Walking Away The Only Choice?

[Gaeta]

You are applying rules of exclusivity in a situation where there is no exclusivity.

 

Not at all. I am applying simple psychology. Uploading new pictures in a profile = want to attract new prospects.

 

Agree?

[katiegrl]

saying "i know we're nothing" but still confronting him seems passive aggressive to me. He had just asked her on a date and this is what he gets. If SHE was interested SHE could have talked to him about this in a setting where it could be a good conversation and not over text, like I said I haven't online dated but I bet people date for a month ALL THE TIME and it seems great and then falls apart, that is too soon to be confronting about a profile still being active, but that is just me - since KatZee has a much faster timeline than average (IMO anyhoo) it would be on her to let the guy know that right away. I wonder what percentage of online daters actually stop their profile after a month, I would be surprised if many do!

 

Having the profile up would NOT bother me at all....but this guy had just uploaded new pics and was active (i.e. searching for other women)...which WOULD bother me.

 

It would send me the message that "I" am not good enough (obviously).... and I have NO desire to date a man who does not think I am good enough...no woman should.

 

It does not matter whether they had the *exclusivity talk* or not. His actions should NOT be dictated on whether they had that "talk". His actions should be dictated on what he is feeling in his heart!

 

And if he is dating me...for a month... and making noise about having sex...but still searching for other women on line (or anywhere else)....clearly what he is feeling in his heart (for me)...isn't all that strong or important.... and again I have no desire to date a man who's, well...just not "that" into me. Otherwise he would have no desire to be searching for other women to date! Duh.

[Keenly]

Tell me:

 

Lets say you've been dating a woman for 1 month. You've seen her several times, you talk to her daily and you're making plans to spend a weekend away with her. Would you then go online and upload new pictures in your profile?

 

 

If I was unsure where she was at, and I was afraid that I was getting close to her while being unsure whether or not she was going to disappear the next week, yeah I would.

 

Do you know what else? Profile would be gone after talk of exclusivity.

 

 

I think its mind boggling how people in their minds can set rules on other people that they aren't even in a relationship with. Like they expect them to alter their lives and their behavior after ONE MONTH NON EXCLUSIVE DATING.

[Keenly]

Not at all. I am applying simple psychology. Uploading new pictures in a profile = want to attract new prospects.

 

Agree?

 

 

If you live in a world of black and white, sure.

[Gaeta]

If you live in a world of black and white, sure.

 

I have done this online long enough to know that when it crawls like a snake and whistles like a snake then 99% it's a snake.

 

I have given a lot of chances to the 1% thinking maybe he's different. They never were.

[katiegrl]

If I was unsure where she was at, and I was afraid that I was getting close to her while being unsure whether or not she was going to disappear the next week, yeah I would.

 

Do you know what else? Profile would be gone after talk of exclusivity.

 

 

I think its mind boggling how people in their minds can set rules on other people that they aren't even in a relationship with. Like they expect them to alter their lives and their behavior after ONE MONTH NON EXCLUSIVE DATING.

 

It is not about expecting a man to alter his life for me. It is about not wanting to get involved with a man who is not that into me... and thinks he can do better.

 

And if a man is truly into a woman, and sees her as someone with long term potential, then one would presume he would "want" to "alter" his life (stop chasing other chicks?) ... all on his own....NOT because she had to ask him to! By having some arbitrary exclusivity talk.

 

How old is he 12? Will only change his behavior (again chasing other chicks) because he is forced to...or because "mommy" asked him to? Jeez...grow the hell up whydon'tya.

Edited June 9, 2015 by katiegrl

[Rejected Rosebud]

Having the profile up would NOT bother me at all....but this guy had just uploaded new pics and was active (i.e. searching for other women)...which WOULD bother me.

 

It would send me the message that "I" am not good enough (obviously).... and I have NO desire to date a man who does not think I am good enough...no woman should.

But wow, I would NOT get the same message by that! I would certainly NEVER think that he was looking for someone "better" I would just think his options were still open since we'd been dating for a handful of times and I would def have waited to see where it was going if I really liked him! Heck my dating profile might still be active after one month of meeting a guy I really liked!

 

and again I have no desire to date a man who's, well...just not "that" into me. Otherwise he would have no desire to be searching for other women to date! Duh.

What about her saying "I know we're NOTHING"? If I was him I would have thought "good thing I didn't jump the gun on taking down my profile." Srsly a handful of dates IS nothing but getting to know you time and I don't think there is anything wrong with being open to other people at that stage even if you are falling for one. You CANT know that person yet.

[Gaeta]

" Srsly a handful of dates IS nothing

 

 

She said: We've had a great bunch of dates, really clicked, and recently it's felt like it's progressed, good morning / good night texts from him, phone calls, him saying he misses me, he mentioned having a sleep over, a weekend getaway, etc.

