Wife has been having a LTA for 15 years

[66Charger]

My post for not telling the children? What purpose would that serve at this moment?

 

Assuming everything you say is fact, these 2 could do some time.

If they are incarcerated, there wont be a custody or divorce battle. You will retain custody. Unless the issue is forced, keep it to yourself for now. Your family has healing to do. These children have enough to deal with.

 

Bizarre, all of this.

[HereNorThere]

Haven't kept up with the going's on but relevant to kids, if a man is married in my jurisdiction he's the defacto father if his wife has a child while they're married. It's easy enough for the OP to check that out in his jurisdiction. If his wife had a child by another man around here, didn't tell him and he raised it as his own, he's responsible for child support, absent a successful lawsuit to establish another man as the father, and will be awarded partial to full custody, depending on circumstances, presuming the couple separates legally or divorces.

 

"Basic Information:

In parentage cases, also called "paternity cases," the court makes orders that say who the child's legal parents are.

If parents are married when a child is born, there is usually no question about parentage. The law assumes that the husband is the father and the wife is the mother, so paternity is automatically established in most cases.

But for unmarried parents, parentage of their children needs to be established legally.

Note: After January 1, 2005, if parents are registered domestic partners when a child is born, the law assumes that the domestic partners are the child’s parents. However, since this law is relatively new and unsettled, same-sex parents should get legal advice to make sure that the parentage is clear"

 

Parentage/Paternity - paternity_famlaw_selfhelp

 

This is the part that has to be scary for OP. Sure, the state will always try to find someone to pay for kids, including a cuckold, but if the biological parent contests this in court and presents evidence that they are his children, it might be game over.

 

I'd pray for ya, OP, but, well, I guess I already covered that in my other posts.

In hindsight, it may have been better to convince him to sign over his parental rights to you before you destroyed his life. Now he has the ultimate trump card and he's super pissed off. Not a good combination in your favor.

[kenmore]

Nothing's worth that unless sex is involved...sorry.

[Trimmer]

To those making inferences about how "the mob" or the Italian mafia would or wouldn't react to such a thing, recall that this is happening in a country other than the U.S., and all the OP has said about his family members is that they are part of a "very dangerous gang." So we can't really make any guesses about what their guiding motivations and/or boundaries might (or might not) be.

 

I will not bend over and let them get away with this scot-free after that filth they just pulled on OBS and I, especially that scumbag OM. He is a dead man walking now, funny thing is I may have to be the one to protect him from my younger brothers/cousins who are in a very dangerous gang that even the police are afraid of. They will absolutely not tolerate this disrespect to one of their family members. I do want him to pay for what he did but I fear for his life a little, just for the record death isn't something I wish on either of them. Not sure what will happen to WW, but it sure explains why she begged me not to say anything to my family and why they left town so quickly. They know as soon as my family find out, they will face very very heavy consequences. Even I do not have any say in anything the gang will do to them, unless of course I wanted to R with WW in which case she would likely face a lesser consequence.

All I can say, by way of advice, is: now it's all about your children. You are hurt beyond belief, and I hope and wish for you to heal and recover, which may take a long time. But starting right this minute, you are your children's only stable parent, and with everything else that is going on, you need to find a way to step up to that, even through your pain and rage.

 

As for whatever the gang might do, if you are family, and they are doing this on your behalf, you should try to get them to calm down and hold off. Why? It's all about the children now. If they are talking about "respect for the family", then play that card: have respect for your children - you and your children are "the family" now. Is there ANY positive effect to be imagined if your WW and her OM are injured or killed somehow? Even if your children are upset with her, you have NO idea how the prospect of their mother being injured or killed will add to their grief, especially given that they are already in an anguished state. Not to mention that you will certainly immediately become the obvious primary suspect in any resulting investigation. Will this be of ANY conceivable benefit to your children? I don't give much of a flip about your WW - this is about protecting your children.

 

Obviously, there are some things that you should do quickly: now that this has all been exposed, your legal situation will escalate to a new level of importance. Get your attorney on board and working on managing your legal situation; waste NO time on that, because you need to get your legal status all secured ASAP, as well as educating yourself about things you should do, and things you should not do, to enhance your legal strategy to the maximum degree. This is about protecting your children.

