Wife has been having a LTA for 15 years

[BetrayedH]

If you're in America, I'm surprised that you didn't get charged with arson or some other BS charge for the couch. America's judicial system is a joke. It's not a big surprise that the scum leos or DA charged you with a crime.

 

You should look at getting your arrest expunged.

 

Fortunately, my timing was good enough to make my burn a legal one. As for the arrest, my attorney said he thought that assault was one of the few arrests that can't be expunged in my state and a few years of a clean record would have to occur first regardless. It's been over 3 years now so I should look into it again (and I'm finally in a stable financial situation after the divorce that might permit some expenditure on an attorney) but I suspect it's permanent, which is another reason it's a cautionary tale. What's worse is the mugshot that shows up on google. It's easily the worst photo that could ever be taken of me. That's likely permanent, too. Maybe I can petition google if I get the record expunged. Sucks.

 

There are consequences for emotional decisions, regardless of how unfair they might be.

[merrmeade]

BW does not have the same vulnerability regarding custody concerns that you have. Intent to damage her BH's reputation and career through public exposure has less potential to backfire on her during custody deliberations. One of possibly many reasons not to share the attorney.

Intent to damage her BH's reputation and career ... should be

Intent to damage her WH's reputation and career ...

Any others look wrong they probably are. Some kind of acronym dyslexia...

[lifedestroyed]

Just wanted to quickly mention that we live in fault divorce area. As another poster mentioned before, privacy is indeed difficult this weekend, I am keeping my posting on LS and communicating with OBS minimal.

 

Victory is on the way guys, I feel it!

 

Edit: just to add, thanks to all of you for your contributions, be it law or logistical or emotional help I appreciate it all thank you keep posting. Every once in a while I sneak on here to read your posts, they are keeping me going. Much love!

Edited June 14, 2015 by lifedestroyed

[66Charger]

Victory? What is the matter with you? Victory for who? Something is not right here.

[lifedestroyed]

Victory? What is the matter with you? Victory for who? Something is not right here.

 

Legal victory... surely I could not have meant anything else could I?

[Noirek]

Legal victory... surely I could not have meant anything else could I?

 

Are you Canadian?

[merrmeade]

Legal victory... surely I could not have meant anything else could I?

How do you know this already? What constitutes a victory?

[Trimmer]

I still insist that the worst thing he could do to them both is let the OM have her, act a little relieved about it, and move on. She'll always wonder why he was so relieved, and he will always wonder why you just let him have the "prize" without even being distressed.

 

That's a time bomb set for the couple.

 

Trust me. Sit back and watch the train wreck that is coming.

 

I agree with the comments above. In the long run, what is the better choice: (a) attack them aggressively and give them a common enemy, drive them into each other's arms, and give them a reason to bond and an outside element to blame for their troubles, or (b) go the legal-only "don't care" route, have them sitting there saying "what the hell just happened?" and let their lives fizzle into the inevitable mess.

 

Look, either way, I bet they are headed for the train wreck, but won't it be more fitting to let them fly the airplane into the mountain themselves?

 

Finally, while I maintain that you have every right to lash out aggressively and take no prisoners, do a little self-reflection. Who are you? Who do you want to be?

 

Victory is on the way guys, I feel it!

Just to reiterate the famous maxim, mentioned earlier: "No battle plan survives first contact with the enemy." While we are maintaining the militaristic metaphor, remember that your children are potential "collateral damage."

 

It's already been pointed out one way your kids may get mixed up in this (you tell them early and they let slip to your WW, and scuttle your careful plan, vs you wait to tell them, cause a big dramatic scene, and they hear it via the viral grapevine first...) It's subsequently been suggested that neither of these are very likely, sure, but if your children are really your top priority and your main focus, are you willing to expose them to even that risk, for the sake of making your big splash?

 

Focus, focus, focus, on your long term goal. Reflect: what is it? To have custody of your kids to the maximum degree possible, and to untangle yourself from your WW's life. Making the big dramatic splash does NOTHING to move you closer to that goal, and in fact, arguably has non-zero risks, in a number of areas, of impeding progress toward that goal.

 

You are hurt, cornered, and about to lash out. We all get it. I just hope you manage to maintain the prospects of achieving your sensible long term goals without messing anything up, and without hurting your children, because your current plan has risks associated with both of those areas.

[fellini]

“He who seeks vengeance must dig two graves: one for his enemy & one for himself.”

 

Aside from that, anything anyone can say about pushing these WS's together is just conjecture.

 

They are two separate people, and how each of them deals with their respective DDAY is completely up for grabs. We know nothing of the chemistry between them. We have no idea of what has passed between them other than the obvious result of their activities.

