elaine567 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 The kids should be his priority here not some half-baked revenge scheme. He is so focused on retribution that he is not seeing what this will do to his kids. He can put the kids away, but all have phones these days and will be in direct contact with their mom and their friends and relatives. This public shaming may seem like a good idea, but imagine going to school when everyone knows about it, including the fact your dad is not your dad... I am not sure I could forgive my "dad" for that, especially as he appears to have made no plans to tell them before the work "shaming". It may even throw them into the arms of their real dad or leave them hating both their parents. 10,14,17 are difficult ages anyway to get through This is all about revenge and not about thinking seriously re the kids welfare here and long term mental health. I also guess any work place worth its salt, will kick the OP and the BW out on their ear, if they bulldoze in. They are a threat to the smooth running of the place. If the OP thinks they will be hailed as heroes and will see the APs being thrown out and disgraced, he has another thing coming. There will be procedures to follow and I doubt having an affair for 15 years, whilst plodding along in the workplace for all these years, is really grounds for termination. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Given his wife has been in love with someone else and has had his children, I think OP is warranted a small measure of feelings of score evening. Personally I'd have killed her boyfriend and have been writing this in jail right now And your children would have NO father. Honestly, and I am sure this won't go over well, I'm not sure the best place for the kids is with a man who cannot see past his own rage to THEIR well-being and stability. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I completely agree with you. And I wasn't suggesting that extreme. My point is just that with all of the mistakes that he could make that this one wouldn't be a top ten. He's engaged a lawyer, isnt blame my himself and is executing on a plan. That already puts him in the top ten percent of BS plans by my measure. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I completely agree with you. And I wasn't suggesting that extreme. My point is just that with all of the mistakes that he could make that this one wouldn't be a top ten. He's engaged a lawyer, isnt blame my himself and is executing on a plan. That already puts him in the top ten percent of BS plans by my measure. True, I very much admire the way the OP isn't hand wringing and whining about how to "get her back." He has been decisive, which is a big thing to be proud of. I know the courts don't always take affairs into account, but the level and length of knowing deception here....I cannot imagine a judge not caring about that. That is why I hope the OP doesn't allow his anger to mess up anything. I would love to see him get at least 50/50 and full custody of his biological daughter. Actually, I'd love for him to get primary custody of all 3, but the whole "DNA is best" crap will probably prevent that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 In so far as any action taken is LEGAL, I think most people would excuse and mitigate what LD does here. Just imagine knowing you've: Been at the birth of the girls Had your family come over celebrating their births Had your parents thinking they are grandparents to them Had your siblings fooled that they were aunts /uncles Had sleepless nights with these girls as babies Taken them to doctors and dentist appointments Watched their school performances Taught them to ride a bike Taken them swimming Been on family vacations The list is endless and I honestly think it's too much of an ask expecting LD to serve her and walk away calmly. Unless you've been in the situation, you really can't know how awful it is. Think of everything a BS feels with a standard affair , then add in the long term element..15 years of lies , then on top of all that she's had another man's kid twice! Just think, there LD was probably taking care of his pregnant wife , giving her neck and foot massages and she was carrying an affair child.....yeah...I'd be mad too and simply serving divorce papers doesn't cut it. Frankly, not wanting revenge would be abnormal in this situation. Protect the kids.......but go ahead with any revenge you see fit as she deserves everything she gets and more. Whatever she gets, is as a result of her selfish , immoral behaviour and she and she alone (along with OM) have to take 100% of the RESPONSIBILITY for whatever damage these children suffer. It's ALL ON THEM. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I know without a shadow of a doubt it's the OM's children as I have reviewed the thousand odd emails between them dating back at least 10 years. It's apparent that they both know it's his children, and he has asked her on numerous emails "how are my girls doing?" etc. sorry I missed mentioning that before, and I did mention the other 2 look a little like the OM if you look hard enough but mostly their mother. It makes me literally throw up when I read their emails, I don't even know why I re-read them in my spare time. I'm seeing the full picture of their deception and how they laughed at both myself and the other BS all this time. I am going to send a usb with all the emails to OM wife asap. At lunch I only showed her the key emails that showed obvious infidelity plus the DNA test results. She didn't doubt my evidence, she was upset and didn't say much mostly cried. As I said before we are now both working together lining our ducks in a row and having a confrontation at the same time at their work place. I spoke with my lawyer and wow it is a sticky legal situation as many of you have mentioned. As for me getting the DNA samples of my kids