Wife has been having a LTA for 15 years

[No Limit]

I know it is likely the kids will "hate" the mother and choose to live with the OP, but maybe not, that is the risk he is taking too.

 

The reason those 2 were born was to spice the affair up, no more, no less. I'd be surprised if the mother ever dared to even contact them again.

It's sickening.

[understand50]

This is a totally unfair statement.

 

Those ARE his children.

 

Why people are suddenly using reverse psychology on him suggesting he is "caving" and weak is a mystery. He has shown far more solid reasoning in this thread than most BS's and yet some of you wish to see him as vulnerable and about to abandon YOUR IDEA of what he MUST DO.

 

What ever this guy DECIDES will undoubtably be his best decision for himself.

As he sees these 3 kids as HIS OWN it is understandable that he is beginning to imagine what life will look like outside of a nuclear family. Cut him some slack and let him reflect on the totality of his emotions!

 

And frankly if he does end up back with his WW, this is his business and his decision and only he can truly know what he expects from that.

 

All this talk about what is and isn't forgiveable is just opinion and if it's not something you can image, fine, but there will always be someone, somewhere who can. And this does not make it wrong. Just different from your own perspective.

 

Legally the kids are his. I do not see a court, there maybe one, that would award the kids to the OM. As I understand it, Kids born belong to the headband in the marriage, unless he make as issue. This is common law, and I do not see a court breaking kids from a father, especially with this type of betrayal. The older son, I am sure, would not like to lose his sisters as well.

 

What is left for the OP is to decide what he wants to do with his WS. What ever he decides, he is going to need support, and advise. Mine is that he should divorce, as I do not think there is anything to save, but again it is his call.

 

I wish him and his kids luck.

 

 

2471

[oldshirt]

Legally the kids are his. I do not see a court, there maybe one, that would award the kids to the OM. As I understand it, Kids born belong to the headband in the marriage, unless he make as issue. This is common law, and I do not see a court breaking kids from a father, especially with this type of betrayal. The older son, I am sure, would not like to lose his sisters as well.

 

What is left for the OP is to decide what he wants to do with his WS. What ever he decides, he is going to need support, and advise. Mine is that he should divorce, as I do not think there is anything to save, but again it is his call.

 

I wish him and his kids luck.

 

 

2471

 

 

There is a one in quadrazillion chance any court would deny the OP his paternal rights and award the OM custody.

 

What could happen though is the OM could patition for parental visitations and the OM' s parents could patition for grandparents visitations.

 

The OP' s wife could also use biological paternity as fodder for her custodial arrangements should she and the OM take up residence together during or following divorce.

 

The OP' s paternal rights won't really be in question, it's more a question of legal expenses and the pain in the @$$ of having to fend off any complications that may come up over the revelation of the OM' s biological paternity.

[merrmeade]

This is a totally unfair statement.

 

Those ARE his children.

 

Why people are suddenly using reverse psychology on him suggesting he is "caving" and weak is a mystery. He has shown far more solid reasoning in this thread than most BS's and yet some of you wish to see him as vulnerable and about to abandon YOUR IDEA of what he MUST DO.

 

What ever this guy DECIDES will undoubtably be his best decision for himself.

As he sees these 3 kids as HIS OWN it is understandable that he is beginning to imagine what life will look like outside of a nuclear family. Cut him some slack and let him reflect on the totality of his emotions!

 

And frankly if he does end up back with his WW, this is his business and his decision and only he can truly know what he expects from that.

 

All this talk about what is and isn't forgiveable is just opinion and if it's not something you can image, fine, but there will always be someone, somewhere who can. And this does not make it wrong. Just different from your own perspective.

ld, Thank you for answering my questions about why you're waiting until Monday. How are you doing? I can't imagine how you're handling being alone with your wife now, trying to hide your feelings and knowledge. I should think she'd notice something different, some passing expression on your face, and ask you what's wrong. Perhaps you've already thought of this and gave a plausible explanation such as a problem at work or something else.

 

These are such unusual circumstances. It's hard to imagine what you must be going through. I remember waiting a whole day before confronting my husband. I'd already gotten a semi-confession from my sister-in-law (the OW) over the phone. My heart was racing, breathing speeded up, I couldn't sleep. My mind was useless for even simple tasks but razor-sharp about my plan to trap him him into a confession. My one regret now (this is irrelevant but vaguely interesting) is that I didn't try to get into SIL's phone, which she'd left at our house, and read their messages. Probably would've needed a password, but I didn't even try, not knowing much technology then and afraid she'd figure out that I had. Anyway, it was a surreal, hyperaware state that I wouldn't want to be in again.

