Wife has been having a LTA for 15 years

[Hope Shimmers]

She's not very bright, is she?

 

No. As evidenced by the fact that she apparently came up with the idea of getting both of them hooked on alcohol/drugs (not just planting drugs on them, but getting them HOOKED) in order to get custody. That is just.... speechless.

 

Taking you at your word OP - beware of this attorney, because any attorney worth his salt isn't going to put himself in the legal position of being in the middle of a huge conflict of interest, which is exactly where this attorney will likely be. He can't be much of an attorney to put himself in this position.

 

If the DNA tests were indeed done on sleeping children, then they are NOT accurate (per the company - you don't have to take my word for it) and I'm surprised they actually processed the tests that way. At the very least they need to be re-done in the proper manner.

 

The timeline is a blur. It's been about a week, and you have a complicated legal strategy already set up for BOTH you and the OBS. You have started counseling and seem well into it. You have connected with the OBS, coming up with all these wild ideas with her. You are still having 'some of the best sex of your life' with your POS (your words) wife. How do you do that? I get the need to keep up appearances, but wow. Just the other day you were talking about reconciliation.

 

I agree with Shazam in that you don't likely don't know what you think you know at this point. Good luck.

[fellini]

Given that the OP has decided to divorce, and fight for custody of his natural child and the custody of two he believes to be of the OM, I do not see why it is necessary to debate [debate redacted] the DNA testing, at this point.

 

He intends to fight for these children whether they are HIS, whether they are the OM's or whether they belong to Bin Laden.

 

His first step is to put paternity on the table with a proper DDAY.

 

It doesn't matter WHAT he thinks, because once his wife and her AP are involved they will be bringing their own lawyers into the picture and the issue of DNA testing will rise its bloody head once more. The Mother will either confirm or deny, and testing will have to be conducted AGAIN, in a legal way.

Edited June 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[No Limit]

Sounds like the war horns will sound on Monday - hang in there, you can do it! And judging from the clicks this post has received - over 10k in just 3 days - I believe there are many people reading out there who are on your side as well. (And maybe a few wayward folks in LTAs pissing their pants and praying you aren't their husband, lol!)

 

One more thing - this was NEVER your fault. Your only fault was that you chose to marry a honorless rat, but how should you have known about her true self when she's always kept it hidden behind a mask of a real woman? If it hadn't been this OM, it would have been some other guy she had easy access to - or many other men if necessary - this is HER personality defect and has nothing to do with you. Think of unknowingly buying a broken mobile phone and you only figure out it's broken once you open the package.

[Buckeye2]

Since you’re not going after retroactive child support from the OM and want custody of all your kids I would do the following: Lead with the emails and hold the paternity in reserve.

 

After the dust settles you can say your lawyer suggested DNA testing. That way you can get an official test and never admit that you snuck around while the kids were sleeping. It also makes the lawyer the bad guy and not you.

 

It will also mess with your wife and the OM as they wait for the other shoe to drop. Think about it. They’re in damage control and doing the best they can. Things calm down and then they find out that your lawyer wants DNA testing.

 

Waywards go to ridiculous lengths denying. One WW texted her OM to “Comeover and f@ck me now.” She insisted that it was an EA and that was roleplaying. I don’t know how graphic the emails are but they could try and say it was a 15 year long PA. Don’t laugh, I could see them trying it.

 

Basically serving them at work will be like kicking an ant nest. It will be fun to watch them scramble and see want they do. Telling them that you know about the paternity right off the bat is doing them a favor. Wait until the right time and nuke them.

[William]

I tried finding this thread and could not.

In the interest of keeping references to other threads within our guidelines, here's a link which may shed some light. This is not an invitation to discuss a past thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/426582-he-knows-about-my-affair-but-hasn-t-said-anything-update-disclosed#post5226383

 

I'm cleaning up some quotes and adding paragraphs to various postings for readability as well as doing a brief review to ensure compliance with moderation's directives. Thanks!

[eric1]

Since you’re not going after retroactive child support from the OM and want custody of all your kids I would do the following: Lead with the emails and hold the paternity in reserve.

 

After the dust settles you can say your lawyer suggested DNA testing. That way you can get an official test and never admit that you snuck around while the kids were sleeping. It also makes the lawyer the bad guy and not you.

 

It will also mess with your wife and the OM as they wait for the other shoe to drop. Think about it. They’re in damage control and doing the best they can. Things calm down and then they find out that your lawyer wants DNA testing.

 

Waywards go to ridiculous lengths denying. One WW texted her OM to “Comeover and f@ck me now.” She insisted that it was an EA and that was roleplaying. I don’t know how graphic the emails are but they could try and say it was a 15 year long PA. Don’t laugh, I could see them trying it.