 

As some good writers about the effects of infidelity have said, sometimes a WS will move in with an AP (if its possible) in order to validate the meaning of the affair. Whether it lasts or not is not the point. Some do not. Some try and fail, others don't want to. Some cut themselves off completely (including future dating) in hopes to "prove" to the divorcing BS that they want back in (Compare the story of Sophie in LS for example, or look at the one in the past where a BH gave his WW 3 years, and she married within 2 weeks of him giving up, or yet another that ended with the WW on drugs, pills, and ultimately committed suicide. All stories on LS.)

 

OP cannot, in spite of any attempt he might make, DETERMINE HISTORY. Only HIS story. Everyone has the capacity to pull themselves out of whatever sh-tstorm they got themselves, or find themselves in, including the OP, including his WW. Including the AP of his WW, and including the BW of the AP)

 

Everyone will eventually find a way to move on and find happiness. If that is what they want. There is no revenge, ultimately.

Edited June 14, 2015 by fellini

[elaine567]

I think this is all a bit reminiscent of a death in the family.

The death occurs, all are very shocked, then planning the funeral kicks in and it is then all about the funeral, the funeral planning is often a bit of a release from the immediate grief and shock.

All see the funeral as something to get over and something that will somehow draw a line under the terrible event.

BUT, the funeral is just the start of the grief, the bereaved go home to an empty house and and empty chair...

 

The OP is deluding himself - victory????

[eric1]

Given his wife has been in love with someone else and has had his children, I think OP is warranted a small measure of feelings of score evening.

 

Personally I'd have killed her boyfriend and have been writing this in jail right now

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

Just wanted to quickly mention that we live in fault divorce area. As another poster mentioned before, privacy is indeed difficult this weekend, I am keeping my posting on LS and communicating with OBS minimal.

 

Victory is on the way guys, I feel it!!

 

No idea what you are talking about. It's maturity time, son.

[aliveagain]

Usually an "Alienation of Affection" suit is hard to win in Court, having DNA proof that your two daughters are his should make that a lot easier to do. Regardless, it should give you leverage when you negotiate for custody and a property settlement with your wife. This is another reason not to share a lawyer with his betrayed wife, she will be directly effected financially by the outcome of such a suit. There is no winner when it comes to infidelity, everyone looses something. Stay strong, just one more sleep.

[BetrayedH]

I think this is all a bit reminiscent of a death in the family.

The death occurs, all are very shocked, then planning the funeral kicks in and it is then all about the funeral, the funeral planning is often a bit of a release from the immediate grief and shock.

All see the funeral as something to get over and something that will somehow draw a line under the terrible event.

BUT, the funeral is just the start of the grief, the bereaved go home to an empty house and and empty chair...

 

The OP is deluding himself - victory????

 

It was certainly an odd thing to read. In my situation, I was overwhelmed at the fact that it was a no-win situation. Staying, leaving, fighting, revenge, rugsweeping - they were all a big net loss. I never once felt anything akin to victory, especially with kids. There is no winning. Even revenge on the OM would have been fruitless - the man had been bedding my wife; he'd already won.

[BetrayedH]

Usually an "Alienation of Affection" suit is hard to win in Court, having DNA proof that your two daughters are his should make that a lot easier to do. Regardless, it should give you leverage when you negotiate for custody and a property settlement with your wife. This is another reason not to share a lawyer with his betrayed wife, she will be directly effected financially by the outcome of such a suit. There is no winner when it comes to infidelity, everyone looses something. Stay strong, just one more sleep.

 

Alienation of affection laws are still on the books in my state. And while I may have been able to prove it (my wife was remarkably careful never to use the OM's name in writing), my lawyer made it clear that I'd spend far more on his fees than I would ever get from a successful lawsuit. He was still willing to go there if I wanted and said that other BSs he'd represented had insisted on doing so "out of principle."

 

And yes, the conflict of interest issue here is quite something. If the OP seeks an alienation of affection suit, it negatively affects his other client. If he seeks back child support, it does the same.

[LifesontheUp]

I think I understand exactly why LD is doing this. While it wouldn't be my choice on how to handle it, lest not forget this betrayal has been 15 yrs long and he has been bringing up the OM's children.

 

Sorry but that is utterly despicable. Both the wife and OM should be served at work - so that it all is out in the open. Whatever falls out falls out. Lets be fair they haven't given a flying damn about LD in the last 15 yrs, if they had they'd would have at least told him that he was bringing up somebody elses kids. Indeed how despicable to the kids knowing that they are not LD's and even talking about it via email.

 

I don't think that LD has a hope in hell of getting sole custody, and he likely knows that.

 

Lets cut the guy some slack here and remember that it has been 15 yrs of deceit his wife and OM deserve to be outed and why not at work where they have obviously been carrying on.