 

Does the banter about what might happen later bother you? It's been bothering me a lot — as if you're not even here — especially considering the difficulty of the present you're in.

 

If you have a chance, maybe you can say how you're doing.

[merrmeade]

How are you doing? I can't imagine how you're handling being alone with your wife now, trying to hide your feelings and knowledge.

Oh yeah. Just realized you're probably at work. Well, maybe my previous post will help you get started thinking about it.

[81West]

Oh yeah. Just realized you're probably at work. Well, maybe my previous post will help you get started thinking about it.

 

I think he might be sleeping, if such a thing is possible in his terrible situation. My mildly informed guess is that the poster doesn't live in the US, but somewhere that uses British English, and probably several hours ahead of the US.

 

Other than that I have nothing useful to say, except that this horrible situation still stuns me even after reading about it for a few days now. Certainly for me it has been the gift of perspective. I think everyone of us following this thread would take some of this burden for the poster if we somehow magically could.

[merrmeade]

I think he might be sleeping, if such a thing is possible in his terrible situation. My mildly informed guess is that the poster doesn't live in the US, but somewhere that uses British English, and probably several hours ahead of the US.

 

Other than that I have nothing useful to say, except that this horrible situation still stuns me even after reading about it for a few days now. Certainly for me it has been the gift of perspective. I think everyone of us following this thread would take some of this burden for the poster if we somehow magically could.

Thank you. You're probably right. It's hard to stay away from this thread even when you know there can't be anything new. Your comment moved me to tears. I think we're all sort of suspended between incredulity, pathos and futility.

[lifedestroyed]

Hey everyone, I apologize for not being able to post as often as I would like to. For obvious reasons I have been busier than the first few days.

 

Just to answer some questions quickly:

 

OBS and I are waiting until Monday to confront our WS's at their workplace to remove them off their pedestals that their company has put them on, and also for the element of surprise of a double confrontation. We have finally finished drafting up our legal strategies with our lawyer and we have both moved our assets so that our WS's can't touch them. I want full custody of my kids and OBS wants custody of her kids also.

 

I told my wife that things at work are not going so well, which is a little true, but not bad enough to make me actually feel anything, and that I wanted the weekend to ourselves just to "forget about it all". OBS told OM that she wanted to "spoil him this weekend". Luckily OBS and OM regularly send their kids to their grandparents, so no flags were raised of both our families sending our kids to their grandparents on the same weekend. It's happened in the past before for other reasons.

 

Yeah this is a horrible thing.

 

I almost doubt he will be able to go through with it in the end.

 

A lot of BS's can't take the pain and end up staying, despite how obvious it looks to the rest of us on the outside that this is a bad situation.

 

Maybe he might leave her for a little bit or threaten it, but my money is on him staying with his W in the end. She will apologize and drop the A.

 

 

WW and I are having a good time together for the last time, everything is going great between us nothing unusual. I decided that i'm not faking it this weekend. I am extremely hurt but I still love this woman so so much those feelings don't just die overnight albeit me being technically in love with an illusion. I have temporarily forgiven her for the sake of this weekend, which is a shame because that shows me I am capable of forgiving her IF ONLY our relationship wasn't an illusion.

 

Popsicle your comment would have been plausible if I felt that our relationship wasn't an illusion. There is nothing that can be said or done by my WW that would convince me that our marriage wasn't an illusion. So even if i'm capable of forgiving her, I will never be able to trust her that what we have is REAL. As far as i'm concerned, even if she did all the right things after confrontation, I wouldn't be able to believe her that she means it. If I was stuck in a miserable sexless marriage prior to this and she did the right things, then perhaps I could make it work even if it was a 15 year LTA, because at least that would be real, but this... I just cannot take her back.

 

 

 

As for myself... i'm not doing so well emotionally and probably cognitively too. Since I have temporarily forgiven my WW I feel crazy like an actual lunatic that I am deciding to knowingly be in love with an illusion. I know my WW is most likely faking everything, but I am going along with it; lol what the hell right? I've lost it. She has done this to me. IC is going well though and your support is tremendously helping me get through this thank you all soooo much!

 

*tight group hug*

 

 

 

 

p.s merrmeade thank you for sticking up for me, while you may be correct in this regard, somehow these awful cruel full-colour (not color lol made me chuckle) projections about possible future scenarios that these other posters are posting are helping me realise the reality of everything. I am now more open minded to the fact that there are a lot of possible outcomes since I have only complete control of everything on my end.