 

On the other hand, as far as taking emotionally-motivated steps (telling the kids about their paternity, taking revenge, etc.) you should slow down. Those paths will still be available to you after things calm down from the intensity peak you are on now, and later you can (somewhat) more rationally consider the effect on the kids your choices might bring about. This is about protecting your children.

 

I agree with you that your WW and the OM are not owed any particular consideration or respect, but your kids have no other anchor right now or for the foreseeable future - you are now their only solid parent. Even if nothing else motivates you, let this guide your hand, and your path forward. They need you.

Edited June 18, 2015 by Trimmer

[sandylee1]

LD, I would at least tell your wife that the mob is out to kill her OM, if you get a chance to talk to her. Fair warning is warranted, as there are children involved. With $280,000 at their disposal they might at least be able to hire some bodyguards or a hit man or something.

 

People need to realise that infidelity can have very serious consequences. It all seems like fun at the time, but you are at risk of serious bodily harm and more when you sleep with another man's wife.

 

I don't condone it, but it's a very real risk. The vast amount of spousal murders relate to infidelity and finances .

 

If only people thought about the consequences first. It's much easier to get divorced , but they rather continue lying and cheating .

[Morro72]

i'm almost certain I heard him say "she was never yours".

 

This line has been rattling around in my head for a while and at this point I wonder if it is perhaps literally true. Is there any chance that their relationship started before you were married, and either continued right through your whole marriage or stopped briefly and then restarted?

 

Along these lines, what is the work history of both WW and OM? Did they first meet at work at their current company? At some other employer? Did one of them hire the other? What actual positions have they held at their current employer? (Presumably they've both gotten a number of promotions over the years and it might be enlightening to understand where they've been in the corporate org chart relative to each other all these years.)

 

Also, does the current employer have any sort of anti-nepotism policy that would keep them from working in their current positions if they were married or otherwise "officially" a couple?

[autumnnight]

People need to realise that infidelity can have very serious consequences. It all seems like fun at the time, but you are at risk of serious bodily harm and more when you sleep with another man's wife.

 

I don't condone it, but it's a very real risk. The vast amount of spousal murders relate to infidelity and finances .

 

If only people thought about the consequences first. It's much easier to get divorced , but they rather continue lying and cheating .

 

I hurt for those who are betrayed. But if you are involved in murder, I don't care HOW bad cheating is, you need to go to jail. This whole "well, ya shoulda thought of that" theme, like it justifies killing, is annoying. On another site it is practically celebrated, and I would hate to think anyone on LS felt that way.

[cozycottagelg]

I hurt for those who are betrayed. But if you are involved in murder, I don't care HOW bad cheating is, you need to go to jail. This whole "well, ya shoulda thought of that" theme, like it justifies killing, is annoying. On another site it is practically celebrated, and I would hate to think anyone on LS felt that way.

 

I completely agree. Ending a life is absolutely in another category all together.

[autumnnight]

I completely agree. Ending a life is absolutely in another category all together.

 

Yep, one that is miles worse than cheating. Period.

[fellini]

If these "mafia" relatives act, the OP is going to be implicated easily.

 

Surely his STBWW knows them, and any physical harm that might come to either her or her AP she will point the finger at them, and have no problem accusing her exBH of telling them in order to incite their "revenge".

 

OP has to hope he can stop them to save himself from having to prove something almost impossible to prove; did he approve of violent retribution.

 

Unless one of his cousins is prepared to go to jail for it, they too have no reason to believe that he didn't allow them to be informed knowing how they would react.

 

It seems to me everyone involved knows these guys are who they are, and telling them is tantamount to activating them.

 

How anyone is going to survive a day in court, should they actually do what he "fears they will do" is beyond me.

[MrAlready2]

Can you explain to me how you have had a "blissful" marriage for all these years to a woman who is this horrible?

 

She "left town" and abandoned her kids. Is this the first thing you have seen to indicate that she is a horrible mother? Did that just happen now with this discovery? I can't imagine any mother doing that, unless she was a horrible mother to begin with, and then I can't imagine a "blissful" marriage.

 

Anyone who could run out of town with OM, leaving her kids high and dry and not even bothering to talk to you (after having such an amazing weekend of sex and such with her as part of your marriage)... I can't imagine it. I can possibly imagine that they might run off together at some point, but not instantly on D-Day. I would think, STRONGLY, that your up-to-this-point wonderful wife and mother of the children, and the OM/his wife, would at least want to talk to their BS's before any running off together was ever done.