 

That is more than a handful of dates. The man is saying he misses her and talks about weekends away together then goes online and upload new pictures?

[Redhead14]

No we didn't have any conversation about exclusivity, but he was making comments about having a sleep over (obviously sex), a weekend get away?

 

These to me are comments from a guy who is interested in taking the next steps with a potential partner.

 

Not necessarily. Future talk is nice, but until it actually happens, it's just fluff. And making those kinds of suggestions quickly, especially a weekend getaway, is too soon period.

 

Word for word this is what I said: I've really enjoyed hanging out with you. I was excited to see where this was going to go. XXX, the girl you saw me at the pier with is on Match.com. She saw you there. I know we're nothing so you've done nothing wrong. It was more disappointment.

 

He responded: I've been on there for a long time. Definitely not going to lie about it. I don't really know what else to say. Obviously I f'd up somehow.

 

Me: No. I already said you've done nothing wrong. Just kind of makes me think you're not that interested. Maybe I'm off base. I just wanted to be upfront with you about it.

 

Him: OK

 

So I don't think I miscommunicated at all, and after a bit over a month of talking every single day, dates, him now starting to call me, talking about sleep overs, I would think he had a bit more to say than just "OK."

 

I never made any assumption that we were "exclusive" and I had no intention of making him a boyfriend or anything like that, but I'm a single dater. I don't multi date. When I'm into someone, I focus on them. If it works, cool. If not, on to the next. How can I focus on multiple people? Be having sex with multiple people? Being cute and intimate with multiple people? I don't get how someone works like that.

 

And if he's on the site, uploading new pics, he's only there for one reason. For new potential romantic partners. So basically I'm being played.

 

The only one that would win this game is him. I'd be getting more invested, he wanted to be more intimate, and then what? He just keeps going on dates? That's stupid to me.

 

At least be like, yeah I'm definitely interested in seeing where this goes as well, I'm not dating anyone else.

 

But nope. Not even a little bit of a response that I got. UGH. Now I'm just getting annoyed.

 

 

These to me are comments from a guy who is interested in taking the next steps with a potential partner. -- Not necessarily. Future talk is nice, but until it actually happens, it's just fluff. And making those kinds of suggestions quickly, especially a weekend getaway, is too soon period. You put him on the spot. He's been doing things right otherwise in terms of expressing interest now you're negating his efforts. He's like "hey, what? I'm calling her, setting up dates, we aren't exclusive but, what more does she expect?

 

In the very beginning it is really none of your business what he's doing, especially if you haven't been intimate.

 

You deciding not to date others is YOUR decision for yourself. If you want to focus on him, do that, but don't have any expectations from him yet. He doesn't owe you that yet. If you're not a multi-dater and he is, then you're not on the same page and so you should just move on. Don't be annoyed with him for wanting what he wants.

[katiegrl]

This is where you went wrong.

 

I WAS excited to see where this was GOING to go. You've already broken it off with those words right there.

 

So many people these days don't understand the concept of communication as well as the words that they use.

 

You are use past tense, and then you basically shame him with the implication of "I'm disappointed in you" like you are his mother or something.

 

 

 

After 1 month, this would scare me off really quickly because my brain goes to the thought of if she can be this insecure after one month, whats going to happen after 6?

 

Well guess what? Your uploading new pics and searching for other chicks on line "scared* ME off! Or more to the point "turned" me off.

 

So we're even!! LOL

 

I guess it's next for both of us then....

 

Best to find out earlier rather than later, don't ya think???? :bunny:

[katiegrl]

These to me are comments from a guy who is interested in taking the next steps with a potential partner. -- Not necessarily. Future talk is nice, but until it actually happens, it's just fluff. And making those kinds of suggestions quickly, especially a weekend getaway, is too soon period. You put him on the spot. He's been doing things right otherwise in terms of expressing interest now you're negating his efforts. He's like "hey, what? I'm calling her, setting up dates, we aren't exclusive but, what more does she expect?

 

In the very beginning it is really none of your business what he's doing, especially if you haven't been intimate.

 

You deciding not to date others is YOUR decision for yourself. If you want to focus on him, do that, but don't have any expectations from him yet. He doesn't owe you that yet. If you're not a multi-dater and he is, then you're not on the same page and so you should just move on. Don't be annoyed with him for wanting what he wants.

 

Oh for god sakes RH it's not about a man "owing" a woman anything.

 

It's about what he is feeling in his heart! Or NOT feeling.

 

And any man who literally needs an *exclusivity contract* to stop chasing other chicks....is not a man worth having IMO. He should "want" to stop chasing other chicks all on his own..because of what he feels in his heart...not because "mommy" asked him to (exclusivity talk).

 

Let's give men more credit here, why don't we.