 

I think that all these awful, awful full-color projections about possible future scenarios are just plain cruel. They could be alluded to and couched in apologetic explanations that consider OP's fragile state, but not debated publicly in graphic detail. Even more respect and sensitivity needed imho.

 

 

p.s.s also i'm sorry if I haven't answered anybodies questions yet, there are so many posts to go through, so just repeat your question again on a new post if I missed it, that way I can keep track of the ones that are already answered and the ones that I missed.

 

p.s.s.s I don't live in the U.S that is correct.

[Morbius]

Yeah this is a horrible thing.

 

I almost doubt he will be able to go through with it in the end.

 

A lot of BS's can't take the pain and end up staying, despite how obvious it looks to the rest of us on the outside that this is a bad situation.

 

Maybe he might leave her for a little bit or threaten it, but my money is on him staying with his W in the end. She will apologize and drop the A.

 

Ten characters again.

[Buckeye2]

I saw a strange text on her phone last month. She had said she was going to visit her mother and while she was in the shower, I saw a text appear on her lockscreen from the OM saying "see you soon".

 

 

Make sure that the OM finds out about this. It will make him quite upset at your wife.

[Buckeye2]

WW and I are having a good time together for the last time, everything is going great between us nothing unusual. I decided that i'm not faking it this weekend. I am extremely hurt but I still love this woman so so much those feelings don't just die overnight albeit me being technically in love with an illusion. I have temporarily forgiven her for the sake of this weekend.

 

 

 

Hysterical bonding and she doesn't even know it.

[Poutrew]

LD, if it helps you to be not crazy, in as much as you are pretending this marriage is OK at least till Monday, just think of this weekend as the Gotterdammerung of your marriage. Literally it means 'Twilight of the Gods'. The Apocalypse. This last weekend is the silent, merry time before the apocalypse.

 

 

My advice would be to enjoy yourself - *really* enjoy yourself. Rest, relax, have some fun, and find your center. You'll need it for the times ahead, for battling the storm those two idiots have unleashed in your lives. And remember, sometimes nice guys really do finish first

[Morbius]

LD,

It seems everything is coming together as best as possible in this godforsaken situation. Hopefully you and OBS can stay the course you both have meticulously planned. It will be difficult, no doubt. Your attitude utilizing temporary forgiveness intrigues me. It sounds like a unique way to compartmentalize the situation, ignore the LTA and live the weekend as if it is the last, which sadly it is. I doubt I could have this strength both you and OBS will require this final weekend. I can only shake my head in awesome wonder.

 

On a final note, well done moving assets, lawyer consultations, and maintaining IC. Keep the armour securely fastened, and the blades of justice sharp. Heads held high as you and OBS walk into their place of employment on Monday.

 

Update when possible, and good vibes to you both.

[turnera]

lifedestroyed, I just want to point out one thing to keep in mind about Monday. You've spent a lot of time planning. Fantasizing. Assuming. About how it's going to go down. And most likely, you've been planning on getting some sort of feel-good rush out of it, as you anticipate her reaction (weeping, distraught, ashamed, whatever).

 

Please prepare yourself for the expectation that it will NOT go as you assume it will. She may be glad. She'll probably laugh at you and call you pathetic (to save face). They may deny it. The bosses may support them and kick you two out. Who knows? Just be prepared for anything, ok?

[Morbius]

lifedestroyed, I just want to point out one thing to keep in mind about Monday. You've spent a lot of time planning. Fantasizing. Assuming. About how it's going to go down. And most likely, you've been planning on getting some sort of feel-good rush out of it, as you anticipate her reaction (weeping, distraught, ashamed, whatever).

 

Please prepare yourself for the expectation that it will NOT go as you assume it will. She may be glad. She'll probably laugh at you and call you pathetic (to save face). They may deny it. The bosses may support them and kick you two out. Who knows? Just be prepared for anything, ok?

 

Well said turnera!!! No telling how they will react backed into a tight corner. LD eyes and ears wide open, and expect the unexpected.

[Morro72]

The way this is expressed in a slightly different context is "No battle plan survives contact with the enemy."

[sandylee1]

LD

 

You have the proof so she can deny all she wants . Might be an idea to take a couple of their emails with you.

 

I can't imagine how her family will react knowing she's tricked you about paternity of two of your kids .

The shame. .....humiliation...of being so deceitful. It's pure evil and those two deserve each other .

