TouchedByViolet Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 The guy updated his profile and put up new pictures after a month.... he is not interested in a longterm relationship at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 (edited) Gaeta, dating is a little bit like trying to get a timid rabbit to let you be close and pet it. You put down a little bit of food, step back and let them eat. You don't put down all the food you have and you don't rush at them. Do this a few times. Put down a little more food and step back but stay just a little bit closer each time. If it's the "right" rabbit, you will be able to pet it at some point ^^That's one heck of a strategy you are advovating there RH. Gaeta (and KZ) and everyone else, do what feels comfortable and natural for YOU. Kat did, and looked what happened. He understood and it brought them closer. It is always best to be *authentic* and natural. If you are angry, get angry...if you feel more comfortable employing RH's strategy (and IMO if it's not natural for you to behave that way, it IS a strategy). If you don't feel comfortable saying anything at all and letting it play out (like BOZG), then do that. Frankly, my boyfriend *loves* the fact I am a little fiery! He would have me NO other way....he has been with calm patient always rational women....they never challenged him, he became bored REAL fast... Be authentic, be genuine (even if that means getting pissed off at times- it shows spunk and passion which some men love and need).that is what attracted your man to you in the first place! Employing different strategies that may have worked for someone else may not necessarily work for you in *your* relationship.... Edited June 12, 2015 by katiegrl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 I would really like to know if this man has set a weekend date with Katzee? He's got a short turn around time here. How old is Katzee? Link to post Share on other sites
Zzyxx Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 (edited) Ah, I didn't see the update that he'd said more than ok. Hope it works out Edited June 12, 2015 by Zzyxx Did not see updated thread with more info Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 ^^That's one heck of a strategy you are advovating there RH. Gaeta (and KZ) and everyone else, do what feels comfortable and natural for YOU. Kat did, and looked what happened. He understood and it brought them closer. It is always best to be *authentic* and natural. If you are angry, get angry...if you feel more comfortable employing RH's strategy (and IMO if it's not natural for you to behave that way, it IS a strategy). If you don't feel comfortable saying anything at all and letting it play out (like BOZG), then do that. Frankly, my boyfriend *loves* the fact I am a little fiery! He would have me NO other way....he has been with calm patient always rational women....they never challenged him, he became bored REAL fast... Be authentic, be genuine (even if that means getting pissed off at times- it shows spunk and passion which some men love and need).that is what attracted your man to you in the first place! Employing different strategies that may have worked for someone else may not necessarily work for you in *your* relationship.... It's not a strategy, it's just a mindset of patience and managing expectations and not forcing things. It's human/animal nature. If you rush at it, it'll run away for sure. You create an environment of safety and trust. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 It's not a strategy, it's just a mindset of patience and managing expectations and not forcing things. It's human/animal nature. If you rush at it, it'll run away for sure. You create an environment of safety and trust. No it is not a strategy for you because behaving that way is your nature. Regardless of whether it "works" or not..or whether it's human nature or whatevs. For me, behaving that way *would* be a strategy, an un-natural strategy, because my nature is more direct and straightforward. And my direct and straightforward nature is what MY boyfriend responds to. ***Some men literally need to be boinked over the head to get things, a direct hit (so to speak).*** They might be confused by a woman treating them like a timid rabbitt....coming forward, pulling back, ugh.......my boyfriend would either be completely frustrated by that behavior or see it as manipulation and lose trust. Everyone is different, our relationships are different and both men and women respond to different things. So you be you, I will be me, and everyone else will be them...as long as we are genuine and authentic, it will be easier for us to trust each other, which is the hallmark of any good healthy relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Gaeta, dating is a little bit like trying to get a timid rabbit to let you be close and pet it. You put down a little bit of food, step back and let them eat. You don't put down all the food you have and you don't rush at them. Do this a few times. Put down a little more food and step back but stay just a little bit closer each time. If it's the "right" rabbit, you will be able to pet it at some point Men are not fragile creatures, it's kind of insulting to think of them this way. What it comes down to is whether he likes you, the second part is compatibility. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 (edited) ^^That said, though (my previous post)... I DO think it is best for a woman to wait until the man initiates the exclusive convo . In the meantime, respond positively, and take an active role in initiating dates. Show your high interest. I've said this before but I have never had the exclusive talk with any of my boyfriends cause we both just knew we were. Although in the beginning, being the natural leader as he is, and going for what he wants, HE was the one who asked me if I am a multi dater or one at a time. I responded one at a time, so was he....and it took off from there! :bunny: Edited June 12, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 At the end of the day these are arbitrary rules. Exclusivity talk won't stop a cheater, people break up all the time at different stages. It always comes down to two people wanting to be together or not and how well they mesh. The rest is noise. I think you can get caught up in an LS bubble chasing the perfect relationship where everything goes the way it's supposed to, no-one shouts, everything is resolved etc etc. doesn't exist. Whom you end up with is largely down to luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 At the end of the day these are arbitrary rules. Exclusivity talk won't stop a cheater, people break up all the time at different stages. It always comes down to two people wanting to be together or not and how well they mesh. The rest is noise. **I think you can get caught up in an LS bubble chasing the perfect relationship where everything goes the way it's supposed to, no-one shouts, everything is resolved etc etc. doesn't exist. ** Whom you end up with is largely down to luck. Asterisk above, Amen to that! Just be authentic and REAL, stop with the different strategies, and let the chips fall where they may. There is someone for everyone..and if it's meant to be, trust that it WILL be. When two people are truly right for each other, at the end of the day, there really is no wrong or right with respect to what to say or how to behave.... just be true to YOURSELF....show your true colors, whatever those colors are, and you will attract the right man and right relationship for YOU! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Men are not fragile creatures, it's kind of insulting to think of them this way. What it comes down to is whether he likes you, the second part is compatibility. I'm not saying men are fragile, and I'm sorry that it comes across that way. That analogy has nothing to do with fragility of men or women. It's just a commentary about how sometimes men and women rush things and lack of patience sometimes kills a dating scenario. It was offered as part of an "inter-thread" side thing Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 ^^That said, though (my previous post)... I DO think it is best for a woman to wait until the man initiates the exclusive convo . In the meantime, respond positively, and take an active role in initiating dates. Show your high interest. I've said this before but I have never had the exclusive talk with any of my boyfriends cause we both just knew we were. Although in the beginning, being the natural leader as he is, and going for what he wants, HE was the one who asked me if I am a multi dater or one at a time. I responded one at a time, so was he....and it took off from there! :bunny: ^^ Just wanted to clarify that the above is what "I" personally believe. On the other hand, I have a friend whose boyfriend would not commit, she got pissed off, threatened to leave permanently if he did not make up his mind SOON, then she pulled back... After a couple of weeks without her, he GOT it! Got that he loved her and didn't want to lose her, understood where she coming from and came back and put a ring on her finger! There is someone for everyone.... :) Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 I understand what RH was trying to say but I think it's good at the very beginning lets say the first 3 dates maximum 4 dates. In OP's situation it's been a month of dates, daily contacts, lots of <miss you>, short term projects to go away together. At that point I think it's beyond just putting rabbit food out. Especially when someone offers to spend a weekend away. I cannot imagine going away with a man for a weekend while he still has a profile up and visiting it every day. That's really looking for disappointment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 ^^ Just wanted to clarify that the above is what "I" personally believe. On the other hand, I have a friend whose boyfriend would not commit, she got pissed off, threatened to leave permanently if he did not make up his mind SOON, then she pulled back... After a couple of weeks without her, he GOT it! Got that he loved her and didn't want to lose her, understood where she coming from and came back and put a ring on her finger! There is someone for everyone.... :) ^^Wanted to add that she did not pull back as a some sort of strategy to "get" him to commit... She was genuinely pissed off and fed up and WAS ready to walk permanently. In fact, she was prepared to do just that! She was surprised when he came back with a ring. I am only adding this as I know some would accuse (or at least wonder) if she pulled back as a strategy....no it was not. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 I understand what RH was trying to say but I think it's good at the very beginning lets say the first 3 dates maximum 4 dates. In OP's situation it's been a month of dates, daily contacts, lots of <miss you>, short term projects to go away together. At that point I think it's beyond just putting rabbit food out. Especially when someone offers to spend a weekend away. I cannot imagine going away with a man for a weekend while he still has a profile up and visiting it every day. That's really looking for disappointment. Agree and frankly I am thinking he may be one of those guys who needs to be boinked on the head.... with a direct hit...to "get" it. Treating him like a timid rabbitt? Don't think so! Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Agree and frankly I am thinking he may be one of those guys who needs to be boinked on the head.... with a direct hit...to "get" it. Treating him like a timid rabbitt? Don't think so! It's not about "treating" him or her like a timid rabbit. It's about treating the situation and potential for a relationship, not the people involved, and being patient early on. I never mean't to imply that men or women are timid or fragile. Link to post Share on other sites