it wasn't that hard while they were asleep. I'm so furious at all this, I really want to have full custody of the kids and take them away from both of them! I will do whatever it takes to get my revenge, I assure you LS, justice is absolute I will no longer be a cuckhold provider to this manipulative whore. Before anyone says anything about using kids as revenge, please spare me, they were both happy to use their kids to get money off me it's only fair that I have legal custody over them I don't care if they give me money from OM to compensate for it, I don't need their money, I want my kids..... they are all I have I would still sue for fraud from both your wife and her OM! You can't let them get away with this as this would send a very clear message to them and other cheaters out there: There's no consequences for your actions! They MUST face real consequences to their actions! You may be able to sue the OM because you were raising HIS children without your knowledge! GET A VERY GOOD LAWYER! Go scorched earth on them BOTH! Plus, DROP HER ASS HARD! She's played you for a patsy! In any case, because the girls are not yours, you probably won't get custody, but, I don't know about that one though. (I don't know their ages, teens often get to choose who they want to live with. It may not always be the case!) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Mind of Shazam Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 The kids should be his priority here not some half-baked revenge scheme. He is so focused on retribution that he is not seeing what this will do to his kids. ... This is all about revenge and not about thinking seriously re the kids welfare here and long term mental health. ... If the OP thinks they will be hailed as heroes and will see the APs being thrown out and disgraced, he has another thing coming. I find the OP very sympathetic but his judgment is severely impaired. Half baked is right. And serious thinking isn't on the menu. He should take some time to cool off and handle this like a mature adult. This plan just sucks. Period. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Mind of Shazam Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Frankly, not wanting revenge would be abnormal in this situation. The best revenge is serving her with divorce papers, and just treat this very matter of factly and letting boyfriend have his prize all to himself. He's enjoyed the fun 10% of the relationship, let him choke on the other 90%. Same with her. She gets 100% of her boyfriend, now. Act relieved. Don't put up a fight. She will go nuts wondering why he was relived, and boyfriend will wonder why he didn't have a fight on his hands over his "prize." It's very easy to resist someone else's idea. It's almost impossible to resist your own idea. Put them in a position where they won't be able to resist their own ideas about the breakup. That's revenge. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Protect the kids.......but go ahead with any revenge you see fit as she deserves everything she gets and more. Whatever she gets, is as a result of her selfish , immoral behaviour and she and she alone (along with OM) have to take 100% of the RESPONSIBILITY for whatever damage these children suffer. It's ALL ON THEM. You may think that. But the children may not and neither may the courts. Intelligent BS have said why such an action could most definetly be harmful to the whole thing. Adding gasoline to a fire if something like this were to happen. Not all "legal" actions are viewed as beneficial actions. There would be no victory because just serving someone is the start of the battle. No competent lawyer would want their client doing this which means the person would be going against proffesional advice. No competent counselor would recommend it either. He cannot both protect the kids and set his house on fire. A person like this wants his cake and to eat it to. And it wouldn't work out in real life. No matter how much people thirst for revenge. If he was confessing the divorce and cheating at the workplace only then maybe, maybe it wouldn't have such a bad backlash. However, most workplaces may terminate the employee but unless personaly touched infidelity the coworkers may at the most pity the poor spouses but many will just enjoy a good drama and move on. They probably aren't the only ones that have cheated so it wouldn't be the big dramatic deal some think. What would make it dramatic is mentioning the children. Except his method of testing was not reliable. Should he really blab that out without getting that propey confirmed? That info flung out as a weapon instead of quietly shared with the children first has more potential for harm to the children than anything. This isn't a knee jerk reaction. Not like BH's couch burning when he discovered what had happened. This story reads out plotted. He read ten years of emails over a month. Emails where the MM asked after his girls "numerous times" And then in the last week reread them. He doesn't get to transfer responsibility for his own actions. Life doesn't work that way. Not like you and those thinking it is okay for him to take actions that are not in the best interest of the children. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Why does anyone on this thread think the OP is gonna get any sort of back child support or some kind of damage award. Our "justice" is totally bogus for situations like this. Most likely the OP is gonna be on the hook for child support until the OMs kids are 18. DNA is usually only relevant to prove who has to pay, not to prove who doesn't. The manta "for child's best interest" really means: this is an example of control, meant to be passed from generation to generation. Think of the lesson it teaches kids: you can be forced to pay for a child that is not yours. There needs to be a universal paternity law, that strictly prohibits judges & other underlings from ordering child support payments if DNA testing proves the person in question is not the biological father. The OPs best hope is to get a male judge or an unbiased female one, both of which are rare in family law courts. OPs "wife" will come up will all sorts of BS like emotional abuse, etc etc & the judge will probably lap it up, as they usually do. Perhaps he could sue for fraud and back child support as this was totally hidden from the BS for many years. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Mind of Shazam Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 You may be able to sue the OM because you were raising HIS children without your knowledge! GET A VERY GOOD LAWYER! Go scorched earth on them BOTH! Plus, DROP HER ASS HARD! She's played you for a patsy! A very good lawyer wouldn't have agreed to the double representation, or signed off on his big plan for Monday. The OP went from a very sympathetic, righteous man who has been wronged to something much less. Terrible. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Mind of Shazam Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 He doesn't get to transfer responsibility for his own actions. Life doesn't work that way. Not like you and those thinking it is okay for him to take actions that are not in the best interest of the children. Very well said. Everything about this stinks. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 A very good lawyer wouldn't have agreed to the double representation, or signed off on his big plan for Monday. The OP went from a very sympathetic, righteous man who has been wronged to something much less. Terrible. Big Plan? Okay, I'm still on page 8, I have a looong way to go on this reading! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I don't know what the best case scenario could be, but if I truly wanted what was best for my children, I think I would do something like this..... I would have each of the WS served at work at the same time. I would have a letter with each of those that simply says, We (Betrayed Spouses) are at one of the houses, and would like you to come home to discuss this matter ASAP. At the house, I would have a child psychologist as well as my lawyer. We would sit down and discuss the matter at hand, how do we best explain this to our children? Word will get out at work, if they were going to lose their jobs over this, it would happen whether or not the big reveal happened at their work or at their home. Neither WS has to leave their home because they were served divorce paper. As a matter of fact, it is probably more beneficial for them to stay in the house rather than possibly be the ones to give up their rights to the house. I do wonder what will happen in that regards. But if all parties involved could possibly sit down and figure out what the best way to handle this for the children's sake, that would be the best case scenario. Seeking revenge, although much understood in this scenario, is not likely to do their kids any favors. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I would also like to point out that i'm reading everyone of your posts, I just have no time to reply to all of them. Thank you all for taking the time to read and contribute, I appreciate everyone of you. Make sure you log off, use no auto info features and delete the cookies on your computer/phone! You don't want the WSs to get wind of what you are about to do! Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Yes the timeline you wrote is almost correct! I'll tweak and add a few more details on top of the timeline you just wrote to clarify: - found text a month ago - digging and DNA test sent in - early last week the results of DNA test came in - found the first email of OM mentioning my daughters as his children just before the weekend last week (I read them backwards not from the first one) which was after the DNA test (a very astute observation on your part, good work). - finished reading all the emails a day before I made my first post here, now I am re-reading them to see if I missed any crucial details. - the day I first posted I met with the OBS for lunch AFTER I had met my own lawyer in the morning. - OBS and I spoke on the phone about having the same lawyer late afternoon, then by that very same evening we had arranged that with our lawyer and I organised IC for the next day. - had my first IC session then went to meet with OBS and our lawyer, then had brunch with OBS afterwards. It appears as though i've been busy but honestly I haven't at all. I have a very flexible job which gives me a lot of off days, for obvious reasons I will not divulge it here for the sake of anonymity. I am currently on my off days for the past week and a half so i'm not short of time to take care of things while WW is working and kids are at school. As I said before I don't want to boast, but money is not an issue for me so getting things done while having lots of time off is very easy. Perhaps this is not always the case for other BS's, i'm fortunate in this regard. As for the "divorce close to being finalised", I think I worded it wrongly and you also assumed wrongly. I meant the things we wanted to sort out pre-confrontation are almost finalised; should actually be finalised in the next couple of days and definitely ready to confront first thing Monday morning next week (that's when OBS and I plan on executing our dual confrontation). OBS and I are trying our best to speed things up believe me we are both aching desperately to confront those two scums. The longer we wait for confrontation, the harder it is to hold everything in and act normal at home. We are both ticking time bombs. As for OBS and I bonding "quickly" yes that is of course true because it's not like I met her for the first time recently. I have known OBS and her family for at least as long as the affair. Remember my WW has been working