 

Stay strong LD.

 

 

ETA

The suggestion you'll just threaten to leave and stay out of fear of upheaval just miminises your pain. BSs are not doormats, who will stay with a WS no matter what.

 

BSs don't always reconcile and cheating is a dealbreaker for many of them .

 

This is not your average affair.

Edited June 13, 2015 by sandylee1

[BetrayedH]

Few courts are going to grant sole custody to a father with infidelity as the sole basis. I'd think it's even less likely when it's revealed that he's not the bio father. I suppose it depends on how infidelity is viewed in your country.

 

Ultimately my point is that if your primary goal is sole custody, you've got an uphill battle in front of you. You have to play every card just right. You have no room for mistakes or emotional decisions. You're going to have to appear as the stable, non-emotional, responsible parent and she's going to have to look like a lunatic that can't be trusted with her kids.

 

I think this workplace confrontation isn't going to paint a good picture of you. Getting her fired isn't going to make you look like the one that prioritizes what's best for the children. What if this becomes a huge scene? What would be better is figuring out how you're going to reveal this to your children in the healthiest way possible. Personally, I couldn't care less when you do a confrontation with your wife. I think the best confrontation is done simply with divorce papers. Then you ask her to leave and you do the 180, only discussing shared financials, the divorce, and the kids.

 

So, what are the children being told? Providing any level of detail to your kids isn't going to make you look like the one that's prioritizing the kids. You'll just look like a vindictive husband. Courts often make custody decisions based on which parent will likely do the most to foster a positive relationship with the other parent. Are your actions showing that? So far, you haven't said when they will hear the news either. Will they hear it from your frantic wife? From the grandparents?

 

I'm not judging you for what you're doing. I hardly judge any BS for how they react after Dday. But you need to be wise. As I've said before, make decisions with your head, not your emotions. If your priority is custody, every decision you make should be made with consideration of how the court will view you. I don't think a workplace confrontation paints a picture of a man that's making decisions that are in the best interest of the kids. You're doing what feels best to you.

[BetrayedH]

Edit to add: splitting off your income into a separate account is probably fine. But I'd be careful about hiding or cutting off her access to any marital assets.

[beach]

Edit to add: splitting off your income into a separate account is probably fine. But I'd be careful about hiding or cutting off her access to any marital assets.

 

The court would "usually" decide how the assets get divided.

 

I think moving assets now was done mainly so she can't deplete them out of anger...

[81West]

BetrayedH's advice is very, very good LD. Can you absorb his points and if you still don't agree tell us why? Like others I'm afraid you're gambling an awful lot on a short, uncertain payoff. Your wife's actions are frankly so horrendous that I can't imagine that Karma hasn't gone on a hiring spree just for this situation. Somebody earlier said that this was a case of revenge being a dish best served cold. Also very good advice. Please consider it and try to find some time to talk it through with those here who think the workplace confrontation is a potentially costly mistake.

 

Be patient with yourself and your emotions LD. Don't question your sanity. Everything you have expressed here is absolutely normal. You're still reeling from a terrible, awful set of shocks. Accept every emotion and thought just as they come, and let others help support you even as you feel like sinking.

[Davey L]

A couple of points.

 

Getting her fired may be to your financial disadvantage, in that you may end up paying her more support.

 

If you are here in the UK I think it is the name on the birth certificates that matter to the law, not the bio father. I trust you have taken legal advice here, avoid losing out both ways (no access as you are not bio father but paying child support because you are on the birth certificate).

[BetrayedH]

The court would "usually" decide how the assets get divided.

 

I think moving assets now was done mainly so she can't deplete them out of anger...

 

Of course the court will decide about dividing assets and debts over the long term (if the parties don't choose to mediate instead).

 

But in most cases, the assets aren't "his" to hide or take away from her. With this long of a marriage, nearly all of the assets and debts are marital (unless they were from prior to the marriage), regardless of whose name is on it. Income is also marital income. In most places, everything is marital until either the date of legal separation or the date of the filing for divorce. At that time, it would be appropriate for him to put any income into a separate account in his name only, and she could do the same with her income.

 

But any assets gained prior to that date remain marital until there's a settlement. And any hiding, "protecting," "securing" (or whatever other term you want to apply) may not be looked upon kindly by the court.

