls are high and the castle of my heart is well defended due to successful sieges of the past.

[Timshel]

Fair enough. Like I said, everyone is different.

 

 

I suspect one day you WILL experience it though...and when you do, you will understand what the hell I am talking about! LOL

 

Right.....but inexplicable to a person who has not yet had this experience. Worse case scenario is to meet such a person when already involved. That's why the waiting is so important. If you must, have fun and hold out, wait.

[katiegrl]

YES! Hardcore Multi-daters think very black and white, that focusing on one person is tantamount to wanting a ring or something. It's not like that at all! It's not even a "commitment" per se, it's giving time and energy into something to give it a chance. The second it's not working, either party can walk. And, if you need to multi-date indefinitely, then just do that. But I don't want to date you!

 

 

Yeah, I think it was fitnessfan actually who met a chick who was a "single dater" and he accused her (to us) of wanting an immediate commitment!

 

 

It's NOT that way at all! As explained.

[Timshel]

I know this sounds weird but honestly I hope I don't. When I like a girl I get pretty vulnerable, and I'm not open to getting hurt again.

 

Hope she brought a trebuchet to the 2nd date because my walls are high and the castle of my heart is well defended due to successful sieges of the past.

 

Walls, fortress's and solid doors. So nothing for now, be patient with yourself.

You have so much to endeavor besides fair-weather love now.

She's adorable. Take your time and build yours and little one's world.

No need to worry, there's always a pillow or something.

[katiegrl]

Yeah, I think it was fitnessfan actually who met a chick who was a "single dater" and he accused her (to us) of wanting an immediate commitment!

 

 

It's NOT that way at all! As explained.

 

 

Too late to edit this...

 

 

fitnessfan, if it was not you, I apologize. I am pretty sure I recall reading a post from you about it awhile ago...but I could have the poster wrong.