 

My above posts explain more...

[Gary S]

If things were going right, you two would be too busy with each other to even think about the dating site

[katiegrl]

If things were going right, you two would be too busy with each other to even think about the dating site

 

Such a simple concept.... but so true!!!

[Gary S]

I'm a strong advocate of the K.I.S.S. Theory..... Keep It Simple.........

 

 

........................wait for it.....................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.....................Sweetheart!

[katiegrl]

These to me are comments from a guy who is interested in taking the next steps with a potential partner. -- Not necessarily. Future talk is nice, but until it actually happens, it's just fluff. And making those kinds of suggestions quickly, especially a weekend getaway, is too soon period. You put him on the spot. He's been doing things right otherwise in terms of expressing interest now you're negating his efforts. He's like "hey, what? I'm calling her, setting up dates, we aren't exclusive but, what more does she expect?

 

In the very beginning it is really none of your business what he's doing, especially if you haven't been intimate.

 

You deciding not to date others is YOUR decision for yourself. If you want to focus on him, do that, but don't have any expectations from him yet. He doesn't owe you that yet.

 

***If you're not a multi-dater and he is, then you're not on the same page and so you should just move on. Don't be annoyed with him for wanting what he wants.***

 

Just wanted to say I agree wih last paragraph (in asterisk)... She should move on, which it sounds like she is.

 

I don't see her as being *annoyed* though....hurt and disappointed, yes, which she admitted, perfectly understandable...

[Redhead14]

Oh for god sakes RH it's not about a man "owing" a woman anything.

 

It's about what he is feeling in his heart! Or NOT feeling.

 

And any man who literally needs an *exclusivity contract* to stop chasing other chicks....is not a man worth having IMO. He should "want" to stop chasing other chicks all on his own..because of what he feels in his heart...not because "mommy" asked him to (exclusivity talk).

 

Let's give men more credit here, why don't we.

 

My above posts explain more...

 

Of course, he should want to. But he doesn't know for sure if he wants to yet and neither should she after only a few dates.

 

And, if he has declared exclusivity with a woman, it's just that he needs to live up to his agreement. That's what I mean by owing.

[Gaeta]

Of course, he should want to. But he doesn't know for sure if he wants to yet and neither should she after only a few dates. .

 

Read my post #83

[katiegrl]

Of course, he should want to. But he doesn't know for sure if he wants to yet and neither should she after only a few dates.

 

And, if he has declared exclusivity with a woman, it's just that he needs to live up to his agreement. That's what I mean by owing.

 

He does not know yet? Then he has no business telling her he misses her, planning a weekend getaway (which will include sex no doubt)...good morning, good night texts, etc. Come on.

 

Also this multi-dating thing. Funny how many men who multi-date, suddenly, miraculously "want" to stop multi-dating once they meet a chick who REALLY knocks his socks off. Without the exclusivity talk!

 

Suddenly he has NO desire to multi-date anymore!

 

Every woman should strive to be "that" woman who knocks his socks off. If not, more often than not, she's gonna end up getting strung along, waiting for him to make up his mind ...or more to the point, start giving a crap. Which rarely if ever happens.

 

Choose wisely!

Edited June 9, 2015 by katiegrl

[Lansing]

What about her saying "I know we're NOTHING"? If I was him I would have thought "good thing I didn't jump the gun on taking down my profile." Srsly a handful of dates IS nothing but getting to know you time and I don't think there is anything wrong with being open to other people at that stage even if you are falling for one. You CANT know that person yet.

 

 

You make a good point... If I got a message from a girl I was interested in and she said " I know we're nothing so you've done nothing wrong. It was more disappointment" I would take it more that I hurt her ego then that she actually wants to be with me... Why say "I know we're nothing"?? Vs. saying "I know we didn't talk about being exclusive" or whatever.

 

Sometimes when I am dating a girl I feel like the only thing that matters is their feelings and they will interpret things to look like I am doing something wrong even if I am trying to be as nice/kind as possible. I have learned to walk away from those type of girls because regardless of what I do it is never enough. Maybe an extreme view related to this thread but really I think that the guy deserved more if you never said "hey, I only want to date one person at a time" or "this is something important to me" or whatever. Until then, guys gets screwed over by girls all of the time and I don't blame him for keeping his options open.

[Keenly]

Did you just say an unsure man has "no right" to say I.miss you and send goodnight texts?

 

Good god, no wonder there are problems. With arbitrary ridiculous rules like that it makes dating too much of a pain in the rear to even care.

 

 

She didn't communicate, and we make it the man's fault.

[katiegrl]

Did you just say an unsure man has "no right" to say I.miss you and send goodnight texts?

 

Good god, no wonder there are problems. With arbitrary ridiculous rules like that it makes dating too much of a pain in the rear to even care.

