Wife has been having a LTA for 15 years

[merrmeade]

I just hope he doesn't cut off his nose to spite his face. He may get some satisfaction out of this double confrontation. I think that's kinda unpredictable; we'll have to see. But I do think he runs a risk with this revenge-like behavior. I'd rather see him paint himself as the stable, balanced, and rational parent, despite his wife's despicable behavior. Give her zero ammunition. Left enough rope, this woman may just hang herself. 15 years of infidelity won't look good for her. But if his reactions are dramatic, she can quickly start being perceived as the victim and someone that needs to be protected.

What bh outlines is sounds important. It's a terrible but true tendency that some people need to blame the victim. Protect yourself from this and take the high road.

 

It is not too early to step back and take stock of the big picture that bh has begun sketching out. Nor is it too late to reprioritize your goals and revamp plans based on new information.

 

Where's the damn divorce attorney been in all this? Why hasn't he weighed in on these most practical and obvious considerations that bh and others have put together? Isn't it his freakin' job to point out possible consequences and options based on the client's stated interests (keeping his children), the laws of the country and judicial precedent? What's been advised so far?

 

So unless there's already a plan in place that promises custody as desired, sounds like OP must fast forward, skip closure (do it in IC),

[elaine567]

Few courts are going to grant sole custody to a father with infidelity as the sole basis. I'd think it's even less likely when it's revealed that he's not the bio father. I suppose it depends on how infidelity is viewed in your country.

 

Ultimately my point is that if your primary goal is sole custody, you've got an uphill battle in front of you. You have to play every card just right. You have no room for mistakes or emotional decisions. You're going to have to appear as the stable, non-emotional, responsible parent and she's going to have to look like a lunatic that can't be trusted with her kids.

I think this workplace confrontation isn't going to paint a good picture of you. Getting her fired isn't going to make you look like the one that prioritizes what's best for the children. What if this becomes a huge scene? What would be better is figuring out how you're going to reveal this to your children in the healthiest way possible. Personally, I couldn't care less when you do a confrontation with your wife. I think the best confrontation is done simply with divorce papers. Then you ask her to leave and you do the 180, only discussing shared financials, the divorce, and the kids.

 

 

I agree this workplace confrontation is madness and depending where he lives, it could end up being the talk of the town.

Fine, if this didn't involve the children and didn't involve the fact he is not the children's bio parent and they don't know that.

 

This could go viral in his kids school within minutes of the confrontation.

All it needs is for one parent at their work to know about it and to text another parent or even their own kid. What a great story to pass on.

How dreadful to find your dad is not your dad via a viral text at school...

[No Limit]

I agree this workplace confrontation is madness and depending where he lives, it could end up being the talk of the town.

 

That the WSes will be the talk of the town and met with a lot of animosity was inevitable after their first affair child. They've been deluding themselves for at least 15 years; if the reality hammer isn't going to get them out, nothing will.

 

How dreadful to find your dad is not your dad via a viral text at school...

 

OP intends to tell the kids personally.

 

He also wrote that he's fine financially, so I don't see the problem with confrontation at the workplace. Plus it's not like they can't get another job elsewhere.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

Pal,

 

Nothing about your immediate strategy is wise.

 

The workplace confrontation isn't a good idea. I've said so for days, and others have said so too.

 

You still are speculating about some very important points.

 

It's astonishing to me that your lawyer signed off on the double representation and this Monday confrontation plan.

 

This isn't a movie. Life doesn't follow a script. You're very sympathetic, but your approach and strategy leave a lot to be desired.

 

Why don't you just talk with your wife , tell her what you believe, and see what she says?

[elaine567]

OP intends to tell the kids personally.

 

OK, but if he tells them before the dramatic workplace confrontation they may alert their mother, and if he tells them after the work place confrontation, it may already be too late for them, as they will have found out elsewhere.

 

This is more about drama and revenge than thinking straight, logically and sensibly.

[No Limit]

OK, but if he tells them before the dramatic workplace confrontation they may alert their mother, and if he tells them after the work place confrontation, it may already be too late for them, as they will have found out elsewhere.