 

Wish you luck LD, I'm so sorry this has happened.

[Buckeye2]

If money isn’t an issue I agree with having them served at work as long as (as planned) the paternity issue is put off until a later time. The kids should deal with only one life changing event at a time.

 

 

WWand I are having a good time together for the last time, everything is going great between us nothing unusual. I decided that i'm not faking it this weekend. I am extremely hurt but I still love this woman so so much. Those feelings don't just die overnight albeit me being technically in love with an illusion.

 

 

I think it’s very interesting that the OP is able to have a nice romantic weekend with his WW. After Dday BSs swing back a forth between loving their WS and hateing them. The WS looks and sounds like the person they loved but then the BS remembers what they did. It’s like the movie “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.”

 

 

“In San Francisco, a group of people discover the human race is being replaced one by one, with clones devoid of emotion.”

 

 

If your STBXW asks how can you divorce me after spending such a wonderful weekend together, just say that you were saying goodbye to the woman you loved. Then you can see her clone in court.

Edited June 14, 2015 by Buckeye2

[BetrayedH]

I think I understand exactly why LD is doing this. While it wouldn't be my choice on how to handle it, lest not forget this betrayal has been 15 yrs long and he has been bringing up the OM's children.

 

Sorry but that is utterly despicable. Both the wife and OM should be served at work - so that it all is out in the open. Whatever falls out falls out. Lets be fair they haven't given a flying damn about LD in the last 15 yrs, if they had they'd would have at least told him that he was bringing up somebody elses kids. Indeed how despicable to the kids knowing that they are not LD's and even talking about it via email.

 

I don't think that LD has a hope in hell of getting sole custody, and he likely knows that.

 

Lets cut the guy some slack here and remember that it has been 15 yrs of deceit his wife and OM deserve to be outed and why not at work where they have obviously been carrying on.

 

Wish you luck LD, I'm so sorry this has happened.

 

Sure it's despicable. And yes, the APs do deserve to be exposed. And if their affair results in their discharge from work, they deserve it.

 

I just don't want to see the OP pay for that. I've seen how the math works in a divorce. If she has no income and he has income, guess where the money comes from to support the wife and kids during the divorce. And the same thing may happen with the other betrayed spouse. If the two betrayed spouses end up supporting both wayward spouses (especially if the wayward ends up with the kids), then the waywards aren't getting what they deserve at all. And the satisfaction gained from the confrontation will be short-lived (if it is satisfying at all).

[turnera]

As far as working goes, nowadays it seems more likely that any judge will look at her earning CAPACITY, rather than whether she currently has a job, when determining support, so I doubt he'd get dinged in that regard. That said, I really really think his wife's company is going to support her and kick HIM off the premises like a dog with his tail between his legs.

 

We'll find out tomorrow.

[merrmeade]

“He who seeks vengeance must dig two graves: one for his enemy & one for himself.”

 

Aside from that, anything anyone can say about pushing these WS's together is just conjecture.

 

They are two separate people, and how each of them deals with their respective DDAY is completely up for grabs. We know nothing of the chemistry between them. We have no idea of what has passed between them other than the obvious result of their activities.

 

As some good writers about the effects of infidelity have said, sometimes a WS will move in with an AP (if its possible) in order to validate the meaning of the affair. Whether it lasts or not is not the point. Some do not. Some try and fail, others don't want to. Some cut themselves off completely (including future dating) in hopes to "prove" to the divorcing BS that they want back in (Compare the story of Sophie in LS for example, or look at the one in the past where a BH gave his WW 3 years, and she married within 2 weeks of him giving up, or yet another that ended with the WW on drugs, pills, and ultimately committed suicide. All stories on LS.)

 

OP cannot, in spite of any attempt he might make, DETERMINE HISTORY. Only HIS story. Everyone has the capacity to pull themselves out of whatever sh-tstorm they got themselves, or find themselves in, including the OP, including his WW. Including the AP of his WW, and including the BW of the AP)

 

Everyone will eventually find a way to move on and find happiness. If that is what they want. There is no revenge, ultimately.

Wow, fellini, that's already made my day. It's like an Epilogue to the Infidelity forum and worth reading again and again and again. Especially

“He who seeks vengeance must dig two graves: one for his enemy & one for himself.”

 

OP cannot, in spite of any attempt he might make, DETERMINE HISTORY. Only HIS story. Everyone has the capacity to pull themselves out...

 

Everyone will eventually find a way to move on and find happiness. If that is what they want. There is no revenge, ultimately.

[BetrayedH]

As far as working goes, nowadays it seems more likely that any judge will look at her earning CAPACITY, rather than whether she currently has a job, when determining support, so I doubt he'd get dinged in that regard. That said, I really really think his wife's company is going to support her and kick HIM off the premises like a dog with his tail between his legs.