 

I'm not saying much will come of it. But if she is fired, kicked out, and has no money or access to money that is rightfully hers, it may not look good for him. And if his concern is what's in the best interests of the children, public shaming of their mother, getting her fired, leaving their mother without the means to support herself and her kids - well, it ain't gonna look like he's got the best interests of the kids in mind. At that point, I'd expect that the court would step in an prevent him from having control of everything. And if the court doesn't care about infidelity (which is the trend these days), then they may just see the mother as the more stable of the two parents.

 

The OP can certainly do as he likes, and I suspect he will based on this thread so far. I just hope he doesn't cut off his nose to spite his face. He may get some satisfaction out of this double confrontation. I think that's kinda unpredictable; we'll have to see. But I do think he runs a risk with this revenge-like behavior. I'd rather see him paint himself as the stable, balanced, and rational parent, despite his wife's despicable behavior. Give her zero ammunition. Left enough rope, this woman may just hang herself. 15 years of infidelity won't look good for her. But if his reactions are dramatic, she can quickly start being perceived as the victim and someone that needs to be protected.

[LoveMachine67]

Hey everyone, I apologize for not being able to post as often as I would like to. For obvious reasons I have been busier than the first few days.

 

Just to answer some questions quickly:

 

OBS and I are waiting until Monday to confront our WS's at their workplace to remove them off their pedestals that their company has put them on, and also for the element of surprise of a double confrontation. We have finally finished drafting up our legal strategies with our lawyer and we have both moved our assets so that our WS's can't touch them. I want full custody of my kids and OBS wants custody of her kids also.

 

I told my wife that things at work are not going so well, which is a little true, but not bad enough to make me actually feel anything, and that I wanted the weekend to ourselves just to "forget about it all". OBS told OM that she wanted to "spoil him this weekend". Luckily OBS and OM regularly send their kids to their grandparents, so no flags were raised of both our families sending our kids to their grandparents on the same weekend. It's happened in the past before for other reasons.

 

 

 

 

WW and I are having a good time together for the last time, everything is going great between us nothing unusual. I decided that i'm not faking it this weekend. I am extremely hurt but I still love this woman so so much those feelings don't just die overnight albeit me being technically in love with an illusion. I have temporarily forgiven her for the sake of this weekend, which is a shame because that shows me I am capable of forgiving her IF ONLY our relationship wasn't an illusion.

 

Popsicle your comment would have been plausible if I felt that our relationship wasn't an illusion. There is nothing that can be said or done by my WW that would convince me that our marriage wasn't an illusion. So even if i'm capable of forgiving her, I will never be able to trust her that what we have is REAL. As far as i'm concerned, even if she did all the right things after confrontation, I wouldn't be able to believe her that she means it. If I was stuck in a miserable sexless marriage prior to this and she did the right things, then perhaps I could make it work even if it was a 15 year LTA, because at least that would be real, but this... I just cannot take her back.

 

 

 

As for myself... i'm not doing so well emotionally and probably cognitively too. Since I have temporarily forgiven my WW I feel crazy like an actual lunatic that I am deciding to knowingly be in love with an illusion. I know my WW is most likely faking everything, but I am going along with it; lol what the hell right? I've lost it. She has done this to me. IC is going well though and your support is tremendously helping me get through this thank you all soooo much!

 

*tight group hug*

 

 

 

 

p.s merrmeade thank you for sticking up for me, while you may be correct in this regard, somehow these awful cruel full-colour (not color lol made me chuckle) projections about possible future scenarios that these other posters are posting are helping me realise the reality of everything. I am now more open minded to the fact that there are a lot of possible outcomes since I have only complete control of everything on my end.

 

 

 

 

p.s.s also i'm sorry if I haven't answered anybodies questions yet, there are so many posts to go through, so just repeat your question again on a new post if I missed it, that way I can keep track of the ones that are already answered and the ones that I missed.

 

p.s.s.s I don't live in the U.S that is correct.

 

 

Ten Characters

[66Charger]

OP, I understand why you would want to expose them at work. Their workplace was their house. This is where they talked, laughed, made plans and more than likely conceived. The workplace is their sanctuary. Even after dday, if they still have the workplace, they can have a place to breathe. Hell at home, but the workplace is their other home. So you want to detonate it also.

 

However if you think about it, that is a powerful card. If you play it on Monday, you have lost your leverage. You are male. You are also not the bio dad. If he ask for visitation, he may get it. Granted, you are the real Dad, but you need all the help/leverage/ bargaining chips etc. The OMW children are her own. She will be able to keep them easily. Your children are not hers.

 

Know what you are doing. Play that card when you need to. Not on Monday. Use any tool you have to protect your daughters, even blackmail. Be smart now.