 

This is more about drama and revenge than thinking straight, logically and sensibly.

 

Of course there's revenge mixed in - and I highly doubt the mother will tell the kids. Personally I expect her to either do a quick leave or to beg OP not to tell them to safe face.

[elaine567]

Of course there's revenge mixed in - and I highly doubt the mother will tell the kids. Personally I expect her to either do a quick leave or to beg OP not to tell them to safe face.

 

I actually never mentioned the mother telling the kids, but I guess she probably would want to minimise the damage and speak to them IF she wants to take them with her when she goes.

It all depends on her personality whether she will want to save face or not and whether she will brazen this out or slink away.

[turnera]

I guarantee the mom will want - and expect - to keep the kids. Especially since she's in lurve with the OM and two of the kids are his. He won't ALLOW her to not keep them. We don't know how much he followed their lives, or whether he really even cared about them, but I can't see him letting OP just walk off with his progeny. Seems like a man thing to me.

 

That said, I don't remember seeing how old they are, but they are probably at least 10 or so, so the kids might be able to say who they want to live with, no matter WHAT the OP intends legally.

 

It just worries me that he seems to think he's got this all planned out, is even gleeful about it, when in reality he has far less control over the outcome than he thinks.

[BetrayedH]

I guarantee the mom will want - and expect - to keep the kids. Especially since she's in lurve with the OM and two of the kids are his. He won't ALLOW her to not keep them. We don't know how much he followed their lives, or whether he really even cared about them, but I can't see him letting OP just walk off with his progeny. Seems like a man thing to me.

 

That said, I don't remember seeing how old they are, but they are probably at least 10 or so, so the kids might be able to say who they want to live with, no matter WHAT the OP intends legally.

 

It just worries me that he seems to think he's got this all planned out, is even gleeful about it, when in reality he has far less control over the outcome than he thinks.

 

IIRC, there are three kids and the youngest was 10 or older.

[BetrayedH]

This is more about drama and revenge than thinking straight, logically and sensibly.

 

Yes. And while I don't begrudge the guy for wanting it, the courts are notorious for jealously representing the future best interests of the children. If the biological parents appear to be the more stable ones, they've got an advantage.

 

I also think that the OP does have to worry about a worst case scenario - that the bio parents get custody and the father on the birth certificate pays child support. It happens. And the support might be hefty if the bio mother is unemployed. When it comes to support, it commonly gets down to who has the ability to pay. The OP may not care about financials right now but I bet that opinion will change if she gets half the assets, both kids, child support, spousal support, and none of the debts. The OP could end up losing half of everything AND financing a good lifestyle for his exwife and her affair partner while they end up with "their" biological kids. I don't care how much money you have; that's a formula for a betrayed husband losing his freaking mind.

 

Screw the revenge drama. Get your head in the game.

[elaine567]

That said, I don't remember seeing how old they are, but they are probably at least 10 or so, so the kids might be able to say who they want to live with, no matter WHAT the OP intends legally.

 

It just worries me that he seems to think he's got this all planned out, is even gleeful about it, when in reality he has far less control over the outcome than he thinks.

 

That is my feeling too.

He is assuming all the kids are going to be on his side, when that may depend more on family dynamics, than what is perceived by him to be "right". Some young girls may naturally choose their mother, whatever she may have done.

Some may, but some may not want to live alone with their father, either.

 

I suggest he stop talking to the other BW, and start acting in his own interests here.

She, is in an entirely different situation, her kids are her kids. She will likely get custody, no sweat.

She may "gleefully" want her husband to lose his job but that may not pan out so well when she needs child maintenance and support off him.

 

If I were the OP I would get my own lawyer, not one constricted by having to please two differing agendas.

[BetrayedH]

What bh outlines is sounds important. It's a terrible but true tendency that some people need to blame the victim. Protect yourself from this and take the high road.