 

In ALL of the stories I have read on here over the years, this is the only one where there were 15 years of complete oblivion and then the WS doesn't at least address the BS first before dealing with the AP.

 

 

I'm starting to suspect that the WW and OM, may have ran out of fear. The embezzlement from the employer may be just the tip of the iceberg. There's no telling what other unsavory activities these two have been up to. They may have realize their con would be soon discovered, and the fear of criminal prosecution has them hiding out.

 

Then there's the potential threat of mortal bodily harm they must also be aware of. The OP may never hear from his WW or the OM ever again if they are in fear of their lives, and the threat of criminal prosecution. I do not think she cares one bit about her children at the moment, just her own "backside"!

 

I'd love to see the OP and OBS end up together after all of the dust settles. No better revenge on the WW and the OM.

[sandylee1]

I hurt for those who are betrayed. But if you are involved in murder, I don't care HOW bad cheating is, you need to go to jail. This whole "well, ya shoulda thought of that" theme, like it justifies killing, is annoying. On another site it is practically celebrated, and I would hate to think anyone on LS felt that way.

 

I DO NOT support it in any way shape or form. I am merely pointing out the reality.

 

No one is worth going to jail for, however bringing a third party into a marriage gets emotions very high. It puts you, your spouse and your family at risk. The risk is real.

 

There are also countless cases of the BH and BW being killed by the WS/AP. The reasons stem from infidelity , to get them 'out of the way '.

 

These are widely reported facts, not my opinion.

These are things a cheating spouse really needs to think about

 

- NOBODY can control another person's actions.

 

- You don't know what a man or woman will do when they discover infidelity .

 

- You don't know what a crazy bunny boiling OW will do to you and your family when she gets dumped. But whatever she does, would never have been done if there was no cheating.

 

- You don't know how a BSs family will react.

 

Many betrayed spouses have not exposed their husbands infidelity because the OBH carries a gun or fear of other violence.

 

Any and every criminal should be prosecuted , but all the jail time in the world, won't bring back the dead. The crime is 100 on the perpetrator.

 

Any homicide investigation looks at finances/whether it was a happy marriage, if there were any affairs that could be a motive.

 

The motive is usually one or the other. Quite often it's the WSs own infidelity that serves as motive.

 

People need to see beyond cheating and realise how life changing it can be, whether you are the OW/OM or WS, it's dangerous and not just to emotions.

[autumnnight]

People need to see beyond cheating

 

With regard to murder, on this we can agree.

 

I disagree with all if/then/should have thinking in affairs.

 

I disagree with "if you are going to starve your spouse/ignore your spouse/etc. then you shouldn't be surprised at an affair."

 

I also disagree with "if you are going to cheat then you shouldn't be surprised if you get beat up/killed."

 

They both come from the same twisted, blame-shifting thought process.

[Hope Shimmers]

People need to realise that infidelity can have very serious consequences. It all seems like fun at the time, but you are at risk of serious bodily harm and more when you sleep with another man's wife.

 

I don't condone it, but it's a very real risk. The vast amount of spousal murders relate to infidelity and finances .

 

Yeah, but usually not by the mob.

[Winterina]

You are going too far OP. You are turning into a revengeful accomplice to murder, which is what you are going to be if you don't call off the dogs. You think someone is going to do a dirty work for you and you will come out clean? Think again.

Besides, maybe some day when your kids grow up they will want to meet their father. They will also want their mother at some point, people forgive far heavier things than cheating to a parent. You should let your kids have the opportunity to make those choices and not deprive them of their identity and kill their biological parent whoever he is.

 

 

As bad as your case is, you are now making it into something much worse. Worst case scenario - your wife ends up in jail for financial fraud, he AP ends up dead, your brothers go to jail and so do you. Your kids go to the grandparents who are too old to take care of them properly, or end up in foster home.

THINK!

[sandylee1]

You are going too far OP. You are turning into a revengeful accomplice to murder, which is what you are going to be if you don't call off the dogs. You think someone is going to do a dirty work for you and you will come out clean? Think again.