with the OM for longer than 15 years so I see OBS regularly at their many social work functions plus around the place on family outings. Of course our families are not close or anything, but going through this with OBS has made us very close instantly, it definitely feels like I have been close friends with her for a very long time even though our "new friendship" just developed overnight. I'm sure a few other people can attest to that? I don't know. Again I apologise for not being entirely clear in my posts. If there are anymore things I can clarify please ask ahead. I will keep updating as our sad saga continues. Please keep me in your prayers LS, I appreciate your love and care from the bottom of my heart. LD I can see you are going through with this Monday, that's tomorrow if I'm not mistaken. BOTH you and OBS should bring a voice activated recorder with YOU! If you don't have one, get them NOW! You will want to have them on you if in the event the WS's attempt to turn things around on you and say you were attempting violence in any way! Protect yourself financially! Make very sure your house and assets including retirement is well protected as the WSs will attempt to turn things around on you both! Remember, they have had 15 years to plot, plan and scheme behind your backs! They are unfortunately very good at it and know what they are doing! They may also know the laws in your state/s. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 For now we are working on helping me understand why she would do this. My counselor would rather talk about other things first but I am insisting on getting the why why whys first (since I have not confronted my WW). The problem is I keep subconciously thinking that somehow it's my fault and that I failed somehow as a husband or something, and my counselor is working with me on that. It's a working progress I have only had one session so far. Of course now I do! There was one time when I called my WW hotel room because her phone was going straight to VM and OM picked up. It was during the afternoon and they said that they were discussing things for their presentation. Stupid me ate up that BS like a fool, they were probably having their 3rd round of sex OBS and I are ticking time bombs I tell you! So fingers crossed none of us snap before Monday! And i'll also add that it really hurts thinking that my WW and OM may end up being together after all this . It hurts thinking that their affair could be their primary relationship . It hurts thinking of all the things they do at their work place and on business trips .... more things to discuss in IC You know, you shouldn't morn for them, they deserve each other as they're both liars and cheaters! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 In so far as any action taken is LEGAL, I think most people would excuse and mitigate what LD does here. Just imagine knowing you've: Been at the birth of the girls Had your family come over celebrating their births Had your parents thinking they are grandparents to them Had your siblings fooled that they were aunts /uncles Had sleepless nights with these girls as babies Taken them to doctors and dentist appointments Watched their school performances Taught them to ride a bike Taken them swimming Been on family vacations The list is endless and I honestly think it's too much of an ask expecting LD to serve her and walk away calmly. Unless you've been in the situation, you really can't know how awful it is. Think of everything a BS feels with a standard affair , then add in the long term element..15 years of lies , then on top of all that she's had another man's kid twice! Just think, there LD was probably taking care of his pregnant wife , giving her neck and foot massages and she was carrying an affair child.....yeah...I'd be mad too and simply serving divorce papers doesn't cut it. Frankly, not wanting revenge would be abnormal in this situation. Protect the kids.......but go ahead with any revenge you see fit as she deserves everything she gets and more. Whatever she gets, is as a result of her selfish , immoral behaviour and she and she alone (along with OM) have to take 100% of the RESPONSIBILITY for whatever damage these children suffer. It's ALL ON THEM. As long as a judge agrees with you all is well. No one is suggesting calmly walking away. That is one of those extreme all or nothing remarks. Reality: most judges and family courts don't operate like the BS section of a marriage forum. There are bigger considerations here than revenge...or there shhould be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I may have missed something, but exposure at the workplace on its own is unlikely to be a major consideration in a custody battle. You don't get to f*** up someone's life like this and expect to get away scott free . If it was an affair without children of the affair palmed onto the BH , just serving D papers might do, but she has messed up so many people's lives in all this. Her H, the 3 children, the OBS and her children . There should be no mention of paternity when they are served at all. That is a very private discussion, - ideally with a mediator and the spouses. There have been cases where keeping aspects of the affair secret give the BS the upper hand in the splitting of assets and with custody of the children . This could be one of those cases , but the reality is the OP could be as nice as pie and these kids will still be devastated with the truth. Their older brother will be devastated. Just knowing your mother is capable of this will likely hurt them all. Then the OBS children find out they have 2 half siblings....It's a hell of a lot to deal with. OBS kids finding out their dad kept this secret and them being denied the chance to bond with their sisters. The magnitude of this is enormous . When a parent's irresponsible actions lead their kids to therapy and more are they really the