 

Yep. 8 months into trying to reconcile with my WW, I discovered a heinous on-line post she had made about her first encounter with the OM. It was graphic and made it clear that she'd been lying throughout out whole reconciliation. She wrote about how much she'd enjoyed the OM's larger member and how I'd never know how he'd taken her on our couch. I came home, dragged the couch into the backyard, set it ablaze, and then proceeded to carry her out the front door. She fell when I dropped her at the front step and scraped her hand when she caught herself. I was arrested for simple assault. I had court-ordered "no contact" with the "victim." It took me about 6 weeks to establish a new residence such that I could house the kids and have 50/50 custody. It took me six months to complete a pre-trial diversion program and clear up the criminal charges. There's no conviction but I've routinely had to explain my arrest to volunteer organizations and employers. It'll follow me forever.

 

Most people who read what she wrote have said that she's lucky I didn't burn the couch in the house with her in it. But all of the moral outrage got me nowhere. In fact, the only time I even spoke with a judge was when I was arraigned and made my plea. I never even got to tell anyone my story. No one cared about any infidelity. My wife was the victim; I was the defendant. And I got six months of anger management, tons of fines, and deadlines to meet on paperwork with inflexible government agencies.

 

Obviously, your confrontation (probably) won't be as dramatic as my couch-burning, wife-tossing event. Of course, who really knows? But I think you'd be wise to consider how quickly your wife can become the victim. Right now, YOU are the victim and you have the moral high ground. Don't give it up.

[BetrayedH]

It is not too early to step back and take stock of the big picture that bh has begun sketching out. Nor is it too late to reprioritize your goals and revamp plans based on new information.

 

Yes, he can reprioritize. It's not too late. Even if he just rethinks how to deal with the kids and to keep his cool during the confrontation, it's worth additional thought.

 

skip closure (do it in IC),

 

Agreed. This confrontation is not going to bring closure. Nor are any words from his wife. Any satisfaction is going to be fleeting. Closure comes from within.

[Hope Shimmers]

Yep. 8 months into trying to reconcile with my WW, I discovered a heinous on-line post she had made about her first encounter with the OM. It was graphic and made it clear that she'd been lying throughout out whole reconciliation. She wrote about how much she'd enjoyed the OM's larger member and how I'd never know how he'd taken her on our couch. I came home, dragged the couch into the backyard, set it ablaze, and then proceeded to carry her out the front door. She fell when I dropped her at the front step and scraped her hand when she caught herself. I was arrested for simple assault. I had court-ordered "no contact" with the "victim." It took me about 6 weeks to establish a new residence such that I could house the kids and have 50/50 custody. It took me six months to complete a pre-trial diversion program and clear up the criminal charges. There's no conviction but I've routinely had to explain my arrest to volunteer organizations and employers. It'll follow me forever.

 

Most people who read what she wrote have said that she's lucky I didn't burn the couch in the house with her in it. But all of the moral outrage got me nowhere. In fact, the only time I even spoke with a judge was when I was arraigned and made my plea. I never even got to tell anyone my story. No one cared about any infidelity. My wife was the victim; I was the defendant. And I got six months of anger management, tons of fines, and deadlines to meet on paperwork with inflexible government agencies.

 

Jeez BetrayedH. That is horrible. What a witch.

 

I think you should have thrown her harder - made it worth your while.

[beach]

I'm not sure I'd want to be present at the workplace.

 

Having them both served at work, yes please. Having her return to the house after? No thank you.

 

Watching it all unfold at work...? Looks like no value in that except a huge scene.

 

 

I think I'd rather stay away from the drama that's likely to ensue when they are served at work.

 

What's the plan for after she's served OP? Do you have a place lined up for where she is to go? Or are you planning for her to return to the home?

[Morro72]

I wouldn't know how to even begin to plan for this sort of thing. Two people whose reactions you can neither control nor predict, on their home turf (which you certainly don't control). The only thing you've got going for you is surprise, but that will last maybe a millisecond - as has been pointed out, they've had a lot of time to think this through.

 

Good luck. I really mean that, but it sure looks like you're going to need it.

[autumnnight]

I'm not sure I'd want to be present at the workplace.

 

Having them both served at work, yes please. Having her return to the house after? No thank you.

 

Watching it all unfold at work...? Looks like no value in that except a huge scene.