 

We'll find out tomorrow.

 

It is true that many judges look at the ability of the spouse to support themselves. That may be a saving grace if she's terminated.

 

As for being terminated, unless there's a direct reporting relationship between the two of them (I don't recall the OP addressing this), then I think terminations are unlikely.

[No Limit]

Big day tomorrow!

 

I'll attempt to prepare you a little for the aftershock of the fallout. Make sure to share this with the OBS as well, she'll need it because as a woman she's more emotional-sided and therefore more likely to be manipulated by her bastard-husband.

 

First off, make sure today is a quiet, relaxing day for you, because it will be your last for the next few weeks to come and it will cost you all your energy reserves to keep going.

 

Now, after the confrontation with both WSes, hell will break loose. Your wife will cry, she will scream, she will throw insults, she will come up with excuses which blame you to justify her actions. Whatever she says - know that her affair is her own doing because of herself and her own issues, it never had anything to do with you. Your phone will ring nonstop as well, so better get a ringtone that doesn't annoy you too much.

 

Also make sure you expose to family and friends. If your in-laws indeed had no clue about her LTA, they too will blow up your phone begging you to keep her (because frankly, they know she'll remain single after this one - introducing the kids to a new BF by saying "this here is my kid from my marriage, these two from my affair" isn't attractive to a man these days). Once that fails they might become more hostile, so keep your guard up at all times you are communicating with people from "team ex" until the divorce is finalized.

 

Now, in all this mayhem, the real victims - the children. Therapy, therapy, therapy. And make sure to let them know you still love them, that your feelings never changed for them. That YOU are their father, not the biological sperm donor. If your wife is unstable around them, make sure you have a voice recorder with you. Her screaming bloody murder around the kids will skyrocket your chances of custody.

 

And the final chapter - blackmail.

Someone stuck in so much crap like your STBX is indeed little more than an unpredictable mess. Should she try the "stay with me or else I'll commit suicide" trick - stay firm. Call her parents and inform them, and let them deal with it. If she continues threats like these, call emergency and let professionals handle her. You are not responsible for her anymore.

 

Also, make sure your behavior matches the boundaries you intend to establish. No intercourse, kissing, hand holding or any other intimate stuff. No "How was your day sweetie?", nothing. Civility, nothing else. You may start with amicable communication after the divorce is finalized, but until then refrain from doing so - the danger of your STBX attempting to manipulate you is too great (and she will, so make sure you don't fall for anything; tricks like jumping naked into the shower with you and so on - NEVER fall for this).

 

The same rules apply to OBS.

Edited June 14, 2015 by No Limit

[fireflywy]

Too bad you didn't see this sooner. I'm sure if you had, and she had posted here, you checking up on her would have been considered you being "controlling" and that it is OKAY for her to have male friends. (Thinking of a recent thread here)

 

Seriously though, I feel for you. This is horrible.

[turnera]

OP, if you check in today, will you let us know what the REST of your plan is? The plan for what's going to happen after the big aha moment? Will you have her bags packed and on the porch? Yours? Are you calling her folks and siblings as you walk out the door of her company (I sure hope so!) so they hear from you first? (people believe the FIRST person they hear from) What are your plans for shielding the kids from the fallout - did you arrange for them to sleep at their grandparents's house for a couple days so they don't have to see whatever happens? Has your lawyer firmed up exactly where the kids are going/not going tomorrow - i.e., has he looked at all possibilities and protected your access to your kids?

 

There's a fair chance she is going to freak out, blame everything on you, call the cops on you, and have you escorted from the house, citing abuse, and whatever you cooked up with your lawyer will fly out the window.

 

And, since her lover's getting kicked out, too, she will move him into YOUR HOUSE. And once he's in there, from what I've heard, you won't be able to move him out. So what does your lawyer have prepared for THAT?

 

Just saying...you need to do more thought about what happens AFTER the big reveal than DURING it, because THAT is what's going to determine how your life pans out for the next few years.

 

Not to mention how it's going to affect your kids.

Edited June 14, 2015 by turnera

[sandylee1]

LD

I just wanted to say good luck for tomorrow , however you decide to proceed. I just can't understand why people are this nasty in their attempts to defraud and deceive a person they claim to love.

 

No responsible parent would do this to their child or children. This is what makes a cheater a bad parent, as the result of her cheating is going to turn your daughters world upside down. That is so very sad . I really hope this is considered during your custody hearings.

 

She has effectively denied the girls a relationship with their biological father , to cover her (and OMs) backsides.

 

I'm sending you all the strength I can for tomorrow. Keep as calm as you can and don't loose it at her workplace or you'll have the police called.

 

My heart goes out to you honestly. This is a devastating situation to be in.