better parent? In other affairs , you don't even have to tell the kids about it, but here you have to tell the kids everything. I can't imagine the loss of respect their mother will face. TBH , that in itself could be worse than any revenge if she really cares enough about them. LD - take care Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I give up. Nobody can predict what will happen. There are so many unknowns and factors not thought of yet, even being in the situation, so how can we possibly know what people, that we don't even know, will do based on LS archives. We don't know how they plan for the papers to be served; we don't know how they plan to deal with the children. There may be a lot they haven't thought of; there may be a lot of the plan he hasn't had a chance to explain here. Maybe our concerns are covered, maybe not, but either way there will be something else nobody thought of. My only prediction is that there will be surprises. There will be regrets. For a long, long time, those directly impacted will be deeply scarred and unsettled no matter how or where they are 'served,' and others indirectly affected or even just observers will be profoundly disturbed and without answers. As far as the question of judgment and censure befalling OP later as he seeks legalized custody of his children is concerned or the frantic pleas to be rational and prudent in his decisions and actions — I don't think he can understand the words, much less the ideas. I know personally what happens to the emotions and mind as it puts all together the facts—what people did and said, their motives, how they lived with it then and now—of horrific, unthinkable actions and attitudes of people you trusted and loved. It can't hold everything at once and some layers of the truth don't settle in with the rest for years. I think it's pointless to try and predict, guide or influence. We'll all be surprised together, including OP, is my only prediction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 why no lawyer, counselor or proffesional would recommend this first hand work place confrontation to serve divorce papers. -say this guy finds out over a month ago his wife has been in a LTA. He is blindsided. He reads thousands of emails, including numerous emails stating the two girls he loves are not his own. And then he does the dna swabs. Sneaks into their room and swabs their mouth while they are sleeping. Or he does that before he rereads the emails and discovers the numerous ones he missed making the my girls claim. Whatever the case. All this time he stuffs everything down and plots. He finally reaches out to the OBS. And in a day they plot some more. But he stays calm. So calm. And then him, and the OBS who has had much less time to know this plan to show up at the work place. And now the all in the head and hypothetical reactions. And every emotion buried comes out. It is a recipe for disaster. It has so many things that could go wrong. It is giving away the upper hand for a small bit of satisfaction that won't last when the dist settles. That is reality. And that is why no one should support or encourage such an action were this to happen. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I think it's pointless to try and predict, guide or influence. We'll all be surprised together, including OP, is my only prediction. I agree 100% it is pointless. And no, I will not be surprised by the update. Not even a little bit. Whichever directions it takes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 why no lawyer, counselor or proffesional would recommend this first hand work place confrontation to serve divorce papers. -say this guy finds out over a month ago his wife has been in a LTA. He is blindsided. He reads thousands of emails, including numerous emails stating the two girls he loves are not his own. And then he does the dna swabs. Sneaks into their room and swabs their mouth while they are sleeping. Or he does that before he rereads the emails and discovers the numerous ones he missed making the my girls claim. Whatever the case. All this time he stuffs everything down and plots. He finally reaches out to the OBS. And in a day they plot some more. But he stays calm. So calm. And then him, and the OBS who has had much less time to know this plan to show up at the work place. And now the all in the head and hypothetical reactions. And every emotion buried comes out. It is a recipe for disaster. It has so many things that could go wrong. It is giving away the upper hand for a small bit of satisfaction that won't last when the dist settles. That is reality. And that is why no one should support or encourage such an action were this to happen. That's why I was suggesting the voice activated recorders in the event something should happen! At least it would disprove more lies and deception, such as he/she hit me or threatened me. It would be great for BH and BW to keep the VAR on them at all times when they are around their WS's in the event the WS's have a plan to retaliate against them in making up false charges! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 How ever this plays out the kids are going to be hit with a brick to the face. Nothing LD can do will diminish the reality that their mother has lied for the last 15 yes and pretended that LD is their father while all along carrying on with their biological father. How the heck will they not find out. How do you keep it from them. By lieing again? This truly is despicable and to continue such a lie I hope the wife and OM get all they deserve. There are older kids involved here that will want to know the lie they have been living 1 Link to post Share on other sites
flowergirl14 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Come tomorrow this thread will be blowing up! We know that for sure! Link to post Share on other sites
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