 

 

I think I'd rather stay away from the drama that's likely to ensue when they are served at work.

 

What's the plan for after she's served OP? Do you have a place lined up for where she is to go? Or are you planning for her to return to the home?

 

 

I am only guessing, but I am thinking the kind of person who cheats for 15 years and says and does some of the things this WW has probably has an entitlement, above it all streak a mile wide.

 

SHE is probably going to come straight home, she will plant herself there and refuse to budge, and she will probably try some defamation crap. She will also collude with this crap OM to try to get the kids that share his crap DNA.

 

That is what people who have a LIFE PATTERN of long term cake eating do. They think they deserve it all.

[drifter777]

BH - your WW is lucky she married a calm, thoughtful, rational man. With all you had to endure during your false R and then discover her disgusting post I think I would have perpetrated much more violence then you did. And I don't thing the legal ramifications would have been any different. DVA is DVA whether you push or punch in my state.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Yep. 8 months into trying to reconcile with my WW, I discovered a heinous on-line post she had made about her first encounter with the OM. It was graphic and made it clear that she'd been lying throughout out whole reconciliation. She wrote about how much she'd enjoyed the OM's larger member and how I'd never know how he'd taken her on our couch. I came home, dragged the couch into the backyard, set it ablaze, and then proceeded to carry her out the front door. She fell when I dropped her at the front step and scraped her hand when she caught herself. I was arrested for simple assault. I had court-ordered "no contact" with the "victim." It took me about 6 weeks to establish a new residence such that I could house the kids and have 50/50 custody. It took me six months to complete a pre-trial diversion program and clear up the criminal charges. There's no conviction but I've routinely had to explain my arrest to volunteer organizations and employers. It'll follow me forever.

 

Most people who read what she wrote have said that she's lucky I didn't burn the couch in the house with her in it. But all of the moral outrage got me nowhere. In fact, the only time I even spoke with a judge was when I was arraigned and made my plea. I never even got to tell anyone my story. No one cared about any infidelity. My wife was the victim; I was the defendant. And I got six months of anger management, tons of fines, and deadlines to meet on paperwork with inflexible government agencies.

 

Obviously, your confrontation (probably) won't be as dramatic as my couch-burning, wife-tossing event. Of course, who really knows? But I think you'd be wise to consider how quickly your wife can become the victim. Right now, YOU are the victim and you have the moral high ground. Don't give it up.

 

 

If you're in America, I'm surprised that you didn't get charged with arson or some other BS charge for the couch. America's judicial system is a joke. It's not a big surprise that the scum leos or DA charged you with a crime.

 

 

You should look at getting your arrest expunged.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

That is my feeling too.

He is assuming all the kids are going to be on his side, when that may depend more on family dynamics, than what is perceived by him to be "right". Some young girls may naturally choose their mother, whatever she may have done.

 

...

 

If I were the OP I would get my own lawyer, not one constricted by having to please two differing agendas.

The OP is very sympathetic, but as I have said for days, he insists that he "knows" things to be true where there's really just a lot of speculation.

 

He's written a script about how this is going to go down, but he doesn't "know" how it will pan out.

 

I think he's just being irrational at this point. Understandably so. But irrational.

 

As for the lawyer, that dual representation deal smelled from the get-go. I still can't believe any attorney worth his or her salt would go along with this. If two clients came to me with this story, I'd tell them to gather as much info as we could and while I could ethically represent one, I can not represent both.

 

The OP seems to be well off financially. He should be able to afford a better lawyer than one that has a storefront in a mall and a brand new law degree from Cooley.

 

This whole episode just isn't passing the smell test with me.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

I wouldn't know how to even begin to plan for this sort of thing. Two people whose reactions you can neither control nor predict, on their home turf (which you certainly don't control). The only thing you've got going for you is surprise, but that will last maybe a millisecond - as has been pointed out, they've had a lot of time to think this through.

 

Good luck. I really mean that, but it sure looks like you're going to need it.