 

Basically serving them at work will be like kicking an ant nest. It will be fun to watch them scramble and see want they do. Telling them that you know about the paternity right off the bat is doing them a favor. Wait until the right time and nuke them.

 

What a gorgeous post.

 

“Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win”

― Sun Tzu, The Art of War

[lifedestroyed]

aliveagain and other posters RE: Sofie's thread:

 

I had a brief look at Sofie's thread, our hotel room scenario was very similar to how the hotel room incident occured in Sofie's story, except ours was during the day not in the early morning hours. That would have been an easy give away for me if it was in the early morning hours, no excuse could have saved them. So sad for her poor BH.

 

 

Shazam:

 

I'm sure you read my previous post when I mentioned that it was not easy convincing our lawyer to go ahead with this? Again I have to mention that money is not an issue. OBS and I have each others best interests at heart, it's the kids. She is also well off financially although not as much as myself, but any conflicts that will arise in the future will be dealt with between us as friends, not enemies. Once our lawyer realised how OBS and I are willing to work together, he reluctantly accepted, and he will be rewarded accordingly.

 

How is knowing (by 10-14 years of raising them) that my daughters will not want anything to do with OM a bad habit? I think I "know" my daughters pretty well thank you very much. Clarity is everything I have deligently been seeking my friend and I believe I have it, i'm the one at the forefront of all this, mind you.

 

 

Drifter:

 

It was not that difficult actually as my kids are deep heavy sleepers. In the event that I had woken them up, I was ready to tell them the truth. I would have deligently made sure that their mother doesn't find out anything though.

 

I do not wish to share that information, not now at least. I would have shared the details in my previous post otherwise.

 

 

Hope Shimmers

 

OBS is a brilliant lady who has just had her world turned upside down. I don't blame her for suggesting such an idea in her raging/traumatic state. Of course we are not going ahead with that suggestion.

 

Re: our attorney, he will not be in that situation as OBS and I are willing to work together 100%, money is not an issue read my above reply to Shazam. You guys have your own theories and they seem so dramatic. OBS and I have no kids together so everything between us will be financial conflicts, they will not be an issue. I wouldn't care if OBS got a lot of my money as long as it doesn't go to my WW, and for her as long as it doesn't go to OM she is also happy. I feel like I have to emphasise this again and again... MONEY IS NOT AN ISSUE.

 

RE: the DNA test results, fellini's post below yours is perfect. I will seek full custody regardless if the results are accurate or not so please drop that debate.

 

RE: timeline, slow down! who said that our legal strategy is already fully set up?

I went into counselling one session so far, we are well into it because i'm very self aware and I know how to articulate my emotions. This isn't the first time i've done IC as well.

Urgh I explained that "some of the best sex of my life" is like a one sided hysterical bonding!!! Amidst everything going on i'm having mixed emotions about her when we make love. Sometimes I want to take my anger out on her and mess her up in bed (sexually speaking), sometimes i'm under an illusion that maybe i'm her primary lover, sometimes i'm just horny, sometimes I make love to her believing that maybe she loves me (that's the one sided hysterical bonding part), sometimes I want to "claim my woman", please don't downplay what i'm going through! I'm sorry if I appear abrasive regarding this part, I really felt belittled by your remark, something I don't need right now.

 

I disagree with you regarding what I think I know, but I will admit I don't know how I feel sometimes.

 

 

Buckeye2:

 

Very smart thinking, that is how we are proceeding with our plan as a matter of fact. We are not mentioning the DNA results during the confrontation. And lol at that WW claiming role playing after that text, some people huh!

 

 

 

Everyone else thank you soooo much for your input! I'm doing my best to remain calm and collected in real life, after Monday I can finally be myself in front of everyone and in a twisted way I look forward to it because my silence is a heavy weight on my shoulders, OBS feels the same way. I will take the time to reply to everyone another time. For now I hope I have clarified some doubts, since this is such a strange situation. However; It seems like some posters are rewriting my life to make it seem much more dramatic than it actually is (albeit being dramatic enough), why is that?

[eric1]

I do believe that you will get a full blown otherworldly consensus that your life isn't straightforward at this point!

 

To follow up my previous Sun Tzo quote this reminds me of the famous Chinese curse - "May you live in interesting times"

 

You're an easy guy to root for man. I know it doesn't mean much but you have this anonymous Internet poster rooting for you like it's one minute left in the Super Bowl (and I'm a Patriots fan, so this portends well for you!)

[Hope Shimmers]

Re: our attorney, he will not be in that situation as OBS and I are willing to work together 100%, money is not an issue read my above reply to Shazam. You guys have your own theories and they seem so dramatic. OBS and I have no kids together so everything between us will be financial conflicts, they will not be an issue. I wouldn't care if OBS got a lot of my money as long as it doesn't go to my WW, and for her as long as it doesn't go to OM she is also happy. I feel like I have to emphasise this again and again... MONEY IS NOT AN ISSUE.