 

 

She didn't communicate, and we make it the man's fault.

 

He has the *right" to say whatever he wants...whether it's BS or not.

 

However, if he is not sure whether ot not he is truly into a woman, behaving that is way misleading to a woman because the behavior implies he IS sure....at least sure whether or not he is into her!

 

If he is not sure he is into her, then again the behavior is misleading.

[Redhead14]

He does not know yet? Then he has no business telling her he misses her, planning a weekend getaway (which will include sex no doubt)...good morning, good night texts, etc. Come on.

 

Also this multi-dating thing. Funny how many men who multi-date, suddenly, miraculously "want" to stop multi-dating once they meet a chick who REALLY knocks his socks off. Without the exclusivity talk!

 

Suddenly he has NO desire to multi-date anymore!

 

Every woman should strive to be "that" woman who knocks his socks off. If not, more often than not, she's gonna end up getting strung along, waiting for him to make up his mind ...or more to the point, start giving a crap. Which rarely if ever happens.

 

Choose wisely!

 

My point is that she's now gotten to the point where she feels his words and actions don't match on one level at least. She's expressed her concern and has the option to wait it out and see if he stops using online sites because of that and follows through on his fluff.

 

She hasn't been intimate with him, so it's not clear he's trying to string her along. If by the time he sets up getaways and sleep overs he hasn't stopped "looking", she's only invested a little more time. If he doesn't stop the online by the time he tries anything else, she doesn't have to do it.

 

And, has she been clear enough to him about her interest in him? Has she been reciprocating and initiating as well by now. He's just now really gotten a heads up from her perhaps that she wants more with him. Maybe he just didn't get it either.

[katiegrl]

Did you just say an unsure man has "no right" to say I.miss you and send goodnight texts?

 

Good god, no wonder there are problems. With arbitrary ridiculous rules like that it makes dating too much of a pain in the rear to even care.

 

 

She didn't communicate, and we make it the man's fault.

 

I do agree with you about one thing though.

 

Yeah, no wonder there are so many problems between men and women.

 

Especially when we have men continuing to pursue chicks, calling, texting, planning weekend getaways, telling her he misses her, etc......when he hasn't even figured out yet how he feels about her!!!!

 

Yeah that's scary...and I am glad I am in a relationship!!!!!:bunny:

[katiegrl]

My point is that she's now gotten to the point where she feels his words and actions don't match on one level at least. She's expressed her concern and has the option to wait it out and see if he stops using online sites because of that and follows through on his fluff.

 

She hasn't been intimate with him, so it's not clear he's trying to string her along. If by the time he sets up getaways and sleep overs he hasn't stopped "looking", she's only invested a little more time. If he doesn't stop the online by the time he tries anything else, she doesn't have to do it.

 

And, has she been clear enough to him about her interest in him? Has she been reciprocating and initiating as well by now. He's just now really gotten a heads up from her perhaps that she wants more with him. Maybe he just didn't get it either.

 

Fair enough RH....that is a very rational way of looking at it.

 

Of course, feelings and falling in love are rarely, if ever, rational...but I see your point.

 

We shall see what happens going forward. Now that it's on the table....he may realize now that he IS really into her, does not want to lose her, and wants to give up the mult-dating.

 

Sometimes it does take an event like this to actually bring a couple closer! My experience anyway.

[Redhead14]

Fair enough RH....that is a very rational way of looking at it.

 

Of course, feelings and falling in love are rarely, if ever, rational...but I see your point.

 

We shall see what happens going forward. Now that it's on the table....he may realize now that he IS really into her, does not want to lose her, and wants to give up the mult-dating.

 

Sometimes it does take an event like this to actually bring a couple closer! My experience anyway.

 

Of course, feelings and falling in love are rarely, if ever, rational. This is part of being able to manage your emotions and expectations. If you're investing yourself and quickly into a new dating scenario, you aren't being rational and this is where the overthinking comes in. You lose the ability to look at the picture as a whole and from different sides and weigh things out.

 

It's about optimizing opportunities and giving it the best chance to succeed and giving at least a little bit of flexibility after you've invested some time and you know you like them.

 

With this one, it's not that cut and dried as some scenarios where it's clear the guy is keeping her on the back burner. He's been doing a lot of things right apparently for her. They haven't been intimate yet. So he's not using her for sex up to this point.

 

When you communicate a desire, concern or need to someone, it's only fair to allow them to act on it and show that they understand and try to accommodate. If you say, hey, you aren't doing what I want you to do so I'm going to dump you without letting him know before that, that's worse than an ultimatum. He didn't know what she wanted.

 

He now understands what's what with her. If he doesn't accommodate or step it up with her, then she moves on. She doesn't address it again. She's given a heads up. She does it once and that's it.