During grad school a married woman in class had taken up with a fellow classmate. Her hubby caught them in the act and for a flabby middle aged guy, mustered his courage and put his hands on boyfriend.

 

It seemed like a good idea at the time, I suppose, but the boyfriend didn't take too kindly to it. The story as I heard it goes that boyfriend was incensed to be interrupted and that hubby put his hands on him, that he felt 'disrespected,' and what followed was a quick, one sided beating.

 

I suspect that the script that the hubby had imagined didn't go that way. Being righteous doesn't mean you win the fight. This poor guy got beat up in his own home by a nude guy.

 

I raise this to underscore your point. You can't predict how people will react.

 

Just find out if your wife did it and if she wants to be with the other guy, and then decide what legal steps you're going to take. And that's it. He's not the first guy this happened to, he's not the last.

 

I still insist that the worst thing he could do to them both is let the OM have her, act a little relieved about it, and move on. She'll always wonder why he was so relieved, and he will always wonder why you just let him have the "prize" without even being distressed.

 

That's a time bomb set for the couple.

[Taintedsoul78]

Long time reader and made an account to comment. This has to be the worst case of betrayal I have ever seen. I was floored reading this.

 

Let them be together. That is the best karma. My ex had an affair for 10 months. I had no clue. I thought she was his mom's friend (mom knew what was going on). When I discovered the affair, I packed my kids up and left.

 

One year later he married her and I met my husband. Four years later I am happily married with a wonderful man who is raising my ex's kids because ex can't be bothered.

 

My ex and his "wife" are a Jerry Springer episode. He had two MORE children outside the marriage. Been caught cheating with multiple women. Last one was 19 years old (he is 38).

 

Trust me. Sit back and watch the train wreck that is coming.

[BetrayedH]

Jeez BetrayedH. That is horrible. What a witch.

 

I think you should have thrown her harder - made it worth your while.

 

While I appreciate the empathy, nah. I had no intentions of my wife being injured. I just wanted her OUT. While I don't have remorse for her minor injury, I have regret due to the consequences. Wish I'd been smarter, which is what I'm advising the OP.

[Hope Shimmers]

While I appreciate the empathy, nah. I had no intentions of my wife being injured. I just wanted her OUT. While I don't have remorse for her minor injury, I have regret due to the consequences. Wish I'd been smarter, which is what I'm advising the OP.

 

Oh, I know. You're too good of a guy for that.

 

I was being facetious. (Kind of.... )

 

And I agree with your message.

[merrmeade]

The OPs have used their one advantage—knowledge, which the APs don't know they have yet—to plan the workplace ambush. As I recall, they tried to move quickly to reduce the risk of early exposure by either of the BSs.

 

Now, there is LS consternation that the short-term gains (retribution?) of the surprise public exposé might compromise the long-term goal of gaining custody of the kids.

 

And HERE may be the rub: conflict of interest between the OPs. BW does not have the same vulnerability regarding custody concerns that you have. Intent to damage her BH's reputation and career through public exposure has less potential to backfire on her during custody deliberations. One of possibly many reasons not to share the attorney.

 

The OPs' pact to act in unison sounds tight, so probably nothing will change before Monday. There's less privacy between spouses with being childless this weekend, so don't try to call or text BW over the weekend. That's how you caught her, remember? Think like a cheater: Unless you plan when or how you can be in touch without raising suspicion, you risk discovery.

 

Talk to BW first thing Monday morning. Tell her you've been getting advice online and realize you need more info to support your custody objectives, which you will not compromise. Ask her to wait, so you can talk to the lawyer about your custody concerns. Tell her you will not risk the fallout from exposing your wife.

 

If she decides to go ahead with exposure, you will then be dealing with the consequences of that action. You would simply have to be honest with everyone—WW, judge, kids—that you realized this action was not in the best interest of your children's welfare and happiness even though you helped plan it.

 

I think from here on out, your basis for action and decisions must be whatever is in the best interest of your children's welfare and happiness. It's not just a legal position. You need to be the good father, man and human being you already are; it is not an act. Focusing your heart AND mind there will be a big help to your own recovery.

Edited June 13, 2015 by merrmeade