Besides, maybe some day when your kids grow up they will want to meet their father. They will also want their mother at some point, people forgive far heavier things than cheating to a parent. You should let your kids have the opportunity to make those choices and not deprive them of their identity and kill their biological parent whoever he is.

 

 

As bad as your case is, you are now making it into something much worse. Worst case scenario - your wife ends up in jail for financial fraud, he AP ends up dead, your brothers go to jail and so do you. Your kids go to the grandparents who are too old to take care of them properly, or end up in foster home.

THINK!

 

OP hasn't asked his family to carry out any crime or cause harm.

[Cephalopod]

Just to add, OBS and I haven't talked about the kiss we shared between us. From my end at least, although it felt amazing, it was just a moment of two people who were vulnerable sharing intimacy. It started as an innocent hug like in the car park on confrontation day, but it turned romantic by kissing and I will not let that happen again.

 

I think that if we did want to pursue something we are well within our rights I would imagine? OM and WW are clear on where their hearts/allegiance are, and everything has been exposed. Everyone knows the marriages are over, no possibility of R, and they have both been served too. I know divorces are far from being finalized but I consider myself single now and i'm sure so does OBS.

 

Sure you are within your rights. It would definitely be righteous payback. But just make sure it does not turn into a rebound relationship. The OBS has been wounded and she's vulnerable. Don't put yourself in the position where you might be tempted to exploit her. That will just make things worse for her. If the two of you want to get to get together for a revenge romp though, well, I guess as long as you are both consenting adults...

[Cephalopod]

Everyone keeps bringing up the word custody, but do we even know if OP has any legal right to it? In most jurisdictions, the biological parent has the legal right to custody. No matter how much time and money he spent raising the two children, if they aren't his, he may not have much legal recourse. I just wouldn't want him to get his hopes up if there is no chance for him to adopt these children as his own.

 

Nop nope nope...wrong wrong wrong my friend.

 

In the US common law the general rule is, whomever the bio mother is married to is the legal father, whether he is the biological parent or not. If his name goes on the birth certificate then he is on the hook for financially supporting that child. Most states see the support and upkeep of the child as paramount to the needs of the parents/divorcing couple. If the biological father books out of town and cannot be found to submit to a DNA test, the husband of the bio mom will foot the bill for the kid. Period.

[JS84]

Nop nope nope...wrong wrong wrong my friend.

 

In the US common law the general rule is, whomever the bio mother is married to is the legal father, whether he is the biological parent or not. If his name goes on the birth certificate then he is on the hook for financially supporting that child. Most states see the support and upkeep of the child as paramount to the needs of the parents/divorcing couple. If the biological father books out of town and cannot be found to submit to a DNA test, the husband of the bio mom will foot the bill for the kid. Period.

 

This. That's why so many men get POed when they're the victims of paternity fraud when DNA proves they're not the biological parent yet they're still financially responsible for the child according to the courts? If his name is on the birth certificate, and he raised the children, his claim regarding custody definitely outweighs that of the biological father. It would look even worse in a custody hearing if he could actually prove (which it sounds like he can) the biological father knew of the paternity yet was not involved with the children.

Edited June 18, 2015 by JS84

[sandylee1]

This. That's why so many men get POed when they're the victims of paternity fraud when DNA proves they're not the biological parent yet they're still financially responsible for the child according to the courts? If his name is on the birth certificate, and he raised the children, his claim regarding custody definitely outweighs that of the biological father. It would look even worse in a custody hearing if he could actually prove (which it sounds like he can) the biological father knew of the paternity yet was not involved with the children.

In most countries if a woman is married , the husband is considered to be the father. Hence a married woman can register the birth of the child without the father present. It's assumed her husband is the father.

 

I bet WW AND OM are wondering whether to come clean with the whole truth (paternity ) or just leave it at thinking the affair is all the BSs know about .

 

Biological parent or not , no court will look favourably on OM who knew he was the father , lying low all these years. It'snot likely to be in the child's best interest for OM to have any custody .

 

These kids will likely require years of therapy to get through this, which is why cheating makes you a poor parent. A responsible parent doesn't behave in such a manner, as to cause their child this kind of pain and betrayal .

[violet1]

Nop nope nope...wrong wrong wrong my friend.