JJCaliGirl Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 I understand what RH was trying to say but I think it's good at the very beginning lets say the first 3 dates maximum 4 dates. In OP's situation it's been a month of dates, daily contacts, lots of <miss you>, short term projects to go away together. At that point I think it's beyond just putting rabbit food out. Especially when someone offers to spend a weekend away. I cannot imagine going away with a man for a weekend while he still has a profile up and visiting it every day. That's really looking for disappointment. I agree with you on this which makes my situation a little precarious since I've allowed it to be physical without there being any discussion of single dating. I guess when he said he wanted to be with me, I took it as a single dating thing while trying to figure out our situation and not him multi-dating or keeping an active profile. Now I just need to find the opportunity to tell him it's over. I like him and I don't doubt he likes me unless what he's feeding me are lines, but ultimately, he's still not sure after a month and is keeping his toes in the OLD pool while screwing me. Truly my bad. Greta, I didn't start another thread like you suggested because I've gotten some great advice through this thread. I've been living vicariously through the advice offered to Kat to help rectify what I have in my own life. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 (edited) It's not about "treating" him or her like a timid rabbit. It's about treating the situation and potential for a relationship, not the people involved, and being patient early on. I never mean't to imply that men or women are timid or fragile. Well, KZ *was* patient, did not push for exclusivity, always responded positively... things seemed to be moving along nicely...and look what happened? He went back on line and updated pics!! On the other hand, I know many women (like my friend)...who chose to be true to THEMSELVES.... and if upon discovering he was back on line, updating pics, after a month of steady consistent dating... felt HURT, pissed off, turned off...and WALKED! And the guys felt the loss, realizing he did not want to lose her, and came back with exclusivity. When a man is into a woman, there is almost nothing worse than having her be "mad" at him. Even KZ's guy was concerned about that....saying "I was hoping you were not mad at me." Ladies don't be afraid to get mad once in awhile, when warranted. As long as you are not verbally or mentally abusive, it's all good. IMO, this "managing emotions" thing sounds like you are asking us to *squelch" our emotions, which sounds very stepford wivish/robotic to me. It's just not real for many people. For you it's natural, for others not so much. As human beings, we are all vibrant and emotional, some more so than others. And as such, we should all be able to express our emotions (even anger) when expressed in a healthy way.. So get mad if you feel like it ...THAT is real....If a man is not into you, he will let you walk and won"t care if you are mad at him. In that case, next! Always always always be true to YOURSELF first! Edited June 12, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
Author KatZee Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 Yes, I agree to always be true to your emotions and feelings and don't be afraid to express those feelings to the person you are seeing. If the guy cant handle the honesty, then its obviously not the right person for you. We are getting together for lunch this afternoon and then will be seeing him either Sunday or Monday. On the phone for well over an hour last night he called me twice. I think perhaps he had no clue where I stood and THATS why the miscommunication and the profile. In any case, me opening my mouth speeded things up pretty exponentially. I never used to be vocal with guys in he past. I sat back like a timid rabbit too scared that I'd chase the guys away. And its true, the wrong guy WILL run and he'll run far and fast. But any guy who's interested won't. In my learning experience with this i will Always advocate for a woman being up front and honest and NOT just saying "fck it" and leaving with zero communication. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Yes, I agree to always be true to your emotions and feelings and don't be afraid to express those feelings to the person you are seeing. If the guy cant handle the honesty, then its obviously not the right person for you. We are getting together for lunch this afternoon and then will be seeing him either Sunday or Monday. On the phone for well over an hour last night he called me twice. I think perhaps he had no clue where I stood and THATS why the miscommunication and the profile. In any case, me opening my mouth speeded things up pretty exponentially. I never used to be vocal with guys in he past. I sat back like a timid rabbit too scared that I'd chase the guys away. And its true, the wrong guy WILL run and he'll run far and fast. But any guy who's interested won't. In my learning experience with this i will Always advocate for a woman being up front and honest and NOT just saying "fck it" and leaving with zero communication. Again, that is awesome KZ.... I am so happy he "gets" it...and note that in expressing your emotions, you displayed a bit of anger and annoyance....which many criticized you for....but at the end of the day, caused him to pipe up and listen!! Good job! And have fun this weekend! Keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
lovexocoach Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 (edited) Good luck. Hope it works out. Edited June 12, 2015 by lovexocoach Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Any updates on this Kat? Link to post Share on other sites
Appleness Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Good luck with everything KatZee! Link to post Share on other sites
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