 

It doesn't matter if money is not an issue to YOU (a point you've made no less than four times now). Your attorney doesn't know that and even if he did, he doesn't care. He has apparently put himself voluntarily in a position of conflict of interest and it is HIS financial and professional status that he put in jeopardy. I have never seen a legitimate attorney do that, but okay. That was my point. Has nothing to do with your money. Good luck!

[No Limit]

I know it doesn't mean much but you have this anonymous Internet poster rooting for you like it's one minute left in the Super Bowl (and I'm a Patriots fan, so this portends well for you!)

 

Don't forget me! Rooting for you like in the final turn of the Triple Crown!

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

It doesn't matter if money is not an issue to YOU (a point you've made no less than four times now). Your attorney doesn't know that and even if he did, he doesn't care. He has apparently put himself voluntarily in a position of conflict of interest and it is HIS financial and professional status that he put in jeopardy. I have never seen a legitimate attorney do that, but okay. That was my point. Has nothing to do with your money. Good luck!

Yes, I agree. I don't like the legal arrangement (and it may violate legal ethics rules), and I don't have the same confidence you have in it. Good luck.

[velvette]

I don't like the sharing lawyers thing, but its your call. Hopefully, the OBS stays on the same page you are on, because if not it could get more messy than it already is.

 

 

I know you said you don't need or want child support from the OM, but I would discuss this with your lawyer. It might be that hitting him with a suit for all past/future support and college tuition which I assume would be several hundred thousand dollars, might be leverage to negotiate with him to relinquish all parental rights.

 

 

I would also make sure that your custody agreement with your WW includes her not having OM or any other male she is not married to in her house when your kids are with her.

 

 

Good luck

[Spectre]

You know what this is a zany situation with the lawyers and all that. On the other hand it sounds like the OP doesn't have to worry about money..so I dunno, I almost want to just say "have at it". Sometimes people heal in awfully strange ways!

[velvette]

I know my girls, they wouldn't want anything to do with that POS OM. He has deliberately not been in their lives while knowing he is their biological father. Understandable if he didn't know, but he did and refused to be any part of their lives, all for the sake of deception. How do you think they will view the OM after the fact? Surely they will not be interested in "bonding" with him while i'm "some nice guy paying mandated court checks", no, my girls love their daddy very much and I love my girls to bits, and my son too. I am 100% certain they would choose me over the OM.

.

 

 

I agree with you for now. They are going to be hurt/angry with their mother and aren't going to be inclined to have anything to do with OM.

 

 

But, that may change in the future. Don't underestimate the pull to know their biological roots.

 

 

Not saying they will forsake you, but it will be only natural for them at some point to want to know more about their biological father and if not him then their biological half siblings and extended family. And, if they are in contact with their mother she may influence that in ways you have no control over.

 

 

Of course, your oldest child will have an entirely different scenario and who knows how they will influence your youngest two.

 

 

As hard as it will be, my advice is do what you have to do and take the high road regarding your WW and OM.

 

 

Keep in mind that children see themselves in their parents. So, at some point if you bad mouth their mother and even the bio dad they don't know, they may take that on as they are bad too.

 

 

Taking the high road will pay off in the long run with your kids. Everything you do should be done with the idea in mind that you may have to account for your actions to your kids one day. Make sure that you will not be ashamed to do that.

 

 

Its bad enough what is happening to you, but you are an adult. Your kids world is about to be turned upside down. Be their rock, not someone who is careening from crazy to more crazy.

[Spectre]

It sucks because the horrid she devil he marries gets to destroy his life and here still the poor guy has to be the "rock" for others while nursing the own damage this terrible woman has done. I swear when I think I've seen the epitome of cruelty on here it is always one upped eventually.

 

The most messed up thing is a woman this horrible could probably STILL try to get money out of you from the courts..and they'd give some to her. That is how messed up our court system is when it comes to divorce. We reward bad behavior, we almost enable it.

[velvette]

It sucks because the horrid she devil he marries gets to destroy his life and here still the poor guy has to be the "rock" for others while nursing the own damage this terrible woman has done. I swear when I think I've seen the epitome of cruelty on here it is always one upped eventually.

 

The most messed up thing is a woman this horrible could probably STILL try to get money out of you from the courts..and they'd give some to her. That is how messed up our court system is when it comes to divorce. We reward bad behavior, we almost enable it.

 

Well being the "rock" for your children is hardly being the rock for others.

 

 

Also, sounds like WW is pretty high up the food chain when it comes to employment so she may not make out as well financially as say a SAHW would.

 

 

Which reminds me OP if she has a pension, make sure you go after your share of that whether you need it or not.

 

 

Also, I want to ask the OP if you had to do a DNA test to know the younger two kids weren't yours and you and your WW have an active sex life how do she and the OM know these are his bio kids?