 

In the US common law the general rule is, whomever the bio mother is married to is the legal father, whether he is the biological parent or not. If his name goes on the birth certificate then he is on the hook for financially supporting that child. Most states see the support and upkeep of the child as paramount to the needs of the parents/divorcing couple. If the biological father books out of town and cannot be found to submit to a DNA test, the husband of the bio mom will foot the bill for the kid. Period.

 

 

This is true. Also, in my state if the biological father isn't in the picture for 4 consecutive years and another man wants to adopt the child, the rights of the bio father can be revoked. The US government doesn't care as long as someone is paying for the child. OP is in another country though. Maybe it's different where he's at.

[lifedestroyed]

Quick update guys I have managed to have a talk with my brothers. Although they are still pissed off, they have agreed to call off any attacks on the OM. But they said once he's in jail, he's a dead man. My life is literally starting to become like a movie, i'm really stressed about this gang situation now more than ever. I agree with you all regarding murder, I don't wish death upon the WSs, but the gang really want OM dead and once he is in jail there is nothing I can do about it.

 

Have not heard anything from WW yet and OBS hasn't heard from OM either. I heard from WWs assistant that their boss has gone to the police and i'm waiting for updates on that, I think an arrest warrant for them is near.

 

OBS and I finally had a talk refarding the kiss we shared. We agreed that there is an undeniable mutual attraction and once things settle down, we will see what happens. Right now we are both wounded and vulnerable, and that is a recipe for rebound relationship so we are going to wait until both of us are ready to date again. For the meantime we are bonding and getting to know each other more, I enjoy her company a lot and she said she loves my company too so we get on fine. I have to admit I am really tempted to have sex with her. I hope I don't give in, because I know that will cause more harm than good at this time.

 

In my area just like the U.S they consider the husband of bio mother to be the father, unless I wanted out but obviously I don't so i'll keep my mouth shut. Maybe I just won't say anything to my kids about the paternity. We will see what OM and WW decide to do.

 

As for the WSs they both started at the same time as interns, they never knew each other before they started working together. So perhaps the first couple of years of my marriage were real and the rest were fake... hurts big time but IC is helping. The kids are also in IC although my son seems to think he doesn't need it. I think it's helping. The youngest girl keeps asking where mommy is and when she will be back, that hurt me so much I almost cried. The look in her eyes was so much hurt and confusion. I will never forgive WW for this, she is probably ****ing the OMs brains out while her children are wondering were she is.

 

For the record she was a great mother. I hope that was real too.

[Morro72]

I would guess that there is less ****ing and more panicking going on wherever the waywards are. Particularly if they share your perception of your brothers.

 

I hope you are able to answer your daughter's question soon. However upsetting the answer turns out to be, it will be better than what you can give her now.

[Hope Shimmers]

For the record she was a great mother. I hope that was real too.

 

Oh yeah, she's mother of the year.

 

Being a mother is something that never stops and it surpasses everything, so if what you say is true, then she was never a good mother.

 

You have your kids in IC already and there have been enough sessions that you already think it's helping them? How many hours in a day are there in whatever country you are living in?

[lifedestroyed]

I would guess that there is less ****ing and more panicking going on wherever the waywards are. Particularly if they share your perception of your brothers.

 

I hope you are able to answer your daughter's question soon. However upsetting the answer turns out to be, it will be better than what you can give her now.

 

You're probably right. I guess that's just me trying to justify my anger and hurt. She knows that WW are no longer going to live together but she doesn't understand why she left. I couldn't explain the exact details to her, that would be ridiculous of me.

 

Oh yeah, she's mother of the year.

 

Being a mother is something that never stops and it surpasses everything, so if what you say is true, then she was never a good mother.

 

You have your kids in IC already and there have been enough sessions that you already think it's helping them? How many hours in a day are there in whatever country you are living in?

 

Yes but that is me just projecting most likely. They have been to two sessions so far, and just like myself they are good at expressing themselves and my son is very self aware like me. I'm just expressing what my own observations are from my own point of view. Perhaps if you were in my situation you would have a different observation, I don't know.

 

As for WW being a bad mother, I can't believe i'm actually going to defend her but i'm sure she is afraid for her life and freedom. How can she be a good or bad mother if she's not around to be there for the kids at all? I really hope she was genuinely good to the kids not faking that as well.

Edited June 18, 2015 by lifedestroyed