[No Limit]

how do she and the OM know these are his bio kids?

 

Taking something to counter-effect the pill would be the fastest. No doubt the kids were planned if they were born years into the affair. Oops-babies tend to happen much sooner.

[Morro72]

Taking something to counter-effect the pill would be the fastest. No doubt the kids were planned if they were born years into the affair. Oops-babies tend to happen much sooner.

Or they could have gone the IVF route. Crazy, but maybe not that much crazier than the rest of it.

[Poutrew]

A couple words of advice: NEVER admit you keylogged her computer, and always have a DVR running in your pocket on D-day as you never know what juicy piece of evidence she will volunteer on that day when you finally talk to her... good luck in unleashing a sh**storm of misery upon these two POS.

[10thengineerharrison]

This story is so bad, so messed up that I don't think that normal infidelity advice really applies. Its hard to even believe it but I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. In this context I don't know why he should do anything but sit down and talk about an open marriage. It seems that she is polyamorous (sp?) and can love two men simultaneously. Rather than blow everything up I would at least discuss the possibility of maintaining status quo. She can have her lover and be a good wife - she's proven that for 15 years. Why change that part of the equation? He can accept continuing to share her openly. If he wants he can take a lover or two as well. A tangled, bag-of-snakes like this requires a different approach and I think what I"m suggesting should be considered. The alternatives he's facing maybe worse.

 

While my own opinion is that polyamory is a complete myth or a fancy term used by philanderers and swingers to justify their selfish desires to be teenagers when they should be adults, this situation has been nothing like polyamory - which would have been out in the open. Probably the reason it's worked so well for the WW and the OM is because they've been able to revel in the deceit for so long, comparing notes about their legitimate spouses and playing games at their expense.

 

At best, the OP has been blissfully ignorant for the past 15 years. But even at best, he's no longer ignorant. That particular genie can never be put back in the bottle.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[No Limit]

Or they could have gone the IVF route. Crazy, but maybe not that much crazier than the rest of it.

 

I try to imagine what kind of mind a person must have to pull that crap off without ever losing face. The more I try the worse I feel for just trying to imagine that picture, yuck - I guess two sociopaths found each other and after a coupe years expected to never get caught so they went ahead with the pregnancies (2 so it would be more than OPs). Really looking forward to Monday now. Burn them down (metaphorically)!

[10thengineerharrison]

I also have to say unfortunately they probably will end up together after all this. Terrible people with no morals probably have a lot of in common. People say opposites attract, but trash also seems to be attracted to other trash like a magnet.

 

Consider the possibility (probability?) that this relationship will implode once the secrecy that has sustained it all these years is gone.

 

There's no fantasy happily ever after ending for these two.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison.

[SammySammy]

I try to imagine what kind of mind a person must have to pull that crap off without ever losing face. The more I try the worse I feel for just trying to imagine that picture, yuck - I guess two sociopaths found each other and after a coupe years expected to never get caught so they went ahead with the pregnancies (2 so it would be more than OPs). Really looking forward to Monday now. Burn them down (metaphorically)!

 

Cruel, cold-blooded and heartless.

 

My AP has never been faithful to her husband. She lied to me before they were married and had an affair with me while she was dating and engaged to him. After finding out and leaving her for many years, we had a chance meeting and started another affair. The things she would do to this man were cruel and she often said she had no remorse. Didn't feel bad about it at all.

 

The last straw for me was finding out she was deceiving both of us. I haven't spoken to her since that moment. She knows how I found out and in all the text messages and phone messages she's left for me (that I haven't responded to), she has yet to admit any wrongdoing or apologize.

 

You know why? Because she's cruel, cold-blooded and heartless and she has no remorse for anything she's done.

 

I suspect OP's wife is the same. Seems like a nice person, but is really a sociopath.

Edited June 11, 2015 by MidKnightDreams

[elaine567]

There's no fantasy happily ever after ending for these two.

 

You do not know that.

That is just wishful, karma talking, and karma doesn't really exist.

An affair for 15 years with two children produced, is not your usual everyday, "fantasy" affair.

I guess no-one really knows what will happen here, but I would not risk my bottom dollar that they will not end up together.

[happyman64]

Lifedestroyed

 

You, the obs and your families are in my prayers.

 

Please protect yourself during the confrontation with a recorder as well as after the confrontation.

 

Your WW is going to be a mixed bag of emotions.

 

She will angry, sad, maybe happy that the facade is now over.

 

But she might also be vindictive. So secure your assets. Have your paperwork ready.

 

And be prepared for a load of utter BS.

 

No matter what transpires protect the kids. Because their hurt will be just as bad as yours.

 

These two waywards have no idea the level of damage they have done to their spouses or children by perpetuating this falsehood for so long.

 

Your wife and the OM are truly selfish individuals.

 

God Speed.

 

HM